How do I make friends at church?

[mkfreelancewriter]

I'm in a family ward. How do I make friends at church?

I'm kinda shy. People sometimes think I'm rude, but I'm just shy. They often get the wrong impression. I only talk in keywords when spoken to cuz of getting very nervous.

:)

[Roseslipper]

i use to be very shy as well, but the church has helped me get over it mostly. JUst smile and say hi introduce yourself

[zippy_do46]

I have been there and in this church being shy is torture :) Having said that I would tell you," Do everything you can to step forward even if it is an inch at a time.

Some things I did:

Talked to my Relief Society President and tell her your problem.

Step forward and serve others (often this is on a one-to-one basis)

Listen, often I would hear a need that others did not (Ex. I would send some Nursing Home members lessons and comments that were made from others)

Study and Pray - this lets you know where you come from and realize as a daughter of our Heavenly Father you have worth.

My first calling was in the Nursery. This helped me because with the children I was not so shy. :)

My shyness was so bad I went less active for a number of years. I pray that you do not let this happen to you. My mother told me I just needed to come back to the church I had always gone to before I was converted to the LDS Church. I knew that the gospel was true and I had to try to come back. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do. :) Thus began my journey of returning one step at a time. I did what I told you I did. A Primary President was listening to her Father in Heaven and called me as Nursery Leader. To be honest I do not know who she was. I was that shy. I came to church and went to the Nursery. I do not think I looked a parent in the eye the first year. :) Hang in there.

Smile your Father in Heaven loves you. I agree with Roseslipper. A smile can be a beginning, because when you do this you hold your head up. Just doing this sometimes can give you the strengh to say hi!

[Landy77]

Ask about being a home teacher. That will get you out there and meeting people.

[baver3]

Be patient!

I think I am like that to a degree and in every ward Ive been in it has taken me at LEAST 2-3 years to really start feeling like I belonged and to get to know people.

Smiling and not being afraid to introduce yourself is the best way. Show up every sunday and go to the thrid meeting. I mostly socialize when Im in Relief Society, NOT Sacrament. So its important to go to that meeting. Be open.

Try to not use codewords.

[Bini]

Just do a lot of smiling. Even if your smiling outweighs the talking. People love to talk and love to talk about themselves. So even if you're just smiling the whole time, they'll think you're in-tune and following along!

[LDSVALLEY]

show up early, stand outside the main doors and open it for people coming in for Sunday sacrament.

Gives you a chance to say hi to people, be seen as helpful, and doesn't create awkward conversations where you have to over come your shyness and figure out what to say.

As you become more noticed by members and as you become more familiar with members it lowers your fear and allows you to ease into finding solid friends.

It worked for me.

[Tarnished]

I am shy as well. I am also a people watcher, I started to watch people and finally picked out some of the sisters that I thought I would get along with well. I then went up to them and introduced myself. Also try attending the Relief Society activities and try talking to the other sisters there. Sometimes the best way to make friends is to force yourself to say hi.

[Guest Alana]

I'd go to activities outside of Sunday. Sometimes I'd find myself with a group of people that at first it seemed I had nothing in common with. I did a lot of just sitting there pretending to be really interested in my fingernails, eventually though, someone would say hi. Even if I never talked to a certain person the whole time at the activity, it seemed to open the door next time I saw them for them to not be so shy and to say hi. It also gave me something to talk about when I'd see these people later.

[dizzysmiles]

Be the first to be friendly, they don't know your shy. Try to get out of your comfort zone and compliment them. I waited until someone was nice to me, it never happens. Take the first move and you will see the love and friendships that come about. Meet one new person each sunday. During the week take them cookies or babysit or some type of service. Then ask them to come play games or whatever you do thats fun! good luck

[Guest WhoShotJS]

invite some people from the church out to a bar. booze always seems like a social lubricant. Good luck!

[ZSEdwardson]

I am actually horridly shy, but have learned to deal with it. The good news is that LDS are nice almost to a rule. I still have a hard time in social group settings, (I can speak in public in front of hundreds, or talk one on one, but if it a get together, I am a wall flower) but use your shyness to a advantage, learn to listen to folks, and soon you will get to know people and be well thought of.

[mkfreelancewriter]

thank you

[Guest mormonmusic]

Suggestions:

1. Try looking for other shy people, and talk to them. When I was in high school, at my first dance I was scared out of my wits and invited all the people pasted up against the wall to dance (the loners) because then, at least, I wouldn't get rejected. Worked like a charm.

I continued this practice as I progressed in High School and without actually seeking it, ended up becoming very popular, which helped me become even more outgoing. I attribute the big following I had to my proactive reaching out to people who weren't popular themselves, and it ballooned my confidence in a good way.

As the new testament says, Christ "grew in favor to God and Man" -- and that this happens through service according to Ezra Taft Benson. I think reaching out to lonley-looking people mis a form of service, which will balloon your confidence.

2. Also, in University, I got shy again, and my friend and I set a goal to talk to 3 people every day we didn't know. We called it "Operation Introversion Extermination". It helped me get really comfortable approaching people I don't know. Perhaps you could set a similar goal.

3. Also, face the challenge with humility and rely on the Lord to help you say the right things. Also, I love Bini's advice to smile -- it puts you and your conversation partner at ease. Pray to rely on the Lord, smile, and go into situations believing Heavenly Father will help you. Make sure you go to the Church with the attitude "Heavenly Father, help me to rely on thee". it will do wonders for your confidence!

4. Another suggestion, when you use a conversation opener with someone, ask a question that will make them say "Yes" first. Follow the advice of the lawyers in court "Never ask a question you don't know the answer to" when trying the Yes method -- make sure it's an answer they will say "Yes" to. This will help you put yourself at ease through their answer.

So, if you read the Ward bulletin, and someone is listed as a counselor in Young Womens, say "do you work with the youth here at the Ward?" when they say "Yes!" you can then follow it up with a comment about how great it is to work with youth, or a common experience you might have had working with youth, etcetera. As long as it's sincere, it starts a conversation on a positive note and gives it traction.

5. I also used to plan my conversations when I was a missionary. I wouldn't expect them to run exactly as I planned, but when I showed up at someone's home, before I prayed about the visit, I would create a mental list of things I could talk about with the family, based on their interests etcetera. If conversation doesn't come naturally to you, then this mental list might come to mind so they are available during those times your mind goes blank. But don't expect the conversation to unfold in any particular direction, just be ready with possible things to say.

6. Keep an inventory of things to talk about in your back pocket of general interest. One of my companions helped me with this. He'd ask people about vacation coming up, and their plans, or what they like to do on vacation. He would also share sensational things that happened to us to people like "a kid threw a rock at our car today as we travelled down Orange Ave" . One would pull out his new technology device (a PDA back when they were new) and showed everyone what it could do.

7. If the conversation is dying, and you're feeling Mayday! Mayday!, don't know what to say and its getting uncomfortable, have a few exit statements you can rely on such as "Well, I better get off to my next class" or "Excuse me, I've got to take care of something', or "Thanks for chatting -- I loved your talk!"

8. Look for phrases in popular literature that might add sparkle to your conversations. I have one I ran into on the front of a musical instruments magazine. It's "droolworthy". 'Wow, that's a droolworthy tie you're wearing, I wish I had one like that!" (Again, say it only if you mean it)

9. When relating to a group of people who don't share your perspective, research their interests before hand. When I work with youth, I listen to their music, find out who the current spate of movie and pop stars are, the technology they like, as well as their personal interests. And then, I talk about that to get on the right foot.

This is one area I really struggled with for years, that isn't a big deal right now since I've worked on it. Thanks for posing this problem. I love problem-based posts.

Edited May 2, 2010 by mormonmusic