BusyMom

It's really easy to talk about all these borrowers who are overextended. I was one of those borrowers. Between a variety of financial problems (extended unemployment being one) and an increasing mortgage, we got to the point where we couldn't keep up. We decided to sell to a private investor to make sure we could sell the house and avoid foreclosure. Well to make a long story short, he borrowed $60,000 against my house and made it impossible to get the house back w/o taking on that loan...yeah right! I asked for help from the state and got none. To file the necessary paperwork, a lawyer wanted $15,000 up front...umm, nope don't have it! I found out this dude had been prosecuted on fraud charges previously and contacted his parole officer...yep, he sent me on to the Dept. of Finance who investigated but did nothing. The DA will look at it but recommends a private attorney because it's a civil matter. In the meantime, the investor failed to complete the purchase and the house went into foreclosure. Yep, it stinks! I sure wish I had a "bail out" plan to fall back on. I tried to do the right thing and get out of the house prior to foreclosure. I did finally get a judgement from the court but well, I have the task of collecting on it. There are real people involved in this crisis and some are doing their best to do the right things. I know moving in, I never expected a 9 month streak of un/under employment for my husband and it certainly made things very difficult. Oh, and this investor is still "buying" houses and probably taking out loans against them so he can do it all wrong and shady but no one gives a darn because the buyer made a mistake.

A birth pool! Totally cool. Laboring in the warm water is so wonderful for pain relief. Best wishes!

At three months, you can start working on some techniques to "train" your baby to sleep better. I am a firm opponent to the cry it out method. When your baby is breastfeeding to go to sleep, watch her closely and when she is drowsy, take the breast out of her mouth before she is completely asleep (use your pinky between the corner of the baby's mouth and the nipple to break suction or OUCH! ); for bottle feeding do the same when you see the baby getting drowsy . Now place her in her crib and rub her back, sssh her, and help her go the rest of the way to sleep. (place babies on thier backs to sleep to reduce the risk of SIDS). This way she will know that she went to sleep in her crib and she will begin to associate the crib with where she goes to sleep, not the breast or bottle or mom's arms. When she wakes up and you are certain she is not hungry, check her for being wet and change her if needed, then gently help guide her back to sleep again. Do not turn on lights, do not spend time playing or snuggling, this is to teach her to sleep. Another tip is that white noise or a sound machine (rain, wind, ocean type sounds) can help to improve sleep length and quality in infants. If she fusses when she awakens because you are not picking her up, set up a chair next to the crib and make your presence known and rub her back until she falls asleep. You may only get a few minutes in the first time because she gets very frustrated...that's OK...if she's really upset pick her up. The goal is a gradual increase in time between awakening and being picked up because we want her to self-soothe not self-destruct. The goal is an ability to sleep well, not to destroy her trust that you will meet her needs. And putting a pacifiier in her mouth when you remove the breast or bottle is perfect for her to meet her sucking needs in her crib. So on day 1, you put her in the crib and get her to sleep. She wakes up at hour 3, go in with lights off and rub her back to sleep. You go in, rub her back, and in 2 minutes she's frazzled, pick her up, rock her back to sleep and put her in the crib when she is just about out--again making the association that the crib is where she needs to sleep. Put on the white noise or sounds on low and walk away. By day 7, you should be seeing improvement in her sleep length and quality. In addition, if she awakens in the middle of a cycle it should be easier to help her back to sleep. Always be alert to potential medical issues and any special instructions provided by your doctor. Babies should sleep on thier backs to reduce the risks of SIDS.

I think that when the ideal is working, families can be very healthy and happy. The problem is that life often deals a very interesting set of challenges that takes most families away from the ideal. I tried to stay at home with my children at one point but there was no money to do anything. I could not afford to buy art supplies or enroll my kids in classes or even pay for a zoo membership or the gas to get there. I think it is of little benefit to stay home if you can not do things with your kids and enjoy being a stay at home mom. I was miserable! My bishop finally told me to get a job because we were struggling to pay our basic bills. I felt guilty going to work because I had been told and believed I was "supposed" to be a stay at home mom and be happy about it. It is important to have balance. If you are going to stay home, you should be able to enjoy it. If you need to go to work, you should feel good about your ability to contribute not guilt. In fact, in my last ward I finally overcame the bad feelings and went back to work. My kids were in a good childcare center and I loved the staff. I loved my job, it gave me a reason to get up in the morning and keep going. I had someone in my ward tell me that I should ditch the job because I needed to be home nurturing my children. It took a lot for me to not tell her that paying the bills and keeping mom sane was niurturing my children the best I could right now. I think we have to stop the guilt and remember that the ideal is awesome but most of us are living a skewed reality and need to find joy and happiness in the situation we find ourselves in. Are the roles themselves oppressive? In a good to ideal situation, probably not. Can people who don't understand make the roles oppressive? Absolutely!

First off, chocolate and onions are not off limits when breastfeeding. Some moms and some babies can't tolerate certain foods, but the majority of mothers can eat as they did during pregnancy. In fact, the amniotic fluid contains the taste of foods the mom eats and so does the breast milk so this can be comforting to the baby. Sorry, I am really picky about misinformation that impacts moms and babies. I am a doula and lactation educator. Second, simethicone is shown in several research studies to be ineffective against colic. Has your baby experienced any changes lately in her diet (moving off breastmilk, moving to a different formula, adding liquids like water, or adding solids)? Has she experienced a change in her environment (moving to a new home, starting daycare, having a new person move into the house, etc)? Like others have suggested, it may be an ear infection but only a health care professional could diagnose this accurately--new advice is to avoid the antibiotics in the first few days and try ear drops for pain relief (these are available over the counter or prescription) and then re-check the ears and if the infection is still present then proceed to antibiotics. Antibiotic overuse is associated with resistant infecctions and cancer in adulthood.

5-7 hours is actually pretty good for a 3 month old. Does she go to bed early? How much sleep are you getting? She is young enough that 2 good naps a day would be "typical". What time does she get up in the morning?

Hi Dolly: Sleep Deprivation is definitey a big issue for new moms. Are you breastfeeding or bottlefeeding? How often is baby awakening during the night? and does she nap consistently during the day?

I have to say that the one thing I did like about having a commute of 40-60 minutes a day was that it was a time where I could pray without anyone else around. I miss that time, I don't really miss the commute.

What this forum has made me recognize is that it appears we are not providing adequate information in the young women's programs for young women to recognize what going to the temple is all about. In addition, it sounds like we are neglecting to help them build an identity centered on the fact that they are daughters of God. They recite a Young Women's theme weekly but do they believe it? Are we missing the mark? I know I felt like these young women did, I went to the temple out of obedience and I really didn't understand all the covenants and promises. It has come with time. Had I been more prepared, I think I would have felt so much more confident and prepared! I also really didn't understand the garments and it took a few times talking to other sisters and going through the initiatory part of the temple to really start to "get it". Lee Anne, I hope I did not offend you or make you feel bad. Life is a learning experience. Making mistakes is part of the journey, not the end of it. We have each other to learn from and the Lord expected us to struggle with certain things. It sounds like you are open to learning and trying new ways and that will be a huge benefit to you. Wishing you all the best!

Glad to help!

"Results supported previous research indicating that most adolescents who sexually offend do not continue offending into adulthood. Such results can lead to improved treatment by targeting specific risk factors for intervention and better use of risk management resources in the community, while preserving the most restrictive treatment options for the highest risk offenders." from Sexual Abuse: Journal of Research and Treatment, Vol 18(4), Oct 2006. pp. 319-342. I can't post a complete link because I found this in my University's electronic database. If you want some more references, just let me know. What is found in treating adolescent offenders is that they have "turned off" their empathy in order to offend (regardless of whether they were abused or not). One of the major goals of treatment involves them having to work through empathy exercises, learn to experience "group consequences" (when one member messes up, they all face the consequences) and taking responsibility for their actions. Programs are quite intense, private ones are VERY expensive, and require involvement of the family to promote the best outcomes. The good news is that adolescents have a high chance of recovery and no further offenses--most of this is based on theories of development in the brain and the ability to retrain thinking patterns. The most effective treatment is before an offender is 17 years old. Treatment is more effective that locking them up in jail and less expensive. Hope that helps! I can find you more resources if you would like.

I'm worried about your daughter and his other victims, this is a vicious crime that has serious consequences. She suffered abuse at his hands for a number of years. I don't know her age but a good counselor, I think, is imperative. If he is stalking her, how does she feel about this? What can she do for herself ? (she needs to feel some control and empowerment) Can she file for a restraining order? As for him, he needs help. The criminal justice system for adults rarely provides any treatment, juvenile justice systems are better at this. Of course, juvenile offenders are more malleable and have lower recidivism rates than adults so treatment money is better spent. There are many sexual addiction self-help groups, outpatient treatment programs, and residential treatment centers for this problem. Is he going to trial for his actions? Has it been reported? My personal opinion is it should be. My reasoning is that a thorough investigation will be made and possibly more victims uncovered. This allows these victims an opportunity to be heard and to get counseling and other help they might need. Second, if the investigation shows abuse happened (I think the standard on this is "preponderance of the evidence") then he will be listed on the CPS or DFS registry as an abuser and will not be able to be employed in Human Service fields (day care, elder care, counseling,) where he could take advantage of vulnerable people. By reporting , you are protecting them! As a pp stated, he was probably a victim of sexual abuse himself. He needs to receive victim-specific treatment. However, he is responsible for his actions as an offender and needs to receive offender-specific treatment. There is a lot involved in treatment on both sides, let's just suffice it to say that this is a LONG process. How old is he?

Wow! This is an absolutely fascinating discussion. I spent 10 years in the Phoenix Arizona area where summer heat is typically over 100 degrees. I even had one year that I was pregnant and had no a/c in my mini-van but I still wore my garments when appropriate (taking 5 kids to the pool and no time to change, I wore my swimsuit on these trips) and I don't ever recall this being a discussion amongst the sisters or friends. I understand completely the frustration with layers of clothing and the heat, I am not judging anyone's decisions as we must each make our own and be responsible for them. Just commenting that in 10 years in a HOT, HOT place I never heard discussion about not wearing the temple garments.

I'm thinking this is for older babies. What is the age recommendation on this?

I would have to say I would have a hard time killing someone just over stuff in the house but if they were harming or intending to harm my children that would be a different story!

I really like my Focus.

The child development center I worked at implemented yoga routines for the kiddos after lunch and before nap time. They did tons of fun activities (quiet) like "catching rainbows" "catching sleepy dust" "reaching for the sun to make them warm" etc. We also had some children with behavioral challenges and started to use it when they were in solitary time and helping them learn how to breathe when they were upset. It worked quite well. I think they would be bored in an adult class that is meant to teach mediation but when designed with kids in mind yoga classes can provide definite benefits,esp. in a world where are kids are consistently overstimulated.

Forgiveness is a process and a journey. Someone mentioned they thought they had forgiven only to feel the pain again later, that's because it takes time to truly forgive. You have to decide when and how much to allow a person who has offended you back into your life. Be patient with yourself, the commandment does not say we have to forgive immediately. Trust in the Savior to guide you. A good counselor can help you process your feelings and thoughts related to what's happened to you. And right now, take care of yourself...do something good for yourself each day because healing is a lot of hard work. You need your energy to build your relationship with Heavenly Father and the Savior so they help you, if you're running on empty, this isn't going to happen! I hope that you are able to find the peace you are so desperately seeking.

Oh my! that is hysterical!!!

As a working woman in the church, I can tell you that there is a lot of judgement placed on working women. No one even takes the time to understand the situation. It's become such a competitive situation in my ward that it's ridiculous, there's not sisterhood, it's just a competition to see who does a better job in whatever (homemaking, party planning, child rearing, etc). I have also chosen to pursue a second Master's degree to be able to work in my chosen field after an unexpected job transfer for my husband. I believe that polygamy will come back in the future but until we quench this competitve spirit (and it exists all over the USA, probably the world) it will not work! The women have to learn to accept and work together for the good of all and not try to be better than one another.

Sorry, I've been off writing papers. In fact, the last one was quite interesting in that it detailed a case study of an LDS woman being abused by her husband and the counselor utilizes a feminist perspective. Now, in counseling (and what I referred to in the opening post) is the feminist perspective which states: 1. The personal is political. Generally what we experience has something to do with culture and society's norms and expectations. Rarely, is a problem simply the result of an interpersonal failing. 2. A committment to change. Change that helps elminate discrimination and oppression for ALL people. 3. Egalitarian relationships. Relationships should seek to enhance the strengths of each person and not be cut along gender lines. Each person should feel that their contribution is valuable and valued, not necessarily "equal". 4. Honor women's experiences. Women (and other oppressed groups) should be able to voice their experiences, in thier words, from their perspective and have it honored and validated without predujice due to preconceived notions or societal ideals. This, as I stated earlier, is a theoretical/philosophical view not a political statement. I think it's compatible with the LDS faith and I didn't have much a problem helping my LDS case study client using this philosophy and the tenets of the LDS religion. Any thoughts?

Abortion is a specific issue. Feminism is a philosophical view of thinking about women's issues. You do not have to be a feminist to support abortion nor do you have to support abortion to be a feminist. So, you're bringing up a hot button issue to draw the attention away from the bottom line: Is the philosophy of feminism compatible with Mormonism?

I guess I ask because I have heard it said that they can not co-exist but I disagree with this. I believe that when a society meets the needs of its women then the society functions better. I can not understand for the life of me why a man makes more money for the same job, or why the care of animals is paid better than care of children. I believe that political action is significant for making things better for women and I think that women should have the right to define their roles. I think that there are so many great opportunities and the ability to coordinate and participate in a profession while having a family is better for many women (this is often dependent, however, on the amount of education a woman has obtained). I think that support is about meeting the needs of the one being served, not some pre-assigned, pre-defined model. I am asking because I feel very drawn to the feminist model in the counseling profession and helping women to find their strength and to understand their problems from a holistic perspective and not just as an interpersonal failing or weakness. I just watned to see how others felt.

Do you think that the two can co-exist? Can an LDS Woman be a feminist?

I think a lot of people are ignorant on the subject of ADHD and its debilitating effects. I think that if your desire is to utilize natural/alternative therapies in the future, you need to find a psychiatrist who will support your efforts. Also begin by finding a qualified professional in the area of alternative medicine you are interested in (chiropractic, nutrition. counseling, herbs, etc) and start on some small steps now. My daughter is currently on medication for a psychiatric issue but with the encouragement of the psychiatrist we have begun nutritonal therapies and chiropractic as a part of her treatment plan. The chiropractor and pyschiatrist communicate with one another on their observations and therapies so my daughter is getting comprehensive, supportive care. Check with a nutritionist about your diet and adding Omega-3's which research supports helps with ADHD. Some clients are able to wean off medications (with professional guidance) and for some they use it to enhance the effectiveness of their prescribed medications. This is truly a chemical imbalance and thank goodness we are able to find ways to work with the body and help you back to full functioning. As long as you have studied your options and are working towards full health, you have no need to feel guilty for your choices. Your nutritionist can also advise you on the use of caffeine, if this is a route you want to go, so that you can get the maximum benefit from anything you try. All, I can say from my personal experiences is that I am thankful for medications because sometimes they provide the "immediate relief" from symptoms that allow a breather to work through some of the underlying issues. Alternative therapies are great but take time to work to full effect and require a great deal of effort, meaning that we need that immediate breather to be able to absorb and change in the ways needed for these to work. Good luck on your journey and be patient with yourself.