When to forgive and move on...

[Tamrajh]

I recently had my blinders removed and realized that my husband had been abusive to my kids and was controlling and disrespectful to me as well. I asked him to move out and we are now separated. I have two boys, 15 1/2 years old and 20 years old from previous marriages; the oldest is married and out of the house but the youngest lives with me.

Here's my dilemma, my youngest doesn't really want to be around my husband and doesn't want us to reconcile. My oldest feels that would probably be best for me because he knows that I love my husband very much. And I do. I love him terribly but I cannot stand what he has done. I am able to separate the two and still love him for who he is, but I'm not willing to put up with any abuse or disrespect any longer.

So he's been out for a month now and my son and I have relaxed and enjoyed it.

Hubby has been attending counseling and it seems to be helping. We had a decent conversation and I felt really good about things on Friday. On Saturday we spent the afternoon together then attended the temple that night and went out to a burger joint for dinner. Again, it was really nice and we were able to talk about things and there was no anger or animosity.

Today we went to church together then he went to his place and came back over for dinner but there was a small incident where I didn't like the way he did something with my son. I politely told him to not do it and he got upset and said he was leaving. Seriously, I was polite, I wasn't angry or accusing. Anyway, he left.

So, here's my thing, he's obviously working on things and is doing a lot better but he still has problems with anger when he's around my son. To me that just enforces my son's issues with him and continues to drive the wedge between them making it so my son really doesn't want to be around him at all. I, on the other hand, would like for us to reconcile if he is able to conquer his problems and become who I thought he was all these years.

I've prayed, attended the temple, fasted, talked to my bishop and stake president, all that stuff. I guess I'm wondering, has anyone had experience with going back together when the kids didn't want to? What happened?

[StrawberryFields]

I have a good friend who has remarried to a man with kids. Her kids prefer to be at their dad so they don't need to contend with her new husband. When I first what you had written about the incident with your son tonight I thought of her. She really struggles to feel important to him and his kids come first. His children are all older much like yours are. Could it happen that you just take care of discipline matters with your son and he only deals with him in pleasant times?

[NateHowe]

Your husband is still your husband, but he is also an abuser. Until he ceases to be an abuser, it is unfair for him to live in the same house with your son, who is a minor and therefore reliant on you for housing. If you want to reconcile with your husband, it may be best for him to live in a separate dwelling where your son does not have to live. He is obviously living somewhere else right now - you could continue that arrangement for the two and a half years your son is still a minor at home. You could visit your husband frequently and continue your marriage relationship, but your son would not be in danger.

Once he is no longer a minor, you and your husband can make your decision. If he wants to move back into your home, your son can either deal with him or choose to move out. At age 18, he is a legal adult, capable of making the decision and being responsible for the choice.

Good luck - this is a hard situation, but the right result will come if you counsel with the Lord throughout.

[Tamrajh]

Could it happen that you just take care of discipline matters with your son and he only deals with him in pleasant times?

We've talked about this many times. This is what I've asked but my hubby continues to bypass me and deal with it directly himself which really makes me uncomfortable. Especially given his abuse history.

I know we can continue to be married and live apart but ... do I want that?

[WANDERER]

I'd be concerned about it impacting your son's life decisions...so very many things depend on how they transition from teen to independent young adult. Such a difficult situation for you to be in, so sorry Tamrajh.

[RainofGold]

I think that our children always run to us for protection, and they feel secure when they know that they can count on us. They also should feel protected inside the walls of their own home. I really can't imagine how difficult this might be for you. But I think that as parent our job is to protect our children from anything or anyone that might hurt them and sometimes that includes the other parent.

I feel a lot of respect for my mother for leaving her husband, our step-father. He was a very abusive man, not physically but emotionally to us who left scars on us that have taken years to heal. God bless you on your difficult decision.

[NeuroTypical]

Hi Tamrajh,

Need a little more info in order to give advice. You mention abuse, but you don't tell us what kind. There is a huge difference between beating kids and 'browbeating' them. Being "controlling and disrespectful" doesn't necessarily equal divorce.

Depending on what sort of actual abuse your husband has handed out, my advice could range from "you should focus on the counseling and try to repair the marriage", to "you should get off the internet right now and call the police."

LM

[NateHowe]

Abuse is as psychologically addictive as some drugs are physically addictive. You can choose to stay with him or not, but you have to realize that inviting him back into the house while giving him a few "rules" will not solve the problems between him and your son overnight. Using your son as a test subject to see whether hubby is over his problem yet is cruel. Your first responsibility is to your child.

[Misshalfway]

Tam,

I have no words of wisdom. Just some empathy for the complex and emotional situation in which you find yourself. Forgiveness is an interesting thing that can't be rushed and something that is very individual. I am sure HF is mindful of your needs and feelings as well as for all involved. He will lead you by the hand as you stay prayerful.

Best wishes.

[Tamrajh]

I never thought of it that way, Nate. Thanks for pointing it out.

The type of abuse was from what I would call "light" physical abuse to severe intimidation (telling the kids he was going to punch them whenever they made him angry and I wasn't around. The reason this is severe is he's 6'5" and 270 lbs). So he never beat them or left marks or any of that type of thing, that's why it's gone on for so long, I couldn't quite decide whether or not it was abuse until an incident a couple of months ago. The state has already been involved and there is a file against him, there's no need to call the police.

[Islander]

It seems that you are a long ways away from being able to fix the issues at hand. It is interesting your choice of words (my son) and how you hesitate about "choosing" between them. Regardless, old habits die hard and take significant amount of time and energy to be changed. Only time will tell when and if the breach can be closed and the damage undone. It seem that both of you are in need of extensive counseling.

I hope you have the faith it will take to save yor marriage.

[RainofGold]

Hi Tamrajh,

It's being thirty years since I lived with my step-dad. He never touched any of us, but we were terrified of him. Is interesting how you mention that he never left marks on your kids and that is why it when for so long.

I guess only your sons can tell you if he left any kind of marks in their spirit or their souls. know I might sound too dramatic and is probably because I am a girl that it made such an impact in my life. But to this days I can still remember the anger on his eyes and his voice and it makes me shiver. Only you will know what is the best decision for you and your family, I just wanted to share my own experience because I went through it myself.

Best Wishes,

Rain

[NeuroTypical]

Gotcha.

Well, good luck and God Bless, sister. Situations like these are very difficult. The only real thing I can say, is that regardless of the correct path, no matter what the decision ends up being, forgiveness is both a commandment, and a great blessing. That doesn't mean it's easy.

LM

[rameumptom]

I suggest you first realize that it takes time to get rid of bad habits and build new ones. Allow him time to establish new habits that he's learning in counsel.

I'd suggest rare or no visits or dinners, etc., for 3 months. At the end of 3 months, discuss with both him and his counselor where he currently is at. If they both feel a good progress has been made, then SLOWLY reenter the relationship. Once or twice a week, to get reacquainted. If he holds up doing this for a month, then increase it a little more. If there's a bad incident, then you start over again with him continuing his therapy for another 3 months, before trying again.

[NateHowe]

A good suggestion, Rameumptom. I would add that a series of frank conversations with your son about the matter may help both him and you. Explain that you still love your husband, but that you love and want to protect your son. Ask him what he thinks you should do - not once, but repeatedly over time. As you rebuild the trust between you and your son, he will tell you honestly when he is ready for certain steps. Likewise, if the abuse returns, your son will feel that he can approach you because he trusts you to take action. He needs to know that you are on his side when it comes to preventing abuse.

It is not mine to ask or interfere on this subject, but I will say that if your husband expresses the same abusive behaviors toward you, he is not worthy of you. If he is repentant and sincerely wants to change, he should have to take significant steps to earn your trust again.