The Best Way To Talk To Her...

[TheDenouement]

I don't feel as though I am a complete social misfit, but I do feel like I over think things more often than not. Allow me to prove it...

I want to date... and I'm a guy, so the responsibility falls mostly, if not entirely, upon my shoulders; and rightly so, I'm not here to murmur about that. But let me just say I have tried a number of approaches to ask girls out and the results have been less than desirable to say the least. That being said, it's very difficult for me to just take it in stride and keep going without thinking I may just be going about it the wrong way or that perhaps there are ways to improve upon what I have done in the past.

So just a few questions... seeking opinion, counsel, ideas...

What do Girls tend to think when a Guy:

~ she doesn't really know asks her out? In Person or over the Phone?

~ makes small talk with her?

~ asks her out when she isn't attracted?

~ flirts, but never seems to do anything about it?

~ is shy? is the center of attention?

I could go on really... and it isn't necessary to answer all. But basically I am just curious because my options are limited given a very unique schedule... I have to put myself in situations where I am generally not entirely comfortable or where I don't feel natural just to meet girls... or a girl. What might be the best way to approach things? Any insight would be great...

[Moksha]

As J. Alfred always says, "Do not ask what is it, let us go and make out visit".

Just ask. Analyzing the situation will never get you dates. Women vary. Some delight in politeness and others respond to being told what to do. You can run yourself ragged trying to figure out why.

[Alaskagain]

Moksha's right. Everybody's different.

If you meet a girl you would like to spend more time with, ask her to lunch. (You could just "show up" at her place of work/school about lunchtime and say, "Hey, It's nice to see you, how about grabbing a quick sandwich at -----" )

It's a lot more casual than a dinner date, and a good go-between from small talk at a social/school/church/business event, to actually dating. Plus, you have to get back to work at a specific time, creating a nice closure if it's not going well.

[WillowTheWhisp]

I have to put myself in situations where I am generally not entirely comfortable or where I don't feel natural just to meet girls... or a girl.

My first suggestion is to stop doing that. If you are going to places where you are uncomfortable you are obviously meetings girls who go to places where you are uncomfortable. Does this mean that those girls are interested in things which do not interest you and therefore are perhaps girls who would not be interested in you?

When I was younger and didn't have a boyfriend my mother suggested I go to a local disco where I would 'find lots of boys' - but I didn't like discos so what would have been the point in finding someone who did? I concluded that we would have one major hurdle at the very beginning because he would want to take me places where I didn't want to go. So instead I did things that I wanted to do and eventually I found a young man who also did things that I enjoyed doing and we enjoyed doing them together - I married him. I would never have found him at a disco.

[TheDenouement]

I think the challenge is that the circumstances or places that I put myself in where I am less than comfortable are that way just because they are unfamiliar. I'm not going to go to Bars or disreputable clubs for the same reason that have been mentioned... I'm not going to have much in common with any girl that will go to those places. However... Unless I go out of my way to go where girls go to be social, I will literally be in my apartment all day except Sunday. No school classes, no extra-curricular groups, little to non-existent church activities. So Sure, I'm not going to be the first to suggest going to a dance, but if I know that's where a lot of girls go to meet guys, maybe there is a girl there just like me in that way... not sure of how to meet someone, but goes regardless of it being the first choice.

So to be honest... the only place that is regularly in my schedule where there is anyone of the opposite gender is at church... and I really don't go to church to pick up on girls. I notice cute girls, but the time to get to know them is between classes or right after, and most people aren't loitering much.

So here's what I'm sayin... I know Tania and her roommate C... nope never mind... and I know Dana... and the girls I Home Teach... and those are my options; that is, unless I ask girls out randomly. I don't just have a crush on a girl where I don't have the nerve to say anything... it's literally limited options. That's where my questions are coming from... how weird is it to just cold call... or call someone up who's number or address I shouldn't even have except for the fact of BYU's amazing and slightly stalker-ish network?

[checkerboy]

I am gonna be in your situation soon D, I am getting divorced and seeing as I am done with school and don't do the bar scene that leaves very few other places to meet women. I feel your pain, brother. That is why I come to online places like this. But obviously there needs to be a real time meeting or else you are just asking for trouble.

I am so scared to try dating again that I don't know if I will for a while. Women seem more scary now then they used to be.

[Guest Malcolm]

Checker:

Well, I can not speak from experience since I have been married for over a decade now. In my time, there was plenty of single women available. I think I was the picky one. Now I move around the stake just about every week and I see plenty of very good looking, single sisters around.

I would say the issue here is to concentrate less in dating and more on figuring out why you are getting divorced in the first place. I am not talking about the symptoms of the illness that killed the marriage but the real origin of the disease. You were piloting a plane that just crashed and you are selling tickets for your next flight already? Divorce occur when we are unable to see and understand what is happening to us, we struggle unsuccessfully (for many reasons) and are unable/unwilling to seek/receive the help we need to overcome the challenge.

Some anxiety is normal. Our temple district has Friday night single sessions. They get together for diner afterwards and movies on Saturdays. Something surely comes out of those outings.

[Rebky]

What do Girls tend to think when a Guy:

~ she doesn't really know asks her out? In Person or over the Phone?

~ makes small talk with her?

~ asks her out when she isn't attracted?

~ flirts, but never seems to do anything about it?

~ is shy? is the center of attention?

I'm a girl so I'll tell you my opinion, say you were asking me out k?

If I don't really know you I'd be scared to be trapped in an awkward date where it's just get to know you questions.

Small talk will tell me you are at least interested enough to speak to me. If I walk away without much response... then it got awkward.

If you ask me out and I'm not attracted, yet I know you are a nice guy... like say from church I might say yes because I don't want to hurt your feelings and be rude lest it gets awkward at church. However I would treat it like a friendly invitation and in the evening try to let you know how nice it is to have friends to hang out with. I'd pay for my own dinner and you'd just know. right?

If I'm flirting with you, hmmm I might just be enjoying your company... which is a GOOD thing. Flirt back and if I stop.... I was just enjoying you. If I continue to flirt I'm willing to see if you will do anything about it.

I don't understand the last one. How to ask out a girl who is shy? Just DO it. Center of Attention... Do it. I think you have to have some kind of acquaintance with someone before you just ask them out. So you just have to be a friendly guy and ask girls out who you know from work, from church, from the neighborhood, from your past or even someone you have just met and hit it off with. But ask her out right then. "hey, you wanna go get a bit to eat?" establish some sort of friendship and then try the flirting thing to gage what kind of friendship it will be. That help?

[Guest Malcolm]

Love should be an overdose of friendship. Love is about intimacy not appeal which is hormonally driven and of very short duration.

In my book (and I am no expert) love must be real as daylight. it must be tangible and evident in more ways than a show of affection or physical attraction. Don't forget some animals die trying to mate and I am sure it is not love.

Love is understanding, caring, support, encouragement, companionship, patience, acceptance, insight, awareness, faithfulness, devotion, surrender, fidelity, loyalty, sacrifice and of course; charity. Getting your head around that takes time. Making a decision about whether you want to do this for/with somebody should take you a while. Figuring out if she can match your plan is what dating is all about. Spending time should build that intimacy.

So, one must strive to create intimacy first by building a friendship. This is a bit more complicated for guys than it is for girls. Unfortunately, us guys brains are limited in emotional range of expressions, empathy and connectivity. Unless we see/feel/experience some kind of physical attraction we most likely will not initiate contact. Girls can and often do love just because. Looks rank lower than other attributes for them. In sum, they are just better human beings.

So my dear single and anxious guys-bretheren; do try to build friendships. I know, it maybe hard to "pretend" while you have the hots for the girls. Well, don't pretend!! Try really to be a friend and get to know this girl. You should, so that you do not end up marrying somebody you should not, even if she is "looks" like Vogue material. :)

[checkerboy]

Checker:

Well, I can not speak from experience since I have been married for over a decade now. In my time, there was plenty of single women available. I think I was the picky one. Now I move around the stake just about every week and I see plenty of very good looking, single sisters around.

I would say the issue here is to concentrate less in dating and more on figuring out why you are getting divorced in the first place. I am not talking about the symptoms of the illness that killed the marriage but the real origin of the disease. You were piloting a plane that just crashed and you are selling tickets for your next flight already? Divorce occur when we are unable to see and understand what is happening to us, we struggle unsuccessfully (for many reasons) and are unable/unwilling to seek/receive the help we need to overcome the challenge.

Some anxiety is normal. Our temple district has Friday night single sessions. They get together for diner afterwards and movies on Saturdays. Something surely comes out of those outings.

Thank you Malcom but I wasn't the only pilot, in fact I was the pilot telling the other pilot what the heck are you doing we are gonna crash.

I know why my marriage failed, and I am not going to go into those reasons here, but suffice it to say that I am fixing those problems now. So I am just scared like the OP that I will have a hard time finding the right woman in the few places available to me to find her.

[Misshalfway]

I say chill out and quit trying so hard. Girls ...... and guys always know when someone is "trying". Just start meeting people that happen to be girls and have fun together. Then it can happen naturally. The love bug usually bites when we aren't looking! And there is nothing more attractive than someone who is confident and having a good time!

Checker. Don't worry 'bout nothing. You will find her. Heck! She may find you!! Sending out positive energy!! That is what it is all about!

[Guest Malcolm]

Good deal. I think it will be fine if you concentrate on other things. It may be premature to date just when you are trying to wrap up your divorce. If I were a girl, I would see as suspect anything you tell me that your ex did to wreck your marriage. I think you would be wise to do the same.

[Rebky]

Love should be an overdose of friendship. Love is about intimacy not appeal which is hormonally driven and of very short duration.

Love is understanding, caring, support, encouragement, companionship, patience, acceptance, insight, awareness, faithfulness, devotion, surrender, fidelity, loyalty, sacrifice and of course; charity. Getting your head around that takes time. Making a decision about whether you want to do this for/with somebody should take you a while. Figuring out if she can match your plan is what dating is all about. Spending time should build that intimacy.

So, one must strive to create intimacy first by building a friendship. This is a bit more complicated for guys than it is for girls. Unfortunately, us guys brains are limited in emotional range of expressions, empathy and connectivity. Unless we see/feel/experience some kind of physical attraction we most likely will not initiate contact. Girls can and often do love just because. Looks rank lower than other attributes for them. In sum, they are just better human beings.

So my dear single and anxious guys-bretheren; do try to build friendships. I know, it maybe hard to "pretend" while you have the hots for the girls. Well, don't pretend!! Try really to be a friend and get to know this girl. You should, so that you do not end up marrying somebody you should not, even if she is "looks" like Vogue material. :)

Wow.... Excellent response Malcolm!!! I'm sitting here holding my heart!

[dakwilk]

I agree that you should build the friendships. And friends meeting up for lunch is great. Take the hint if someone turns you down repeatedly, but realize that some girls are just not asked out... even the pretty ones. Some guys are just intimidated and the center of attention, might just be lonely. Lunch is a great option, but don't just show up. Call and say that you have an hour between meetings or whatever tomorrow and wanted to know if she wants to grab a bite. There is very little pressure. And make the conversation light. Get to know her and share a little about yourself. Don't jump the gun and start talking about a relationship. Just enjoy being with another interesting person. Also, some of my best friends have met their spouses through the internet or "speed dating".