why i hate xbox

[kimiko]

So I was reading the posts here about gaming addiction, and it brought a few questions to mind. I'm wondering at one point does one reach the level of gaming addict? Is it having the constant need to play video games? Or is it determined by the number of hours you play? And what's the difference between just playing to help you distress and being an addict?

I'm asking because this is becoming a problem in my marriage, and I'm trying to figure out if it's just my problem or if my husband actually has a problem with gaming. And if the latter is the case, how do I address this in a way that will help him?

My husband is definitely not lazy and does not spend ALL his time playing video games. He works, is going to school, and helps out other people in our ward when he can, which takes up a lot of his time. However, in any spare time that he has, he chooses to play video games instead of doing things like studying scriptures or anything that will benefit himself spiritually. He will tell you that he doesn't play very often, so I started keeping track of his play time, and it's at least 3 times a week for several hours each time. On days that he plays, it's the first thing he does when he wakes up in the morning, and the last thing he does before going to bed. I don't know how long he plays in the morning because I leave for work, but I know he will play for at least 2-3 hours at night. Sometimes he will stay up until 3 or 4am playing.

But he never misses work and is doing fairly well with his school work. He hasn't even taken a sick day in well over a year. He tells me that he plays to help him relax. I guess it's his escape. So do I have a right to be upset with him for playing so much when he is still taking care of most of his responsibilities?

I'm really sick of it sounding like there's a war going on in our living room. He turns the volume up so loud, and when I ask him to turn it down, he tells me that it's not loud, which is really frustrating. When I can feel the vibrations from the rapid gun fire in the floor, then it's too loud!

Yesterday morning he said he would take our puppy out to potty while I was getting ready for work. When I came back in the living room, I found him on the couch playing a video game, and the puppy had pooped on the carpet right in front of him. He didn't even notice!! I mean, it was two feet away from him in between him and the television, and he didn't see it. How could he not see the dog pooping in front of him? Why didn't he take the puppy out BEFORE he started playing? I just don't understand this.

In addition, as I mentioned in an earlier post, my husband is currently disfellowshipped for breaking the law of chastity. The bishop and stake president have encouraged him to "step up." I'm just really not seeing that in him right now. I know he works hard, and I appreciate that, but I would really like to see him "step up" more in his church obligations and in our relationship. I'm tired of being told that he's "too tired" to do the things with me that he said he would and then spend the next 3 hours watching him play video games. How can I help him if he doesn't see this as a problem? Or is it just my problem and I need to get over it?

He will tell you that he wants to be a worthy priesthood leader, that he wants to be able to give his family blessings, that he wants to be sealed to me in the temple, that he wants to have a real career and earn money to support me and our future children. I would LOVE to see all these things. In fact, nothing would make me happier. Unfortunately, in my opinion it doesn't seem like he's on the right track to accomplish them. Maybe I just need to change my opinion?

[Hemidakota]

If you find the time, here is an article that was published last year concerning this alluring addiction - Video games.

LDS.org - Ensign Article - Just a Game?

[kimiko]

Thank you for the link. I read the article, but my husband doesn't really fall into those descriptions. He doesn't let playing video games effect his work. Although he could spend more time doing his school work, he still gets it done. He doesn't neglect his hygiene or anything like that. But he definitely neglects his home and church life. And this is the problem - it's MY opinion that he's neglecting home and church life. He doesn't see anything wrong with the amount of time he plays video games and tells me that he needs to play in order to prevent him from "going insane'" because he's overwhelmed with work and school. When I try to talk to him about this, he gets really defensive and talks about all the work that he does and how he needs some time to relax. So do I just need to accept that his way of relaxing is spending hours playing video games?

I printed this article out and plan to bring it to his attention.

[Dravin]

So do I have a right to be upset with him for playing so much when he is still taking care of most of his responsibilities?

Would you feel the same way if he was watching TV, or reading books (aside from books not being noisy)? I guess what I'm asking about what exactly is bothering you? Is it the amount of time or is it the activity?

I'm really sick of it sounding like there's a war going on in our living room. He turns the volume up so loud, and when I ask him to turn it down, he tells me that it's not loud, which is really frustrating. When I can feel the vibrations from the rapid gun fire in the floor, then it's too loud!

Headphones are your friend. Have him get a pair.

How could he not see the dog pooping in front of him?

He had his attention elsewhere. It happens and isn't unique to video games, I tend to lose track while cooking or reading and many a guy watching sports fails to notice things or forgets to do something before the game comes on. I can understand why it's frustrating though.

Of course I'd like to think I'd notice if a dog pooped in the living room right next to me. But I once failed to notice the end bell for school once because I was so engrossed in a book during Home Room so I guess I'll not know until it happens.

I'm tired of being told that he's "too tired" to do the things with me that he said he would and then spend the next 3 hours watching him play video games.

This probably isn't the case, but it takes a lot less energy to play a game then it does to say, go on a picnic or shopping. You are the one in the position to know if it's that kinda situation or just an excuse though, not I.

How can I help him if he doesn't see this as a problem?

The cold hard truth is you can't do much unless he wants something to be done. If he wants to play less and get out of the habit you can help him but if he sees nothing wrong with his activities, short of unrecommended manipulation you can't force him to do anything.

[Tarnished]

My husband and I have had problems in the past with video games. When we first got married I wished he wouldn't play video games so much. Finally I got fed up and figured, "If you can't beat them then join them." So I began to play games as well. Often we didn't get things done that we needed to. It finally took something where we both needed to spend more time on other things (moving, thus getting our house ready) that caused us to give up games for a good while. We are currently coming up on a year with no games in our lives and things are pretty good. So I would say find something to replace the game for him. But it has to be something he wants to do, otherwise it will be a battle to get him away from the game.

[Hemidakota]

What about Wii sports type game? :)

[Vanhin]

I play computer games. Quite a bit actually. But I usually wait until late at night when all my other priorities are taken care of, and the kids are in bed. By that time, my wife is usually veggin' out on the couch watching TV, and I wear headphones when I play. I use my play time to stay in touch with my other family members throughout the world, who play too. My little brother and I, for example, have become really close friends over the years because we have been able to hang out, even though we don't live near by.

I'm a computer geek, so anything having to do with computers, whether it be video games or just tinkering around at night learning something new, is one of my past times.

However, my favorite past time is studying and discussing the gospel and being engaged in the work of th Lord. I temper my love for computers and gaming with being a faithful husband and father, magnifying my callings, and ministering to my home teaching families. I spend an a lot of time with the boys scouts and missionaries (I go out with them at least once a week). But... sometimes I just like to play!

I think any activity can become a problem. I know someone who rides bikes competetively. He loves riding bikes, and sometimes he skips church because he is out riding his bike. There has been some concern, but just think if he was skipping church for video games how badly he would be condemned.

If your husband is truly in a mess with gaming, he knows it. He probably feels really bad about it too. I would suggest to him that he would feel better about himself, and things will improve, if he takes care of all the important things first in his life. Take some time to study the scriptures, help out around the house, serve people, etc... Then playing games can be the reward. And get him some nice headphones. It will actually improve his ability to locate his enemies by "sound".

Regards,

Vanhin

[Vanhin]

Kimiko,

Is this what you mean?

Regards,

Vanhin

[kimiko]

Kimiko,

Is this what you mean?

Regards,

Vanhin

Haha, yes! That is exactly what happens. Except that I bought the xbox for him as a Christmas gift. ::insert smilie smacking its forehead::

[Wingnut]

::insert smilie smacking its forehead::

[kimiko]

Would you feel the same way if he was watching TV, or reading books (aside from books not being noisy)? I guess what I'm asking about what exactly is bothering you? Is it the amount of time or is it the activity?

I think it's more of the amount of time that upsets me than the actual activity, but the fact that this particular activity he has chosen is really annoying for me makes the situation more difficult. I completely understand that he needs to have some type of hobby to help him relax. I just wish it was something more... useful, like exercising or leaning a new skill or further developing a talent he has or studying scriptures, instead of preparing for a zombie apocalypse or a sniper in a fictitious war.

And it's frustrating to me when he complains about never having enough time and that he wants to spend more time with me, but he can't because of work and school, and then I will see him spend HOURS playing video games. To me that just says, "Honey, I really don't want to spend time with you right now but instead of being honest with you about that, I'm going to get your hopes up and tell you we will do things together so you can be disappointed when I play video games instead."

[kimiko]

Thanks!

[kimiko]

What about Wii sports type game? :)

You know, we have Wii Sports, Wii Fit, and Wii Fit Plus, none of which have been played in months. Wii Fit Plus hasn't even been opened. I have tried countless times to get him to play these games with me. He actually did a few times, but the play time didn't last longer than 15 minutes. Basically, he doesn't want to do anything that requires him to exert energy.

[Hemidakota]

That was my point. We have this game and after 30-minutes, the kids go outside and do something else. :)

[Vanhin]

I think it's more of the amount of time that upsets me than the actual activity, but the fact that this particular activity he has chosen is really annoying for me makes the situation more difficult. I completely understand that he needs to have some type of hobby to help him relax. I just wish it was something more... useful, like exercising or leaning a new skill or further developing a talent he has or studying scriptures, instead of preparing for a zombie apocalypse or a sniper in a fictitious war.

And it's frustrating to me when he complains about never having enough time and that he wants to spend more time with me, but he can't because of work and school, and then I will see him spend HOURS playing video games. To me that just says, "Honey, I really don't want to spend time with you right now but instead of being honest with you about that, I'm going to get your hopes up and tell you we will do things together so you can be disappointed when I play video games instead."

Yeah sounds like there is a problem there. I wish I could talk to him. I went through a similar phase in my life.

However, you never know when there is going to be a Zombie Apocalypse. You will be grateful for his l33t skills then...

Put the bug in his ear to get a real gun and the both of you can go to the range together. You would be surprised at how fun that can be. The first time I took my wife shooting (which is another one of my favorite pastimes) was on one of our anniversaries. She was a natural target shooter (put me to shame actually).

Regards,

Vanhin

[kimiko]

However, you never know when there is going to be a Zombie Apocalypse. You will be grateful for his l33t skills then...

Regards,

Vanhin

Ha, yea I'll probably eat my words one day.

Put the bug in his ear to get a real gun and the both of you can go to the range together. You would be surprised at how fun that can be. The first time I took my wife shooting (which is another one of my favorite pastimes) was on one of our anniversaries. She was a natural target shooter (put me to shame actually).

Regards,

Vanhin

I love, love, love going to the shooting range. Our problem with that right now is that we only have one gun and it tends to jam... a lot. I really want a Glock 19, and I'm working on getting my carry permit.

[Dravin]

I just wish it was something more... useful, like exercising or leaning a new skill or further developing a talent he has or studying scriptures, instead of preparing for a zombie apocalypse or a sniper in a fictitious war.

Technically he is learning a new skill, it just involves pushing buttons. :) We all need some silly time (some being the key here). I know you are responding to me and not to him but in my experience (particularly as someone who gamed rather heavily [PC]) communicating you think his hobby is silly or stupid is likely to backfire. I'd stick with wanting to spend time with him or other responsibilities needing attention. It's possible he doesn't realize how important quality time together is to you.

Edited July 1, 2010 by Dravin

[Vanhin]

I love, love, love going to the shooting range. Our problem with that right now is that we only have one gun and it tends to jam... a lot. I really want a Glock 19, and I'm working on getting my carry permit.

Haha, nice. That's half the battle! You like guns! Is he into guns?

Pick up an AR-15 ($800 - $1600) or an AK-47 ($400 - $900), that might peak his interest. Save up for it and get a bunch of ammo too.

Regards,

Vanhin

[rameumptom]

Instead of confronting him directly about it, talk to him about plans to do something fun together during some of his game playing time. Get out a board game, go bowling, biking, or something together for a portion of that time.

In this way, he is weaned a little from the gaming, and you get some quality fun time with him.

[Vanhin]

Technically he is learning a new skill, it just involves pushing buttons. :) We all need some silly time (some being the key here). I know you are responding to me and not to him but in my experience (particularly as someone who gamed rather heavily [PC]) communicating you think his hobby is silly or stupid is likely to backfire. I'd stick with wanting to spend time with him or other responsibilities needing attention. It's possible he doesn't realize how important quality time together is to you.

Exactly!

[kimiko]

Technically he is learning a new skill, it just involves pushing buttons. :) We all need some silly time (some being the key here). I know you are responding to me and not to him but in my experience (particularly as someone who gamed rather heavily [PC]) communicating you think his hobby is silly or stupid is likely to backfire.

I think Vanhin has a good idea with shooting or some other activity you can both enjoy. It's not more fair to you for him to require you play games with him if he wants to spend time with you then you require he spend time doing something he isn't interested in (you should have something in common as you managed to survive dating and got married). BTW, it's possible he doesn't realize how important quality time together is to you.

I definitely agree we all need silly time. I make purses, wallets, and abstract art out of duct tape. That's pretty darn silly.

I really, really wouldn't have a problem at all with him playing video games if it didn't take away from him growing spiritually and us being together.

This wasn't a problem before we got married because the xbox had not come into our lives yet. And honestly if I had known this would be a problem, I would have still married him because even with these struggles, he's still the one for me.

I guess he knew this has been bothering me because today he said I looked depressed. I said, "No, I'm just a little sad." And he responded with, "You feel neglected." So he IS aware, at least to some extent...

[Dravin]

Haha, nice. That's half the battle! You like guns! Is he into guns?

Pick up an AR-15 ($800 - $1600) or an AK-47 ($400 - $900), that might peak his interest. Save up for it and get a bunch of ammo too.

Regards,

Vanhin

Or pick up one of those Mosin-Nagants that go on sale regularly... sorry, my own personal gun geekness is showing. Actually they aren't as cool but picking up a plinker (.22 LR) at some point isn't a bad idea either, a brick of .22 LR is it's own special kind of cheap.

[Vanhin]

Or pick up one of those Mosin-Nagants that go on sale regularly... sorry, my own personal gun geekness is showing. Actually they aren't as cool but picking up a plinker (.22 LR) at some point isn't a bad idea either, a brick of .22 LR is it's own special kind of cheap.

Oh yeah, no doubt. .22's are super fun and cheap. Or even an SKS as a cheap vintage option.

Vanhin

[kimiko]

Instead of confronting him directly about it, talk to him about plans to do something fun together during some of his game playing time. Get out a board game, go bowling, biking, or something together for a portion of that time.

In this way, he is weaned a little from the gaming, and you get some quality fun time with him.

This is what I've tried to do and wherein a big problem lies. We WILL make plans for things like that. Sometimes he will even suggest them without me mentioning it first. But when the time comes to actually do them, he plays the "I'm too tired card," and retreats to the xbox. And other times he will tell me we can do something fun together as soon as gets to the next save point. So I will be sitting there ready to go, waiting and waiting, but he fails to mention that the next save point is at least an hour away. By the time he eventually quits, I'm so disappointed. And when I get disappointed with him, he just walks away because apparently there's "no point in trying."

[kimiko]

Oh yeah, no doubt. .22's are super fun and cheap. Or even an SKS as a cheap vintage option.

Vanhin

.22's may be cheap, but I think they're a bit boring. There's just not enough power. It's like driving a Smart Car when you could have an STI.