Struggling...

[Torn]

I've recently screwed up in the worst way that one possibly can. Now I'm faced with the challenge of making things right. I know this means a visit with the bishop, disfellowship or worse, and undoubtedly the end of my marriage.

Problem is... I can't do it. I can't come clean. I can't let my spouse know what I've done. I can't face my bishop and tell him what I've done. I don't want my family to know, especially my children. I don't want anyone in the world to know. Ever.

I know I did something wrong. I know I committed an unforgivable sin. I know I not only put my own eternal salvation on the line, but I have also destroyed another family... I didn't do this alone, and I know the other person involved is also facing the same struggle and decisions as I am.

I pray every single day, begging God to give me the strength to do what is right. I listen to the lessons at church about my indiscretion, and about repentence, and I know that I HAVE to come clean with the bishop, and with my spouse.

I know that I can't just keep this between God and I and that it will make things right. I understand that. I know that God loves me no matter what, and I know that He wants me to make things right, and He expects me to do it the right way.

But that's the thing... My testimony of the gospel has never waivered. I know God loves me no matter what. Why can't that just be enough??? Why do I have to ruin more lives? I know that my spouse will find out in the next life if not in this one, and I know this is so not fair to them. It's my sin. I don't want to make it "our" sin. Not right now. I can't.

[Palerider]

I would of thought trying to keep my own family together would be more important. You don't know what your wife and family will do. You don't even know what your Bishop will do until you confess. if your family means as much to you as you say they do....then go and confess and get your life in order

[bytor2112]

How do you know that your spouse will not forgive you? How do you know the Lord won't soften his heart? I understand your struggle. Honestly, to wait could bring disaster and deny you blessings in this life and life to come.

Try and remember that we are here for a brief moment in time and that no one is immune to screwing up. I assume that you mean unforgivable sin in the eyes of your spouse, because, you can of course be forgiven by the Lord.

Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

[marts1]

What a horrible situation to find yourself in. It won't go away. I'd say go see the Bishop, before things get any worse, like your health.

[crazypotato]

Sounds like Satan is messing with your mind, trying to get you to think that you have ruined your marriage and family and that no one will forgive you, and you will be exed. Those thoughts are not coming from God!

It's easier to keep it all a secret, right? If you keep it a secret, you will look like you are trying to get away with it and are not sorry.

[Guest mirancs8]

Believe me when I say I can relate to what you are saying. It's tough to face the consequences or to think that this will cause someone to never be able to look at you the same way. Though my sin was long before I was married I still struggle to this day about it. My advice to you is confess this to your spouse and speak to the Bishop so that you can start fixing the damage. It's would be great if we could just turn out back to it all but unfortunately you will hurt your spouse much more by NOT saying it as the truth will always at some point come out. Eventually your spouse is going to find out maybe not today, maybe not in a year but eventually it will come out.

[JudoMinja]

This struggle will only eat away at you the longer you keep it to yourself. Right now, you are trapped in the chains of your sin and you can't get out on your own. Satan wants to keep you in his grasp, and keeping your sin secret makes it easier for him to pull you even lower.

Admitting the sin won't tear your family apart- it will only bring them closer together. Just because they don't know right now, doesn't mean it didn't happen. This fear has already been realized. Right now, spiritually speaking, your family IS torn apart, and admitting what you've done is the first step in bringing it back together.

[marts1]

Even if consequences do need to be paid, you still need to make it right.

[Tarnished]

I remember finding myself in this situation. I had done something I was sure would cost me my marriage and my membership in the church, I really didn’t want to tell my husband, and I didn’t want to tell my bishop. There was a part of me that hoped that if I just dealt with it myself and didn’t tell anyone that it would all go away, things would be fine and I wouldn’t have to throw my life into chaos.

So I waited, I waited for 4 months before I told my husband. And for those 4 months I was miserable. Thoughts kept crossing my mind of what would happen if I didn’t confess to my husband and to the bishop. I knew that if I did not speak to the bishop that I wouldn’t ever “really” repent of what I had done, I might feel bad about it in my heart, I might even go through the motions of repenting. But I would not have done it properly, I would not have gone through the proper channels to have it taken care of. When I applied for a temple recommend I would not honestly be able to answer all the questions to get my recommend.

I also knew that if it ever was discovered by my husband that he would be devastated. If I had any chance of saving my marriage it was to confess to my husband and then go to the bishop and begin to repent. I wanted to change, I needed to change, and I knew what I had to do to get it done.

I thought things through, I finally decided that the best way to do it was to write my husband a letter and have him read it and then discuss it together. That day was awful for both of us. Worst day of our lives. But because of it we decided to stay together, I went to the bishop that next Sunday. And it was uncomfortable and unpleasant, but I am finally finished. I just hit the end of my year of repentance and I have been forgiven, I have my temple recommend again and can once again take the sacrament. And best of all I have saved my marriage and have been given the opportunity to fix the damage I did and strengthen my marriage.

Please, whatever you do, tell your wife, talk to the bishop. It will be one of the hardest things you will ever do but it is worth it. Prepare yourself for the worst, but hope for the best.

[sworiginal77]

I know you havent stated the sin you commited, but i can tell you from my experience no matter which way you choose to go, you will eventually cause your spouse pain. Let me explain.

I have only just recently found out my wife had commited adultery with a member of our ward. It was a short lived affair, and something she now describes as a horrible mistake.

As with the majority of cheated upon spouses, i knew nothing of her infidelity, until she told me. It was the single most horrible thing i have ever had to deal with. The person i married, the person i chose to be my eternal companion, and worked towards getting a temple reccomend with, had just thrown my life upside down. To make matters worse, only two days before the revelation she had started an argument, apparently from nowhere, accusing me of not loving her - only then for me to reassure her that i did. I found out two days later that the reason behind this argument had been that she had just ended the affair and was unsure as to whether she had made the right decision by ending it and returning to the person shesupposedly loved - being me.

Unfortunately when she told me of the affair, she hid the actual identity of the other person, and said it had been with a stranger, that she had got to know at the gym. This was bad enough. She then broke down four days after the first confession, and told me who it had been. Not only did i have to live through the humiliation of my wife having an affair, i then almost had got used to the idea of this stranger nolonger being in her life, only to then find out i would see this person every sunday at church.

I was wracked with hatred, fear, anger, despair, loathing, self loathing, but decided to try and make a go and repair the damage that had been done to our marriage. I felt like a mug, especially at giving her a second chance, after all nobody would have blamed me for walking away, but to stay and have to face her partner every sunday was no easy decision to make, but my love for her, and the fact that she had told me about what she had done, put us in a position where we could build a better relationship, and out of something deeply horrifying, we had the chance to make something far better than we had had previously.

This was and is no mean feat, and i still struggle with what my wife did three months ago, today.

I would have blissfully gone on with my life not knowing what my wife had done, until a point where i would have found out through some other source/reason, and even if i hadnt found out, my marriage would probably have ended at some point in the future because we were drifting apart without realising it.

You could keep it to yourself - but the fact you have posted here indicates you feel remorseful, and know what you currently feel is not right. If you love your spouse, you owe it to them to tell them the truth. They will go through hell, there is no escape from this, but they deserve to be able to make their own decision as to what they will do with the revelation. They may choose to leave you, but they may also choose to forgive you and rebuild what you have/had.

During the early days of having being told, i asked my wife why she had told me. She said she was sorry for what she had done and needed to put it right with me and our Lord. I asked her why she couldn't have kept it to herself, and she then said that because she had ended the affair, the other member had felt anger towards her. He had opened his heart to her and let her know his true feelings about her, and she didnt feel this in return. What she had taken out of the affair, she needed me to do for her - tell her she was loved for who she is, not who she was, or should be, and as such he was going to wait until after Christmas and then tell his wife, meaning the truth would have come out eventually. And so realising the mistake she had made and having ended the affair on the Thursday, she told me the following Tuesday, to then tell me everything that Saturday and Sunday.

There is no brilliant outcome for your situation. You keep it secret, you wrack yourself with guilt, despair, self lothing, anger, and whatever else you may feel. You tell your spouse, you will put them at the brink of despair, only for them to then have to make a life altering decision, which will have repercussions that will last for many years to come. But at one point in your life, you loved your spouse, and as such you owe it to them to tell tem the truth.

Repentence will have to happen whatever you choose, but only real repentence can come when you follow the path that was laid out for us.

Edited March 16, 2010 by sworiginal77
intriduction

[Torn]

Thanks for your advice. I know what I need to do, there has never been a doubt in my mind, I just wish I didn't have to.

Just for the record... because I'm making myself more accountable as of today....

I cheated on my husband. My husband did nothing to warrant me doing this. He didn't neglect me, we get along great and always have. The only issue I have with my husband is his feelings regarding the church. He is an endowed member, but hasn't been to the temple since our wedding day 18 years ago and has no use for the church more or less. I am the one who gets the kids to church, who keeps the spirit in our home. Or I was.

I let myself get caught up with an old acquaintance from high school. A faithful member who valued his testimony and his temple recommend more than anything. We talked a lot about life and our marriages. One thing led to another, and we both found ourselves in the wrong place at the wrong time. I used to think that when they'd tell you that internet chats and facebook can be dangerous that it would never happen to me. I'm not that kind of a person. I'm here to tell you it did. Four months later, we let it get physical. We both knew right away we had made the biggest mistake of our lives. Today, after a very tearful goodbye, we officially ended it.

Now we're both faced with the next step. He says he's not taking it, and I feel horrible for his wife, for his newborn son he will be blessing in a few months that isn't going to get the blessing he deserves. What I've done to my own husband isn't the half of it. I feel like I'm not only responsible for what I did, but for what he did as well, because I let this happen, I didn't say no, even though I knew better.

I prayed my heart out every day not to let this happen. I had both our names and our spouses names put on the temple prayer roll four times. Sadly, twice, I wrote them down myself. And i never felt like God listened to me because despite my desires to do what was wrong, I still let this happen.

And I am SO scared to pay that price for what I've done. Will my husband forgive me? I don't know. I can only pray he will. I don't want him to know what I've done. But I can't live with myself knowing whats happened. It took all the courage I could muster just to end my affair, and my heart is broken. I don't yet have the courage to finish break my husbands heart. He's not a forgiving person, he's not one to get over things quickly. I guess what I need more than your advice is your prayers...

[sleepless3977]

i sent you a pm, and you definately have my prayers for you.

[Tarnished]

Read our story, http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/17111-blindsided-dumbstruck.html

I have been in your situation. I have been the one who cheated on my husband. And I faced the same choice that you have in front of you. I knew when I cheated that I had just given up my life. I knew there was a very good chance that I would loose my husband, loose the life I knew and was happy with. I was so scared of telling him, because I was sure that my entire life as I knew it would end the day I told him. I was terrified of that, I was terrified of telling the Bishop, he was a man I grew up with, he had known me from about 5 years old. And I was going to tell him how far I had fallen. The whole thing terrified me. I was sure that I would loose my marriage, loose my membership in the church and be completely disgraced in the eyes of everyone who knew me.

But it didn't happen that way. My husband was willing to work it out with me. Sure he wanted to kill the guy I sinned with. Sure he was angry with me, didn't feel he could trust me. But he was willing to work through it with me. Especially since he knew that I was planning to go to the bishop about it.

Now I don't know what your husband is like, he could be completely different than mine. However, I realized that if I didn't tell him that I would never really be able to be with him when we died. I knew that I would loose everything that I had been working for all my life if I didn't take the step toward repentance. All because I was too scared. For me it was too much. Too much dread, too much guilt, too much sorrow for what I had done. And I am glad that I told him, though it was such a terrible day, full of sorrow and grief and guilt for what I had done to him.

Telling the bishop was difficult as well, and when he called a disciplinary counsel I was terrified. But the counsel was wonderful, it was heartening, and it helped me. It set me directly on the path I needed to be to make things right. The bishop asked us to see a marriage counselor. Which did help to a degree.

I know where you are coming from, I have been there. I can't say it will be easy, in fact I can guarantee that this will be the hardest thing you have ever done. But it is worth it. To get to the point where you finally feel the weight of your sins taken off your shoulders is worth any pain you will ever go through. When I prepared to tell my husband I got myself ready to say goodbye to my life. Before I gave him my letter I told my dogs goodbye, I told him goodbye and that I loved him and then I let him read it. I left the house while he read, to give him some time to think it over and to calm down if he was mad. I told him to call me on my cell phone when he was ready to talk about it. It was the most terrifying and difficult thing I have ever done. But I can say now that I am so glad that I told him.

Please message me if you need to talk.

[Guest mirancs8]

Thanks for your advice. I know what I need to do, there has never been a doubt in my mind, I just wish I didn't have to.

Just for the record... because I'm making myself more accountable as of today....

I cheated on my husband. My husband did nothing to warrant me doing this. He didn't neglect me, we get along great and always have. The only issue I have with my husband is his feelings regarding the church. He is an endowed member, but hasn't been to the temple since our wedding day 18 years ago and has no use for the church more or less. I am the one who gets the kids to church, who keeps the spirit in our home. Or I was.

I let myself get caught up with an old acquaintance from high school. A faithful member who valued his testimony and his temple recommend more than anything. We talked a lot about life and our marriages. One thing led to another, and we both found ourselves in the wrong place at the wrong time. I used to think that when they'd tell you that internet chats and facebook can be dangerous that it would never happen to me. I'm not that kind of a person. I'm here to tell you it did. Four months later, we let it get physical. We both knew right away we had made the biggest mistake of our lives. Today, after a very tearful goodbye, we officially ended it.

Now we're both faced with the next step. He says he's not taking it, and I feel horrible for his wife, for his newborn son he will be blessing in a few months that isn't going to get the blessing he deserves. What I've done to my own husband isn't the half of it. I feel like I'm not only responsible for what I did, but for what he did as well, because I let this happen, I didn't say no, even though I knew better.

I prayed my heart out every day not to let this happen. I had both our names and our spouses names put on the temple prayer roll four times. Sadly, twice, I wrote them down myself. And i never felt like God listened to me because despite my desires to do what was wrong, I still let this happen.

And I am SO scared to pay that price for what I've done. Will my husband forgive me? I don't know. I can only pray he will. I don't want him to know what I've done. But I can't live with myself knowing whats happened. It took all the courage I could muster just to end my affair, and my heart is broken. I don't yet have the courage to finish break my husbands heart. He's not a forgiving person, he's not one to get over things quickly. I guess what I need more than your advice is your prayers...

What can I say... WOW!! I will pray for you that you have the strength to tell your husband and the Bishop. You have to do it. I know first hand as to others here the impact of Facebook (and others like MS) can have on some marriages. It is a door where these problems can come into your life. Did you keep your password from your husband? Just curious as to how it went to that degree. I would assume he had access to your Facebook (or whatever other chats) and your emails so I can't seem to figure out how you got away with it. Unless he didn't have your passwords. If he was calling your cell obviously your husband might have questioned that unrecognized phone number. Maybe? Maybe he just never checked.

I do pray for you. I can't even imagine being in that position. It must be very difficult for you right now. Keep strong and be truthful with your husband. He deserves at least that much from you.

[Torn]

What can I say... WOW!! I will pray for you that you have the strength to tell your husband and the Bishop. You have to do it. I know first hand as to others here the impact of Facebook (and others like MS) can have on some marriages. It is a door where these problems can come into your life. Did you keep your password from your husband? Just curious as to how it went to that degree. I would assume he had access to your Facebook (or whatever other chats) and your emails so I can't seem to figure out how you got away with it. Unless he didn't have your passwords. If he was calling your cell obviously your husband might have questioned that unrecognized phone number. Maybe? Maybe he just never checked.

I do pray for you. I can't even imagine being in that position. It must be very difficult for you right now. Keep strong and be truthful with your husband. He deserves at least that much from you.

We each have our own laptops, I don't use his and he doesn't use mine. Even though I have had trust issues with him (pornography), we don't use each others computer. He's never asked for my facebook or e-mail password and I've never offered it. We only chatted during the day when our spouses were at work, never in the evenings. Also, the other guy never called me, never texted me. I texted him a couple of times, but he has an out of state number (Utah) and I have a lot of friends I text in utah, so if he's ever looked at them, he's never questioned it.

I will need all the prayers I can get. I have a feeling I'll be telling him (probably in the form of a letter, thank you for that idea) a lot sooner than I want to, so I can get this off my chest. Life is going to suck, but the sooner I get it over with, the sooner I can get my life back.

[Tarnished]

I will need all the prayers I can get. I have a feeling I'll be telling him (probably in the form of a letter, thank you for that idea) a lot sooner than I want to, so I can get this off my chest. Life is going to suck, but the sooner I get it over with, the sooner I can get my life back.

I am glad that you are going to tell him. I was of the same mind, the sooner I got it over with the sooner I could go back to living life, whatever life it turned out to be. I wish there was a hug button, but as there is not, digital hugs to you! We will keep you in our prayers.

[Guest mirancs8]

Definitely sending you a virtual hug to get you through this. Please stay strong and at least know by telling him you are doing the right thing.

[Aussie]

okay. you stuffed up, big time. yeah, you know it.

thank goodness you feel so bad about it. you still have a conscience

whether i have or have not been on the other side of this is immaterial

but here are my thoughts on one way to deal with this, from a male's perspective

spoiler alert: this willbe brutal- not PG-13 rated- read on at your own risk

Make him a cake, a really good one. a great dinner too.

got kids- get the babysitter for them for the night, send them away

talk positively about things you want to do in the future- future events. keep his mind on your journey together

then enjoy your own marital bliss. i mean really good stuff too. don't hold back. i'm talking good treatment here.

you want him exhausted

in the mellow moments afterward, you gotta let him know how much he means to you, you always want that feeling you presently have. how much he meants to you

then you gotta tell him you stuffed up- you REALLY screwed up and its killing you. its not the person you are and you dont like that person. you dont know how it happened abd its your fault and not his

then tell him you slept with another man and you hate yourself etc

the only difference here is whether it was a protracted affair (betrayal) or short lived affair (stupidity)

if protracted- i can't help

so assuming short lived

okay. he's going to go ballistic. dont think this wont destroy him

do's and don'ts

do tell him it was not premeditated it just happened.

do tell him it was a physical betrayal not an emotional one

do tell him the other guy was a dud and your husband is 15 times the lover and better endowed - even if he isnt (i said this isn't pretty but your husband will at least feel better)

you wore a condom- even if you didn't.

you only did it a couple of times max.

it never lasted more than 10 seconds

when he comes back for more information..where, when, ask him if its going to make him feel better. it won't. don't.

confessing infidelity does not mean confessing every where why what and so on

if the guy is in your ward you change wards. change buildings.

finally, dont let him hang this over you for the next 15 years either. if your marriage moves through this, and i hope it does, he can't use ammunition on you.

church discipline. it willbe relatively quick and painless. possibly you will be ex'd. he will be if he is a member with Melch priesthood. i can assure also that these men will maintain your confidentiality. but they dont need to (wont want to) know all the details. keep that simple and factual. this person, that many times. straight up adultery. it doesnt need where's and whens. they'll only ask that if thinking of mitigating reasons to disfellowship you. your call on that.

finally, are you the one who said he hasn't been to the temple in 18 years? if so then he's dealing with his issues too okay. he's probably not coming clean with you as to why he isn't going and your celestial marriage was not a sham, but it wasn't celestial okay. consider this an opportunity to fix something that was half busted anyway. you can get all those blessinga back. i mean you either do or dont beleive in the atonement. the atonement was for sin, not degrees of sin.

also, this is NO ones business but your own. be careful who you confide in.

good luck. stories like this remind me why i don't take a bite of that apple. its not like TV eh- the consequence isn't all wrapped up with bright smiles by the end of an episode

[Aussie]

Now we're both faced with the next step. He says he's not taking it,

thats his call and you can't interfere with that.

for all you know his wife might go postal or suicidal and he is dealing with that

but you are within your rights to deal with it in your way- and that may include deciding to or not to disclose who the other person was.

one way is to say "the guy was married, and a willing participant, do you need to know any more than that?"

they may, in that they may not want to ex you and if he is found to be more of the rogue in this then you might be excused for being manipulated or seduced so to say.

your call, but you have to at least inform him of your intentions and that you reserve the right to identify him if thats the way it happens.

he's a grown up and has to accept the consequences of his actions too. you have to deal with your consequences, not bear his.

finally, time heals most wounds. it will fo ryou in this. might take 15 years tho. this isn't a 3 or 12 month wound here

if you can get through this you will be stronger for it tho

[sworiginal77]

I agree with some of the things Aussie says, but plenty I disagree with either - personal opinions and experiences.

In my experience buttering things up will only hurt more. If you lull someone into a false sense of security and then drop this on them you are not showing remorse - in my opinion at least. This is no doubt the hardest thing someone can be told by a loved one, and there is no easy way to do it, it will put your spouse on the edge of despair.

Do not be patronizing when talking about your infidelity. There is nothing wrong with being candid, as long as you are being truthful. You don't want to hurt them more than you have to, but telling them falsehoods to make him feel better won't help. I needed to know what my wife did, how they did it, how she felt, thought, almost to the point where I was destroying myself with this knowledge. I was told it was rubbish and I refused to believe it, then she explained in detail what happened and it made more sense. I still think she is trying to protect me, but her story hasnt changed in almost 4 months and so I need to start believing it now.

In spite of what you tell your husband, he will imagine what you did as being far worse than reality. So you could do as aussie suggests, but personally I would have pulled the information apart and created my own re!pity, and should the real truty ever come out, I would have felt betrayed all over again.

You are in a no win situation, where your husband has to play the hand he has been dealt in a way that works best for him, either with you or without. I do not envy you or condone what you have done, I only hope you manage to survive this and move foward into a future where you can find some happiness - wit& or without your husband.

[sworiginal77]

I agree with some of the things Aussie says, but plenty I disagree with either - personal opinions and experiences.

In my experience buttering things up will only hurt more. If you lull someone into a false sense of security and then drop this on them you are not showing remorse - in my opinion at least. This is no doubt the hardest thing someone can be told by a loved one, and there is no easy way to do it, it will put your spouse on the edge of despair.

Do not be patronizing when talking about your infidelity. There is nothing wrong with being candid, as long as you are being truthful. You don't want to hurt them more than you have to, but telling them falsehoods to make him feel better won't help. I needed to know what my wife did, how they did it, how she felt, thought, almost to the point where I was destroying myself with this knowledge. I was told it was rubbish and I refused to believe it, then she explained in detail what happened and it made more sense. I still think she is trying to protect me, but her story hasnt changed in almost 4 months and so I need to start believing it now.

In spite of what you tell your husband, he will imagine what you did as being far worse than reality. So you could do as aussie suggests, but personally I would have pulled the information apart and created my own re!pity, and should the real truty ever come out, I would have felt betrayed all over again.

You are in a no win situation, where your husband has to play the hand he has been dealt in a way that works best for him, either with you or without. I do not envy you or condone what you have done, I only hope you manage to survive this and move foward into a future where you can find some happiness - wit& or without your husband.

[Aussie]

your words of personal experience are way beyond my attempt at suggestions

sister, listen to that man, and not me

but then my wife knows what presses my levers

your call. good luck

[crazypotato]

I can see where Aussie is coming from, though. Aussie is a man, but so is sworiginal. Why add every little particle of the dirty truth, though? Isn't it kind of cruel to tell your husband in detail what you did to him? Why not build your man up a little bit? That he is more of a man in bed, etc?

I know Dr Laura (she is not God, I know, but she understands men pretty well) is never for adding the salty details of an affair. She says that it is selfish to get every detail of your burden off of your chest and that is adding pain to your spouse. And every detail of an affair will not come out as far as the bedroom. That is entirely subjective. What, you really think that your spouse needs to know the intimate bedroom details if they were better or more exciting? That is cruel! I think confession of where and when and with who are appropriate, and why you did such a stupid thing, but also you need to build your man up and tell him that he is a better lover. Women should do that anyway, affair or no affair.

[sworiginal77]

I understand where both Aussie and crazy are coming from, I just know that I needed those details, my wife definately didn't want to tell, but understood why I needed to know them - I have a self destructive/masochistic personality and it would have eaten me up not knowing, even more so than knowing.

Anything I may have been told about being bigger, better, etc, were taken with deep scepticism, and even a white lie would have hurt deeply.

As I said, I understand the theory, but would have found it hard to believe.

[sworiginal77]

I understand where both Aussie and crazy are coming from, I just know that I needed those details, my wife definately didn't want to tell, but understood why I needed to know them - I have a self destructive/masochistic personality and it would have eaten me up not knowing, even more so than knowing.

Anything I may have been told about being bigger, better, etc, were taken with deep scepticism, and even a white lie would have hurt deeply.

As I said, I understand the theory, but would have found it hard to believe.