In need of some clean humor!

[Angelkajm]

Things right now in my life seem to be a crazy mess. I am so stressed that I can hardly sleep at night...............................so I am wondering if anyone has any funny stories to tell that might cheer me and everyone else up? In desperate need of some laughter...............oh and please keep it clean!

[MarginOfError]

A white horse fell in the mud...wait, you said clean.

I went white water rafting on Sunday with my scout troop. I was put in the boat with four rather weak paddlers. I knew that ahead of time and I figured I'd get through it okay. But at one point, I told the four of them to paddle. I watch all four paddles go in, I watch all four paddles move back in the water, and then I sat there in shock as the boat didn't move. I almost fell out of the boat laughing.

[Wingnut]

The first time I told my husband I love him, his response was "who wouldn't?"

[Canuck Mormon]

Why are the beaches so clean??

Because of the Tide!!!!!

[Gwen]

ok so the need to be reverent in sacrament meeting thread reminded me of this......lol

we don't have pews we sit in chairs that have to be set up every week (small branch). the missionaries are sitting behind us. my 4 yr old was wiggling around in his seat and ended up with his legs through the back (between the seat and the back of the seat), we don't have the solid ones, they are open. so he is through his chair up to his waist. well he couldn't finish going through cause his head won't fit so he had to come back out the way he went in......... that's trickier than it sounds. i can't pull him back through cause his legs are bending and his belt is catching on the seat. so i'm asking the missionaries to hold his legs up (so he's straight and not bending) and trying to take his belt off so they can push him back through while i catch the other end...... which really was quite funny....so the missionaries got the giggles which didn't help matters. being a small branch of course by this time the whole room is watching the show. i was so embarrassed. my son thought the whole thing was hysterical. i watch him closer now, no sticking your feet through the chair. lol

[rameumptom]

There was a massive fire at the Backwoods University. The library was one of the first buildings to go. Both books were burnt completely. Even worse, one hadn't been colored in yet.

The fire spread to the Dean's office building. It burned down to the wheels.

It spread to the dorms, where the girls were let out of their stalls to run for their lives.

[MorningStar]

Here - an e-mail I got yesterday.

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into

the local Coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5

minutes, and when I came out, There was this cop writing out a parking

ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person

A break'?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His

insensitivity Annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and

then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He

finished The second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue. This

went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him

The more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus,

and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper

stickers that said *edited for political content*

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The

doctor tells me that it's important to my health.

[Wingnut]

Kids Are Quick

____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

____________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

____________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

____________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

____________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

____________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

____________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

____________________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

____________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

[Guest faithful175]

This was a great thread...very funny :)

[Misshalfway]

Ok. So my friend is pregnant and prone to tears anyway but she and her husband were watching a PBS special on parenting. Afterwards she burst into tears because she was sure she was the worst mother ever! She thought about all the mistakes she had made and then went into tuck their 6 year old son into bed. With tears streaming down her face she apologized for every wrong thing she had ever done in raising him. And left the room. Her husband came into his room next to tuck him in. The six year old said, "Dad, mom just came in and told me sorry for everything she did wrong. (Pause) I think you should too!"

:lol:

[lilered]

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married

> Ruth?

>

> A. Ruthless.

>

>

> Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?

>

>

> A. German Shepherds.

>

>

> Q. Who was the greatest financier in the

> Bible?>

>

> A. Noah He was floating his stock while

> everyone else was in

> liquidation.

>

>

> Q. Who was the greatest female financier in

> the Bible?>

>

> A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the

> bank of the Nile and drew out a Little prophet.

>

>

> Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the

> Bible?>

>

> A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the

> Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also,

> probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

>

>

> Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the

> Bible?

> A. Samson. He brought the house down.

>

> Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children

> as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?

> A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

>

> Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant

> lawbreaker in the Bible?

>

>

> A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at

> once.

>

> Q. Which area of Palestine was especially

> wealthy?>

>

> A. The area around Jordan . The banks were

> always overflowing.

>

> Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in

> the Bible?>

>

> A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep

> sleep.

>

> Q. Which Bible character had no parents?

> > A Joshua, son of Nun.

>

> Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?>

>

> A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

>

> PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to

> make coffee?

> Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . ."He-brews"

[lilered]

STORY OF ELIJAH

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"

HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES &THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the

Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

Church Smiles

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

Humor

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.''

Church lesson

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

[Surfndaddy]

An 11 year old gets up every testimony meeting to bear his testimony. One week, he says he's sick. His Mom gently reminds him, "it is testimony meeting today. If you stay home sick, you won't be able to bear your testimony." He thinks for a second, and replies, "Can you bear my testimony for me?"

[Wingnut]

Q: Who was the busiest obstetrician in the Bible?

A: Moses...he delivered all the children of Israel.

Q: Who in the Bible played tennis?

A: Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

[Wingnut]

DISCLAIMER: This is not intended to be man-bashing or husband bashing. If you are a man or a husband withOUT a sense of humor, do not read this. :)

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as

- Romance 9.5

- Personal Attention 6.5

And then installed undesirable programs such as

- NBA 5.0,

- NFL 3.0

- Golf Clubs 4.1

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Tech Support

[Truegrits]

In my next life...

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.

I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping, and awake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.

I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.

I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.

He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup ... gonna be a bear!

[Truegrits]

~~~~~~The Little Lost Girl~~~~~~

A little girl and her mother went shopping in a very large mall one afternoon. After being in a major store for some time the little girl grew tired and sat down on the floor to wait for her mother to finish her shopping.

While she watched the people moving around her, the little girl's mother moved on to another department, not knowing that the little girl didn't follow her. Soon the little girl realized that her mother was nowhere to be seen and she started to cry.

One of the clerks soon heard her and came to ask her why she was crying. The little girl sobbingly told her that she had lost her mommy. The clerk took her by the hand and they set out to find the lost mommy.

After a few minutes had gone by the clerk had an idea. She asked the little girl if she thought that her mommy would recognize her voice, and the little girl nodded her head.

The store clerk took her to the counter and lifted her up so that she could reach the microphone to the store's PA system. The clerk told her to talk into the mike and her mother would hear her voice and come to get her. The sweet little girl held the mike close to her mouth and with tears running down her cheeks and a sob in her voice she said:

"I would like to bear my testimony. I know this Church is true."

Edited September 16, 2008 by Truegrits
fix

[Steven22]

5 reasons not to mess with children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows

what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And

there's the teacher, she's dead."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch

line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[lilered]

Things you can learn from your dog

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal. \

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day,

be silent,

sit close by and

nuzzle them gently

[HiJolly]

Haven't read through these yet... Anyone tell the Utah/Zucchini joke yet?

HiJolly

[lilered]

All I Need to Know in Life I Learned from a COW

Wake up in a Happy MOOOOOD

Honor they FODDER and Mother

and all you UDDER relatives

Never take any BULL from Anyone

Seize every opportunity and

MILK it for all it's worth

It's better to be seen and not HERD

Don't forget to COWNT

your blessings every day

BLACK & WHITE is always

an appropriate fashion statement

Turn the UDDER cheek

and MOOOOVE on

Always let them know

who's the BOSSY

CHEERFULNESS is Contagious

but Don't wait to catch it

from others... and that's no Bull

Be a CARRIER

[Wingnut]

Haven't read through these yet... Anyone tell the Utah/Zucchini joke yet?

HiJolly

Not yet.

[HiJolly]

Ok, well, this really is relevant because it actually happened to us last Sunday. My wife didn't lock the car...

So a guy here in Utah county gets a new job as a regional sales rep, and his boss comes for a week to train him in the job. While here, the new employee not only learns the job, but also shows his boss the beauty of Utah -- Timpanogos Cave, Provo river, temple square, and so forth.

As they get out of their car at each destination, the boss keeps saying "shouldn't you lock the car doors? Somebody might steal something!" And the guy says, "no problem, everythings safe". The boss is doubtful but as the week goes on, he is impressed. Nobody is stealing things out of the car -- all is safe.

So Sunday rolls around and the guy takes his boss to Church. As they get out of the car, he tells the boss to be sure to lock his door (this is because he has a vintage 1965 Ford Mustang coupe V8 327 (etc.) - no auto door locks). The boss gives a double take and says "What! We've left the car unlocked all over Utah, and you want to lock it at CHURCH?"

The guy says, "well, yeah, I mean if we don't the car will be filled with zucchini when we get out of Church!"

HiJolly

ps. my BIL lives in Provo and I have literally seen him on Sunday pushing his loaded wheelbarrow down the street -- loaded with zucchini and summer squash, trying to give it away to his neighbors. I just about burst out laughing, but managed to restrain myself...

[Guest SisterofJared]

So my friend from CA was a nurse, and she worked at a nursing home. This happened to another nurse there.

There was the one old coot there that hated apple juice, and every day when the juice cart came around he would ask for orange juice. One day he was asleep when the juice cart came around, and when he woke up he was disgusted to find a container of apple juice waiting for him.

Now on the same day, the nurse had told him that they needed a urine specimen. The empty sterile container was sitting on his nightstand, waiting until he got the urge.

He stared at that apple juice until he got an idea... he poured the apple juice inside the urine specimen cup, put the lid on, and set it to wait until the nurse came in. In a while, the nurse came in and saw it sitting there.

"Oh I see you have your specimen ready" she said, "The color certainly is dark, isn't it?"

Before she could pick it up, the old man grabbed it, opened it up, and drank it quickly, saying, "Let's run it through again and see how it comes out the second time."

The nurse clapped her hands over her mouth and ran from the room.

ROFL! I bet they didn't give the old man any more apple juice.

[Guest SisterofJared]

Another true one:

Two missionaries go to Sacrament meetig. They were great buddies who liked to pull tricks on each other. One Elder had a tendency to fall asleep during meetings.

So it is fast Sunday. No sooner does the meeting get started good, and the elder falls asleep. It is a fast Sunday, and testimonies are being borne. The companion nudges the sleeping elder, and whispers, "Hey, Elder, the bishop just called for you to say the closing prayer."

So the sleepy elder stands up, goes to the pulpit and says a benediction.... closing the meeting that had just gotten started. His companion almost falls off of his pew laughing!

No one had wondered what was going on because it was testimony meeting... so having someone stand up and walk to the pulpit was not surprising at all. Only that he closed the meeting.

After it calmed down in the room, the bishop called on someone else to say a new invocation, and testimonies commenced again.

I bet the mission president had something to say about THAT one.... if he could keep his face straight long enough!

Sister of Jared