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What to do with my boyfriend..

dizzlertwizz
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Melissa569

Melissa569

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hopefully by telling you this, it will make you a little less eager.

I was inactive most of my life, when I met my current husband (a non-active Catholic). He and I had sex before we got married. He was my first, and remains my only. I was 23 when it happened (now I'm 29).

At this point, all I can remember of that night is a dark room, a few kisses, a lot of pain for about 2 minutes, and then BOOM it was over. He just rolled over and went to sleep, as do most guys right after. Its not like in the movies... They don't hug you, and gaze in your eyes, and "talk" for an hour. A pretty rude shock for me. I sat there on the edge of the bed, totally hating myself more than you can imagine. I held out 23 years, just for that??

I snuck outside and went for a late-night walk alone and cried for about an hour. When I got too cold, I came back and went to sleep.

The point is-- the first time is not going to be all that great. Especially not if he has little or no experience. You might as well at LEAST have the luxury of being proud of when, where, and how it happened. Don't do like I did. I understand that it still would have happened the exact same way, even if we had been married. But again, at least I could have been proud of myself.

My parents tried to warn me with those exact same words, but I didn't listen. Now I wish I had.

Edited by Melissa569
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Maya

Maya

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Please keep your head cool. Dont have sex before marriage. It may feel difficult now, but please do wait ... you WONT be sorry if you wait... you WILL be sorry if you dont. I was not a member then, but I always thought those thigs belong to marriage, but we were stupid and I been sorry for not waiting, I stil am. It was stupid, I was stupid... do you want to be stupid the rest of your life? You know what, when you are married you can do it without bad concious and it will be a lot better. Then you can continue all your life... I mean even a few years to wait is not long to feel that you did it right!

Get married first! Even marriage then feels better when your conciousness is clear!

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ryanh

ryanh

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He just rolled over and went to sleep, as do most guys right after. Its not like in the movies... They don't hug you, and gaze in your eyes, and "talk" for an hour. . . .

:confused:

You're kidding right? You are going to paint 1/2 of God's creation with one broad stroke of ugly? How incredibly offensive.

Perhaps you should look for the real lesson in this rather than making a scapegoat of others. There are reasons to wait for someone that is respectful enough of a woman to wait until marriage (and vice versa). Your experience is most unfortunate, and sadly, all too common among those who don't put the Gospel first in their lives. But it is a lesson in choosing a partner whose principles are founded in real love (not lust) according to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, not a lesson in avoiding men or preparing for an awful first experience.

The problem is in the picking of a mate not respectful of one's virtue, not in the inherent evilness and selfishness of all men.

I understand that it still would have happened the exact same way, even if we had been married.

Wrong. This is a figment of your perceptions of men as whole, not of reality. Please don't publicly castigate me along with all other men out there simply because you chose one who didn't respect you.
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Tarnished

Tarnished

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Posted

My husband and I waited till we got married and it was wonderful. My memories of that night are very nice. He got us a room at a nice hotel, we had music and soft lighting, and the whole experience was very good. Not at all what Melissa’s experience was like. There is a lot that can go into your first experience, and a lot of it comes down to communication. Waiting is worth it, not waiting will result in a long difficult repentance process and probably not the best experience over all.

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Guest

Guest

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Posted (edited)

:confused:

You're kidding right? You are going to paint 1/2 of God's creation with one broad stroke of ugly? How incredibly offensive.

Perhaps you should look for the real lesson in this rather than making a scapegoat of others. There are reasons to wait for someone that is respectful enough of a woman to wait until marriage (and vice versa). Your experience is most unfortunate, and sadly, all too common among those who don't put the Gospel first in their lives. But it is a lesson in choosing a partner whose principles are founded in real love (not lust) according to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, not a lesson in avoiding men or preparing for an awful first experience.

The problem is in the picking of a mate not respectful of one's virtue, not in the inherent evilness and selfishness of all men.

Wrong. This is a figment of your perceptions of men as whole, not of reality. Please don't publicly castigate me along with all other men out there simply because you chose one who didn't respect you.

Ryanh, I know where you're coming from on this and I sympathize. But Melissa has a point even if it got overshadowed by the man-jibe. Most girls (I can probably say ALL safely but I'll give room for exceptions) have this romanticized expectation of sex. It's just the way we are, I guess. And most of the time, this romanticized expectation is not met the first time, especially before marriage - because, yes, most people who do not wait for marriage are usually focused on the physical act more than the spiritual.

Men, by nature, have a completely different psyche about sex. For a man, it is a physical intimacy, for a woman it is more of an emotional intimacy more than it is a physical one.

Usually though, when engaged in after marriage for the first time, it gives the experience that "special" and "sacred" setting which, in itself, may be enough to fulfill the woman's "romanticized" expectation. I would guess this is what made Tarnished experience very good. A lot of times, the inexperience and the difference in psychology makes it unpleasant for a woman the first time which puts a dent in the romance even when it happens after marriage.

What I understand Melissa is saying is true for a lot of women. A guy - no matter how romantic and empathic and wonderful - sometimes just cannot fulfill a woman's Disney Princess expectations. When this experience is coupled with guilt it makes it doubly disappointing and troubling. But if this experience happens after marriage, a woman can usually look forward to the next time even if the first time was not what she expected and think that "it gets better with time" because the sanctity of the act is foremost in the process (emotional aspect).

Nothing to do with the man, at all, although there are some men that are so "in tune" with a woman's needs and control their desires to adjust to it... doesn't usually happen the first time though. It takes a bit of getting used to... to get in "synch".

Edited by anatess
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  • 6 months later...
jlf9999

jlf9999

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Posted

This relationship has disaster written all over it. You are a young women and rightfully and biologically want to be married and he is scared out of his brain. Unless he makes a commitment for marriage and follows through with it quickly, your relationship will go no further than a romp in the hay. Honest. You are not the first person to experience this and will not be the last. What you are experiencing is just hormones.

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