In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.

The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing?

You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

[Dr T]

How do you make anti-freeze?

Take away her blanket.

[sakuragirl]

One night a robber broke into a home. While he was aggressively searching through a desk the robber heard a voice say, ''Jesus is watching you!”

He yelled, ''Who said that?!''

Once again the robber heard the same thing, ''Jesus is watching you!''

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was and the parrot replied, ''Arthur.''

The robber said, ''Ha ha! Who names a parrot that?!”

With attitude the parrot laughs, ''Ha ha! The same person who named the pit-bull BEHIND you Jesus!!"

[sakuragirl]

A very small female janitor (4’10’, 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park and was told to go out and sweep up the trash.

As she was getting ready to start cleaning up her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her pockets.

When the supervisor asked her what she was doing, she said, “It’s very windy out there and I’ll get knocked over by the wind… So, now I weigh me down to sweep.”

[sakuragirl]

Three sons left home and prospered in life. When getting back together they discussed their success and the great gifts they were able to buy their elderly mother.

“The first son said, "I sent mom a Mercedes."

The second son said, "I bought mom a mansion.”

The third son smirked and said, "I've got you both BEAT! Remember how mom liked reading the Bible when we were young? And you know she can't see very well anymore?... Well, I sent her an AMAZING parrot that recites the ENTIRE Bible! It took elders in the church 12 years to teach this parrot. He's one of a kind!! Mom now just has to name the verse and BAM… the parrot recites it!"

Soon after this meeting of the sons, mom sent out her thank you letters.

"Andy,” she wrote, "the house you built is so big and even though I live in one room, I still have to clean the whole house."

"John," she wrote, "I am too old to travel and spend most of my time at home, so I never use the Mercedes.

"Mark," she wrote to her third son, “You are my favorite son. You have such good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was simply delicious!!"

[pam]

A few years ago a gentleman who had lost his nose was invited out to tea.

"My dear," said the old lady of the house to her little daughter, "I want you to be very particular and make no remarks about Mr. Jenkins' nose.

Gathered around the table, everything was going well; the child peeped about, looking rather puzzled, and at last startled the table:

"Ma, why did you tell me to say nothing about Mr. Jenknis' nose? He doesn't have one!"

[sakuragirl]

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation and she pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and saying, "I'll take him and him and him."

[pam]

That was worth 5 LOL's.

[sakuragirl]

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she really means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[sakuragirl]

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week count, St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

[sakuragirl]

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

[sakuragirl]

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".

St. Peter said, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much is it to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

After hearing that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. St. Peter and the wife both tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

[Dr T]

A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

[sakuragirl]

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?" "I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world." "Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor. "I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for three days and two nights."

[sakuragirl]

A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

That's a cute one lol

[Dr T]

Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

[sakuragirl]

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme. And Satan said, "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said, "I'll have another - with sprinkles." And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. Then God said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut shrimp, butter dipped lobster chunks and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats and added copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Lucifer said, "You want fries with that?" and Man replied, "Yes! And Super size 'em!" And Satan said "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMOs..

[sakuragirl]

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "son...you are absolutely right, but the funny thing is that they walked every where they went!"

[Dr T]

Where do ghosts live?

At the dead end.

[sakuragirl]

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.

''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

[sakuragirl]

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

[sakuragirl]

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the man in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed his children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!

[sakuragirl]

A man named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.

He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

[Dr T]

Why couldn't the woman buy a bakery shop?

She couldn't raise enough dough.

[sakuragirl]

One day Jesus decided to come down and play a little golf. He brought Moses to caddie for him. He teed off. The ball went high, fell into the top of a tree, bounced off the branches on the way down, hit the ground, rolled down the hill and went into the cup.

Moses said "nice shot,Lord" Jesus looked up and said "thanks DAD"

At the 2nd tee, the ball went way off to the left, bounced off a rock, richochted off a stump and went into the cup. Moses said "nice shot,Lord" Jesus looked up and said "thanks, DAD"

The third tee shot went straight into the lake. Jesus walked out on the water to see if he could find it.

About that time, two old men drove up in a golf cart and seen Him walking around on the lake. One of them says to Moses "Who does he think HE is? Jesus Christ?

Moses replys "He IS Jesus Christ, but He THINKS he's Tiger Woods."