Am I wrong to feel this way?

[mkfreelancewriter]

I don't know where to start.. I guess I will start at the beginning... My husband and I have been married for nearly three years. I was weak when I married him. I gave up my dreams.. My dream has to always been sealed in the temple even if it meant to have a regular wedding outside of the church..

My husband is not mormon. He doesn't agree with the church. He once told me that he would join the church if it meant keeping me... I don't want him to join the church unless he wants to for HIMSELF and not because he wants to keep me.. We are in the middle of a divorce and I can't help but feel weird..

This is the part where I almost feel that I made a mistake in getting married. It says in my patriarchal blessing that I got from the Patriarch is the following:

"Now there will come into your life at the proper time a priesthood holder, a son of your father in heaven who will seek your hand in marriage. I bless you to not expect perfection but to work toward that goal. He will take you to the temple and there be sealed for time and for all eternity. Children will be born to your family. I bless you to be a good wife and mother"

I really do love my husband, but between things that have happened that were outright wrong and feeling cheated out of my dreams I almost feel like my marriage was a mistake since he isnt a mormon.

I don't know if I am crazy for wanting to follow my patriarchal blessing the best as possible or what. I want to find a man that knows how to treat a woman right and that hhas the same goals in life as me.

I just feel lost.. Do you have any advice? I really want to go to the temple to get sealed, but a part of me feels that it will be a mistake if I go with my current husband that im getting divorced from.

Thank you for your time.

[Roseslipper]

well were dream is to be sealed in the temple, but be married first...there is a difference in getting married in the temple and being sealed. many people get sealed after they have been married you didnt give up your dream. If you still love your husband, and if your both willing to work at your marriage then work at it..do what you need to do to make your marriage a wonderful one. It takes alot of work on both parties. Its give n take..ITs really hard work...but if u can make the marriage work great it is not always greier on the other side. And of course He shouldnt join the church just to keep you. He needs to join because he wants to for himself. YOu know that but he doesnt...if hes willing to do it for you, thats a sign that he wants to make your marriage work...which to me is a good sign...but talk to him, explain your wants your needs etc...and he needs to do the same thing with you...you both need to listen to each other. you both can make it work...if u both do what u need to do. IF hes abusive then thats a different story. thats my humble opioin.

[mkfreelancewriter]

Quote "IF hes abusive then thats a different story. thats my humble opioin."

Rose,

You nailed it right on the spot. He is abusive and I had him arrested for it. Both of us come from dysfunctional family childhood. Right now, My husband and I are separated due to the abuse and a few other things.

[Roseslipper]

now I dont know what to say.im kinda tongue tied..im not a professional....I know their are alot of dysfunctional families out there. Im sorry your in this situation. Have you both had counseling??? Pray seek for direction from the Lord. Get a blessing.

[marshac]

Sometimes the plan for our life isn't clear to us and can even seem quite confusing. Personally, as I reflect back on my own life so far, I can see that some of the more difficult times were critical for making me the person I am today- without them, I wouldn't exist as I am now. Embrace your flaws, your mistakes, and realize that you're a wonderful person because of them- not in spite of them. Take the wisdom and insight you've gained from them, and move on to make better decisions in the future- you may find a reality more wonderful than your wildest dreams before.

Having said that, it sounds as though you're already making some hard decisions- like deciding to end and leave an abusive relationship. I commend you for your bravery, but also ask that you don't think that this somehow cheapens you as an individual, or makes you any less precious in heavenly father's eyes. You are his daughter and my sister, and we both love you. Hopefully you've talked to your Bishop, prayed, and exhausted all available opportunities before making the final decision to get a divorce, especially since you say you still love him. Assuming you have though, once it's done, you'll be free to pursue whatever path you feel is best.

I really want to go to the temple to get sealed, but a part of me feels that it will be a mistake if I go with my current husband that im getting divorced from.

Getting sealed in the temple shouldn't be the goal in and of itself- the goal should be what the vehicle of the sealing provides. If you're getting a divorce from your husband, why would you even want to toy with the idea of spending eternity with him?

I don't want to write what I think when I read your blessing- it really is meant for you- but I would encourage you to take a step back from everything that's going on, look at the direction of your life, and think about your blessing in that context- not from the rearview mirror full of "what-ifs" and "maybes"

I pray you find peace mkfreelancewriter

[baver3]

Reading your initial post was like reading the past 7 years of my life.

You said you are going through a divorce so it sounds like you have already made up your mind to not be married to him. In my opinion it doesnt matter at this point if you made a mistake. What is done is done and if you had babies with this man this situation would be A LOT STICKIER!

Dont think of the past 3 years as a mistake. JUST. MOVE. ON.

And when you finally get your divorce focus focus focus on your NEW goal to find a man that perhaps matches what Heavenly Father is intending for you (like in your Pat. blessing).

Counseling may be in order since you said you came from a dysfunctional family. Get yourself straight and prepare to meet this person who is going to take you to the temple. Like your blessing says, dont expect perfection. Understand that no one is perfect, even if they are or seem like they are. Dont go searching for someone perfect. Just let yourself be led by the spirit.

[ADoyle90815]

I think that being stuck with an abusive person for eternity is my idea of hell, but that's just me. There's no shame in divorcing someone who is abusive, as it's better than being murdered by him. I seriously recommend that you get counseling with someone who specializes in abuse recovery, as that will help you to realize that you do NOT deserve to be in an abusive marriage, and that it's NOT your fault. I found that therapy helped me to rebuild my self-esteem after leaving my abusive ex-husband. Also, it's best to get away from him before there are any children, as you can make a complete break from him, and not see or hear from him again. I consider myself blessed that I didn't have any children when I left my ex-husband, as I don't have anything to do with him anymore.

Edited April 24, 2010 by ADoyle90815

[mkfreelancewriter]

now I dont know what to say.im kinda tongue tied..im not a professional....I know their are alot of dysfunctional families out there. Im sorry your in this situation. Have you both had counseling??? Pray seek for direction from the Lord. Get a blessing.

He is court ordered anger management. We have been to some therapist sessions. The therapist isnt much of a help though. All she says is "that was then this is now" and dismisses everything. She even thinks that stats about domestic violence victims dying at the hands of their abusive husband is not accurate.

When she told me all of these things it just made me want to go crawl in a hole and never speak out about the abuse that he was doing to me. I felt that I couldnt trust her or something so I left.

[mkfreelancewriter]

Sometimes the plan for our life isn't clear to us and can even seem quite confusing. Personally, as I reflect back on my own life so far, I can see that some of the more difficult times were critical for making me the person I am today- without them, I wouldn't exist as I am now. Embrace your flaws, your mistakes, and realize that you're a wonderful person because of them- not in spite of them. Take the wisdom and insight you've gained from them, and move on to make better decisions in the future- you may find a reality more wonderful than your wildest dreams before.

Having said that, it sounds as though you're already making some hard decisions- like deciding to end and leave an abusive relationship. I commend you for your bravery, but also ask that you don't think that this somehow cheapens you as an individual, or makes you any less precious in heavenly father's eyes. You are his daughter and my sister, and we both love you. Hopefully you've talked to your Bishop, prayed, and exhausted all available opportunities before making the final decision to get a divorce, especially since you say you still love him. Assuming you have though, once it's done, you'll be free to pursue whatever path you feel is best.

Getting sealed in the temple shouldn't be the goal in and of itself- the goal should be what the vehicle of the sealing provides. If you're getting a divorce from your husband, why would you even want to toy with the idea of spending eternity with him?

I don't want to write what I think when I read your blessing- it really is meant for you- but I would encourage you to take a step back from everything that's going on, look at the direction of your life, and think about your blessing in that context- not from the rearview mirror full of "what-ifs" and "maybes"

I pray you find peace mkfreelancewriter

Thank you for your kindness and help. I appreciate your time writing such a long post. You have made me think about a few things. Im sending you you a PM

[mkfreelancewriter]

Reading your initial post was like reading the past 7 years of my life.

You said you are going through a divorce so it sounds like you have already made up your mind to not be married to him. In my opinion it doesnt matter at this point if you made a mistake. What is done is done and if you had babies with this man this situation would be A LOT STICKIER!

Dont think of the past 3 years as a mistake. JUST. MOVE. ON.

And when you finally get your divorce focus focus focus on your NEW goal to find a man that perhaps matches what Heavenly Father is intending for you (like in your Pat. blessing).

Counseling may be in order since you said you came from a dysfunctional family. Get yourself straight and prepare to meet this person who is going to take you to the temple. Like your blessing says, dont expect perfection. Understand that no one is perfect, even if they are or seem like they are. Dont go searching for someone perfect. Just let yourself be led by the spirit.

Thank you for being kind and advice. :)

[marshac]

He is court ordered anger management. We have been to some therapist sessions. The therapist isnt much of a help though. All she says is "that was then this is now" and dismisses everything. She even thinks that stats about domestic violence victims dying at the hands of their abusive husband is not accurate.

When she told me all of these things it just made me want to go crawl in a hole and never speak out about the abuse that he was doing to me. I felt that I couldnt trust her or something so I left.

Wow. Find a new therapist and possibly consider reporting her to her professional organization- maybe they can help remind her how serious abuse is.

[mkfreelancewriter]

I think that being stuck with an abusive person for eternity is my idea of hell, but that's just me. There's no shame in divorcing someone who is abusive, as it's better than being murdered by him. I seriously recommend that you get counseling with someone who specializes in abuse recovery, as that will help you to realize that you do NOT deserve to be in an abusive marriage, and that it's NOT your fault. I found that therapy helped me to rebuild my self-esteem after leaving my abusive ex-husband. Also, it's best to get away from him before there are any children, as you can make a complete break from him, and not see or hear from him again. I consider myself blessed that I didn't have any children when I left my ex-husband, as I don't have anything to do with him anymore.

I agree that I definately need a therapist that does specialize. My current therapist is very weird all she says all the time is "that was then this is now" and "stats about abusers aren't always correct" which makes me not want to speak to her since she almost takes the side of the abuser and NOT the VICTIM me.

[JudoMinja]

I haven't been on for a few days, so I hope any advice I have to offer isn't too late for you. I thought I'd share a little bit about myself, as hearing stories similar to our own can sometimes be helpful.

When I married my husband, he was a member of the church at least on record. In his heart, he just wanted to continue doing whatever he wanted to do and not have anyone pester him to "change". So really, though he'd been baptised, he wasn't committed to the church. I didn't realize this when I married him. He was an expert liar and had me fooled on many things.

He put me through all kinds of abuse in the year we were together. My confidence had been shattered so badly, if he wasn't going to kill me I would have killed myself committing suicide. The only reason I'm still alive is my son. We had a baby together, and when he couldn't control his temper around a child, I realized he was in danger. More important than self-preservation was preserving that innocent life, so I left.

I too have a patriarchal blessing stating that I will be married in the temple to a priesthood holder. There is no way that marriage is happening with this man. We are finishing up a divorce, and I want absolutely nothing to do with him. I do keep tabs on him, so that I know where he is and what he's doing, because if I don't I'll always be afraid he's coming after me. I know that he is now Wiccan, and he is still the same bitter angry person he always was.

This man you are separating yourself from is like my husband. You do not need to stay attached to him in any shape or form. You do not need to put up with abuse. You do not need to feel guilty about breaking it off. You trusted him, and he broke your trust. If anything, this can be a learning experience. You now know how NOT to do things. You have witnessed first-hand what a marriage should NOT be like. Now, with your hindsight and better judgment, you can find the man who will treat you the way you should be treated- the man you will be happy spending eternity with.

I hope this has been of some help to you, and if you have anymore questions or even just want someone you can vent to feel free to message me.

[Hemidakota]

I don't know where to start.. I guess I will start at the beginning... My husband and I have been married for nearly three years. I was weak when I married him. I gave up my dreams.. My dream has to always been sealed in the temple even if it meant to have a regular wedding outside of the church..

My husband is not mormon. He doesn't agree with the church. He once told me that he would join the church if it meant keeping me... I don't want him to join the church unless he wants to for HIMSELF and not because he wants to keep me.. We are in the middle of a divorce and I can't help but feel weird..

This is the part where I almost feel that I made a mistake in getting married. It says in my patriarchal blessing that I got from the Patriarch is the following:

"Now there will come into your life at the proper time a priesthood holder, a son of your father in heaven who will seek your hand in marriage. I bless you to not expect perfection but to work toward that goal. He will take you to the temple and there be sealed for time and for all eternity. Children will be born to your family. I bless you to be a good wife and mother"

I really do love my husband, but between things that have happened that were outright wrong and feeling cheated out of my dreams I almost feel like my marriage was a mistake since he isnt a mormon.

I don't know if I am crazy for wanting to follow my patriarchal blessing the best as possible or what. I want to find a man that knows how to treat a woman right and that hhas the same goals in life as me.

I just feel lost.. Do you have any advice? I really want to go to the temple to get sealed, but a part of me feels that it will be a mistake if I go with my current husband that im getting divorced from.

Thank you for your time.

I would recommend to you, make an appointment with your Bishop or Stake President.

[rameumptom]

If he was abusive, then you need to get out. Work on preparing yourself for a temple marriage. This may include therapy to manage your issues with childhood and this marriage.

Then prepare yourself to be the type of person a worthy priesthood holder would want to take to the temple. Unless you are truly prepared (prepared, not perfect), the blessing will not and cannot occur.

[dizzysmiles]

Don't read things into your blessings. You never know if he will one day accept the gospel in this life OR the next. Don't keep saying you gave up your dreams, you just made other plans. Find something that makes you happy, go visit a nursing home, kids with cancer, or do service for people around you that need help, this will make you happy. You CHOSE to marry him, stop feeling bad about that decision. It's been made. God still loves you and has a plan for you. Stop loathing on the "what if" and focus on the "What is." only person you can change is yourself, don't ruin what you have, and don't give up. Make him the happiest guy alive because you are his wife. Don't think about leaving to fulfill the dreams of your youth, find how to fulfill the dreams of now.

[dizzysmiles]

Wait, I didn't read the whole post before I posted, if he is in ANY Way shape or Form ABusive, THEN LEAVE NOW. I just thought you were regretting the choice of marrying him because you were reading into your blessing. That's totally different.