In need of some clean humor!

[Guest Godless]

[hethathathears]

Coronel Sanders went to the Pope many years ago just before his death. He said, "Your Eminence, our Chicken sales are way down. McDonald's sales are going through the roof. Burger King is on the rise. Sir, Kentucky Fried Chicken will pay you $1,000,000 if you will change the wording in the Lord's prayer from give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily Chicken."

Very quickly the Pope came back, "Oh, I am sorry my son, but I cannot change the wording of Holy Rit. I can not."

I understand responded Coronel Sanders. And then he went back to his corporate headquarters.

6 months came and went and Coronel Sanders went back to see the Pope. Again he said, "Your Eminence, KFC will pay the Catholic Church $5,000,000 if you will just change the wording in the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily chicken."

And again the Pope came back, "I am sorry, my son, again, my hands are tied. I cannot change the wording of my Lord and Savor." I understand responded C.S.

Over the next year as KFC numbers began to plumit, again Coronel Sanders came back to the Pope one last time. He humbly knelt before the Pontif and began, "Sir, please, please help us. We will give the Catholic Church a $100,000,000 if you will just do the simple change of the wording in the Lord's pray from "give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope thought about it for a minute and then said, "well, I guess it all comes down to interruption. We'll do it."

The next day the Pope went to the meeting with all the hierarchy of the Catholic Church. He said, "Brethren, I have good new and bad new. The good news is that KFC has just donated $100,000,000 dollars to the Catholic Church. The bad news is, we just lost our Wonder Bread account."

[daenvgiell]

A little boy goes to his father and asks

'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day

you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we

met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother

agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that

neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was

too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a

little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!'

[Fiannan]

When Harry Reid was slected to be the Senate Majority Leader he was pondering how he could lead a party that he was at odds with on almost every issue. That evening the ghost of Richard Nixon appeared to him.

Nixon: "Harry, you want to be an effective leader -- you must do everything I tell you"

Harry: "I'm all ears President Nixon."

Nixon: "You must put aside personal convictions and say and do anything that advances your power. Attack those who question your party leaders, use your position to promote yourself and above all go to Circus Circus and play that old slot machine next to the clown on the first floor."

Harry: "Why that slot machine?"

Nixon: "Very good Harry, I knew you'd ask about the clown...my work is done."

[lilered]

Definitions that should be in the dictionary!

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now

growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:

Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after

they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:

Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

[Elgama]

if you like Dr Who

YouTube - Comic Relief - Catherine Tate & David Tennant

-Charley

[Truegrits]

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

[Truegrits]

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?"

Wife: "In the swimming pool."

[pam]

When Harry Reid was slected to be the Senate Majority Leader he was pondering how he could lead a party that he was at odds with on almost every issue. That evening the ghost of Richard Nixon appeared to him.

Nixon: "Harry, you want to be an effective leader -- you must do everything I tell you"

Harry: "I'm all ears President Nixon."

Nixon: "You must put aside personal convictions and say and do anything that advances your power. Attack those who question your party leaders, use your position to promote yourself and above all go to Circus Circus and play that old slot machine next to the clown on the first floor."

Harry: "Why that slot machine?"

Nixon: "Very good Harry, I knew you'd ask about the clown...my work is done."

Ummmm I don't get it. Could someone explain it to me?

[lilered]

Ummmm I don't get it. Could someone explain it to me?

Me neither and I'm not a blonde.

[applepansy]

I really really think we need a "giggle" button next to the "thanks" button.

applepansy

[skippy740]

Ummmm I don't get it. Could someone explain it to me?

My guess is that since he is now pre-disposed to putting aside personal convictions, doing anything to advance his position of power and promote himself above all else.

Now his only concern was the stupid slot machine.

Putting small things above the things that would mean the most to moral people.

[applepansy]

That's what I was thinking. Especially some days around my house. The power drill stayed in our bedroom for five months after its last use, putting the baby's crib together. The extra pieces of the crib are still there.

My hubby has your hubby beat. . . We have lived in this unfinished house for 13 years. LOL My front room got the third coat of pain just two months ago. The painting supplies are still in there with the plastic on the floor and all the funiture moved out.

LOL Its called "plumber's wife syndrome"

applepansy

[skippy740]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started.

================================================== ==

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes

from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.

================================================== ==

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her

someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....

================================================== ==

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and

I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear

she hasn't been sober since.'

'My Gosh!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

================================================== ==

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the

road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes

you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, which one are you then?'

And then the fight started...

[pam]

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, daddy."

He replied, "How'd you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"

[Truegrits]

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association. It was great."

"Wow! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

[pam]

There were 3 people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. "I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

Finally, the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

[pam]

A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge. "Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in."

The neighbour looked at him quizzically and said, "In?"

[skippy740]

We need a "Groan" button to go with the "Thanks" button!

[pam]

Late one Friday night, two policemen spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later."

And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

[Truegrits]

Hey, skippy...we get a LOL button first, O:K:?!?!

[Truegrits]

While arguing with his daugther on one occasion, the father points out to her that she chose him to be her father before she was born.

To which the 11 year old responds, after a few gestures of disbelief,

"Well I must have been in a hurry!"

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him,is he still wrong?

[Truegrits]

A lady took her pet white duck into the vets surgery. After examining the duck he pronounces, "Your duck is dead."

The woman asked, "Is there any other test you can do to make sure it is definitely dead?"

The vet brought in his pet black Labrador who sniffed the carcass, put its paw on the ducks chest, then walked out of the surgery uninterested.

The vet came in with his ginger tomcat that also sniffed the corpse, put its paw on the ducks chest, meowed, then jumped down from the examination table, bored.

The vet went over to his computer pressed a few keys and handed her his bill.

She looked at it, then asked him with a shocked look on her face; "Your charges are a bit steep aren't they?"

He retorted, "If you'd accepted my first die-agonises my fee would have only been $20.00, but with a lab-report and a cat-scan it came to $120.00"

[lilered]

Love Test -

How to tell if your wife/signifigant other or your dog loves you most?

Lock both in the trunk of your car.

Then, open the trunk and see who is happiest to see you.

[Truegrits]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.'," asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you, I was loadin' my favorite mule Bessie into the ..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was drivin' down the road ..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the highway when this huge semi - truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin', real bad and didn't want to move. But, I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' Now, what would you say?"