How Can I Get Him To See?

[daenvgiell]

I have a very close friend down in the dumps, he doesn't want to see the good things he has in life. He says he is in love with this girl and that he has tried everything to get her back. She just doesn't want it. He thinks he will die alone and sad, that he will never get over his love for her.

How can I make him see that he can? I know I can't physically change his mind for him, but is there anything that I can do that I haven't tried?

[BenRaines]

How old is he and how old is she?

Ben Raines

[pam]

Sometimes there isn't anything you can say or do that would change his mood or attitude. Some people delight in feeling miserable. Sometimes it's an attention getter which he is obviously getting from you. Then there is the old cliche "Time heals all wounds"

[Palerider]

maybe if they read a good talk by Elder Oaks titled..."He Heals the Heavy Laden"...maybe that might perk them up......

[Gaia]

I have a very close friend down in the dumps, he doesn't want to see the good things he has in life. He says he is in love with this girl and that he has tried everything to get her back. She just doesn't want it. He thinks he will die alone and sad, that he will never get over his love for her.

How can I make him see that he can? I know I can't physically change his mind for him, but is there anything that I can do that I haven't tried?

GAIA:

May i offer some suggestions?

First, i think it's important to understand that attachments to people can be very strong;

In fact, they are based on the same thing as addictions to any substance: biochemicals are released in the brain (endorphins) which very much "mimic" the actions & effects of certain drugs --

So your friend can't just "decide" to change his thinking/ feeling about the woman; he (probably) has to actually get over an addiction -- to a person -- and that takes time and work!

One of the things you can tell him is that if he cuts it off completely -- no phone calls, text messaging, or contact of any kind, whatsoever-- it will be better and easier in the long run.

-- Contact of any kind will just "re-infect" him. Here's a book that might help (there are many similiar to it):

http://www.amazon.com/How-Break-Your-Addic...n/dp/0553260057

I think you can do a lot of good by being a support and encouragement to him, and reminding him that he will get over her -- it will just take time and effort. Each day, each week, he WILL feel a difference, until the day will come that he'll find himself realizing he hasn't thought of her at all. for some time!

Meanwhile, now is a good time for him to recall the things he enjoys, looks forward to, his gifts or talents or interests that he could now put energy into, that would help occupy his mind/ time now. Keep in mind that depression (and he's likely somewhat depressed) does tend to diminish our ability to get pleasure out of even our favorite things / passtimes, but as he recuperates from his "addiction", he will likely find his interests renewed.....

The symptoms of clinical depression are as follows:

- Changes in sleeping habits

- changes in eating habits

- Inability to derive pleasure from even previously enjoyed things, people and activities;

- Thoughts of sadness, grief;

- Tearfulness;

- Inability to concentrate;

If he has many of these symptoms for any length of time, it might be well for him to discuss the matter with his doctor. Depression can become a chemical imbalance that can only be solved with appropriate medication. Many people are afraid to take such meds, but it's important to realize that there have been enormous strides in the last couple of years, in understanding and treating depression and stress. Within a matter of 10-14 days, one can feel a huge difference -- as if someone turned on a light in a dark room!

I hope that's helpful --

Good luck to you and him!

Blessings --

~Gaia

[daenvgiell]

How old is he and how old is she?

Ben Raines

They are both 17, just like me, seems like a young age to be thinking of things like that, but I guess he can't get it out of his head.

Sometimes there isn't anything you can say or do that would change his mood or attitude. Some people delight in feeling miserable. Sometimes it's an attention getter which he is obviously getting from you. Then there is the old cliche "Time heals all wounds"

Yes I know that, mmm its frustrating at that too, I know that some people like to get the attention, but that's not like him, not in that was anyway. I've already mentioned that old cliche... he doesn't want to listen

maybe if they read a good talk by Elder Oaks titled..."He Heals the Heavy Laden"...maybe that might perk them up......

He isn't a church member, but where can I find this talk?

May i offer some suggestions?

First, i think it's important to understand that attachments to people can be very strong;

In fact, they are based on the same thing as addictions to any substance: biochemicals are released in the brain (endorphins) which very much "mimic" the actions & effects of certain drugs --

So your friend can't just "decide" to change his thinking/ feeling about the woman; he (probably) has to actually get over an addiction -- to a person -- and that takes time and work!

One of the things you can tell him is that if he cuts it off completely -- no phone calls, text messaging, or contact of any kind, whatsoever-- it will be better and easier in the long run.

-- Contact of any kind will just "re-infect" him. Here's a book that might help (there are many similiar to it):

http://www.amazon.com/How-Break-Your-Addic...n/dp/0553260057

I think you can do a lot of good by being a support and encouragement to him, and reminding him that he will get over her -- it will just take time and effort. Each day, each week, he WILL feel a difference, until the day will come that he'll find himself realizing he hasn't thought of her at all. for some time!

Meanwhile, now is a good time for him to recall the things he enjoys, looks forward to, his gifts or talents or interests that he could now put energy into, that would help occupy his mind/ time now. Keep in mind that depression (and he's likely somewhat depressed) does tend to diminish our ability to get pleasure out of even our favorite things / passtimes, but as he recuperates from his "addiction", he will likely find his interests renewed.....

The symptoms of clinical depression are as follows:

- Changes in sleeping habits

- changes in eating habits

- Inability to derive pleasure from even previously enjoyed things, people and activities;

- Thoughts of sadness, grief;

- Tearfulness;

- Inability to concentrate;

If he has many of these symptoms for any length of time, it might be well for him to discuss the matter with his doctor. Depression can become a chemical imbalance that can only be solved with appropriate medication. Many people are afraid to take such meds, but it's important to realize that there have been enormous strides in the last couple of years, in understanding and treating depression and stress. Within a matter of 10-14 days, one can feel a huge difference -- as if someone turned on a light in a dark room!

I hope that's helpful --

Good luck to you and him!

Blessings --

~Gaia

wow there's heaps of stuf there I have never thought about. That whole addiction information I didn't even know about, that is very interesting. I could probably tell him to cut off complete contact, but I don't think he would really like that idea all that much.

I don't think he is depressed as such, but I do sense a lot of sadness in what he thinks about the situation, he feels that he can never get over her. He gets away from her by going into another "relationship" but they never last and then he goes back to her... or trys to go back to her anyway. The problem with the girl is that she is a total and complete flirt, and also that she wants him when she can't have him and then when she "can" have him, she doesn't want him. I don't know, she is one confusing person.

I suggested to him to see the blessings of his life, but he only sees the bad side of things, he thinks that he has no blessings, so I tried explaining what he had, he listened, but I don't know if he really did take time to really think about what I had said.

Thankyou all for your input, it's much appreciated, and I would love it if you could keep helping me out, to help him (if any of this actually works)

[pushka]

When I broke up with my partner of 4 years in January, I initially just cried and cried and cried...for 3 solid days I just wanted to sleep, so I increased my sleeping tablets (not advisable), and found it impossible to read or watch TV as any mention of love, romance, cuddles or kisses would make me break down again. It is the closest I've come to feeling suicidal since my attempt at that in 2002.

Fortunately, this time, after those 3 days of hiding from the world and crying myself to sleep, I thought about my future in a more positive way...I forced myself to go out and attend the groups that I used to attend in order to stave off my depression and negative thoughts...I threw myself into those groups with a vengeance....I went out with as many different friends, to all sorts of different activities as I physically could. I also took up meditation for a while...Buddhism, which helped me put the problem into it's true priority...very low...

Please try to be there for your friend, if only to take walks to the park together, simple things that he doesn't have to think about too much, that will not remind him of his ex g/f...perhaps go ten-pin bowling and other lighthearted sports and such...but keep clear of soppy films at the cinema.

If he must talk about missing his g/f, try to get him to acknowledge the not so good things about the relationship he had, and about how he can learn to be independent and make his own happiness for himself...so that he isn't tempted to think his world will end without her.

I speak from experience, I had previously broken up with my guy 3 years earlier, and on that occasion I sounded just like your friend, I was grieving for our relationship and was permanently sad...I did a rebound relationship and hated it...

I hope a little of that helps..

[a-train]

Tell him to get over it and buy an xbox 360.

-a-train