why i hate xbox

[Guest]

Well I couldn't have actually thrown it out. I've considered hiding it very well though, or at least taking the power cable. But I know he wouldn't appreciate me expressing my frustration like that, so I haven't done it.

This is actually a deep statement.

Let's flesh this out some... you know he wouldn't appreciate that kind of expression of your frustration - that's good. That means you know your husband very well that you can predict his reactions.

So, take that further into... how can you express your frustration in a way that he can appreciate? We don't know your husband, so we can't really answer that.

What's troubling with your story is that he knows it is a problem, you have done a lot of things to show him it is a problem, he acknowledges it is a problem, yet he can't help it but still engage in the problem. That screams addiction to me.

With my husband, he refused to see it as a problem - either he just didn't see it, or he was in denial of it. The moment I made it so he had no choice but to see the problem, he immediately stopped.

Addictions are a lot harder to solve. But hey, I'm not a psychologist or anything!

[kimiko]

Hmm, I think you might be on to something here. I know exactly how NOT to show my frustration, but I really don't know how to express it to him in a way that will sink in his head and make him change the situation.

[Guest]

Hmm, I think you might be on to something here. I know exactly how NOT to show my frustration, but I really don't know how to express it to him in a way that will sink in his head and make him change the situation.

Do you think you can solve this puzzle by observation/learning? You can start with just this particular puzzle before tackling anything bigger. Try checking into those books that were mentioned a while back.

I hate to have to say check with a marriage counselor (it makes it sound like you're on the brink of divorce) but it just might be that that's your best option.

Keep us posted!

[kimiko]

Well we already have a marriage counselor (not because we're near divorce but because we want to prevent ever reaching that point), so this will be something I bring up at our next appointment. Thanks for the suggestions!

[Dravin]

I didn't catch this the first time. I'm unmarried so I have to speak in the hypothetical but:

Now, let me ask you, Dravin - do you spend all your free time doing YOUR thing that your wife doesn't like?

Probably won't, but then I don't spend all my free time doing any one thing. Certainly not for a years worth. I'm diverse enough that I could probably find something mutually enjoyable. I'm curious, why is it important that my wife does or doesn't like it? Do you mean she can enjoy that particular hobby (that she can enjoy it doesn't mean we necessarily do it together)? Or do you mean she doesn't like that I'm doing that hobby in preference to spending needed time with her?

Or would you rather spend some of that time doing stuff with your wife?

I would rather spend time doing both, spending free time with just myself doing my thing and some with her, even if we happen to have simular enough interests that I could spend all of it with her. Alone time is a good thing. That said it shouldn't be the only thing.

Now, if you spend all your free time doing YOUR thing and your wife tells you to let up on it, do you do it? I would venture that you would say YES.

Assuming it has merit yes, at any rate merit or not it would have to be worked through. Whether she simply perceives it or it actually has merit there will be a strain on the relationship.

Now, say you got temporary insanity and did not let up on it... now your wife threw out your PlayStation, don't you think YOU deserved it?

Nope. Also, talk of deserving it does not bolster your case that it isn't about punishment, control and/or revenge. Additionally keep in mind if I'm temporarily insane I'm not seeing the problem. If I could come home and see the console missing and think: "You know what, I've been neglecting her. This is not a power-play but an honest attempt to remove something detrimental to our relationship from the environment and engender honest and meaningful communication about the issue" I'm fairly sure it wouldn't have gotten to that point to begin with.

In fact this is a hypothetical without me being mired in the situation and I'm not thinking that.

It is not a power play.

Throwing away 'my' posessions while I'm away from the house is a power play. It is an attempt to exercise control over me, and even worse it is an atempt to do so when I can't respond or defend against it. It is an attempt to hold my posessions and things I consider important hostage to the threat that "I can throw them out when your back is turned" in order to bring me to heel.

Let's just say I am not your husband and throwing out my possessions (strangely I'm okay with your alcohol example, or if say I had a stack of Playboys that you'd told me I need to get rid of because you don't want filth in our home*) would not be a way to express your frustrations in a way I could appreciate, quite the opposite.

*From the inside I'd probably have issues, but outside looking at a hypothetical I'm more understanding.

Edited July 2, 2010 by Dravin

[crazypotato]

Kimiko,

As a woman married to a guy who loves, loves, loves computer gaming, I feel your pain.

Reading through all the posts here, I really appreciate the male comments on here. I think they are giving you really good advice. Nothing against the females advice, either, but women think differently than men, so often a woman's feelings are hurt by her man gaming all the time, and the man is not trying to hurt her feelings, he is just thinking about his gaming.

Men, correct me if I am wrong, but I have learned that men don't really like to have little talks with their wives about something the wife is annoyed with. Instead, suggesting an alternative activity like going to a shooting range and shooting together is an awesome idea! My husband LOVES doing this. It's great because you drive there together, when you are out of ammo you have to stop, and then you have to leave and come home, where with gaming, you can go for hours and hours and hours. Plus the shooting range is also a good way to relieve stress, but something you are doing together, and you both get earplugs.

Also, men on here have said that they see little talks as nagging, and sad faces as disappointed in them. I fully agree. My husband is very sensitive to my facial expression and tone of voice. If he looks at my face and it looks angry and my tone is irritated, his brain says to him, "oh-oh! your wife is mad and she is getting ready to tell you something that she doesn't like about you again."

And men need admiration for what they are doing right in the marriage. The kinder I am to my husband and the less I point out what annoys me, the less he seems to need to be on the computer doing gaming. He naturally starts coming over to hang out with me because I don't look annoyed or irritated, so it is safe to come out.

The women who are gaming widows also need to remember that if our husbands are neglecting any of their duties, to never cover their butts for them, because then they are not as motivated to get off their butts.

Also, one more thing. My husband doesn't like clingy. I don't think normal family times are clingy, but anyway. . . If I stop pushing him to spend time with me, and go on with my business, often he wanders away from the computer and wants to spend time with me.

[crazypotato]

I didn't catch this the first time. I'm unmarried so I have to speak in the hypothetical but:

Probably won't, but then I don't spend all my free time doing any one thing. Certainly not for a years worth. I'm diverse enough that I could probably find something mutually enjoyable. I'm curious, why is it important that my wife does or doesn't like it? Do you mean she can enjoy that particular hobby (that she can enjoy it doesn't mean we necessarily do it together)? Or do you mean she doesn't like that I'm doing that hobby in preference to spending needed time with her?

I would rather spend time doing both, spending free time with just myself doing my thing and some with her, even if we happen to have simular enough interests that I could spend all of it with her. Alone time is a good thing. That said it shouldn't be the only thing.

Assuming it has merit yes, at any rate merit or not it would have to be worked through. Whether she simply perceives it or it actually has merit there will be a strain on the relationship.

Nope. Also, talk of deserving it does not bolster your case that it isn't about punishment, control and/or revenge. Additionally keep in mind if I'm temporarily insane I'm not seeing the problem. If I could come home and see the console missing and think: "You know what, I've been neglecting her. This is not a power-play but an honest attempt to remove something detrimental to our relationship from the environment and engender honest and meaningful communication about the issue" I'm fairly sure it wouldn't have gotten to that point to begin with.

In fact this is a hypothetical without me being mired in the situation and I'm not thinking that.

Throwing away 'my' posessions while I'm away from the house is a power play. It is an attempt to exercise control over me, and even worse it is an atempt to do so when I can't respond or defend against it. It is an attempt to hold my posessions and things I consider important hostage to the threat that "I can throw them out when your back is turned" in order to bring me to heel.

Let's just say I am not your husband and throwing out my possessions (strangely I'm okay with your alcohol example, or if say I had a stack of Playboys that you'd told me I need to get rid of because you don't want filth in our home*) would not be a way to express your frustrations in a way I could appreciate, quite the opposite.

*From the inside I'd probably have issues, but outside looking at a hypothetical I'm more understanding.

Dravin,

My husband is the same way. He doesn't like to feel like I am in a power struggle with him. He hates being threatened or pushed (doesn't everyone?) I have never thrown his stuff out, but I have gotten into power struggles with him before and I am sorry that I did, because even if someone is doing something harmful to a marriage, a power play, in my experience, may help in the short term but causes long term, maybe unspoken resentment towards the spouse.

[crazypotato]

As for religious stuff,

Imagine someone kept telling you, "we need to read the scripture together. We have to pray together right now. You need to get ready for church now. Did you do your home teaching yet this month?"

This is very annoying to hear. I am not saying that you do that. I am not saying that it is wrong to wish your husband was more into the churchy, spiritual stuff.

But as a spouse, we have to be extra careful to not be the church or spiritual police. We hear in church all the time that the way to have the most happiness in a marriage and family is to pray together, go to the temple together, have family home evening and scripture study, and then it is so hard when our spouses aren't really into it much or at all. We feel like because of their lack of desire to do those things, they are hurting our marriage. While this is true in a way, it is also harmful to a marriage to judge ourselves as better than our spouses if we are more churchy, or be angry and nag or cry or anything to them about doing those things.

Try and remember that spouses are adults and can make their own religious decisions, and that setting an example and then genuinely not judging them for not doing the church stuff is the Lord's way. You can still ask or invite them to do things with you like pray, but not constantly, maybe every once in awhile. Trying to push them into doing stuff is not the Lord's way. Spouses don't like to have their negative traits focused on. None of us do. We need to try and focus on the positive and good in our spouses, because the Lord doesn't look at us and see only our faults, but he sees our divine potential and always is filled with hope in us.

Edited July 2, 2010 by crazypotato

[Moksha]

However, you never know when there is going to be a Zombie Apocalypse.

Regards,

Vanhin

Good point, I'm going to scatter some plasma mines around the walkways just to be safe.

My grown son has achieved the highest ranking on World of Warcraft. Chatting with others online during game play is his major link to the outside world. One realization I have made is that as addictions go, this one is probably the easiest to live with as a parent.

.

[Tarnished]

My grown son has achieved the highest ranking on World of Warcraft. Chatting with others online during game play is his major link to the outside world. One realization I have made is that as addictions go, this one is probably the easiest to live with as a parent.

When you say, "the highest ranking" what exactly do you mean? Do you mean that he has reached level 80? Do you mean that he has gotten all the L33T gear he could? Does it mean that he is ranked as top in battlegrounds? WoW is sort of difficult to reach the highest ranking on as there are so many different ways you can do that. Just wondering as a former WoW addict who still has withdrawl symptoms.

[Vanhin]

Good point, I'm going to scatter some plasma mines around the walkways just to be safe.

And lots of (I mean lots) of ammo. Those buggers just keep coming at you.

Vanhin

[Moksha]

I don't have the inside scoop on the game, but 80 sounds like something he has mentioned. I know he likes to get together with an established troop of fellow aficionados and complete quests - they even arrange times on line together. He has more than one character. I have watched him as a healer.

Talking computers and games together is one way I have found to relate to him. His interests seem to be focused on these two items. I suppose the ammo and weapons are in that large bin he opens. I have never played that game. However, I do have a testimony that Fallout 3 is the one true game.