How can we see thing so differently

[jolee65]

Our youngest daughter is 18 shes a senior in HS our oldest is on her own so its just the three of us . We seem to have this on going problem its like im on one side and there on the other , Amanda has a quick mouth and a short temper at times and im the type of person that doesnt put up with it for very long but she seems to have this way about her that turns it on me that im disrespecting her , well I see it different and begin to ask her to show respect and watch her tone , then my husband chimes in to say thats enough, then we argue I have talked about this with him about how we should be a united front.

It happened again last nite, I was helping her fill out her LDS BS application and was reveiwing a short essay she had to write and as I was reading it I said i dont want to change your story but it needs to flow better when read . She said go ahead but its only a 200 word essay I said I know it just needs to be ajusted but she kept telling me about the 200 word limit and I would say yeah I know you told me , the third time I said Amanda I know im not stupid I got it , and I was annoyed by then but she was playing off my emotions and it went from there .

She went into how im rude and shes tired of arguing with me, I said there was no need to argue I told you everytime you mentioned the 200 word limit I understood and that im doing this for you not me by then she was saying just about anything Im the reason we have so much tention in the house I cant get along with anyone , Im starting to get hurt feelings so I tell her to stop smarting off she continues then I again tell her to knock it off and its getting louder and louder now im getting really upset her dad jumps in and of course tells me to knock it off , its like here we go again the tag team together once again , I said well heres your partner in crime.

she said why do you think that is , I said your both bullies and you can both go out the door, well she finally shut her mouth hes still telling me knock it off, he claims he didnt see anything wrong with what she was saying.

But earilier that day he was trying to explain something to her and she was totally snotty and didnt want to hear it and it showed he just kept talking and didnt even think anything of it , I cant do that I feel as though you should be talking to me like you would talk to a friend im not snotty or rude to her.

We took her to California last summer had her senior pics done in San Diego at Balboa Park stayed with my sister for 10 days and some how she came up with a grip that I treated everyone better then her , WHAT I have no idea what shes talking about , she complains to her dad ,hes feeling bad for her and it starts to affect us , shes talking to Bret on the phone all the time , she had a melt down one morning comes into our room with a frown on her face I said whats wrong she rolls her eyes and walks out , well by then im getting really p%^&*# so I said whats wrong with her , he said she feels your more respectful to others then you are with her, I said tell me what you have seen that tells you that its true , he said thats her feelings I said well it crap and im done hearing it , shes done pouting and spoiling everyones vacation, so I took her cell its time to stop talking to your boyfriend and pouting in the bedroom and making up stories.

We have already been to a counseler, this happened after we started going lol

what do you see other then the parents being played cause thats how I feel im being played by a 18 yr old girl.

Edited December 11, 2008 by jolee65

[Guest tomk]

Time to give her the boot. :)

1) See if there is increased peace once she's gone.

2) She'll learn how good she's got it at home and be a bit more sociable IF you let her come back home.

[jolee65]

We live in Michigan and shes going to Salt Lake for college and thats in September of 09 theres apart of me that cant wait til shes gone to school, I have always had a close relationship with her so this is new since our oldest moved out. But its go to stop and im at my wits end and just need her gone to school .

[KeithLBrown]

I know that if this were me and I acted this way towards my parents when I was growing up, they would have had no problem showing me the door. Their feelings would have been "If you think you are grown and can do it better on your own then go find your own place to stay. Come back when you are ready to act like the adult you claim to be."

I definitely agree that she needs to be put in her place. You are her mother and she owes you respect. Keep in mind however, that respect is always earned. If you are ever disrespectful to her, then expect her to retaliate in whatever way she can.

If it comes to putting her out in order to gain peace in the home, I also counsel to always keep the welcome mat out. I personally think that once she realizes that things are better where she is now, she may just have a whole different attitude. Once again, I counsel to always be there for your daughter no matter what. Never stop loving her, but help her to understand that continuing to be disruptive and disrespectful will not be tolerated in your home.

[jolee65]

LOL wow you hit the nail right on the head thats what i told her act like the adult you claim you are, learn to discuss issues. I dont disrespect her in the way she claims , her boyfriend was over getting his first discussion while waiting his mother called him and she is very controlling with him and didnt like the fact he didnt have them (discussions) at there home and I could understand that but my daughter thought she had the right to say disrespectful things about his mom because he was doing it , I stopped her right there and said dont you say mean things about his mom thats between them not you, she did listen and stopped talking , about that anyway.

She has went to a friends house and stayed with her and it was nice we didnt have the problems we had with her here , shes gone to school soon enough but im standing strong and keeping my foot down and expecting respect weather shes in the mood or not.

[Truegrits]

then we argue I have talked about this with him about how we should be a united front.

My husband and I are dealing with a 15 year old son that is pretty much pushing the envelope as far as he can. After the first few bouts, we decided that we had to be on the same page, or it just spiraled out of control. So we will stand together during the "outburst", then later (alone) we will discuss our individual feelings, and how we will handle it the next time; what punishment or restrictions we will impose, etc.

That has worked for us...he pretty much will run out of steam when it is two against one.

[jolee65]

LOL,....my husband and I are so different when it comes to dealing with teen problems , he doesnt deal with it I do and so when I get up on my hind legs about a unexceptable behavior its always me against then, she will even get involved if my husband and myself have a disagreement and she has to be told to stay out of it usually by me and he comes to her defence lol I cant win.

[rameumptom]

the Love and Logic series of books and tapes has a book on dealing with teenager arguments.

It suggests that you don't argue. Instead choose one or two lines that you keep repeating when they attempt to argue. Eventually, they will tire and give up on the argument.

Here's some sample statements:

I love you too much to argue with you.

When your voice is as low as mine, I will be glad to speak with you.

That is very sad for you.

These statements keep you calm, and gives them no route for successfully creating a family explosion. Eventually, they will learn to deal better, or give up on their attempts.

[jolee65]

She tryed to argue when she got home from school today and I just said im done arguing she kept going i said im done arguing..........lol she sat down

[rameumptom]

Glad it worked. Teenagers have no comeback to someone who repeats the same line, and doesn't give them any arguing room.

[Islander]

When my son keep asking me the same question (permission to do something usually) I reply:

"You asked me already twice and I said no. What make you think I will change my mind?" That is the end for sure.

[jolee65]

She seems to get up tight when issues come up that require a discussion of that issue , I did ask her why she has a problem discussing things instead of getting all up tight and wants to argue, she didnt have a answer.

[lilered]

Most kids know what is and what is not acceptable behavior. Some just choose to push the line for a myriad of reasons that may be because of wanting attention, hidden agendas, etc. My counsel would be to try to stay calm and in control of yourself. As suggested earlier, use as few words as possible but above all, do not get sucked into an arguement. Finally, it is your house, you make the rules. Just keep them simple and not to many. Be united in purpose with your spouse. Let her make the choices and excersise her agency, but if she chooses wrong, she needs to learn there are consequences. Some of which are not fun or pleasant. Often times it helps to simply tell them you love them and then show it by giving them a hug. Just don't back them in a corner or give them a sense of hopelessness or that they can]t ever return.

[bert10]

At 18 ....I'm thinking you missed the boat with that child of yours a long time ago. Parenting mistakes with our children will end up coming to bite us later on in life.

She is now 18 and the game is nearly over. Society and life will have to correct her deficiencies.

-----------------------------------

Respect....

To get respect one must first give it. The example that you used, it was her essay...you told her once that her essay needed to flow better. That should have been it. The rest was up to her. If she had decided to not do anything to it..... not your problem.

Give respect to your child who is an adult and demand respect from her in turn. When it is lacking...or you are seeing a situation that is leading to another fight...cease whatever you are doing with her and do something else, or go out and find something else to do.

If you give advice give it once. Twice if it is very serious subject. And then let her reap the consequences of her decisions. That is about the only course of action that you have at this time.

In time, she will learn to respect your wisdom and decisions if they were wise and hers wrong.

Also on your part....do not yell....ever. Peace should reign in the home. Refuse to get angry. Remember....No one can make you angry....getting angry is sure to drive the Holy GHost out and let Satan in.

These things will help break the cycle with your dauther.

Next...Learn to praise and thank GOD for first yours and then her faults. Often ask GOD for help in awakening you and your daughter to what is happening. Then once the UNDERLYING problem(s) is laid bare...one can do something about it with the help of GOD.

Peace be unto you

bert10

Our youngest daughter is 18 shes a senior in HS our oldest is on her own so its just the three of us . We seem to have this on going problem its like im on one side and there on the other , Amanda has a quick mouth and a short temper at times and im the type of person that doesnt put up with it for very long but she seems to have this way about her that turns it on me that im disrespecting her , well I see it different and begin to ask her to show respect and watch her tone , then my husband chimes in to say thats enough, then we argue I have talked about this with him about how we should be a united front.

It happened again last nite, I was helping her fill out her LDS BS application and was reveiwing a short essay she had to write and as I was reading it I said i dont want to change your story but it needs to flow better when read . She said go ahead but its only a 200 word essay I said I know it just needs to be ajusted but she kept telling me about the 200 word limit and I would say yeah I know you told me , the third time I said Amanda I know im not stupid I got it , and I was annoyed by then but she was playing off my emotions and it went from there .

She went into how im rude and shes tired of arguing with me, I said there was no need to argue I told you everytime you mentioned the 200 word limit I understood and that im doing this for you not me by then she was saying just about anything Im the reason we have so much tention in the house I cant get along with anyone , Im starting to get hurt feelings so I tell her to stop smarting off she continues then I again tell her to knock it off and its getting louder and louder now im getting really upset her dad jumps in and of course tells me to knock it off , its like here we go again the tag team together once again , I said well heres your partner in crime.

she said why do you think that is , I said your both bullies and you can both go out the door, well she finally shut her mouth hes still telling me knock it off, he claims he didnt see anything wrong with what she was saying.

But earilier that day he was trying to explain something to her and she was totally snotty and didnt want to hear it and it showed he just kept talking and didnt even think anything of it , I cant do that I feel as though you should be talking to me like you would talk to a friend im not snotty or rude to her.

We took her to California last summer had her senior pics done in San Diego at Balboa Park stayed with my sister for 10 days and some how she came up with a grip that I treated everyone better then her , WHAT I have no idea what shes talking about , she complains to her dad ,hes feeling bad for her and it starts to affect us , shes talking to Bret on the phone all the time , she had a melt down one morning comes into our room with a frown on her face I said whats wrong she rolls her eyes and walks out , well by then im getting really p%^&*# so I said whats wrong with her , he said she feels your more respectful to others then you are with her, I said tell me what you have seen that tells you that its true , he said thats her feelings I said well it crap and im done hearing it , shes done pouting and spoiling everyones vacation, so I took her cell its time to stop talking to your boyfriend and pouting in the bedroom and making up stories.

We have already been to a counseler, this happened after we started going lol

what do you see other then the parents being played cause thats how I feel im being played by a 18 yr old girl.

[teddyk]

rameumptom's suggestion is a good one, my granmother used that system on me,a half century ago, I learned to be still an listen, I went thru a period 16-18, where I thought I knew it all, and **I loved the drama of proving it**, like ram... an my grandmother, I just slowly got it in my head that , yes I've learned a lot, but my older adults had wisdom, aswell.

Don't give up, get them tapes ram....metioned, good stuff.

[jolee65]

At 18 ....I'm thinking you missed the boat with that child of yours a long time ago. Parenting mistakes with our children will end up coming to bite us later on in life.

She is now 18 and the game is nearly over. Society and life will have to correct her deficiencies.

-----------------------------------

Respect....

To get respect one must first give it. The example that you used, it was her essay...you told her once that her essay needed to flow better. That should have been it. The rest was up to her. If she had decided to not do anything to it..... not your problem.

Give respect to your child who is an adult and demand respect from her in turn. When it is lacking...or you are seeing a situation that is leading to another fight...cease whatever you are doing with her and do something else, or go out and find something else to do.

If you give advice give it once. Twice if it is very serious subject. And then let her reap the consequences of her decisions. That is about the only course of action that you have at this time.

In time, she will learn to respect your wisdom and decisions if they were wise and hers wrong.

Also on your part....do not yell....ever. Peace should reign in the home. Refuse to get angry. Remember....No one can make you angry....getting angry is sure to drive the Holy GHost out and let Satan in.

These things will help break the cycle with your dauther.

Next...Learn to praise and thank GOD for first yours and then her faults. Often ask GOD for help in awakening you and your daughter to what is happening. Then once the UNDERLYING problem(s) is laid bare...one can do something about it with the help of GOD.

Peace be unto you

bert10

Back up there she is mouthing off not doing drugs and drinking she pushing and shes been squashed its been under control but thanks anyway.

[teddyk]

You got a handle on why she is arguing, like ram...said just don't respond in kind, keep a *cool* head, she loves the drama of proving she is cooler, smarter, and all grown up.

Just be cool hand jolee, teenagers or in a peer group, where the cool ones get respect.

My Granmother had that cool headed, approach to me, I could not rattle her, I realized, she either got cool suddenly, or I just noticed it...then I listen to her, sought her out at every turn.

ram... is on to something, it works:) you'll get her respect, because the fact your searching here, after you get you method going, you'll get her respect.

[KristofferUmfrey]

Our youngest daughter is 18 shes a senior in HS our oldest is on her own so its just the three of us . We seem to have this on going problem its like im on one side and there on the other , Amanda has a quick mouth and a short temper at times and im the type of person that doesnt put up with it for very long but she seems to have this way about her that turns it on me that im disrespecting her , well I see it different and begin to ask her to show respect and watch her tone , then my husband chimes in to say thats enough, then we argue I have talked about this with him about how we should be a united front.

It happened again last nite, I was helping her fill out her LDS BS application and was reveiwing a short essay she had to write and as I was reading it I said i dont want to change your story but it needs to flow better when read . She said go ahead but its only a 200 word essay I said I know it just needs to be ajusted but she kept telling me about the 200 word limit and I would say yeah I know you told me , the third time I said Amanda I know im not stupid I got it , and I was annoyed by then but she was playing off my emotions and it went from there .

She went into how im rude and shes tired of arguing with me, I said there was no need to argue I told you everytime you mentioned the 200 word limit I understood and that im doing this for you not me by then she was saying just about anything Im the reason we have so much tention in the house I cant get along with anyone , Im starting to get hurt feelings so I tell her to stop smarting off she continues then I again tell her to knock it off and its getting louder and louder now im getting really upset her dad jumps in and of course tells me to knock it off , its like here we go again the tag team together once again , I said well heres your partner in crime.

she said why do you think that is , I said your both bullies and you can both go out the door, well she finally shut her mouth hes still telling me knock it off, he claims he didnt see anything wrong with what she was saying.

But earilier that day he was trying to explain something to her and she was totally snotty and didnt want to hear it and it showed he just kept talking and didnt even think anything of it , I cant do that I feel as though you should be talking to me like you would talk to a friend im not snotty or rude to her.

We took her to California last summer had her senior pics done in San Diego at Balboa Park stayed with my sister for 10 days and some how she came up with a grip that I treated everyone better then her , WHAT I have no idea what shes talking about , she complains to her dad ,hes feeling bad for her and it starts to affect us , shes talking to Bret on the phone all the time , she had a melt down one morning comes into our room with a frown on her face I said whats wrong she rolls her eyes and walks out , well by then im getting really p%^&*# so I said whats wrong with her , he said she feels your more respectful to others then you are with her, I said tell me what you have seen that tells you that its true , he said thats her feelings I said well it crap and im done hearing it , shes done pouting and spoiling everyones vacation, so I took her cell its time to stop talking to your boyfriend and pouting in the bedroom and making up stories.

We have already been to a counseler, this happened after we started going lol

what do you see other then the parents being played cause thats how I feel im being played by a 18 yr old girl.

Dr. Kevin Leman Books & Videos On Raising Kids & Parenting Advice : Dr. Kevin Leman Books & DVD's

Might use his techniques on your hubby too.

Edit: Oops. the specific book of his I'm referring to is "Have a New Kid by Friday"

[bert10]

Jolee65 - Mouthing off to one's parent is as deadly as doing drugs. Here is what GOD has to say about this....If one wish their children to live only upon the land one must teach them to honour their parents.

Exodus 20:12 - Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

There could be mitigating circumstances which GOD would take in consideration.... if Parents themselves have failed with their children.

Peace be unto you

bert10

Back up there she is mouthing off not doing drugs and drinking she pushing and shes been squashed its been under control but thanks anyway.

[jolee65]

I had a long talk with my husband about flipping sides and that we needed to stand together no matter what and if we disagree then we discuss it in private, we have put the plan to the test and he now sees it was creating a big problem, she back talks alot less because she can see we are both on the same side and in a way I think thats what she needed or even wanted because she backs down really fast , kind of like ok this how it should be , its brought my husband and I closer we show more respect for one another, its going really good , she does care about how or what we think and feel I know that for sure.

[FunkyTown]

LOL,....my husband and I are so different when it comes to dealing with teen problems , he doesnt deal with it I do and so when I get up on my hind legs about a unexceptable behavior its always me against then, she will even get involved if my husband and myself have a disagreement and she has to be told to stay out of it usually by me and he comes to her defence lol I cant win.

Hi Jolee,

I'm hearing a slightly different version of events than other people. You say this problem only seems to be taking place since your oldest has gone. You say that your husband takes her side and you have referred to it as two against one.

Have you considered that, maybe, a part of the issue is that you're starting to go through Empty Nest syndrome? A lot of mothers become short tempered with the children they've started to raise. Have you considered that you may be a tad more irritable now and it might be that she has legitimate grievances?

I'm not saying it's black and white, but you might want to consider if perhaps you have changed a bit since your oldest left. Many do.

[jolee65]

I was still being mom and he didnt want to parent her anymore but to be her friend and he had mentioned to me a couple times shes going to school soon and she going to 1500 miles away and he usually would mention that when she wanted to argue when you gave your answer and she didnt agree.

[Hemidakota]

Even if she is 1500-miles away, you are not responsible for her mistakes and chosen paths. As a parent, you can only do so much for them and allow them the agency for themselves to choose their course of life. My wife suffered this in the last couple of years as she struggles with her views of the children. It was only the last couple pf months she began to listen to me about their agency and choices. We can be an example and teach what is necessary but still dependent on the Spirit to help them to achieve a true self-own testimony. It is done when they come home and admit their mistakes in not listening as we do, when we admit our own weaknesses to GOD. Be patience and show love but do not be divided as a couple.

[jolee65]

We read scripture 2-3 times a week at home and that has help a great deal shes show respect and understanding, not so willing to run out the door when ever a friend calls and doesnt bark back when told its late and the weathers bad.

we do have a problem with getting her to do anything around the house, on Christmas neither one of my girls would cleanup after I cooked for two days for 7 people. I told them there getting money for Christmas this year and that they wont get it until the kitchen is cleaned after dinner, thats so hard to admit to but there spoiled and ungrateful most of the time.

[rameumptom]

My Dad was an alcoholic for decades. My grandparents continually had him in their prayers. I actually joined the Church through some friends of mine, as I had no clue what Mormons believed. Once he turned 50, he looked back at his life with regret, and turned it completely around. He died 8 years later as an active, temple going, Mormon.

As parents, we do what we can, and leave the rest in God's hands. Remember, they (we) are all God's children as well, and He is even more interested in our eternal salvation than we ever could be.