In need of some clean humor!

[Truegrits]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies,

'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the

barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

[lilered]

Top 10 reasons ~~~SENIORS~~~ should Not trick or treat

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fibre candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your Balance and fall over.

6. People say: 'Great Boris Karloff Mask,' And you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or '.....And can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighbourhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

1. You keep having to go home to potty

[lilered]

For Trade: One 13 year old who knows everything.

Except:

How to cook.

How to clean.

How to manage money.

How to wipe up spilled water.

How to drive.

How to write a check.

How to answer a phone.

How to do math.

How to be polite.

How gas is paid for.

How cell phone bills are paid.

How to work the can opener.

How to sweep, dust or vacuum.

How to make a bed.

How to do laundry.

How dictatorships work.

How to stop talking.

How to get a job.

How important it is to finish high school.

How the world actually works.

She can text. And she can argue. What else does she *possibly* need to

know in life??

I'd like to trade her in. For a puppy.

[pam]

What's your point? They are Government Employees aren't they? That would be an oxymoran to expect them to work too? :D

Hey wait a minute. I was a government worker for 18 years and I worked my rear end off.

[Truegrits]

For Trade: One 13 year old who knows everything.

Except:

How to cook.

How to clean.

How to manage money.

How to wipe up spilled water.

How to drive.

How to write a check.

How to answer a phone.

How to do math.

How to be polite.

How gas is paid for.

How cell phone bills are paid.

How to work the can opener.

How to sweep, dust or vacuum.

How to make a bed.

How to do laundry.

How dictatorships work.

How to stop talking.

How to get a job.

How important it is to finish high school.

How the world actually works.

She can text. And she can argue. What else does she *possibly* need to

know in life??

I'd like to trade her in. For a puppy.

:lol: :lol:

DITTO; just change it to a 15 year old boy!!! And I will definitely take the puppy!

[pam]

How about a 17 year old?

[Truegrits]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, with lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper.

[Truegrits]

A young man, raised in the great state of Texas, had struck out on his own, and finally purchased a ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit and took him on a tour of the property. Driving along in the son’s pickup truck, a jackrabbit hopped onto the road in front of them.

The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, the father queried, "What in tarnation is that!?"

The son incredulously replied, "That’s a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?"

The father shrugged and said, " We grow ’em a lot bigger’n that back home in Texas."

So they went on and a little farther they came to some buffalo roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone, "What are those?"

The son hesitantly said, "Those are buffalo, Dad; you gotta be kidding me. You really don’t recognize them?"

"It’s just that we grow ’em so much bigger back in

Texas."

The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length, they approached a low spot in the road, with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said, "Now what the heck is that thing!?"

The son replied, without missing a beat, "Wood tick!"

[daenvgiell]

well seeing as this is the clean humour section I wont tell you that joke where the man fell in the mud and got all dirty, but I can tell you that he took a bath... now that's clean for you!

[pam]

An office manager seems to have continual problems with his computer. Rather than reading the manual, he calls the company's technicians every time. One afternoon, a technician shows up, clicks a couple buttons and solves the problem.

As she is walking away, the office manager calls after her, "So, what was wrong?"

"It was an ID Ten T error," the technician says. "An ID Ten T Error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

"Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?" the technician asks. "No," says the manager.

"Well, write it down," she says. "You'll figure it out."

After she's left, the manager, still puzzled, scribbles the message on a pad of paper: I D 1 0 T.

- - - - -

[Guest DeborahC]

A three-legged dog walked into a saloon, jumped up on the bar and said, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my Paw!"

nyeck nyeck

How do you know if there's an elephant in your refrigerator?

You can see his footprints in the butter!

--------------------

I hope this is clean enough:

The missionaries were visiting the home of some new investigators.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to their repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, one took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When they returned the following day, they found their card stuck in a different spot in the door. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for a Bible to check out the citation, they broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

[pam]

This little boy was complaining to his friend, "My mom won't let me watch public television anymore!" "Why not?" his friend asked incredulously.

"Because it has too much sax and violins!!"

[Truegrits]

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

I actually LOL, which so startled my cats, they went running...:lol:

[pam]

I actually LOL, which so startled my cats, they went running...:lol:

I have heard that joke many times but it still makes me laugh.

[rameumptom]

well seeing as this is the clean humour section I wont tell you that joke where the man fell in the mud and got all dirty, but I can tell you that he took a bath... now that's clean for you!

Yes, it is clean, but where's the humor????

[Guest DeborahC]

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

[skippy740]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the

stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go

quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to

the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?''Oh, I don't know,' said

the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.'OK, ' she said.

'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,

and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks

about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replied, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss

nuclear power when you don't know [expletive deleted]?

[skippy740]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'

Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

------------------------------------------------------

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $ .38

Saying the right thing, at the right time…

PRICELESS!!!!!

[skippy740]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong on the wall with a mallet hanging underneath it.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his doubting friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering hit and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You idiot ...it's three-fifteen in the morning!'

[skippy740]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am." replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am." replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

[skippy740]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a praise.'

Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.' You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.

[skippy740]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

[skippy740]

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident."

[skippy740]

This one's not a joke. But if you don't feel good after reading this... well just read it. You'll like it.

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid crap and act like a jerk."

"So He sent me."

SEMPER FI

[Pyotr]

Heh, any of John Bytheway's talks (they're in CD form in Deseret Book, I think) have a lot of good clean humor. And you learn things at the same time! It's awesome.