I dont know how to feel about this

[jolee65]

you said she had a slow thyroid, means physically her life can be similar to mine with Fibromylagia. Some days i just can't physically be bothered with my appearance, just functioning is the best I can do. Today I am sat in my PJs because I am ill and have no coped at all, those days are fewer now but they still happen.

ButYouDontLookSick.com : The Spoon Theory

this website has information on underactive thyroid, and the spoon theory may give you an idea of her day, it may also be part of why she is moody. Maybe her grandparents allow her to be herself, and the crummy foggy feeling she battles through everyday is easier without the pressure. If he has a mental illness there may even be some level of understanding

I just know my life with people around me got a heck of a lot more understanding since everyone caught this current flu bug and I was able to tell em for me its well within the realms of a normal day, a day when I function, even my husband has apologised because he realised I got up and did the dishwasher, laundry, dressed the kids, fetched them breakfast before collapsing whereas he could even get up.

-charley

I have Graves Diesase I dont have a thyroid I know exactly how it feels and yes you can feel tired and no she doesnt have pain, she moves just fine, shes up half the nite and sleeps late during the day. Yeah they show understanding to the point of no ambition that they share with her. They dont want her to go to school but to just get a job it might take her away from them if she got a life outside of the small world they live in.

[Elgama]

I have Graves Diesase I dont have a thyroid I know exactly how it feels and yes you can feel tired and no she doesnt have pain, she moves just fine, shes up half the nite and sleeps late during the day. Yeah they show understanding to the point of no ambition that they share with her. They dont want her to go to school but to just get a job it might take her away from them if she got a life outside of the small world they live in.

I never mentioned pain, when i am just in pain getting through the day is a doddle, its the fatigue that prevents movement. How does her illness affect her? could it be its contributing to a depression?

does she want to go to school? I didn't stupidly listened to my Mother's pushing and went, I was much happier working. And I can understand the up half the night and sleeping late, I find with my illness the fatigue lightens during the day, but going to sleep and sleeping all night makes me feel worse again. I have to be more normal now because I have children but when i first got ill I would have happily gone nocturnal as my best time physically was from 10pm-3am

-Charley

Edited January 30, 2009 by Elgama

[jolee65]

Rereading my post I didnt mean to sound so mean , im upset and it comes off as anger. She could be depressed thats common with hypothyroid. When I discussed it with her I wasnt mean upset or pushy I approached her with love.

Her way of reacting has turned it into this.

The thing about the church clothes wasnt judgement, we went to church she wore a shirt that was mine about 8-9 yrs ago and it was to small and to short. but she spent 175.00 a piece on brittney Spears tickets, I thought getting a couple new church shirts and tops would have been a good idea.

[Elgama]

Rereading my post I didnt mean to sound so mean , im upset and it comes off as anger. She could be depressed thats common with hypothyroid. When I discussed it with her I wasnt mean upset or pushy I approached her with love.

Her way of reacting has turned it into this.

The thing about the church clothes wasnt judgement, we went to church she wore a shirt that was mine about 8-9 yrs ago and it was to small and to short. but she spent 175.00 a piece on brittney Spears tickets, I thought getting a couple new church shirts and tops would have been a good idea.

Could be going shopping for clothes gets her down, my illness put on 28lbs in 2 months on me, and it was a long time before I could face trying on clothes, and accepting my weight and therefore dressing nicely. I am immensely confident about my looks always have been but having weight I could not shift took time to adjust to, I am the same weight now and think I am gorgeous again. Not everyone has my confidence to start off with.

This isn;t meant to be rude or nasty but if you came across to her like you did in your intial post to her it may explain her attitude, not saying you intended anything but love when you speak to her, but she may not have seen that.

There is a fabulous book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, How to Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I know she is 20 but there is a lot of common sense in the book about how people feel when we talk to them even if it was never your intention she should feel that way.

-Charley

[Sequoia]

Well now that shes on her own, it upsets me that she has taken after them in so many way, there very simple people, nice but very unkept in alot of ways. Im not referring to clothes but bathing.

We invited them to church last Sunday my daughter and my in-laws they met us at the church, she bearly combed her hair her clothes it was bad, she can afford church clothes but doesnt buy any.

She came over tonite it was her dads birthday, she didnt shower and was hard to get along with....

See hes mentally disabled and my mother in law is a nice person but im the daughter in law so, she doesnt get to close, lol.

Sara has been the child they never had, my husband isnt his son.

I can't help but wonder if his mental disability might have been passed down to her. I know this is a stretch, and ignore it if I'm totally off, but sometimes issues of cleanliness go with mental disabilities. I think you know that all four of my kids are on the Autism spectrum. It isn't that they don't bathe, but it isn't the same priority for them as most people. It was something I had to remind them of (as though they were toddlers) into their teens. If they get behind in schoolwork or something, they still will omit bathing if I don't watch them.

I also know that it is fairly common for some regular kids to behave this way around 12 yo, before they care for the opposite sex. So, I took it that my kids were just slow in this area.

Progress has been made here, but I'm just wondering if it's possible that your father and daughter may have Asperger's or some other mental illness that makes them so unresponsive and difficult. It can be very difficult to see others' perspectives if they do.

I could be off, but I do see a similarity somewhat.

What I did with the clothes shopping, when my kids refused to go shopping, was just buy clothes/shoes without them and place it in their room. I don't know if that will help, but without saying a word, they'd wear them. If I bought a complete outfit (dress, stockings, shoes, headband, earrings) they'd wear it all together and look nice....well, the girls did. :)

Edited January 31, 2009 by Sequoia

[jolee65]

My first post i was pretty upset my in laws just left and sara did also, I get a real bitter taste in my mouth when another woman trys to act like there the mother to my daughter.

I havent said anything about her weight I have Graves Disease and had a partial hystrectomy, I know about weight gain, I dont talk to her about weight and she said she lost 10lbs since her last appt with her specialist. She sees me try to get my weight under control and ive had some luck with a low glycemic diet, with thyroid disorders carbs cravings are very common and this type of diet helps the sugar flexuation problems.

The grampa is a step father to my husband, no chance of anything there but she does have a short attention span lol that she will even tell you.

I think your right im just going to buy her some skirts and tops , when I suggested to her about getting a couple things for church she starts to insult my church clothes its bad when talking to her about anything like that, and to clear the air no she didnt and hasnt had to deal with this all her life its been something thats just come up and, she doesnt like to discuss it apparently.

Edited January 30, 2009 by jolee65
spelling

[Dove]

Hi Jolee,

I'm not sure what your daughter's circumstances are with her disability mentally. But, I feel I may be seeing some of your issues....so, I am writing to show them to you...which I hope to do in kindness and friendship. Maybe together we can come to a solution......By the way, thank you for your kind response to my last thread.

It seems you have a lot of issues with your in-laws. Don't worry, I do with mine as well, LOL. I laugh, because otherwise, I could cry. It's awful. So, already you are in bitterness and pain about them. Then they take your daughter away from you, and may even be putting you down as a parent to your daughter(I believe you said in a prior post they were). Worse still, not only is your daughter becoming the very things your in-laws are that you so dislike, your daughter is joining with them in their outright rejection of you....What an awful, knife in the back, fiery poker in the back and turning that poker experience. How painful that would be!! Perhaps there are feelings of betrayal, disloyalty, losing your daughter to their awfulness, having to compete with them for your daughters affections feelings all going on here. This would truly be a difficult burden to have to carry.....

I know you love your daughter. That's not the issue here. What is the issue is turning unto Christ for your answers in dealing with this, IMHO....Basically, your daughter is an adult now. Follow the rules of etiquette in dealing with an adult...respect her agency. Don't give advice that's not asked for.....But, don't giver her money or support her financially either. She's an adult, treat her as one.....If she wants to buy Britney Spears tickets, that's her choice. If you want to give her a gift sometime, maybe a nice dress will do. But, honor her agency now.

Love yourself through all this. You did a great job as a mother. This is not your fault. If she is not seeking your help, don't offer it. Let her come to you, don't go to her in things of a personal nature. They are no longer your business, unless she makes them your business.....

What can you do for you right now? A priesthood blessing? Counsel with your bishop/home teachers? A long hot bath or day at the spa? What can you do to make yourself feel good for all those years you spent loving this young woman? Treat yourself in gratitude for being such a wonderful mother. You deserve it. Leave her and your in laws be now, if this is what they want. Honor their agency. It's what the Saviour would do...

[georgia2]

YEah, i read through most of these replies and I agree with Dove.

Once they are grown, they look on your concern over them as controlling or insulting. I think you were a wonderful mother in letting her be with them so much when she was younger. I mean, you respected her free agency then. The hard thing is to give her her free agency now without feeling bad for her decisions. I know it is heart breaking. I have a daughter who has gone contrary to what she was taught. It has taken me YEARS to be able to live without it eating my heart out! When trying to help she gets angry. You need to be happy she came to church at all. You have to distance yourself as her mother and treat her as a daughter of God. Love her and treat her as you would a young woman who is just now coming to church and you have no expectations. You have to also release the feelings of guilt and shame as her mom. I know it's hard but she will only change when she wants to. She will only accept help when she wants it. Even if she is sick, you can only do so much.

Sometimes someone else can get through when mom can't . Contact the singles ward in your area and ask someone in the Relief Society to visit and invite her to the singles ward and activities. Possibly peer acceptance would be a motivating factor.

[jolee65]

Thank You, both for your replys Dove & Georgia2 and everyone else, Thank you for all your replys.

Im not sure how it got confused maybe mentioning my father in laws mental disablity, Sara is whole in every sence of the word , theres no mental disablity with her. I know sometimes people dont read all the post but thats ok I dont always either unless I start the thread .

Your both right I do have to respect her as an adult usually I do, its going in public looking unkept its just not something we did raising the girls . we didnt have the best of everything but we were clean.

She wont respond to her dads texts , calls or anything, I suggested backing off. Our family always gets together to watch the super bowl and I dont even watch football but because the girls seemed to like doing that as a family I jumped on board and plan the food and everything ,Sara was supposed to come over and dads really upset shes not coming now.

I told my husband yesterday I cant get involved with his parents anymore its just to hard to deal with all the baggage, its just to difficult to manage all those emotions, he wasnt to happy but understood.