Child Rearing Challenges

[MorningStar]

My middle son is a perfectionist. It runs in the family. Today I found out he lied and told his teacher he didn't have his money for picture day (which is why he didn't get his picture taken on Friday) because he was too embarrassed to get his picture taken. He also hasn't been handing in his homework because he's embarrassed that his drawing didn't turn out how he wanted it to. He's in Kindergarten. He doesn't recognize how talented he is at drawing and writing - a lot better than many kids his age, but because it doesn't look like an adult's work, he gets really frustrated. When I was little, I wouldn't play the piano in front of people because I wanted it to be perfect, but he's more extreme than I ever was.

I'm praying about how to raise him to feel good about himself, realize he doesn't have to be perfect, and know when he is talented at something. I don't want him to be so hard on himself. Even when I praise him, it seems to irritate him, as if he thinks I don't mean what I'm saying. He thinks it doesn't look good, therefore; no one else thinks it looks good, so if they say it does, they're just humoring him. I felt that way about piano when I was little. Once when I told him, "Good job!" he said, "DON'T SAY GOOD JOB!!!!!! THAT'S A BAD WORD!!!!!!" Some answers you just won't find in books, but through personal inspiration. I'm sure we'll figure out what it takes to deal with his unique personality somehow.

Years ago when he was a little baby who would hardly sleep, his older brother kept waking him up because he wanted to play with him. If he woke up and cried, I would get him out, so mission accomplished for my older son. I was so sleep deprived, I hardly ate because I was holding my cranky baby all day (he had acid reflux and it took a long time before the doctor would give him anything), and I desperately needed some time to rest and at least get some water or something. One day when I finally got my baby to sleep, my oldest son headed towards my door to open it. Even the sound of someone touching the doorknob would wake him up. At 5 months old, he would be awake for 12 hours straight. I had been praying about what to do and suddenly I had the answer: Make my son sit against the door and listen to his brother cry himself to sleep. It was horrible for all of us, but it worked. He asked, "Will you pick him up?" I said, "Nope." He started to inch away from the door because he couldn't stand the sound of him crying and I said, "Get your back up against the door." It probably took 20 minutes and it was a very long 20 minutes. I told him if he did it again, I would make him sit by the door again. He never did it again. Not once.

Tonight we had a pretty random lesson on unconditional love, how Heavenly Father loves us no matter what we do, and that Mommy and Daddy love them no matter what they do. We also talked about how we all have different talents and it takes a long time to be good at something, and that's OK. We talked about the things I have to ask my husband to do for me and the things I do for him, because we realize we have weaknesses and strengths. I hope that helped my son. I told him it's OK to ask for help. This morning he came unglued because his socks didn't feel right and he wouldn't let anyone help him. This has been happening a lot and extends past the time when we're supposed to leave for school. We'll be praying a lot about how we can help him. Tonight my husband also gave all of us blessings (we meant to do that at the beginning of the school year, but better late than never), so that should be helpful.

I would love to read about your parenting struggles and triumphs, especially any interesting answers you got thanks to Heavenly Father. I read a parenting book called "Children Are From Heaven" years ago and that backfired like you wouldn't believe.

:)

MorningStar

[NeuroTypical]

I'm a big fan of the 'love and logic' methods. It seems to be paying off bigtime with my two little girls. At least right now.

The latest deal: We gave the older one some responsibility. She now can get her own cups and pour her own drinks of water from the fridge. The younger one can't touch the cups, but part of the older one's new freedom, is that she has to get a drink for the younger one when asked.

So, of course, the practical application of this, is the younger one asks for a drink whenever she wants what the older one was playing with. It took 10 seconds for her to figure out this tactic. So we also had a discussion on abusing power, which probably went over her head, but we did get across that you get in trouble when you ask for a drink for reasons other than thirst.

We don't usually parent down to this level of detail, because of all the exceptions and ways to exploit they come up with. It's always fun!

LM

[MorningStar]

Thanks! I've read "Parenting With Love and Logic" and it's pretty good. I liked the Burger King story where the parents have to be somewhere on time and their son hasn't eaten yet because he won't stop playing. So they say, "We're leaving in 10 minutes whether you've eaten or not. You can choose to leave hungry or not hungry." Then when they take him out of there hungry, they don't give him anything else to eat that night but let him learn from the consequences.

I read a great article once that had this advice when the kids are fighting over the last brownie. One of them gets to cut the brownie and the other gets to choose which half they get. The mom said, "Boy you wouldn't believe how evenly he cut that brownie!"

[fish4kitty]

As a Dad of four spread out for 12 years we've run into just about everything. My eldest daughter is a perfectionist also. Just about drive you bonkers. After seeing her struggle with numerous things we finally sat down with her and told her we except her for the way she is. Flaws and all. Seems to have worked somewhat. She still has straight A's. Plays volleyball, basketball and plays the french horn and piano. If she don't start in sports she sees it as a challenge to get better. She just goes about it differently. Not as much stress. Believe it or not children as young as 1 feel stress. Maybe even younger than that. What do I know I'm no Doctor. I do know this that a child that feels good about who they are are happier children. :)

[Traela]

Morningstar, you said your son has been complaining about his socks alot. Have you had him checked for a sensory processing disorder? An occupational therapist (the school district might have one) can do an evaluation. My younger son is under-responsive to to some stimuli, and over-responsive to others, which makes his behaviour somewhat erratic. He is absolutely not allowed to wear sweatpants to school, because he gets so twitchy.

When my oldest was little, it seemed like she was angry almost all the time. Multiple temper tantrums a day, and it was years before we got through church without a meltdown. It was exhausting. When she was four, I remember thinking one day, "Wow, dd only had one tantrum today!" Now she's an amazingly nice kid, although still something of a drama queen!

[MorningStar]

As a Dad of four spread out for 12 years we've run into just about everything. My eldest daughter is a perfectionist also. Just about drive you bonkers. After seeing her struggle with numerous things we finally sat down with her and told her we except her for the way she is. Flaws and all. Seems to have worked somewhat. She still has straight A's. Plays volleyball, basketball and plays the french horn and piano. If she don't start in sports she sees it as a challenge to get better. She just goes about it differently. Not as much stress. Believe it or not children as young as 1 feel stress. Maybe even younger than that. What do I know I'm no Doctor. I do know this that a child that feels good about who they are are happier children. :)

I'm glad she's doing so well! :)

Morningstar, you said your son has been complaining about his socks alot. Have you had him checked for a sensory processing disorder? An occupational therapist (the school district might have one) can do an evaluation. My younger son is under-responsive to to some stimuli, and over-responsive to others, which makes his behaviour somewhat erratic. He is absolutely not allowed to wear sweatpants to school, because he gets so twitchy.

When my oldest was little, it seemed like she was angry almost all the time. Multiple temper tantrums a day, and it was years before we got through church without a meltdown. It was exhausting. When she was four, I remember thinking one day, "Wow, dd only had one tantrum today!" Now she's an amazingly nice kid, although still something of a drama queen!

I will consider that. He seems happy with his new Spiderman socks that are thin and don't seem to bunch up. My husband said his socks drove him nuts when he was a kid and I know I remember I had problems with certain shirts being itchy and shoes not feeling right. I know sometimes socks can just fit wrong and I think he blames it on himself when he can't make them feel right. He gets really mad when he can't button his jeans, put his sheet on his bed by himself, open the van door, etc. Every little thing he can't do drives him nuts and it drives us nuts to hear him having a fit about them. I tell him several times a day, "Just ask for help. It's OK." Sometimes he does, but other days he wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and everything sets him off. Dinner time used to be the worst. He didn't want help, but every time anything would fall off his fork or spoon, he would scream. Ugh.

[TJane]

I have a problem with this because my husband had OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and Anxiety so he *needs* things to be done a certain way. Since I have ADHD, tee hee, it has, does and continues to drive him nuts sometimes. I can definitely sympathize with your son about the socks, though. Extra sensitivity to touch is a symptom of ADHD (among other things) that particularly drives me nuts sometimes as well. All my kids have had trouble with that.

However, when my children start exhibiting signs of perfectionism, I find ways to teach by example first. I do something that is not "perfect" and say "Well, that's good enough." My mom's phrase was always "That's good enough for goverment work!" which is not PC now-a-days, I'm sure! lol

Next, I find ways to teach them to accept less-than-perfect aspects of themselves. I had one daughter who, when she was little, hated to wear clothes that had any tiny spot on them at all - even a drop of water made her shriek to get her shirt changed. I had to force her to wear water-dripped clothes by waiting longer and longer times before I'd change her. (Just in case you think I took this to unsanitary extremes, I never let her run around in wet diapers or clothing that was soiled a goodly amount). I also spilled things on purpose and reacted appropriately - "Oh rats. I spilled the milk a bit. I better go clean it up. Where's the paper towels?" in a calm voice.

Good luck, Morning Star. I'm sure with all the praying you do for your family, you'll get the right inspiration for your son - be it sensory retraining and/or teaching him how to accept non-perfection - I've had a few who did the same thing in school and it was definitely worth it to make sure they learned that it was ok to turn in your work, even if it wasn't "the best".

Jane

[MorningStar]

Those are great tips! Thank you!

[Facsimile 3]

My advice to you would be not to tell him how much better he is at things than other children his age. Having to live up to expectations like that either makes kids purposely under achieve or they end up really messed up like Orson Wells. The worst thing parents can do is tell their children they are geniuses.

[MorningStar]

My advice to you would be not to tell him how much better he is at things than other children his age. Having to live up to expectations like that either makes kids purposely under achieve or they end up really messed up like Orson Wells. The worst thing parents can do is tell their children they are geniuses.

Thanks! I'll remember that. I just want to teach my son that a 5-year-old doesn't have to be as good at something as a 15-year-old. The standard he sets for himself is too high. I am trying to point out his talents that he has though. :)

[Facsimile 3]

Thanks! I'll remember that. I just want to teach my son that a 5-year-old doesn't have to be as good at something as a 15-year-old. The standard he sets for himself is too high. I am trying to point out his talents that he has though. :)

Well I'm sure you are doing a great job as a mom, sorry if this came across as sort of harsh. Directing and encouraging children to where their talents lie is a careful balance parents have to walk, because sometimes it becomes more of what the parents want than the kids. I state this as an observation of parents and not an accusation to anyone. If parents are encouraging and enabling their children, then they are doing something very right.