I did it (A new start)

[interalia]

For those who have been following my story, I have tremendous news, and I have to thank the many members who have been so helpful to me here on this forum for helping me along this road.

When I came to this forum, I was struggling very much with my gender identity disorder. Even though I had made the decision to live again as my birth gender to live consistently with my religious beliefs, it was getting really hard to continue to do it. I had lived the past six years without much regard to my gender inconsistency allowing those who loved me to believe that it was all in the past - a big phase - and I didn't really introduce it to new people afterwards. I thought this was the right way to handle it, it seemed comfortable to do so, but ultimately it was killing me inside.

I felt like I was being insincere with people; I was cutting out of my life a huge part of what made me who I am - a part that was such a large part of my testimony of this Gospel. I also was pretending to be something I wasn't, a person with no gender identity issues.

So by the time I came here, I needed help, support, friends, and I needed to feel genuine. I was at that time scouring the internet for transgendered people like myself who decided not to transition and more specifically find ones who were also LDS.

My search ended in failure after failure continually running into people who hated and despised the church, who chose to live their lives out of harmony with the Gospel and take it upon themselves to tell me that I was the deluded one. To tell you the truth, I started to believe them I was getting so downhearted. My gender dysphoria was growing, but there didn't seem to be anywhere to go to find help on living with it without transitioning to the other sex.

Then my mother died. She died 10 days ago on a Friday morning. It was very unexpected and she was only 58 years old. My mother was a great friend and was always a champion for me during my gender struggles. Now she was gone. However in her death a new spark was lit within me. I saw a new path previously hidden: a new opportunity. If I couldn't find someone who was able to make it, to live successfully as their birth gender despite this horrid dysphoria, then I was going to pave that road myself for others. I was going to find a way to do it, make all the mistakes so that others who would follow after me wouldn't have to. Essentially, I would write the book on combating and living a healthy and successful life with gender identity disorder.

To do this will require experimentation and a series of coping "tests". If the "test" works, I will adopt it into my regime, if not, then I will abandon it for another coping technique until I find enough that work.

I made two decisions to aid in my coping. Two "tests". First, I am going to stop hiding it all like it was some dirty secret. I intend to stop stifling my desire to say the things I wanted to say just because they didn't fit into my birth gender stereotype. I intend share my past with others as it is appropriate to do so.

Secondly, I intend to make changes to the way I look and act. For a while I have tried to live as my birth gender according to my own stereotypes about it even if I hated the way I looked. Now this doesn't mean I'm going to dress like the other sex, but rather that I intend to widen my scope a bit more and be less rigid. I'm going to get my hair cut short again the way I like it and find some clothes that I feel better represent me. Concerning the changes to the way I act, I just will try not to pressure myself to conform to gender norms. Sometimes that may end with my acting a little "out of character" for some people but in line with how I feel.

In the end, you might not agree with my decisions I mention above, but know this: I'm walking into uncharted territory, and everything I am doing I am doing to ultimately STAY a member of the church I love and not be driven insane by my dysphoria.

So today when I went to church, I had the opportunity to talk to a few of the members and, strangely enough, without my prompting, the conversation went in the direction of gender differences in the church. I shared a small bit of my experience with those present as it related to the conversation. They were shocked but not offended - in fact it might have even endeared them too me somewhat. Upon them questioning me further, they asked if there was anything they could do to help me. I smiled and realized the answer. "Please, all I need you to do, is just know. Just by knowing that you know what I struggle with, makes it so much easier to bear." With loving approval those who were with me nodded almost with one accord. I felt SO GOOD! I felt like flying I was so happy! I had been able to show myself, be real, be authentic! What made it even better was that they were accepting - something that is a very nice bonus!

I intend to continue to fight this fight and I'll keep you updated from time to time on my victories (or defeats), but without the strength of this community and the examples of its members, I do not think I would have reached the point to be able to do this right now.

PS:

I have hidden my actual gender from you all because I didn't want to be judged according to it, but I feel it is now safe for me to reveal it. I am a 28 year old male transsexual with a looooong road ahead of him. I've included my picture in my profile.

[Honor]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. I've thought a lot about what it will be like to lose my parents, and how much of them will most likely continue to influence my daily life. I hope that you can continue to feel peace even with such a change in the road of your life.

I'm really glad that you felt comfortable enough here to speak so candidly about such a person decision, and even more happy that your ward has been so welcoming as you've opened up to them. You sound alive, excited, empowered and hopeful. Congratulations!

[interalia]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. I've thought a lot about what it will be like to lose my parents, and how much of them will most likely continue to influence my daily life. I hope that you can continue to feel peace even with such a change in the road of your life.

I'm really glad that you felt comfortable enough here to speak so candidly about such a person decision, and even more happy that your ward has been so welcoming as you've opened up to them. You sound alive, excited, empowered and hopeful. Congratulations!

My mother has only ever wanted me to be happy, and I took her on such a wild ride. Her example will always be a strength to me.

Alive - that is a good word. I feel like I can take on the world!

[prospectmom]

wishing you all the best. For answers and peace in all your decisions. I am here in deep with my own sruggles but I care and my prayers are with you. Your gonna be just fine :}

[prospectmom]

I didn;t mean to simplify your problems when I said your gonna be alright, I just know if you stay close to father in heaven and pray you are going to be ok.... ok :}

[interalia]

I didn;t mean to simplify your problems when I said your gonna be alright, I just know if you stay close to father in heaven and pray you are going to be ok.... ok :}

Don't worry, I understand the spirit of your message and I'm grateful. I have trusted in Him up to this point, no time to turn back now. I've literally got my whole future in His hands. Not that we all don't, or that I didn't before now, but with how much I've given up and the odds against my success, it feels even more so like everything is resting with Him now.

[Honor]

I hope you're journaling this - or at least go back and read this post of yours often. Reading over some old journals recently has helped me refocus and brought back some of the feelings and goals that I used to have.

[interalia]

I hope you're journaling this - or at least go back and read this post of yours often. Reading over some old journals recently has helped me refocus and brought back some of the feelings and goals that I used to have.

That is a great idea! I need to do that! And what a perfect time to do so with such a major life shift!

[prospectmom]

Great Idea Honor it could even help me in my struggles....

[lestertheemt]

Interalia,

WoW! You truly have an amazing story and I am so glad that you shared it w/ us here.

Please know that you have support.

Les

[siouxz72]

Interalia,

I loved your post! It did sound filled with optimism and hope! I do believe you've found a good path to take. Sounds like you're even ready for the bumps and bruises along the way! and like the others have said, continue to know that we're all here..even if it's just to listen.

-siouxz

[Maxel]

Interalia-

I think this is the first time we've spoken, but I read your story a few weeks ago. I am so happy for you! Way to go!

If there's ever anything I can do, let me know! I think you've done the right thing, and it seems that you're on the right track. I'd give you the rundown of making sure you're praying and keeping close to God, but you've already mentioned that.

I honestly can't say I know exactly what you're going through, but I have issues of my own that I have to deal with (emotional and mental health issues, as well as an addiction) so I know how life is when everyday is one more struggle. It'll be hard, but it'll be soooo worth it!

I agree with Honor that you should keep a journal. You might be onto something- there might be little, if any, transsexual Mormons that have gone before you in the path that you've chosen. If you can keep to the faith, and document how you did it and how you felt along the way, your story would ultimately provide an example for transgendered members who are also dealing with your same struggles.

Good luck! We're here for you and rooting you on!

P.S.- To avoid accidental offense later, it might be helpful if you listed some common terms related to your situation and defined them (i.e., transgendered, transsexual, etc.). I myself am hazy on them and I don't want to accidentally offend you in any way.

[Guest SisterofJared]

Interalia,

You know, I'm not surprised at the response to the people you talked with today. I have found that most members WANT to be supportive and helpful. Sometimes when things come to us unexpectedly, we don't know how to react. But the way you just laid out your heart so they knew your intent made them respect your heart and your intent and feel admiration for your desires to live righteously. I think the whole key to all of us loving and accepting each other is to be able to see each other's hearts.

I predict continued success and happiness is in your future!

Sister of Jared

[Misshalfway]

I think sometimes we as LDS.....and maybe other groups too think somewhere in our heads that in order to be "righteous" that we won't have difficult life long struggles......That somehow our struggles compromise our righteousness.

The only thing that compromises righteousness is sinful choices in thought or deed. If we struggle but choose correctly, where is the sin? Where is the shame or the disgrace?

I really really think that so many of us have to deal with hard stuff. I wouldn't want your hard stuff and I am fairly sure you wouldn't want mine. I have come to believe that our trials are gifts in disguise....custom fit gifts that if we allow will teach us the most important lessons for our individual growth. Being perfect and acting perfect doesn't, as you have already explained, bring real happiness or growth. We can't really stretch spiritually if we spend our energy on keeping up appearances because we are really exhausting ourselves in a lie.

So....when we are sad, it is ok to be sad. When we are in the heat of a moment of struggle......then struggle! And it is ok to say "Help" and ok not to appear perfectly "Mormon".....as if a stereotype was what God was looking for in the first place. :)

I think one of the greatest gifts of my struggles has been learning HOW to pass thru the trial. I have tried everything....avoiding, medicating, lying, pretending, mending, faking, raging.......and then all that just corrupts and doesn't get me any closer to healing. Now I am learning a better way.....it looks more like patience and honesty and wisdom and peace. My prayers are less desperate and my eyes trained to look for the lesson instead of how I can dodge the next blow. And isn't it amazing when we do decide to live in truth.....whatever that truth is....that strength and peace and freedom comes. I am still waiting to learn the lessons of healing. I am not quite sure I understand yet how to square being changed by God and being healed, but maybe sometime soon I will understand that too.

Good Luck to you, Internalia. Way to live in truth! I think that learning to live honestly but coupled with obedience is such an important step in coming to Christ.

Edited February 2, 2009 by Misshalfway

[interalia]

Thanks all for the encouraging posts. I actually cannot wait to go to church next week!

I figure that when we all joined the church we accepted the call to bear one anothers' burdens. Unfortunately, living in western culture as many of us do, it is common to keep ones burden to oneself. Asking for help is often seen as weakness - as our culture really appreciates and thinks well of those self-made people, people who seem to take care of all their own issues without involving others.

I think this level of individuality (pride?) runs counter to the Gospel plan though. When I home teach it is so difficult to actually get a member to talk about what they really need even if they really need it. I too have done this in the past, but realize now that I should let those called to help me do so and use the church resources at their disposal to do so. In turn, I'll do my best to try to get members to trust me enough to be willing to ask for help they need.

I feel the adversary has really been attacking me like crazy, but I'm confident I'll get through it. After all, the Spirit warned me back in October that a very trying time in my life was about to come and that I should do what I can to prepare.

[Maxel]

Interalia-

It's wonderful to hear from you again! I was beginning to worry that you had fallen off the face of the earth. Yes- it has been hectic enough around here that a four-day silence constitutes as 'falling off the face of the earth' .

Your confident and inspired words reminded me of the Savior's invitation to us all:

Matthew 11:28-30

28 ¶ Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

I am so happy for you, and I know you're doing the right thing.

[Guest HEthePrimate]

(((Interalia)))

I am very sorry about the death of your mother--I lost my wife 2-1/2 years ago, and it was one of the hardest things in my life.

You are very brave, and I wish you the very best. Ultimately what you decide to do with/about your gender dysphoria is up to you--nobody else can tell you who you are, and since you and you alone will have to live your life, you need to choose what's best for you. It's not exactly the same, but I have an LDS friend who married an intersex person. That person had their share of questions, and asked LDS Church leaders. The Church leaders were sympathetic, but said they simply didn't know the answers.

It's not going to be simple for you, but it's ok to be you.

Peace,

HEP