His confession of pornography addiction-need advice

[truetothefaith]

I have been where you are. The first time I caught my husband was a few months into our marriage and I was devistated. He said that he was "a weak man" but that he was sorry and wouldn't do it again. I knew it had been an issue for him growing up but he told me he had stopped and taken care of everything. I felt betrayed, rejected. Everything that goes with it.

You've got to understand, What Satan loves more than keeping a couple from the temple, is destroying a marriage that has already been there. These feelings of betrayal, rejection, feeling unattractive are all Satan's attempts to bring you BOTH down. He isn't just going to work on your husband with this and when your husband did this he opened the door for Satan to use the addiction to affect you.

We are required to forgive ALL men. Charity never faileth. I totally agree that you need to say, "I love you. I want to spend forever with you. What can I do to help?" Getting him to open up to you and be able to talk to you about this is key. He needs to know that you are over getting upset and that you honestly want to help. I imagine he hasn't been doing a lot of personal prayer or scripture study. So set an example. Let him see you do it, but don't tell him he should.

My husband didn't want to change after the first time. He too came up with stupid excuses about why not to put filters and such on the computer.

The second time I caught him, he was really sorry. I believed him but he wasn't ready to go to the bishop and I didn't push him. He wanted to do this the right way and needed that time to figure things out, which I respected.

He has since talked to the bishop. And the process has begun. He is doing soooo much better. I can tell when he has slipped up because his entire mood changes. And he hasn't been that way for a while. You can't force him to change. The best thing to do is figure out what is missing in your life. Be it pray or scripture study. Letting him see you work on these things will help him to work on them as well. I know there is life after addiction! A wonderful life. But he does have to show that he wants to change. I told him if he didn't show improvement, as much as I loved him, I needed someone who wanted to be with me and was willing to fight for it. He understands that I need that in my life and he has stepped up to the plate!

[Angelmom]

For 20+years I have lived in silence while my dear husband has had a probem with porn. He had this problem before we married. The internet came along and it has been a part of our lives ever since. He has always gone to te Bishop and has even had a full year of being clean, but I am now finding myself freaking out more and more because of his problem and I am finally ready to start going to 12 step programs.

If your husband refuses to admit or get help, get help for yourself. You are codependent. I know this because I am this. I have proected him and "the secret" for well over 2 decades now, because he is a good man, and I did not want people to view him poorly. He has always gone to the Bishop and confessed. he is always trying.

He loves his family, but has a very big problem which has stolen my trust and hurt my family.

I also have a 20 year old son, who has not gone on a mission because he too addict and suffering greatly.

Porn has messed up my eternal family and my eternal marriage. It has stolen my dreams and I have no concept of what eternity is anymore. I have no idea how this will all turn out. I have to have faith, and I do have faith, but right now I am very sad and angry.

If you want to know more you can go to my new blog. If you want to share, feel free.

Wife of an LDS Porn Addict

It is my faith, love of the Lord, and my Family that keep me going.

Angel

[dizzysmiles]

Find a 12 step program where both husband and wife can go in the same room. not one where women go to support men go to recovery. I went five years ago to one where we all met together, it's what got me through it./ I focused on my life. He saw my pain, I started to understand his pain. REad " He did deliver me from bondage" Five years later and some relapses later we are STRONGER than ever. My adivice is GET to those 12 steps ASAP.

[dizzysmiles]

When I found out,. I went to him nice. I wanted to help him. He wanted to change. I wasn't going to be his Mommy and I wanted to trust him again. Of COURSE he is going to be mad, you are takng away his candy. It's an addiction. he will fight and be sorry at the same time. Don't treat him like a kid. and when you say you forgive him, really mean it. I couldn't stand women coming in saying they forgave,. the next week "Oh never mind..." some people love to be the victims too (not saying you are) It's a huge problem and MORE people need to be BLUNT aboiut this topic. I LOVED elder hollands talk this conference. Also, in a women's only support group you are missing out on the best place to be... in the recovery support group. The men are having an amazing real outlook on the problem, while the women sit in a room like R>S lessons. The one we went to was in Ogden ut if your near it. It was just like a A.A meeting you see in the movies " Hi my name is...." "Hi....." it was wonderful, embarrising at first but get rid of that pride for any of you too scared to get in public with your secret,. and get the help they and YOU need

I'm glad you don't feel like most women including myself did where you felt NOT good enough. or pretty enough otherwise he wouldn;t have done it. Women who feel that way, don't understand addiction and I know first hand that it can turn into a worse mess on YOUR end if you truly believe it that way

Edited April 28, 2010 by dizzysmiles

[TherapyTribe]

Hi

Just sympathy and no advice from my side .

[Doc_S]

Just want to chime in and say that I too am a married man dealing with this right now. I add my voice wholeheartedly to say:

1- He has to want to change. And even if he does, it can't come overnight. Addiction is by definition irrational. Behavior addictions (porn, masturbation, gambling, shopping, hoarding) operate by the same brain pathways as drug addictions. Even though you know you are destroying yourself and hate it, you feel powerless to change. There are very good neuro-biological reasons for this. It is truly a form of bondage.

2- A supportive spouse works wonders. Don't be distant, but express real love and intimacy. Porn is just an imitation of real intimacy but can never offer the real thing. Don't police, but ask him how you can help and how he wants you to be involved. It's true that addictions destroy relationships, but it is also relationships that destroy addictions. I have felt the struggle of having to confess a "slip-up" and seeing the tears. It is horrible and each time I wonder if I can do it again, but I have to if I want to regain trust.

3- This is really, really hard work. One way to be supportive is to do your own hard work too. Everyone has something they should be working on. We have been regular in our individual and couple scripture study and prayer. To get the help I need from the savior I need to do everything else in my life and the church that I can to be righteous. We are doing this together, and over the last 3 months we both feel like we are stronger spiritually than before, and we are definitely closer to one another as well.

4- He needs the atonement to carry him through, but you need it just as much too. Remember the twofold purpose: 1- forgiveness of sins and 2- carrying our burdens. Since you have no ability to directly affect another's choices, your best focus should be to spiritually strengthen yourself as much as possible. Not only is it a supportive example, but you will have much more powerful prayers to ask for help on your husband's behalf.

Although it is awful to have this in my life and in our marriage, it has also given me something that I know I can't do alone and forced me to rely completely and sincerely on the savior. I think it is doing the same for my wife. The Lord works in mysterious ways, but maybe finding a way through this is what we need to help us build the faith we need for salvation that we might otherwise not be sincere enough to seek out.

(p.s. A quick note about internet filters- They work well to help someone who is trying to avoid porn and needs it to be more difficult to get to. They won't help at all (and might hurt) if used as forceful barriers. The addicted brain will get what it wants one way or another. As far as to protect kids fom initial exposure, don't forget there are multiple different browsers, many file sharing programs, bit torrents, MSN, video chats, skype, smart phones, etc... pornography can come through any of them, so the simple web browser in my mind is obsolete except for the most inexperienced of computer users- which will not be your kids)

[Guest mormonmusic]

There are counselors that can help with porn addiction at LDS Social services. I worked with one in a Church calling a while ago and he said that was his specialty.

Wives who are attentive to the sexual needs of their husband also can help lessen the need for pornography and the m-word. When he has a need for porn or sexual release, perhaps you could get involved and replace the need within the bonds of marriage somehow. I don't know how the women feel about this, and I certainly don't expect you to share any steps you may have taken so far in this regard....