In need of some clean humor!

[MarginOfError]

That's what I was thinking. Especially some days around my house. The power drill stayed in our bedroom for five months after its last use, putting the baby's crib together. The extra pieces of the crib are still there.

Boy, your husband sounds like a real loser.

[skippy740]

Here's some good ones for recent market turmoil:

Subject: Stock Market Advice

Normally I avoid discussing any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON. Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

It's a tough market out there. Be careful!

Investment tips for 2008

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse

of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of

America this might be some good advice. For all of you with

any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so

that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG

bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later this year:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush,

and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary,

Fuller, Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Bros ., and Zesta Crackers join

forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota

Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP.

Fairchild Electronic s and Honeywell Com puters will

become: Fairwell Honeychild.

Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants.

Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women

will become: Knott NOW!

Here is some new stock market terminology:

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to

mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no

allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants

as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your

assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears

down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker

for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who

bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked

up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

[Guest Godless]

Some good lightbulb jokes:

How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?

21. 1 to change it, and 20 to speculate about the lightbulb's future.

How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?

127. 4 to debate about the kind of change that is needed, a committee of 20 to determine which of the 4 has the best solution, 100 to protest about something completely unrelated, one to write a book about how conservatives allowed the lightbulb to go out, one to make a documentary about the same thing, and one to change it when no one else is paying attention.

How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

Change? That's just more commie-talk from the radical left.

How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb? (because if you can't laugh at yourself...)

None. There is no empirical data to support the hypothesis that it needs changing.

How many agnostics does it take to change a lightbulb.

None. There is no way of knowing for sure whether or not it needs changing.

How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb.

3. One to change it, and two witnesses.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb.

None, no one can change the bulb but the bulb itself, and it has to want to change.

How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb.

No clue. Many have tried, none have succeeded.

[pam]

Boy, your husband sounds like a real loser.

Boy he sure does doesn't he? Total loser.

[Truegrits]

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we cannot have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is;

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie'

in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

[Hemidakota]

Cartoon: Family History?

From Mormon Life by Arie Van De Graaff

When my siblings and I were young we lived in a town where there was no LDS church. My mother held "church" in our living room to teach her four children the gospel. One Sunday's lesson was on the organization of the church into wards and so on. Posting paper cut out blocks onto a flannel board, she said to us, "Here is a branch. Here is a ward," as she put a second block on top of the first. Placing another block above the others she said, "Here is a stake. Now, what goes on top of the stake?" Excited to know the answer, my four year old sister shouted "Ketchup!" --Tara Bradley - Walla Walla, Washington USA

We had this young man in our ward who had a learn disability. One High Council Sunday my husband get a tap on his shoulder telling him he needed to check his Elders (He was the Elders quorum president at the time) My husband looks around the room and sees Thomas our young man reading the newspaper in Sacrament Meeting. (He had the paper fully open and was turning the pages, and making lots of noise) My husband gets up and walks out of the chapel. On his way out the door he tells the deacon that is standing there to go ask Thomas to meet him in the foyer. When Thomas comes out my husband ask him. What are you doing? He said "reading the paper", My husband told him "You can't read it in the chapel during Sacrament Meeting", Thomas said "Why not, it's boring"-Sue Curcio - West Covina, California, USA

Teaching my young son to pray, one night kneeling by the bed he began saying his prayers. He started very softly, "Heavenly Father", then his voice got softer and I could hardly hear him. Quietly I said, "Michael, I can't hear you." He promptly replied, "I'm not talking to you." --Barbara Axe - Phoenix, Arizona, USA

We were teaching our Primary class about Captain Moroni defeating Zarahemnah and decided to act out how the armies hid themselves. We had two boys in class that day, one Hispanic (Seth) and one Caucasian (Jared). When we told them what we were doing Jared looked at Seth and said, 'I'll be Moroni because I'm white, You can be Zarahemna because he was a lamanite.' I paused to see if this was okay when Seth jumped up and said, 'Okay that's a great idea.' The conversation continued and they discussed how next time Jared would probably be the bad guy because the Nephites weren't always righteous. --Carrie Gross - Orem, Utah, USA

[pam]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do," "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.* "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.* "Did you know that I can cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. Yep," was the calm reply.

And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[Truegrits]

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened!

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

[skippy740]

How many Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb.

3. One to change it, and two witnesses.

And all 3 to be late and 1 to bring the green jello with shredded carrots!

[lilered]

The Gift:

The advertisement read: “Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a Great Gift for the wife”.

Last weekend I saw somethin g at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...........

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pre ssed it agains t a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "No Way"!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...... ;

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dumbie,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .. .

HOLY MOTHER . . Talk about "WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION" .. WHAT Happened!!!

I'm pret ty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,my privates nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative!

THAT HURT BIGTIME!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed=2 088 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I messed myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my private parts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[Truegrits]

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Sometimes I think I understand everything; then I regain consciousness.

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."

Now I've forgotten my address, my keys, even my mother's maiden name; But I have never forgotten to eat!

I know what Victoria's Secret is.

The secret is, that nobody older than 20 can fit into their stuff.

[pam]

A businessman is in a great deal of trouble. He has put everything into his business and it is still failing. He owes everybody. In fact, things have gotten so bad that he contemplates suicide.

As a last resort, he goes to a priest and pours out his story of tears and woe. When he has finished, the priest says, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible. The wind will riffle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer. That will tell you what to do."

A year later, the businessman goes back to the priest and brings his wife and children with him. The man is in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulls an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, and gives it to the priest as a donation as thanks for his advice.

The priest recognizes the benefactor, of course, and is curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asks.

"Absolutely," the businessman replies.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages riffle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

[hethathathears]

When my number 2 son was 5 he lost a tooth. He put it under his pillow hoping for great revenue. Dad left the tooth fairy business up to his wife as he didn't know that his son lost as tooth as he got home at 11:00 P.M. Mom forgot all about the tooth until our 5 year old came in crying the next morning. He lamented, "Oh, the tooth fairy doesn't love me. She didn't leave me any money." To which my wife, quickly grabbed some money and as she pretended to check in the pillow case pulled out a couple of dollars that made my son very happy. Now he knew that the tooth fairy loved him. Later on that day, my son came up to my wife and asked, "Mom, can I put my tooth under my pillow again tonight?" My wife smiled and said, "I'm sorry Chris, but you can't collect twice on the same tooth." To which my son responded, "No not so I can get more money, but so the tooth fairt won't get in trouble for not turning in a tooth." To bad they have to grow up. He is not 18 and not so warm and fuzzy.

[Truegrits]

[Guest Godless]

Redneck Hurricane Survival checklist

Toilet Paper .................... check

7Up ............................check

Bud Light ........................ check

Keystone Ice ................ check

Budweiser .................. check

Red Dog ........................ check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol ............ check

Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on.............. check

http://storage.msn.com/x1pGHpas_o48lm4mA1-eN646L4hEvSrpGv9oCa3Q0DlWukm6yBgcX4wnPp9yXWsDWA_11eVtavHLxYbWYie7uu6F0hNEOF-6OhS5T6L6s1P1z6860REDW90R2SQeaw5Xrcrik-1DU9Pw8dNNdqUdK3qbQ

[lilered]

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer : Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer : Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer : Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer : Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer : You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

[lilered]

Redneck Hurricane Survival checklist

Toilet Paper .................... check

7Up ............................check

Bud Light ........................ check

Keystone Ice ................ check

Budweiser .................. check

Red Dog ........................ check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol ............ check

Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on.............. check

http://storage.msn.com/x1pGHpas_o48lm4mA1-eN646L4hEvSrpGv9oCa3Q0DlWukm6yBgcX4wnPp9yXWsDWA_11eVtavHLxYbWYie7uu6F0hNEOF-6OhS5T6L6s1P1z6860REDW90R2SQeaw5Xrcrik-1DU9Pw8dNNdqUdK3qbQ

My wife and I didn't appreciate you using our picture without our permission. :D

[Truegrits]

In the Hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I have bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news.
After a long period of silence, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence, and explained to the waiting group..."It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

[pam]

There was a priest that loved to stream fish. One year there was a problem. Every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go. Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was perfect. The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon.

The fly-fishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew. An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "You're not going to let him get away with this are you?". God agreed he should do something.

The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout. Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing?" God replied "Think about it, who's he going to tell?"

[Truegrits]

"Think about it, who's he going to tell?"

:lol: :lol:

[Truegrits]

What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't work?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A stick~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why did the Pilgrims' have trouble keeping their pants from falling down?

********Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat!**********

[candyprpl]

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'Impossible!' said the groom broom

'We haven't even swept together!'

[candyprpl]

THE JOKES ON US!!!

I was going to pontificate on several issues today, but I was reminded of something so funny and horrific at the same time, I have decided this is the only message of the day.

What was the reason given for developing the Department of Energy during the Carter administration?

We have spent multi billions of dollars in support of this agency and I am willing to bet not one person who reads this will remember the reason given. It was very simple.

THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY WAS INSTITUTED TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

NOTE: In 2008 the Budget for this department is now at 24.2 billion a year. They have 16,000 federal employees and approximately 100,000 contract employees.

WHAT DO THEY DO ANYWAY!

[MrsHart]

Two men walked into a bar...

...the third one ducked.

[lilered]

THE JOKES ON US!!!

I was going to pontificate on several issues today, but I was reminded of something so funny and horrific at the same time, I have decided this is the only message of the day.

What was the reason given for developing the Department of Energy during the Carter administration?

We have spent multi billions of dollars in support of this agency and I am willing to bet not one person who reads this will remember the reason given. It was very simple.

THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY WAS INSTITUTED TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.

NOTE: In 2008 the Budget for this department is now at 24.2 billion a year. They have 16,000 federal employees and approximately 100,000 contract employees.

WHAT DO THEY DO ANYWAY!

What's your point? They are Government Employees aren't they? That would be an oxymoran to expect them to work too? :D