Lost

[Ivy64]

There is something that has been on my mind that I am not open with sharing with ANYONE I know so I figure it best if I ask a bunch of random people I can have non-biased comments.

I was raised in the church. Always very active, very very spiritual, HUGE testimony, always pious...

About 9 years ago I got involved with someone who ended up abusing me sexually and emotionally and physically for almost 4 years straight. Luckily, I FINALLY worked it out with professional help last year that trully changed my life. I have become a different person. I was mangled, and unstable and so many bad things before and I really feel healed now. The only thing is is I have always had, well, you know a high libido. I always believed it was because of this abuse that started so early in my life...

Anyway, I have been dating this guy who is assuredly going to be my husband. I can't imagine life without him he's amazing. We've been together for 5 years, 6 this june.

I was never the kind of girl to desire sexual things...I believe if I was never abused there are things I would never do. My chastity was ALWAYS my prized posession. I prided myself in it. It was always a highest priority.

Long story short, I lost it...

I always imagined myself having a HUGE breakdown if it ever happened. I never ever planned on it happening before I was married - I was soooooo determined. Yet, I didn't experience this HUGE doom and gloom that I always expected would happen, like the end of the world inside.

Infact, I have changed alot since I have moved out of the house about a year ago to live in the same city as my bf. Some for the better, some for not. I feel like sometimes life jsut happens that way. Years back I was in the most amazing physical condition of my life, but mentally weak. Now I am very much more mentally stable and mature yet spiritually weak...NEVER have I EVER imagined I would ever be saying that! So you can see how difficult this can be for me.

The people here are different. I don't have anything in common with anyone in my ward and don't really feel like I belong. I am giving you ALOT of info because I want you to understand my situation before advice is given.

Basically I don't know what to do. I've lost count of how many times we have done it...We've been trying to get married for years. It's like a never ending thing. Something ALWAYS gets in the way - if you understood my bfs life you would understand. Everything (and this is no exageration) that he has ever succedded in or worked for has been taken away from him. His own father (doesnt live with) tried to kill him years back. he has had bad experiences with church, put forth the effort and never really got what was promised....I totally would go to my bishop and repent so we could go to the temple....my problem is I am afraid I can't stop...

Again, I want to blame waht happened to me - not to have an easy way out but because it has caused me SO SO SO many problems in my life. I cant leave this man. I just cant. He is everything to me and part of me. I feel like a temple marriage is (sadly) so high above us - and with everything going on , the economy our financial difficulties, the ever impeding feeling of the end of the world (we watch alot of the History/ Discovery Channels ) I just want to MOVE forward. I feel perhaps a civil marriage would be A step forward, even if it really really dissapointed my parents. But I am SO afraid of doing that.

I want to go forward, but at this point am not sure how. Because of how I feel about church now - Still have a testimony just...sorta...out of place especially when it comes to my bf - how he feels like he is void of Heavenly Father's love and help...its all just so hard.

I think thats enough of a novel for now?

I wanna move forward. What should I do?!

[hordak]

I know my opinion won't be the most popular but since you asked...

What is wrong with a civil marriage? The church recognizes it as valid and so should your parents.

If you can't get married in the temple because your sinning with your BF a civil marriage would solve that problem and stop the sin.(Not that you should get married so you can have sex but if you are getting married.)

I don't know for certain but in my understanding the temple sealing ceremony/covenant is the same for never wedded return missionaries as it is for the couple who have been married civilly for 10 years. If this is the case then what does it matter if you are sealed after 6 months of avoiding the sin and repentance or 1 year after a civil marriage (no more sin) and repentance? Then you can have your cake and eat it to.

[BenRaines]

Let see, would your parents be more disappointed with the fact that you are having regular intimate relations with your boy friend or that you had a civil marriage? As a father of three adult daughters the premarital sex would bother me more than the civil marriage. There is no commandment that says "only temple marriage" We teach that it would be the preferred marriage. We are told to live a chaste life.

You can't "un ring the bell" as they say but you can get married. In most states in a matter of hours, if that is your desire.

Also getting married does not solve the repentance for violation of the law of chastity. That is still something that will need to be taken up with the Bishop, getting married or not.

Ben Raines

[pam]

I agree with Hordak and Ben. Why not civil marriage. At least that stops the perpetuation of sin. Then you can work on the repentence part. Now don't misunderstand. Getting married just to have sex is not a reason to get married. Only if you truly want to be married to this man.

[Ivy64]

Wow. I really appreciate all yyou all had to say. It makes sense. I have obviously been raised in the church and I think sometimes when you have you have heard things so regularily that you see things in a different way, sort of. Not as "fresh."

Anyway, I definitly would not marry him for the sex. I am just not that kind of person. I never thought I would be doing this anyway. I've been wanting to marry him for so long. The wait has been unbelievable. I guess what happened sort of goes along with the reason they tell you not to be engaged for son long... I have learned alot and grown so I am thankful but it is starting to sound the right way for me perhaps.

I agree with Ben. I would still have to repent, but with my past its very difficult for me to stop certain things. I definitly know I would need to after we were married but it seems that if I had him as my husband it would be better and a stronger support for me and us to move forward.

Thanks guys.

Now for another question...do I tell my parents, if it comes to it that I decide a civil marriage, that I have commited this sin?! Do they need to know?! (We are pretty close.)

Edited February 3, 2009 by Ivy64

[hordak]

Thanks guys.

Now for another question...do I tell my parents, if it comes to it that I decide a civil marriage, that I have commited this sin?! Do they need to know?! (We are pretty close.)

We confess our sins to God and those who they may have hurt. Your sins didn't hurt them so there is no need to tell them IMO.

All parents (that i know)look back at their kids and wish the could have done more with them/for them. So confessing your wrongs to mother mights make her think she was bad at her job . It really depends on the parent but serves no purpose.

[jolee65]

I have been married to my LDS husband twice , first time we got married in the churches RS room by the bishop and three witnesses. then divorced 14 yrs into our marriage then remarried two yrs later in the court house. We will go to the temple im sure but havent yet.

Its not going to hurt for you to get married the civil way and then go to the temple later, which im sure you will.

Just remember its about the marriage not the wedding.

[Ivy64]

I like that, thank you Jolee :)

[Misshalfway]

The real question I think is ....What do you really want? Do you want your chastity back? Why did it stop being a prized possession? Was it that you traded it for something else you wanted badly? Love, maybe?

Look. The idea behind marriage with regards to this is that you can have both. You can have love AND and wonderfully healthy sex life. The sealing blessing is an added bonus to marriage. Yes we want everyone to become sealed but not everyone is in the position to become sealed at the time of their marriages. Don't think that earthly marriage isn't a prize in and of itself. It really can be one of life's greatest gifts.

You know, none of us progress to the highest of spiritual things in light speed! We all have to take it line upon line and experience upon experience. You have done what the rest of us have to do. You have made choices and it sounds like to me that you made certain choices in exchange for some of your values and now you are feeling the loss and somehow want to restore those losses.

We choose our way back to the path of righteousness. Maybe you weren't as "strong" spiritually as you thought you were. Maybe you needed to develop other strengths so that you could see the truth about yourself and grow. I don't know. What I do know is that this process is benevolent and that it is a process we all must pass thru.

So dear, decide what kind of life you want. Do you want the kind where you must sacrifice your values for some measure of happiness? Do you want the kind of life where your partners problems rule your choices? Honey, perhaps you have been given some life experience to make you stronger....strong enough to get yourself out of your current predicament and back onto the path that you really want....a path that will integrate all you have learned and gained. One thing I will promise you is that you can't have both. You can't have the blessings AND break eternal law at the same time. And remember not all of our consequences are immediate ones. Our teachings about the temple are what keep our eyes focused on the eternal perspective. Your eyes, I am afraid, have gotten side tracked onto the here and now.

Best Wishes.

[Ivy64]

I definitly feel like I have grown and learned. All that we have been through and are still going through I strongly feel is for a reason.... I feel like we are still, in a way in the Lord's hands but...different then other people may expect. I am certianly learning alot more about truth and myself.

Im just scared...always been afraid of failure and this is one of those things I don't want to fail at. Yet, I feel like I am running out of time to live my life, you know?

[Ivy64]

So I woke up today feeling very good about everything. Feeling like I would have a good life and not to worry.

Then I called my mother. She said her and my dad were just talkinga bout me. She then started asking questions about my bf, his progression etc...I have told them many times about what is going on with both of us spiritually (he had a bad experience, we dont like our ward etc) and they dont seem to get it....

Needless to say it really brought me down. I am so so so worried about what they think I feel like I'd rather go through hell to try and do what THEY want me to do jsut so I dont dissapoint them.

*sigh*

Im just ready for something to happen

[sensibility]

It's tough to disappoint parents. I know. But as you consider and, I hope, pray about this issue, keep in mind that you are not choosing between a civil marriage and a temple marriage. The three choices you're looking at are this: first, you can have a civil marriage and come into compliance with the law of chastity--and not get married in the temple. Or, you can continue to break the law of chastity on a regular basis--and still not get married in the temple. Or, you can leave your boyfriend, which you've said you won't do. A temple marriage is best, of course, but that isn't an option for you.

Would a civil marriage disappoint your parents? Yes. It probably would (and for the record, they'll probably also guess why you can't go to the temple, even if you don't tell them). But while I think parents are awesome and all, please remember that the only parental opionion that actually matters is your Father in Heaven's--and He does know the whole story.

That said: I hope that you never lose sight of the goal of temple marriage, because it absolutely can happen in your future. The Atonement can wash away every sin you've committed. So I hope that as you begin your repentence process, you do it with the determination to go to the temple someday, and that you therefore won't marry someone who isn't also determined to go to the temple. You can't go alone.