I might have just done IT

[Winnie G]

OK I just e-mail one of my older sons and told him as kindly as the moment called for that he was a Snob.

Better coming from your family then from out side the family right?

This has been stewing for some time, this Christmas was the first holiday at our sons home. He lives with a wonderful girl, she out does him on so many levels. he is a very lucky man.

we changed our Christmas planes because at the last minute her parents flew in on Christmas day, So We packed up our house hold and went there food and all since we were suppose to host this years Holiday.

All went well till her parents showed up, we meet before a few times they were no strangers to us after all we will be in-laws some day,

once they arrived he acted like a snob and he was ashamed of us.

were no better class then her parents, there retired so are we, we have lots in common and get along fine, but he got stranger as the hours passed.

We understood that this was the first time they had seen where their daughter lives and that is a big deal, but you could see them look at us odd by his behavior toward us.

Then there was the way he treated his younger brother P. We have told him over and over how wonderful he was, all grown up working hard getting his own car and so on. He came to his house and all he wanted to do was show you how much he had grown up and what he had accomplished and he berated him and pushed him around like a pompous a%$ of a big brother. he hurt his feelings deeply, he loves his big brother and he pounded on him like he was a silly ninny that did not know better.

Be as it may, he is hurting his family and acting like a social snob. We are not good enough to see but he'll drive hours to Edmonton to see friends. We feel like we are standing here going "Hello we are here, remember us". what was the sense of us moving down here to be close to our children if we have become something he acts ashamed off?? We been so proud of him and all you have accomplished, we asked him why he was behaving in such a manner.

We even looked long and hard to make sure our next dog would be the type his sweat hart could be around. And he cant even return our phone calls to tell him about it.

So we are not good enough, fine we get it, even our oldest son was not surprised at how we felt, he said "Mom you have always known T was a snob"? I guess I did not think we would fall into that category.

were not drunks, were middle class family just like hers. we don't push our faith on them, whats he got to be ashamed of? they know he wa sraised in the church and has even told their daughter to check it out.

Well now we told him, the you know what will hit the fan I'm sure, but whats a parent to do? I'm not the type to sit and take it.

[WANDERER]

Sorry Winnie. I hope that it sorts out for you and I'm hoping that the effects won't be quite as bad as you think. Maybe getting things out in the open and talking about them will help (if not in the short term, perhaps in the longterm after he's had time to think things over a little more).

It can take years before adult children finally realise what the point was to the values you were trying to instill in them and can appreciate the struggles you went through and the pain involved.

You can only do your best.

[WillowTheWhisp]

How sad that anyone should feel that way about their family. It's hard to put into words what I want to say without it sounding patronising. I have noticed that the people I admire most are the people who accept others for who they are and don't make distinctions based on social status. I remember a scene from a film many years ago where a young man from a poor background had come into some money and 'gone up in the world'. He was invited to a dinner party with some rather snobbish upper class guests. Faced with a series of knives and forks he hadn't a clue which one to use for which course and one of the other dinner guests made fun of him loudly declaring that if he wanted to be a gentleman he'd have to learn his table manners. The rest laughed along and enjoyed making the young man look a fool until the host quietened them all by saying that as far as he could see there was only one gentleman guest at the dinner party and that was the young man himself because he was not so ignorant as to make fun of someone else.

Perhaps the son who is a snob could be shown that where he feels you do not come up to his expectations it is in fact the opposite and with his attitude it is he who falls short of yours and yet unlike him you do not choose to be ashamed of him but still love him despite his shortcomings.

[Winnie G]

Our son has more then reached his expectations with us he has over come a life on the road of hard knocks, we are very proud of him, he over came much to get were he is now. He knows that we love him so much that why his acts all wherried / snobbish is so hurtful. he has come such a long way why he would choose this behavior hurts us all.

[WillowTheWhisp]

I knew I probably hadn't said what I meant to say. I'm not very good at explaining things. I don't mean that you are not proud of your son for what he has achieved in his life, for having overcome obstacles to get where he is. You are obviously proud of that, but where he lets you down is in not being proud of you and who you are. If he is ashamed of you then anything else he has in his life which he is proud of pales by comparison. You are obviously not proud of his attitude towards you.

[the_jason]

Even when our kids leave the house we still have a responsibility to teach them. You have every right to be firm with him and tell him that what he's doing is wrong. Allowing him to do it is condoning his behavior, and that's not acceptable.

[Misshalfway]

My guess is that his feelings aren't about you at all. They are about himself!! And he is projecting them on you. Glad you were honest with him. Sounds like he needs to do a little self inventory.

I think you shouldn't worry about it. Gently hand his "stuff" back to him and stand tall. He needs to know how his thinking and behaving is affecting you all. He needs to take responsibility. Hope he has the courage to do so instead of blaming everyone else for his insecurity. His issues don't have to be your issues, though. You are absolutely as good as anyone else. Not proving of that is needed!!!!