Asking a girl out

[beefche]

How come no one has ever called me a wizened muse? (And don't say it's the avatar, Beefche.)

Ok, I won't say it's the avatar <whispers> but it is </whispers>

We've called you other things. You don't like those?

[beefche]

Because curmudgeon fits better?

You should have gone with it being a complement on his youthfulness.

Thanks, You are smart, dravin, no matter what others say about you!

[Dravin]

Ok, I won't say it's the avatar <whispers> but it is </whispers>

We've called you other things. You don't like those?

Seriously, what man doesn't want to be called a Jezebel? :whistle:

You are smart, dravin, no matter what others say about you!

Now if only those others weren't my professors!

[Bini]

To OP. There's no harm in asking this girl out. It either is or isn't. But you'll never find that out by keeping your feelings to yourself. For many people big age gaps are taboo. My husband and I are about 20 years difference in age and we've heard everyone's two cents on why our relationship can't and won't work. We've been together two years now and every obstacle we've come across, we've worked together to see through it, just like with any relationship. What is important is that you treat each other with respect and commit. Those are your key ingredients if you and this girl should start courting.

[EQ_Guy]

To OP. There's no harm in asking this girl out. It either is or isn't. But you'll never find that out by keeping your feelings to yourself. For many people big age gaps are taboo. My husband and I are about 20 years difference in age and we've heard everyone's two cents on why our relationship can't and won't work. We've been together two years now and every obstacle we've come across, we've worked together to see through it, just like with any relationship. What is important is that you treat each other with respect and commit. Those are your key ingredients if you and this girl should start courting.

Wow thank you Bini for this beautiful reply. I still don't know if she's into me that way, but soon I guess I'll find out.

I wish you and your husband all the best.

[Vort]

To OP. There's no harm in asking this girl out. It either is or isn't. But you'll never find that out by keeping your feelings to yourself. For many people big age gaps are taboo. My husband and I are about 20 years difference in age and we've heard everyone's two cents on why our relationship can't and won't work. We've been together two years now and every obstacle we've come across, we've worked together to see through it, just like with any relationship. What is important is that you treat each other with respect and commit. Those are your key ingredients if you and this girl should start courting.

How did you get a guy 20 years younger than you to propose?

Goooooooooo COUGARS!!!

[StallionMcBeastly]

BTW, stallion and mormonmusic, Elder Oaks would disagree with you regarding hanging out first. Especially for a man who is 41 years old. Linky

Well, we all have our opinions:)

[Guest mormonmusic]

I scanned the article -- sounds like he's talking about chronic hanging out, which never leads to commitment. I tend to agree with him. However, in the beginning stages, there's a bit of a tentative phase where you need to get comfortable with each other -- for a certain amount of trust to develop. I found if I moved too fast, and then found soon after the girl wasn't right for me, it really hurt her if I broke it off. Or if I moved too fast, there was too much pressure on the relationship for it to progress naturally.

For my wife and I, it was an engineered young adult activity, with about 15 people. Then it was a dinner where we all pitched in and made it -- about 5 of us -- again, engineered so I could get to know her better. After that meeting, we both knew we liked each other, some trust had developed, and it was natural to be alone with each other on a date. Then it led to dating in the Dallin H. Oakes sense of the word...

My wife and I are 10 years apart, by the way. Caused some issues in the beginning as I fell into the role of a teacher and trainer, which sort of jolted me (I had to show her things, like how to write a check, for example), and she hadn't yet shed certain immature behaviors. But that has passed and now she coaches me :)

[EQ_Guy]

I scanned the article -- sounds like he's talking about chronic hanging out, which never leads to commitment. I tend to agree with him. However, in the beginning stages, there's a bit of a tentative phase where you need to get comfortable with each other -- for a certain amount of trust to develop. I found if I moved too fast, and then found soon after the girl wasn't right for me, it really hurt her if I broke it off. Or if I moved too fast, there was too much pressure on the relationship for it to progress naturally.

For my wife and I, it was an engineered young adult activity, with about 15 people. Then it was a dinner where we all pitched in and made it -- about 5 of us -- again, engineered so I could get to know her better. After that meeting, we both knew we liked each other, some trust had developed, and it was natural to be alone with each other on a date. Then it led to dating in the Dallin H. Oakes sense of the word...

My wife and I are 10 years apart, by the way. Caused some issues in the beginning as I fell into the role of a teacher and trainer, which sort of jolted me (I had to show her things, like how to write a check, for example), and she hadn't yet shed certain immature behaviors. But that has passed and now she coaches me :)

WHO is talking about chronic hanging out? Someone did mention that, but I never did. I was just posting to get feed-back on this girl. My number 1 thing is just to find out if this girl is interested me in that way, romantically. The touching and hugging thing can be confusing.

[beefche]

EQ, go up 2 posts to Stallion's post where he is quoting me. I included a link to a talk given by Elder Oaks on hanging out.

mm, I agree to a point. But, it was my experience while in the YSA that we did way more hanging out than dating. In fact, one of the guys I actually did date--we had very, very few dates. We mostly hung out with the YSA branch or our YSA friends. What I agree with Elder Oaks is that it is very easy for people who are insecure or shy or both to just continue to hang out and not take it a step further to actually spend time with their chosen person.

[EQ_Guy]

EQ, go up 2 posts to Stallion's post where he is quoting me. I included a link to a talk given by Elder Oaks on hanging out.

mm, I agree to a point. But, it was my experience while in the YSA that we did way more hanging out than dating. In fact, one of the guys I actually did date--we had very, very few dates. We mostly hung out with the YSA branch or our YSA friends. What I agree with Elder Oaks is that it is very easy for people who are insecure or shy or both to just continue to hang out and not take it a step further to actually spend time with their chosen person.

Oh oh, I get it now. thanks

[Vort]

So when's the first date?

[beefche]

Way to go on using the committment pattern, Vort.

[Bini]

GAH! Can I seriously not use the laugh feature in this forum for Vort's post!?

My wife and I are 10 years apart, by the way. Caused some issues in the beginning as I fell into the role of a teacher and trainer, which sort of jolted me (I had to show her things, like how to write a check, for example), and she hadn't yet shed certain immature behaviors.

This can be true. Fortunately, my husband didn't have to deal with too many of my naive antics since I had been married before for about five years. So I had already done a lot of growing up and maturing during that period. Plus, when we had first met, I was already quite self-sufficient and independent. My vehicle and home were paid off and I had absolutely no debt of any sort. So even financially, I did not need him, which was actually a "feel good" for me being able to support myself alone. I think our biggest "laughs" when it comes to our age gap is our tastes in music and of course, when we reminisce the "old days".

[Guest mormonmusic]

Congratulations on bringing such self-sufficiency to the marriage! I admire people who manage their affairs this way. I can't identify any age gaps now at all in my own marriage -- the only gaps I see are in our life experiences and personalities, independent of age. My wife even started going to school, so we can talk about academic stuff that used to be a gulf between us. Ah, life is good :)

[StallionMcBeastly]

Ahh I got ya beefche. Yes, I agree that it would be a bad idea to get sooo comfortable just hanging out that you would never pair off. If hanging out prevents you from being comfortable one-on-one then you have a problem.

I think it's okay to hang out one-on-one with the person and go do something fun as friends to see how you like them. Or maybe that is dating?

[Dravin]

I think it's okay to hang out one-on-one with the person and go do something fun as friends to see how you like them. Or maybe that is dating?

If it is one on one I think you can make a case for dating, even if it is a casual date (not expectation of eternal marriage right around the corner). Tis not like you have to go to a fancy dinner and stare vapidly into her eyes while calling her pet names and coming up with names for your future children for it to be a date.

Of course what do I know?

Edited December 3, 2009 by Dravin

[EQ_Guy]

So when's the first date?

I have no idea.

[StallionMcBeastly]

I say just call her up and ask her out. Much easier than wondering.

[Guest]

Late replies:

On adoption:

- I agree with whoever is saying about there is a special something about biological children that adopted ones just doesn't have. Not necessarily a bad thing though. It just is. And, of course, it does not affect (or should not) the loving relationship of parent/child.

- But, adopted children have a special advantage over biological children too. As a friend of mine told me one day which until today I can never forget - "My adopted child loves the fact that he is adopted - he likes to tell his friends, your parents are just stuck with you, whereas my parents chose me!"

On age gap:

- I'm 6 years older than my husband. For some reason, people think cougars are worse than manthers. Anyway, there is a challenge there, especially since I was already established while my husband was still trying to get through college, but, like anything else, it is surmountable. Sometimes I get frustrated when I talk to my husband about these very popular 80's movies and he would give me a blank stare... or our Duran Duran versus Guns and Roses battles. But, other than those piddly things, we don't have any age-related challenges anymore.

But then, 6 years is completely different from 18...

[beefche]

EQ_Guy, did you ask this girl out yet? Nosy people want to know!

[EQ_Guy]

EQ_Guy, did you ask this girl out yet? Nosy people want to know!

Acutually I did and she said she'd be up for getting together with me, BUT she said, "as friends right?" So that pretty much tells me she's not "into" me.

Women continue to confuse me. Everyone I shared this situation with were like, "dude, do you not see she's interested in you?" I guess they were all wrong. :)

[Dravin]

Acutually I did and she said she'd be up for getting together with me, BUT she said, "as friends right?" So that pretty much tells me she's not "into" me.

Women continue to confuse me. Everyone I shared this situation with were like, "dude, do you not see she's interested in you?" I guess they were all wrong. :)

At least she didn't run off into the night screaming in horror. I mean, there is rejection and then there is rejection.

[beefche]

Well, she comes from a generation where friends hang out all the time. So, you can do one of 2 things. Ask her out and be her friend and maybe something may change. The risk in that is that you could fall for her and she not reciprocate. Or let things stand as they are. The risk in that is that things would never change. (you can thank me later for pointing out the obvious )

Sorry, it didn't work the way you wanted.

[Guest]

My husband and I never "dated" really. We were very good friends for almost 2 years before he asked me out on a "date" (to church!) and we were married a week later. Never underestimate the power of friendship. To me, it is better than dating. You get to know the person much better as friends - all good and bad and in-between. And there's no pressure. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and if you ask any one of us, we'll tell you that our bestest friend is our spouse...

Of course, I had tons of other friends some of whom wanted more than friends but I didn't like them more than just friends. But we're still very good friends until today and that relationship is great too. You can never have enough friends...