Soulsearcher Posted February 16, 2009 Report Share Posted February 16, 2009 2 years ago this weekend i was baptized into the church. I did it for the wrong reasons, but for the first few months i really enjoyed it. I was in a family ward and though i was alone and kinda an outcast, they made me feel loved and wanted. I switched to a YSA ward and after a few bad experiences i realized i didn't need ot be in church to try to do the right things. I don't mind going to church, i actually really enjoy it. I kinda miss giving talks and participating in gospel talks and seeing things from a lot of angles. I usually go every few months when i go to visit my second family. It leads to hard times cause i know i'm not always like the people next to me. There's days i feel like a bad person because i know i don't live the life they do. I won't say i'm a bad person, but there's something i have troubles with. I went ot church yesterday and it was already an awkward feeling. It was a YSA ward with a person i was uneasy going with. I hate strange wards because i feel so very alone. some of the people actually made a strong effort to include me and it eased the tension. I ended up sitting alone for the sacrament meeting and it left me a lot of time to think. I'm not happy. I helped a friend who wasn't feeling well and was run down write a talk. It wasn't very good, but it touched on something that really kinda hit home for me. While i took the sacrament i prayed for strength , her strength to grow and see what she really is made of and how great a gift is, and my strength to let go. As i listened to her give the talk i wondered if she wondered that while it was telling her story, there was a lot of me in the talk. It was me reaching out. After that we went to a baptism. I felt so very alone here. I felt like it was a reminder of how i let people down, mostly the friend i was there with. I felt like i was in the worst possible place and really wanted to leave, almost like i wasn't wanted there. All through it i felt like os much was missing and when the bishop asked "how many people wish they could be baptized again?" i wanted to say me, when i was ready this time.. I took sacrament when i probably shouldn't have, but i needed the strength and the comfort. It's been a few hard days and i know i've made a lot of mistakes and i shouldn't be here, but it opened my eyes a lot. I have a lot of work to do, but all the rules have changed. It was an interesting day that left me feeling like i really was kinda out of place, i don't fit in anywhere i feel and i know i don't fit in here, much as it might not be something i want to say. leads to a lot of long talks with my lil girl next week, hope she has some answers cause after all these years i think i've run out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted February 16, 2009 Report Share Posted February 16, 2009 Sorry to hear that SS-really I have no clue about what you are talking about and there must be some really uneasy feelings. I just wanted to comment or check out I guess my thought that u seem to be really quiet person and mull over a lot of things (which I think is true) and I think you expect other to be able to read what u are going through and step up (that part I might be wrong in) it just seems like when they dont do it u seem worse and u pull yourself in tighter. Sure it would make sense if you are trying to protect yourself-I get that, I do BUT if it's because u feel SO alone all the while u push people away and isolate (like sitting by yourself-or sitting in a room for 3 hours and not talking to your old attraction) then it just seems counterproductive. I don't think I'm saying it right but I just wanted to say some of the things that it looked like to me SS. I may be SUPER WAY off but my obervation Sir (I would have called u Brother but I don't think u like it when I do that). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john doe Posted February 16, 2009 Report Share Posted February 16, 2009 I think sometimes in the church we worry too much about how we fit in, or who else is there and how we feel about them or how they feel about us. The guilt, the sense of not belonging, those are from the adversary, he wants us to feel uncomfortable doing what we know is the right thing. You are not alone in feeling like that. I have felt similarly at different times in my life. But I try to remind myself why I am supposed to go: to be fed spiritually. The other things, while they feel quite real, are distractions from the true purpose of the sacrament meeting. I find that when I go in the right frame of mind, and try to focus on the true reasons for why I am supposed to be there, the peripherals tend to work themselves out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted February 16, 2009 Report Share Posted February 16, 2009 Sorry, SS I wanted u to know I tried to send all that in a PM to u but since I'm not on your friends list I wasn't able. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirajo Posted February 16, 2009 Report Share Posted February 16, 2009 Interesting to me how even the bubbly married couple with a child that look so happy together and are completely active in church could quite possibly be less worthy to take the sacrament than you. I know that much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soulsearcher Posted February 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2009 Don't worry Doc, some of it is dead on, and the rest you can't really know cause i'm holding back some info. I do hold back and close people out, but i tried for them, cause it was needed ot get to something i really wanted. wrong motivation, but i tried. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr T Posted February 17, 2009 Report Share Posted February 17, 2009 Thank you S.S. and I apologize to u. I really need to shut up more than I do sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soulsearcher Posted February 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2009 lol naw, i appreciate it doc, keep me on my toes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hemidakota Posted February 17, 2009 Report Share Posted February 17, 2009 2 years ago this weekend i was baptized into the church. I did it for the wrong reasons, but for the first few months i really enjoyed it. I was in a family ward and though i was alone and kinda an outcast, they made me feel loved and wanted. I switched to a YSA ward and after a few bad experiences i realized i didn't need ot be in church to try to do the right things.I don't mind going to church, i actually really enjoy it. I kinda miss giving talks and participating in gospel talks and seeing things from a lot of angles. I usually go every few months when i go to visit my second family. It leads to hard times cause i know i'm not always like the people next to me. There's days i feel like a bad person because i know i don't live the life they do. I won't say i'm a bad person, but there's something i have troubles with.I went ot church yesterday and it was already an awkward feeling. It was a YSA ward with a person i was uneasy going with. I hate strange wards because i feel so very alone. some of the people actually made a strong effort to include me and it eased the tension. I ended up sitting alone for the sacrament meeting and it left me a lot of time to think. I'm not happy.I helped a friend who wasn't feeling well and was run down write a talk. It wasn't very good, but it touched on something that really kinda hit home for me. While i took the sacrament i prayed for strength , her strength to grow and see what she really is made of and how great a gift is, and my strength to let go. As i listened to her give the talk i wondered if she wondered that while it was telling her story, there was a lot of me in the talk. It was me reaching out.After that we went to a baptism. I felt so very alone here. I felt like it was a reminder of how i let people down, mostly the friend i was there with. I felt like i was in the worst possible place and really wanted to leave, almost like i wasn't wanted there. All through it i felt like os much was missing and when the bishop asked "how many people wish they could be baptized again?" i wanted to say me, when i was ready this time..I took sacrament when i probably shouldn't have, but i needed the strength and the comfort. It's been a few hard days and i know i've made a lot of mistakes and i shouldn't be here, but it opened my eyes a lot. I have a lot of work to do, but all the rules have changed.It was an interesting day that left me feeling like i really was kinda out of place, i don't fit in anywhere i feel and i know i don't fit in here, much as it might not be something i want to say. leads to a lot of long talks with my lil girl next week, hope she has some answers cause after all these years i think i've run out.What is the purpose of the gospel of Christ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Misshalfway Posted February 17, 2009 Report Share Posted February 17, 2009 I think my comments hit the same idea as Hemi. You felt like you didn't fit in because why? Because you made mistakes or you have the "natural man" weakness to deal with? The cool part about the church is that is really does make people happier and shinier and more perfect. What you see in people at church is a reflection of the power of the message. But sometimes I wish we could roll back the surface shine and see how people got to where they are. Nothing great comes to any of us without the struggle. It is the struggle that makes us stronger and makes us humble and brings us to our knees. All of us have pain and emotions and sin to deal with. All of us have weakness and passions we must battle with and then learn to master. In that sense, my dear Soulsearcher, you are not alone at all! In fact, I would argue that in that way you have never been alone. :) Remember too, that there is Satan out there selling you that lie that you are somehow different or a reject or unworthy or left out or whatever. Remember it is a choice to believe those thoughts that get triggered in your head. You said you weren't happy. You said that you were seeking comfort and I think your desire to take the sacrament might just reflect your inner hunger for the Savior. Could it be that you are becoming ready to really know one way or the other the path God wants for your life? Could it be that you don't have meaningful relationships because you need to follow this solitary path so that the victory can be all yours? How much more you will be able to give when you have once and for all anchored yourself to only truths that satisfy! I know mormons are sometimes hard to be around, dang it. They all look perfect and they sometimes really do live great lives. But as I read the scriptures and analyze the greats.....NONE of them got where the are without some serious personal struggle. Moses...Abraham...Isaac.....Jacob....Alma.....Job.......... need I go on? You don't sit down with Abraham Isaac and Jacob before you walk the path of refinement. That is the deal for all of us. I hope, SS, that these feelings that you are having, even though they are unpleasant, are really opportunities in disguise. Suffering tends to carve out space for truth and make room for blessings. It has been my experience that these moments are really my Father in Heaven lovingly inviting me and leading me to the very best things. Much Love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bytor2112 Posted February 17, 2009 Report Share Posted February 17, 2009 SS, I have had similar feelings in the past. Being surrounded by seemingly perfect people was difficult for me knowing the dark roads I had traveled much of my life. As my understanding of the atonement and forgiveness has grown, I don't see these people as better than me....just at different stages of spiritual growth. Most of the people I thought were perfect, I am now certain that they are not and they have issues just like me and need the atonement every bit as much as I do. I have tried to stop looking back at my life and feeling regret, it's not easy sometimes. The really awesome thing that keeps me feeling warm inside is this.........though I can never have the same past as many stellar church members like Elder Eyring or President Monson, I can have the same exact future, because of the atonement. Because of the atonement, The Lord doesn't see my past anymore and I can be welcomed in to his presence just like those who are farther along the spiritual path. A friend once told me that it is direction and not velocity that counts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest missingsomething Posted February 18, 2009 Report Share Posted February 18, 2009 Soul, I was inactive several years ago - when I started coming back I felt the same way you did. I have a few theories as to why I felt that way. First, Satan had me not going to church (but I was still not a bad person.)... but I wasnt progressing. So for the first several months, I felt ackward, out of place, an outsider, and more and more that I didnt need to be there. Which is exactly what Satan wants. You may not need church to be a good person - I agree... but it does help to progress and expand your knowledge... Secondly, if you have a true desire to do what is right... when you go back to church after an extended absence, then you look inward more - you become aware of things you feel you are not "good enough" at... and it makes you feel like you dont fit in with the people going there that are "better" people (and im not saying souly, that this is the way you feel... but rather my personal thoughts). And finally, it took time for me to fit in...and I still didnt "fit In" the way I thought everyone else did... but I learned that the more I reached out to others...the more I DID to participate, the more those feelings lessened. And this is for you... Souly, you had so much going on this weekend. So many things... that you were not wrong to take the sacrament...in my personal experience. And I am not surprised that you didnt have a great experience at church. Hang in there.. and realize that most everyone here genuinely cares for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest missingsomething Posted February 18, 2009 Report Share Posted February 18, 2009 Sorry to hear that SS-really I have no clue about what you are talking about and there must be some really uneasy feelings. I just wanted to comment or check out I guess my thought that u seem to be really quiet person and mull over a lot of things (which I think is true) and I think you expect other to be able to read what u are going through and step up (that part I might be wrong in) it just seems like when they dont do it u seem worse and u pull yourself in tighter. Sure it would make sense if you are trying to protect yourself-I get that, I do BUT if it's because u feel SO alone all the while u push people away and isolate (like sitting by yourself-or sitting in a room for 3 hours and not talking to your old attraction) then it just seems counterproductive. I don't think I'm saying it right but I just wanted to say some of the things that it looked like to me SS. I may be SUPER WAY off but my obervation Sir (I would have called u Brother but I don't think u like it when I do that).Wow Mr. T- its good to see that people care enough to really try to be insightful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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