ferretrunner

There's often a pattern that develops in domestic violence situations. It's not uncommon for people in a violent relationship to still love the perpatrator. After all, he didn't start out abusive. That came later. Often, there are times of relative peace. The perpetrator is nice again, apologetic, promises to never do it again. The woman feels something here- maybe she thinks he'll change, maybe she still loves him, etc. Then, tension starts to build. Eventually, there's another incidence of violence. Then, he apologizes and it starts again. That's a simplified version to a complex problem. There are reasons women can't leave: 1. Financial- no resources 2. Fear 3. Children- he threatens that he will get custody and she'll "never see them again" Or she doesn't know how she'll take care of them if she leaves. Or he works to turn the kids against her. 4. Love 5. No place to go 6. She doesn't recognize it as abuse 7. religious beliefs 8. No where to go 9 No job skills 10. pets- can't take them with her to a shelter. The abuser threatens to kill them or abuses them too. Or kills the animals. 11. He threatens friends and family members 12. She's just too scared to leave 13. She blames herself 14. She thinks she can "fix" the relationship Those are only some I have heard while working with women. There are others. Utimately, domestic violence is about power and control. He manipulates her and her life. There are elements of physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, mental, and often sexual abuse in the relationship. She often is not allowed to work. He checks her phone records, her internet cache, follows her. He can come over as "Mr. Nice Guy" to her coworkers, family, friends, and associates. They have a hard time believing in the abuse. Sometimes, though, he threatens them, too. And her perspective allies are afraid and back away. Sometimes, he doesn't allow any contact with anyone. He makes it difficult for her to associate with anyone and eventually she no longer has the emotional energy to try. Or she's just too afraid. Here are a couple of good links: This is for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It will bring up a warning and escape option talking about computer tracking. That is for the safety of women and does not mean there's a virus or anything: National Domestic Violence Hotline This link has educational information and resources: Introduction - Domestic Violence Part of what you can do to help is be informed. If you can find a way to gently ask her about her injuries, do it. She may not tell you the truth but she may start to recognize you as a "safe person" who might be willing to help. "I noticed you have some bruises. I'm a bit worried. What happened?" Or words to that effect. I hope she finds her way to safety. Be careful yourself, too.

My parents both practice different religions. When my siblings and I were children, this was problematic, as they argued about which church to attend constantly. Sundays were "fight days" and often we were also treat to "Saturday Night Fights" are a prelude to the next morning. Our lives developed a pattern. We'd attend a protestant church of some sort for a month or so. Something would happen. Then, the fighting would become more intense and we wouldn't attend church again for several months. Wash, repeat, rinse. Fundamentally, my parents were not respecting each others' differing beliefs. The children grew up with a skewed view of Christianity. Of the three, I am the only one invloved in a Church right now. And, most of you know that I struggle constantly with my faith. I wish I could get to the point that I was comfortable questioning without feeling fear. Or get to the point that questioning isn't all that important. Did this come of our upbrining? I doubt that it was 100% responsible. After all, my siblings and I have agency to choose. But, I know this upbrining impacted our faith development. In the years after the children all grew up and left the house, my parents came to an eventual acceptance. My father attends services at his church on Sundays and my mother attends hers. Mom goes with Dad on the senior trips to various places that his church offers. Occassionally, my father goes with Mom to a special service at her church- like Christmas Eve midnight Mass. I am happy my parents have found a way to mutually respect each other's choices and faith practices. Dad had to work at getting past his upbringing and beliefs regarding my Mom's church. He still has moments but he tries. I wish my parents had discovered the importance of mutual respect of each other's religious practices when we were still children. I think it would have made a huge difference in how things turned out for all of us. Marrying outside your religion is not necessarily bad. But, it brings about challenges. Mutual respect is mandatory. You have to be willing to accept your partner's beliefs and work to find solutions to how to raise your children to respect both and to follow their agency.

That doesn't make sense to me. It seems that the criteria should be the readiness of the individual, not her age.

As an adult, I most likely would have seen that as a youth only trip and not attended. And then wondered why non-married adults aren't offered the same opportunities as children.

I would be more interested in how the man is NOW. What is his faith like? How does he treat people? Does he uphold the priesthood and the commandments? When young men are 19-21, some just are not mature enough to serve a mission. Or they have health issues. Or they don't have a testimony. Or they just don't "feel like" going. Perhaps that lassitude is reflective of any of the above or other causes. However, 5-10 years later, they're more mature. Their faith is strong; they have a testimony and strive to uphold the commandments. They have learned and grown. So, disqualify them as a potential date/ husband because they didn't serve a mission? No. From talking to the missionaries, there is much of their calling that reminds me of the military. THe military is not for everyone. I think there are some wonderful men out there who just don't fit the "missionary mold" at age 19. Yes. I would marry a non-RM

I hope your meeting went well. I'm glad you went in to talk about it. Having another person helping you along the way is important. Even if your mission papers get pushed back, it's important to work through what was happening now. You'll still get to serve a mission in the future. And you'll probably feel better prepared and stronger going in. Good luck with your future mission!

OP, If part of your concern is not having experience with kids, then why not ask if you could help out in primary or in the nursery? Remember, though, they're not your kids. From what I understand, there's a huge emotional bond with your own kiddo. So, changing diapers isn't such an awful experience. =) Read up on parenting. Information may help you feel less overwhelmed. I actually like the show Super Nanny. Jo basically demonstrates how some basic concepts have tremendous impact on the children: respectful, age appropriate discipline, listening and learning about your kiddos, and having fun! Any way you slice it, parenting is hard. No one is ever really "ready." It's also a process. Parents learn as they go. As for the matter of using bc or not- pray, follow your conscience, and talk with your partner in the decision. You both have stake in this. Congrats on your preparation for the Temple!

I'm still feeling happy with the decision. When I was praying about whether or not to take Sacrament, I had a strange experience. It was almost like Someone was questioning me: or guiding me through the process on how to find the answer myself. When I was pondering if I had enough faith and/or repentance I felt the question "Do you believe in the Savior" Well, yes. "Do you believe in the atonement?" Yes. "Do you believe Joseph Smith is a Prophet and the Book of Mormon is true?" yes... but, with some reservations. "Are you open and teachable? Willing to accept these things are true?" Yes. "Do you have a broken heart and a contrite spirit?" Definitely. But, what about all my other doubts and questions... to which I felt, "What about them? Are they really that important or just a distraction?" Then, I felt a sense of peace about taking the Sacrament. It actually took longer to type the experience than to have it. It was incredible. It's funny. Now, I look forward to Sunday and wish I could have some more contact during the week.

I actually found this thread helpful. In responding to the OP, I had to look at some of the issues that were challenging my faith and holding me back from being active in the Church. We all know there's anti- writings all over the place. Sometimes talking about them can be a spiritual process, as it can call us to a deeper reflection of our own beliefs. There's nothing wrong with being challenged. I wish I had gained the peace and knowledge I have now eariler.

I have been struggling so much with my testimony and the Church for months. All you have to do is read the bulletin boards to know some of the story. I went back to Church today. It was great. The lessons were on faith. And they were exactly what I needed. I had prayed last night about whether or not I should take communion today. When I arrived, I still wasn't sure. When the time came, I felt the strong urge, yes, and a sense of peace. During Sacrament, I was quietly praying and reflecting on my doubts. I had a sense of "don't worry so much." The talks about faith- even if it's just a desire to believe- or the size of a mustard seed, or strong and unshakable- it's faith. That's the foundation. That's the focus. My questions are just questions. Ultimately, what matters is 1. faith in Jesus and in the Heavenly Father, 2. Faith in the plan of salvation, 3. testimony of the church. All else will be answered (or not) in due time. The Gospel Essentials class continued on the lesson of faith. One of my visiting teachers was in the class and we had a talk about questioning and reviewing the basics. She was born in the Church and is also "getting back" to revisiting the basic beliefs of the Church. Relief Society was fun and informative. The RS President was happy to see me and we talked for awhile afterwards. The lesson, though, was incredible. Faith. What you need to get direction when you make decisions (faith, prayer, fasting, blessings, scripture, talking to friends/ advisors, Temple, openness, action, listening). What you need to have spiritual communication and what interferes with spiritual communication and the development of faith. For me, the last one was very powerful. FEAR. Fear of not being accepted, not being "good enough," being "too different." Fear I can't "pretend to be what I'm not." I had the powerful, powerful feeling when I realized fear was holding me back, especially the last piece. I am LDS. I don't have to understand everything. It's ok even if I doubt some of it or even disagree. I need willingness to be taught, willingness to change, a broken heart and a contrite spirit. I recognized today, that in a very real sense, I was making much ado about nothing. But, my fears and concerns were very real to me at the time. This afternoon, my visiting teachers came. We spent 3 hours talking about the Church, our journies, and getting to know each other. I know this is only a part of my journey. But, it was a spiritually powerful day. I pray I can continue with this growth.

I didn't know you could volunteer to be called. I thought everything to do with callings was up to the bishop. Intriguing.

Congrats! That is really exciting. For me, it was a very spiritual and special day.

Sorry about that. I've been reading some fiction and the like either written during that time period or taking place in that time period lately. I remember my mom referring to them as nappies now. Funny how words can mean different things in different cultures- even when we supposedly speak the same language.

LM, Great point. I think it's a bit weird that we abstain from hot drinks but hot chocolate is ok... Hmmm. Well, it does have two food groups- milk and chocolate. :) Now, getting back to the point of the original thread. I think eating animals killed by strangulation was forbidden in connection with the practices of the pagan cultures of the day. Much of their sacrifices were done by strangulation as well as by knife.

My mind went somewhere else totally when I read the title of the thread. The British use the term "napkin" to refer to a diaper. What?! Someone put a diaper on a YW's shoulders..ewww. Sure hope it was a fresh one. Sorry. I hope this is along the lines of a teaching story told somewhere. I'd hate to think that it's true and someone humilated the YW that way. As for being asked to leave the dance- that's harsh. Pull the YW in question aside and explain the beliefs and customs of the Church. Allow her to stay and encourage her to participate again, in proper attire. Her friend can help her to know. Anyho, that's my take on it.

Talk to your chaplain or chaplain assistant. Even if they are not LDS, they would know if there is an LDS meeting for you to attend, even deployed. If there's not a meeting, they may be able to help with getting scriptures or perhaps connecting you with other members. There are recognized lay leaders in denominations and faiths not covered by the chaplains. Perhaps the chaplain can help organize an LDS meeting. Hooah! I'm due to go to Afghanistan next year, if I can get my medical issue cleared.

Mary, I'm glad to see you going back. It's hard but try to reach out to someone. The easiest way to make friends is to talk to people.

When I was an investigator, the RS President at my first Ward and I became fairly close friends. I took many of the missionary lessons at her house. I got to know her and her husband very well. At one point, I had read some of the anti-Mormon stuff on the internet while doing some research. It discussed polygamy. The next day, the RS President had invited me to her house for dinner, then to watch a movie. I asked them about polygamy and we ended up having an informative discussion about it. Several days later, she told me that I am one of the few women she would share her husband with, were polygamy commanded. If I were told I had to marry into a polygamous marriage, I would be ok with that family. I think it comes down to relationships. I liked her husband and respected him. I consider him a friend. He respects me and likes me- we're friends. It would take serious communication and interpersonal skills to get a polygamous marriage to work where one spouse does not feel neglected or hurt. If you think about it, marriages between one man and one woman fail at an alarming rate. Now, add in a third, fourth, or fifth person.... The relationship would be incredibly difficult. I think the marriages would have to be between people who had strong friendships and good communication skills prior. Just my .02.

Faded, That is interesting. I didn't know that Utah/Desert had women voting before they joined the States. I don't see not allowing women to hold the priesthood as oppressive. That is what the teaching of the Church is- and it also doesn't use the priesthood to teach that "men are surperior" to women. The Church does honor the role of motherhood and other activities women perform. For a single, non- mother, I often feel left out in the Church because so much focus is on the roles of wife/mother. But, that is a personal struggle and not an example of "oppression." Honestly, if I felt oppressed by the Church, there would be no struggle. I wouldn't attend- nor would I want to attend. I think individual members of the Church can behave in an oppressive fashion. There are men out there who abuse their wives. THere may be a Bishop who oversteps his authority... These are individual examples- but not reflective of the Church as a whole. I would hope an abusive Saint would fall under censure from priesthood authorities.

I really had to give this some thought. I am an LDS woman. But, I'm inactive. I have never felt "oppressed" by the Church nor anyone in it. However, I feel I don't belong because of the expectations placed on women by the Church, or perhaps more accurately, members of the Church. I am single, no kids. And not interested in marriage. I am open to the possibility if I meet a man who treats me with respect and can be a partner. But, at this point, I'm not too hopeful that will ever happen. I have been told in the past that I can't make it to the Celestial Kingdom without being married. Then I'm told, if I'm not married in this life, I'll meet him in the next. Why does my destination predicated upon my marital status? When I go to RS meetings, most of the lessons focus on being a good wife and mother. These roles are important, especially motherhood. But, there's more to being a woman than wife and mother. I really feel left out at the meetings. "Oh, this will be important for you when you're married." To be fair, the women I have met for the most part are nice and not trying to be judgemental. Clothing: Sunday best. You MUST wear a skirt or dress to meetings. I agree to dress respectfully. However, I have a wardrobe full of professional and professional casual clothing. With the exception of my military dress uniform and a funeral dress, they're all slacks and/or pantsuits. How I appear as a woman is more important than who I am? There are times I really feel that I am held to an identity in the Church that I cannot ever acheive. I have a lot of wonderful qualities as a human being. Unfortunately, "femininity" by societal and church standards does not seem to be one of them. I could go and pretend to be someone I am not. But that's just not me. I have had experiences with home teachers and older members of RS telling me to change who I am to be more in line with a "daughter of the Heavenly Father" regarding my independence and not being married. At one point, one of my home teachers told me that if I acted "more like a lady" I could get a "good husband to take care of me." Maybe that had something to do with me speed drinking my soda pop, chewing with my mouth open, and belching loudly while having my muddy combat boots on the coffee table? (just kidding). One of the RS women told me to stop running so much- men don't like women who are so active. I honestly feel I can't be who I am in the Church. I have to be a certain type of woman to be acceptable and fit in. I often wonder why the HF created me this way. lol. I guess someone has to go to the other Kingdoms. Or serve those who can make it to the Celestial Kingdom. That being said, I don't think this is "oppression." Joining and remaining is a matter of free will. I have met some wonderful people in the Church. And I have seen people change and heard others talk about how helpful the Church has been to them and how much they grew. Members of the Church have helped me several times. There are many of the teachings I agree with wholeheartedly. And I wish sometimes I could be who I am expected to be as a female. I've tried but it's faking it and I know it. All in all, I think the Church does lead to spiritual growth, friendships, and support for many people. It does a lot of good in this world. I'm not sure how this response will come over. I truly am not trying to bash the Church (or any member) in any way. I have been struggling with these issues (among others) for awhile. In a way, I wish I felt comfortable talking to someone about this. When I've tried in the past, the RS president wasn't really open. I think the topic made her uncomfortable. I guess it's not easy being green. (Kermit the Frog)

Traveler, Can YOU be my home teacher? j/k. I met one of my home teachers today at work (of all places). I was one of those inactive members who moved. And the Church somehow found me again. This is almost freaky. Sorry, a bit OT but it was weird.

1. What is your favorite color? blue 2. Where were you born? Athens 3. Did you serve a mission and if so where? No mission.... 4. Married or single? single 5. What is your favorite food? Pasta primavera with jumbo shrimp 6. What is your favorite movie? tie between Lion King, Sister Act, and Ice Age 7. Who is your favorite band? President's Own 8. Do you have children? yes I have 3- Lady Tosca, Koda Bear, and Taliesin 9. Who is your favorite author? Mercedes Lackey, Marion Zimmer Bradley, Kathy Reichs, John Saul... and one or two others. 10. What is your hobby? Running marathons and reading books 11. What is your idea of the perfect vacation? Running the Honolulu Marathon or London or Edinburgh or Disney World. GOing somewhere I haven't been- maybe Australia. Or backpacking through Scotland. 12. What is your favorite city? Seattle 13. What is your favorite sports team? Seattle Seahawks and Minnesota Vikings 14. What kind of car do you drive? Nissan Sentra 15. What was the first car you owned? 1991 Nissan Sentra 16. What calling do you hold in church? none at the moment 17. If you could travel anywhere in the world that you have not been to before, where would it be? Australia or Africa 18. What is your favorite tv show? NCIS 19. What is your current favorite restaurant? Chain: Applebees. Local: Mom's Place 20. What event in your life gave you the biggest rush? flying in a C-130 when it had a mechanical malfunction and slid off the runway. Yeah. That was freaky. __________________

drama Massage or soaking in a hot bath

Oh, sorry was that you Hordak? Sorry about that evil eye thing- I was having a bad day. ^_^

Mine started with "I loved my science teacher..." I went no further than that! I had this image of my eighth grade science teach and I didn't WANT to go any further. lol