jolee65 Posted January 30, 2009 Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 My oldest daughter shes 20 lives on her own, but its in a small house behind her grandparents. She has had a long time relationship with them since the day she was born, its like I had a child for them. Growing up she had to spend times with them every weekend, and during the summer she had to spend weeks at a time, when ever I would insist on her spending time with friends instead of them she would be impossible to deal with. Well now that shes on her own, it upsets me that she has taken after them in so many way, there very simple people, nice but very unkept in alot of ways. Im not referring to clothes but bathing. We invited them to church last Sunday my daughter and my in-laws they met us at the church, she bearly combed her hair her clothes it was bad, she can afford church clothes but doesnt buy any. I get up set not compassionate and thats not good, because it can come off like judgement. Everyone wants the best for there kids and she isnt doing her best , ive seen her at her best and she doesnt shower like she should, I didnt want to talk to her but I wanted her to go to church with us but not like that. When we took her home I brought up her getting church clothes and shoes, I even offered to go shopping with her in a bigger city, she didnt seem interested. She came over tonite it was her dads birthday, she didnt shower and was hard to get along with , her grandmother thinks sara is her daughter and when we're all together she likes to act as if she has something to say about our discussions, and thats because sara crys to her about family issues. But it all boils down to I dont like her not taking care of herself and it shows , I try to say something to her and she is totally offended, it just seems to come down to being to much like the in-laws and im very sensitive about the whole issue. Thats not who she is but you are who you hang around. I dont know what to think or how to feel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted January 30, 2009 Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 You are thinking something for sure... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Book_of_Mormon_Warrior Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 · Hidden Hidden My oldest daughter shes 20 lives on her own, but its in a small house behind her grandparents. She has had a long time relationship with them since the day she was born, its like I had a child for them. Growing up she had to spend times with them every weekend, and during the summer she had to spend weeks at a time, when ever I would insist on her spending time with friends instead of them she would be impossible to deal with.Well now that shes on her own, it upsets me that she has taken after them in so many way, there very simple people, nice but very unkept in alot of ways. Im not referring to clothes but bathing.We invited them to church last Sunday my daughter and my in-laws they met us at the church, she bearly combed her hair her clothes it was bad, she can afford church clothes but doesnt buy any. I get up set not compassionate and thats not good, because it can come off like judgement. Everyone wants the best for there kids and she isnt doing her best , ive seen her at her best and she doesnt shower like she should, I didnt want to talk to her but I wanted her to go to church with us but not like that. When we took her home I brought up her getting church clothes and shoes, I even offered to go shopping with her in a bigger city, she didnt seem interested.She came over tonite it was her dads birthday, she didnt shower and was hard to get along with , her grandmother thinks sara is her daughter and when we're all together she likes to act as if she has something to say about our discussions, and thats because sara crys to her about family issues.But it all boils down to I dont like her not taking care of herself and it shows , I try to say something to her and she is totally offended, it just seems to come down to being to much like the in-laws and im very sensitive about the whole issue. Thats not who she is but you are who you hang around.I dont know what to think or how to feel.Why not try just loving her, instead of worrying about what she wears to church or that she gets along with her grandparents better then you?Sounds like you are jealous of their relationship and more then a little snobbish.My 2 Cents. Link to comment
jolee65 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 Wanting my daughter to shower is snobbish. im getting the feeling ur both men. unconditional love is a hair lip or acne , this is something you can control. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john doe Posted January 30, 2009 Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 Well, she is an adult. I don't know if there's anything at this point that you can do if she doesn't see a need to change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Book_of_Mormon_Warrior Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 · Hidden Hidden Wanting my daughter to shower is snobbish. im getting the feeling ur both men.unconditional love is a hair lip or acne , this is something you can control.Is she a kind, decent person? Link to comment
jolee65 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 It didnt get like this until she moved on her own, now she lives just like them, they are her only influence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 Is she a kind, decent person?LOL,.not even close. shes moody , snottie and hard to get along with. You have to think twice about what you say to her because it can be an argument in a flash.She got along with the inlaws so well because she could run the house and at home she couldnt , it was saras world over there, even her sister stopped going over because she ran everything and they never told her different . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenamarie Posted January 30, 2009 Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 I have to agree with "the men" that you seem to be making a bigger deal out of this than needs to be, going off what you've shared here. Unconditional love *absolutely* includes things that a person can control. I can't imagine anything my child could chose to do that would cause me to stop loving her. Just love her, try to be an example, and pray that she eventually comes to the realization that hygeine is important. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 (edited) Who said I stopped loving her, Im so upset right now I cant stop crying , shes my daughter and Ive lost her to these people. My husband admitts they dont take care of themselves, I DONT want my daughter like that whats so hard to understand here. I love her thats why I care. Go to my post thats when she still lived at home shes the one with the brite blue eyes, she doesnt look like that anymore. Its like what happend. anyone would be upset. Edited January 30, 2009 by jolee65 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maxel Posted January 30, 2009 Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 (edited) I don't mean to pick sides, but it seems you wouldn't come and ask help on how to help your daughter with this problem if you didn't truly love her. I get the feeling that you care very deeply about your daughter, and her poor decision is affecting you terribly. It's not snobbish to want your children to practice good personal hygiene. My father doesn't, and it actually makes a distinct impression on his life. Taking care of our bodies is an edict handed down by God, and your concern over her disregarding this commandment is valid and healthy. Personal hygiene is also a very sensitive issue; it is connected to our deepset emotions of self-esteem and self-image. It may sound rote, but possibly the best thing you could do is pray for guidance and proceed from there. To effectively communicate with her on this issue, you'll need the help of the spirit. Have you tried praying with her and seeing if she opens up her spirit to Heavenly Father? If she does, and she ponders her decisions about her personal hygiene, she will know she needs to take better care of herself. If she is open and still refuses to clean up, then there's nothing you can do about it, and you might have to go back to praying and supporting her from the sidelines. As for her strong attachment to her grandparents... That could be a serious issue, or it might not be. I think the severity of the issue is related to how much of an influence they have over her, and whether that influence is ultimately for good or bad. Obviously the poor personal hygiene is a negative influence, but are there other, positive influences that might outweigh it? For example, are they members of the Church in good standing? Do they practice a mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy lifestyle? Edited January 30, 2009 by Maxel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 Thank You so much for supporting me, I needed it, really I do. Her health is very important to me and yes I do see this as a self esteem issue and that worries me also, she has gained a little weight about 20lbs she we told she has a slow thyroid and I know that has everything to do with it , so I dont bring that up its a medical issue and cant be helped. Praying with her wouldnt happen she doesnt see anything wrong with her hygiene. But your right I should on my own. Her relationship with them isnt healthy they feed off each other she complains about well something like this , he tells her im a bad mom, im assuming, hes said it to my mother in law when I was on the phone with her once. See hes mentally disabled and my mother in law is a nice person but im the daughter in law so, she doesnt get to close, lol. Sara has been the child they never had, my husband isnt his son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Book_of_Mormon_Warrior Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 · Hidden Hidden Nobody was implying you don't love your daughter, only that you seem overly sensitive about appearances. Is it possible she feels she has never lived up to your expectations, and so now that she is out of the house she has quit trying? Link to comment
jolee65 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 (edited) Nobody was implying you don't love your daughter, only that you seem overly sensitive about appearances. Is it possible she feels she has never lived up to your expectations, and so now that she is out of the house she has quit trying?I see is it ok if I ask you to not reply to this post, I would be greatful. Showering isnt an expectation its a requirment. Edited January 30, 2009 by jolee65 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Book_of_Mormon_Warrior Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 · Hidden Hidden If you don't want to ask yourself the tough questions, that's fine. I will disengage. Link to comment
Jenamarie Posted January 30, 2009 Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 I'm sorry if my original post implied that you don't love her. That was not my intention. You DO however seem to be allowing your judgement of her actions (that they're wrong/inapproriate/disappointing) to effect your relationship with her. I can understand not being happy with your daughter's choices, but if she senses that you're judging her actions and treating her differently because of them, then she may interpret it as you not loving her as much, or putting conditions on your love and acceptance of her, and that will only exasperate the problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 I agree with you it has come to that , she feels as if im judging her instead of feeling concerned about her self worth and health. She reacts in such a way that she makes me feel like I have to explain when I say it in away that would appear less judgemental but more concern and love, and then she picks every word apart then its a argument between what she thinks im saying and what I am saying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruthiechan Posted January 30, 2009 Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 I see is it ok if I ask you to not reply to this post, I would be greatful. Showering isnt an expectation its a requirment.But one you can no longer force upon her. Badgering her about it won't help.I understand that you are worried about her, and I agree that your in laws are being a bad influence. I do not know what's going on in your daughter's head. Maybe she likes the doting and bistaches to them to continue getting the sympathy and whatever else it is your in laws give her. Maybe she's seeing how far she can go with getting away with things on her own that she never was able to get away with before. Maybe she does have self esteem issues, but if that's the case then she needs to feel loved and supported in all her righteous doings. People with self esteem issues do NOT need to simply feel better about themselves. They need a GOAL, something greater, something outside of themselves that they can reach for, to work towards. What is your daughter doing with herself? Is she really living on her own? Or are your in laws paying for everything? Does she work? Does she go to school? What does she want to do with her life? What skills does she want to acquire?My suggestion is to stop focusing on her appearance and start focusing on life goals. Help her find her passion. And of course, in doing so, take it up to the Lord and see what He has to say about how to go about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 Well this has been an issue only for a short time not long at all, yes she does live on her own shes a nanny for two children and she pays her own bills. She moved to her grandparents in her senior yr and wasnt going to graduate her grandpa didnt want to take her to school during the winter, so she feel behind they even took her to the police station to see if I could do anything about her moving out. lol this is what im dealing with. She is depending on her boyfriend shes engaged to , to support her and there kids and he doesnt have a college education either. but the grandparents are really excited for her. should i tell you how we feel , she doesnt even know so, i'll keep that as a surprise for later. Theres alot of things im upset about this is a cover for all the rest that gos along with it. See my youngest daughter is going to LDS Business School this fall and we wanted to send her also , she wanted to go to Idaho but that was before she moved in her senior yr , now the grandparents show disappoval of Amanda going that far from home. Its a long story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dove Posted January 30, 2009 Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 I'm wondering if you've had a heart to heart with your daughter about your concerns/feelings/worries/loves/hopes/dreams for her recently? That's the sense I'm getting, is to be really honest with her, level with her in a kind way...maybe stage an intervention on her behalf with several friends and family who are concerned for her. Yes, personal hygiene is so important on the one hand, yes, it is necessary; but, I'm so glad she made it to church that day...... I'm glad to hear she is paying her own bills and that she is working. I'm sorry that her grandparents are such a negative influence on her. Please tell her how you feel, calmly and lovingly, with her best interests at heart......through the Spirit. Maybe that will help her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 I have and thats how it starts clamly, lovingly but she doesnt want to hear it, her dreams are being a at home mom and I support that, I was a at home mom , her dad and I have told her Josh isnt prepared and there both still young , school should be there only concerns but he isnt going, not yet and she doesnt like school but said she'll take classes next fall. im hoping so ive dropped it for now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maxel Posted January 30, 2009 Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 Oh... that's a complicated issue. =/Prayer + scripture study + meditation + Preisthood blessings = success! Apply the formula liberally until healing is achieved. (Note: Actual time of healing varies with situation. To see if prayer is right for you, consult your local Holy Ghost.)Seriously, it is a complicated issue... It sounds like your parents-in-law are good people, but the negative influences they have on your daughter seem to override the positive ones. As john doe mentioned, though, she is an adult and there's not much you can directly do about it. I would pray for advice and wisdom on how to proceed from your end: knowing how you need to act in the situation will help you feel more at peace about her, even if she decides not to do the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dove Posted January 30, 2009 Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 Maybe go over the reality of being an "at home mother" and the responsibilities of bills and being prepared to pay for raising children is a good step right now. Helping her to see how difficult it is, or, just stepping back and allowing her the consequences of her decisions...the way you explain it, she seems pretty closed to what you are trying to do on her behalf~Maybe you should step back......don't let them abuse you. If they are criticizing you (I believe you said they were) don't force anything. Treat your daughter as an adult and equal. You warrant respect. Expect her to treat you with such. Don't bail her out, love her on equal terms, and don't mother her. She will be grateful to you for doing so, and may in time seek your advice on things. If you give her a reason to fight you on something, it sounds like she will at this time. Maybe a different approach? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jolee65 Posted January 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 Yes, it is complicated and I thank you for listening, its something that brews up from time to time and yesterday was the day. I stopped having a relationship with my in laws years ago. I never got the kids involved it was a resentment that was there and rather then suffer through the family holidays I just told him he would have to go over there without me. My husband wouldnt go to there house because of the unclean way that they live, they breed dogs and they might have 12 at a time and it smells really bad, so he doesnt go, well his step dad developed cancer of the stomach and I felt like I should put my differences aside and start having them over again, and thats what happened its been the second time they,ve come around and all that resentment comes flooding back. Theres alot of things that her dad and I have kept out mouth shut about but when it came to her smelling like them looking like them, dressing like them it lite a fire in me. How I feel about them is reflecting on Sara , I guess I feel like I can say to her what I cant say to them, and its not good. I stayed up til 3 am thinking about this and as I sit here again thinking about it im tearing up all over again. She must think I dont love her but I just want the best for her and for her to do her best in life and she isnt and it makes me think shes like them and i resent them making her in to them. I know I have to change this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elgama Posted January 30, 2009 Report Share Posted January 30, 2009 (edited) you said she had a slow thyroid, means physically her life can be similar to mine with Fibromylagia. Some days i just can't physically be bothered with my appearance, just functioning is the best I can do. Today I am sat in my PJs because I am ill and have no coped at all, those days are fewer now but they still happen.ButYouDontLookSick.com : The Spoon Theorythis website has information on underactive thyroid, and the spoon theory may give you an idea of her day, it may also be part of why she is moody. Maybe her grandparents allow her to be herself, and the crummy foggy feeling she battles through everyday is easier without the pressure. If he has a mental illness there may even be some level of understandingI just know my life with people around me got a heck of a lot more understanding since everyone caught this current flu bug and I was able to tell em for me its well within the realms of a normal day, a day when I function, even my husband has apologised because he realised I got up and did the dishwasher, laundry, dressed the kids, fetched them breakfast before collapsing whereas he could even get up.-Charley Edited January 30, 2009 by Elgama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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