jackmormon

Yes, welcome here indeed. You are faced with quite the quandary as you are making big decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life. Whatever you choose, make the decision today that leaves you the option for anything you might possibly want down the road. Good luck!

Just wondering if you made it to church on Sunday and how it went?

I was born a Mormon and I never wanted to go on a mission because I was afraid. I was afraid to leave the comfort of home, I was afraid to go somewhere where I knew nobody, I was afraid to bother people about church, and I was afraid that I would miss many of the things I like to do. I was afraid that I didn't measure up to missionary standards, I was afraid that I would be wasting the Lord's time and my parent's money, and even though I had read the Book of Mormon, I was certain that I should be the student, not the teacher. I was afraid because I didn't even know what missionaries did. Somehow my bishop talked me into going on a mission (mostly because I couldn't look him in the eye and say no). When my parents left me at the MTC I had the sudden knowledge that this was now real. I, the seemingly unworthy, put my self-esteem issues aside and at the risk of being perceived as a complete and total idiot, I first put my trust in the Lord and then I went out and pretended like I knew what I was doing. It was a very short time before I learned that I was no less worthy than most missionaries and in not much longer of a time I learned so much about the gospel and my testimony that to this day it is unshaken. It is quite likely that your mission will do more for you than anybody else.

Congratulations on popping your bubble to do something like join the church, that says a lot about your character. I work in an industry where immorality abounds, I am frequently tempted to say and do things that are inappropriate. I have layed some ground rules for myself, I will never allow others to see me say or do anything inappropriate, and when I'm by myself, all I have to do is imagine explaining my actions to one of my kids and I instantly lose the desire to do whatever I thought of. I realize you may not have kids or even a wife yet, but you will someday. Keep up the good work, you're doing way better than you think you are.

I'm not exactly sure what your question is, but here are a couple thoughts that might help. First of all, don't be so hard on yourself. You are undoubtedly going through a vicious cycle of repentance/wrongdoing, in which you are good for a while, then bad, with each peak of the cycle becoming more extreme. Learn to not focus on what has happened in your past, don't worry about tomorrow, just try to make it today. Set realistic goals for achievement and write them down. Don't make it one big goal, rather make it a bunch of small achievable goals that you can cross off as you go along. It's amazing how motivational a bunch of check marks can be even if they were for minor accomplishments. Lastly and seemingly unrelated, make sure you are living the Word of Wisdom to the fullest extent, I'm not talking about smoking, drinking, etc., but healthy living. Eat a balanced diet, work hard, and get enough exercise. It is amazing what this will do for your feelings of self worth, and when you feel like you are worth more to yourself you will be more motivated to take better care of yourself. Good luck, it's not an easy road you walk but you can and will get there.

Congratulations on persevering to the end. I would never call your two years wasted time, and undoubtedly within a few years you will begin to realize this. I served a mission in which I feel like I wasted some time and was productive at other times. Like you I was pressured to make good numbers, but what I came to realize is that it doesn't matter how righteous somebody is, or what calling they hold, ultimately you are responsible for yourself and you have to do what you feel is right. My last two months as a missionary were my most successful, not because I was more experienced, but because I finally decided that the missionary rules, schedule, and teaching system were written for the lowest common denominator (for the biggest idiot out there). I didn't do anything that would be considered un-missionary, but I did do whatever I felt was right regardless of what others pressured me to do. you can't go back and change your mission, but don't live in regret. Grab ahold of your life starting now: accept responsibility for your life, everything you get is what you deserve, and do what you feel is right regardless of what others might persuade you to do.

On second thought, have you considered bringing a video camera to the office to make some recordings for use in future negotiations?

No, don't listen to this useless babble posted here. Tranquilizers are totally the solution.

My opinion is that it is easy to receive forgiveness from above but not until you can forgive yourself. Don't focus on your lifetime of mistakes or you can be easily overwhelmed. Just work on yourself one day at a time.