Advice with teenage son

[mlbrowninwa]

Ok, i think i need some help here. My son is 14 and was once again caught somewhere today that he wasn't suppose to be. Last year he got into some serious trouble at school and we went to a councilor together over last summer and things seemed to improve. But latly we have caught him smoking again, which amazingly enough he admitted to. Today he was suppose to be studying at a neighbors house, but when i was going to get my truck washed i pass him walking with two girls several blocks out of our neighborhood. We I came back around he was gone, but the girls were still walking. I called his cell phone and when he answered he told me he was just leaving his friends house and walking home. When I told him i would pick him up he tried to continue the lie but it quickly fell apart.

I came back through the neighborhood beside us and found him. His first instinct is to lie about everything, but then he tries to blame us because he's constantly grounded. I can't trust him out of my sight and with summer coming on strong i'm afraid of what the summer might bring. My wife and I both work and my daughter is planning on going to the east coast this summer which will leave him here alone during the days(although i work less than five minutes away). I feel like i'm going to have to hire a nanny for the summer at this rate. Anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this?

[blusun7]

If i was him i would want you to sit me down and talk to me. I have been like this.All i wanted was someone to listen to me. I wanted someone to help me too. Talk to him like a friend.Ask whats wrong and what at school wants him to do these things. etc etc..These times that we are in now are so hard for the youth..It is harder than ever.

[pam]

14 is such a tough age for a teenager. It's a time when they push the limits. They are trying to find some sense of independence in their life. But you combine hormones, peer pressure, and everything else in this world that is working against them...no wonder they have such a hard time.

Trying to look at his side..if you were to hire a nanny..oh the horror of it. At 14 having to be babysat? That would be like the ultimate humiliation.

I don't have any answers as all parenting styles are as different as teenagers are. But hang in there. Let him know you will give him some leeway when he has earned it.

[eternalpromise516]

i agree completely with pam, especially as someone who was 14 just 5 years ago. so, just be fair warned i'm going to ramble for a bit as i give some suggestions :)

talk to your son, but make sure he knows you're doing it as a friend and you're not out to get him or whatnot. that's one of the quickest ways to get him to shut down. what did he do at school that you and your son were required to go to counceling? when you talk to him, in general and whenever you're upset with him, what is your tone of voice and body language like? us teenagers can sense stuff like that a mile away and throw up walls, etc. faster than you could ever believe. make sure before you approach him that you can remain level-headed and not do anything that could set his defenses off. make sure you have your wife in on this, maybe even have her try talking to him first. what about another trusted adult, such as his bishop or a teacher he likes? sometimes, it's easier for us to speak to someone outside of the family/situation than it is to talk to your mom and dad. is there any way he could get a work permit, and find a small job close to home, or even just offer to mow the lawns of neighbors for a little money? instead of hiring a babysitter for him (oh my gosh..please DON'T do that for him...honestly), perhaps try working with him to see what kind of extra-curricular/church/school activities he'd be interested in doing that would keep him fairly busy. most importantly, work with your family to create a system that will allow him more and more independence as he makes positive progress, possibly implementing the use of those little "chore charts" where they're listed on one side and then there's boxes to check off when they're done or put little stickers? you could even make something like that up on your computer at home instead of buying one.

those are just a few of the many things i thought you could possibly consider before you talk to him. of course, no one will know the true heart of your son more than you and your wife. good luck, and keep us updated :)

[the Ogre]

I recommend you lock him in the bathroom and pass food under the door until he turns 18 when you can safely kick him out.

[Guest]

I'm going to add a different perspective to this. I don't know anything about your family, so I'm just putting this out there for those who are reading this thread to get another perspective.

Okay, when I was 12 (oh so many moons ago), I was a handful. I mean, I was beyond rebellious. It stemmed from that hormonal change that women go through (and men too, from what I understand, although manifested in different physical ways). And then it just so happened that the years between my 12th and 14th bdays were the darkest in my parents' relationship. I had a terrible time adjusting to "womanhood" and then had a hard time adjusting to high school (in my country we start high school at 12 years old) and then had nobody to talk to because my parents were fighting a lot. I started "acting out" in school and with my friends. The really bad stuff didn't start until I was about 14. From 12 to 14, I just stayed quiet, trying to fade in the wallpaper, just had a few little incidences in school and stuff.

Around the time I turned 14, I had a solid circle of happy friends. I had an 8PM curfew. Well, I did not want to go home. I wanna stay with my friends. My house was the last place I wanted to be. I figured, I'm going to get the same lecture at 8:05 and at 2AM and, if I sneak in at 2AM, there is a chance my parents are already asleep and I can postpone the lecture for the next day. So, 2AM it was. It just kept getting worse from there because I got used to the lectures. I get grounded, I sneak out. I get stuff taken away, I just go use my friends' stuff. My parents gave up on me. My parents relationship got much better, but I was so deep in the ugly stuff that I didn't know how to get back.

Anyway, looking back, I knew exactly what the problem was. My home was not happy. I didn't want to be there. I had nobody to talk to, not even my friends, because I didn't want to be the "odd one out". I just wanted to "belong" somewhere. My parents had 5 million rules that I call "Thou Shalt Nots" and I just wanted to break all of them just to get some attention. Because, doing good stuff just got ignored because my parents were too busy keeping their relationship from splintering altogether.

What changed for me was when I turned 17, my mother found a cyst in her breast. She underwent surgery and was incapacitated for what seemed at the time was a long time. My parents relationship was going great by this time. My dad would fix breakfast and burn everything. The house got so filthy, the laundry was piling up. I took over everything my mother did. Man, I felt good. I felt useful. I felt that I was instrumental in my mother's recovery. You walk into the house and the floor could blind you, it was so shiny. My parents praised me all the time. Even my parents' friends noticed and would praise me too. That was when I started to become "good" again. I liked the feeling of being "good".

Well, I really don't know if this helps any. But, in my experience, I think parents need to make sure that their relationship with their spouses is all in order before fixing what's wrong with the kids...

[Hemidakota]

Beside what is given, you need to ensure you are a living example to him. Kids do not forget and will questioned parents examples.