don't take it personally

[Gwen]

found this interesting food for thought.

Don’t Take It Personally! - Don Miguel Ruiz and Don Jose Ruiz - Heal Your Life

People live in their own world, in their own movie, in their own story. They invest all their faith in that story, and that story is truth for them, but it’s a relative truth, because it’s not truth for you. Now you can see that all their opinions about you really concern the character who lives in their movie, not in yours. The one who they are judging in your name is a character they create. Whatever people think of you is really about the image they have of you, and that image isn’t you.

.....

You don’t have to concern yourself with other people’s points of view. Once you can see that nothing others say or do is about you, it doesn’t matter who gossips about you, who blames you, who rejects you, who disagrees with your point of view.

Don’t take it personally is a beautiful tool of interaction with your own kind, human to human. And it’s a big ticket to personal freedom because you no longer have to rule your life according to other people’s opinions. This really frees you! You can do whatever you want to do, knowing that whatever you do has nothing to do with anyone but you. The only person who needs to be concerned about the story of you is you.

there are many facets of life i could see this being a poor way of dealing with the world. but probably more often than not could be effectively and safely applied. not saying it's 100% right or wrong or even what i "believe". it's just what i said it was with the first sentence, food for thought.

[Dravin]

I'll just go with: If they can't see that I'm perfect they are obviously too flawed to for my to both with caring about their opinion.

It serves me decently well.

Edited October 13, 2010 by Dravin

[NeuroTypical]

you no longer have to rule your life according to other people’s opinions. This really frees you!

This resonates with me - I spent the first quarter century of my life not knowing who or what I was, seeking out others' opinions on which to base my sense of self.

Now - just no longer caring what everyone else thinks about you - that's not really the answer. The answer is to develop a strong, defined sense of self - one you're willing to defend against opposing opinions. I started doing that around age 26, and the process wasn't really complete until in my 30's. Actually, it's never really complete - it's just that if someone is thinking I ought to do/be different, I pretty much always have an answer for why I'm doing/being what I am in the first place. And it takes pretty decent convincing to get me to change these days. It still happens, but not as often as it used to.

And it's important to hold some peoples opinions about you in high regard. Otherwise, you run the risk of becoming a smug self-righteous insufferable jerk. (Or at least coming across like one.) Some might be reading this from me, and rolling their eyes, because I just described myself. I'm ocassionaly in partial agreement with these people, hence my self-effacing screen name and avatar.

LM

Edited October 13, 2010 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[Guest Alana]

Can I just take the good opinions "Oh, Alana, you're such a nice person!" and leave the rest? That'd work for me.

[applepansy]

I find it interesting. Instead of viewing this as "people don't know the real me," I will apply it as "I don't know the real person I'm interacting with."

[Gwen]

I find it interesting. Instead of viewing this as "people don't know the real me," I will apply it as "I don't know the real person I'm interacting with."

i also pondered the reverse aspect of it. how taking that approach might change how we address others.

[Maureen]

You can do whatever you want to do, knowing that whatever you do has nothing to do with anyone but you.

This can be true in some instances but in other ways, there can be many things we do that can affect others.

M.

[Gwen]

i agree maureen, that's why i said i could see many facets of life this wouldn't be good. if i decide i want to go and beat someone up because i don't like the color of their skin that obviously effects more than me.

i must say the don't take it personally is very very hard for me. i guess that's why i found so much with it to think on.

for me i see it applying in an internal dialog way rather than the external actions. like i grew up hearing snide comments about fat ppl. i wasn't over weight as a kid, these comments were not directed at me. but they were directed at loved ones and came from loved ones. as i was growing and developing it created an internal dialog for me. it didn't show up till i had kids and put on some weight. even though i hated the comments i heard growing up and did not believe fat ppl were less in any way i caught myself seeing myself as less now that i was fat. the "don't take it personally" way of thinking i think could help with this kind of past.

another aspect of it i think i've been working on for awhile is i frequently tell myself "keep driving, just keep driving" over and over till i can let something go. lol this comes from an experience i had coming back from girls camp a few yrs ago. we were all in the van and we decided to stop for lunch, the leader driving was not the owner of the van (she was in the passenger seat). the driver was not used to such a long van and she clipped the back of the van on one of those concrete poles in the parking lot. you could tell the driver felt horrible for it. the first reaction was to jump out and inspect. the owner of the van stopped her and said, "go park". she wasn't upset or stressed, her tone was as if it hadn't happened. we parked, everyone jumped out to go inspect but the owner of the van. she got out and went in to get lunch. when lunch was over she got back in the car, never mentioning it during lunch. i have no idea when she finally inspected it but it was not in view of me. it really didn't matter. i was in disbelief of this. that's the kind of thing i would feel sick over, beat myself up for weeks over. how could i be so stupid as to bump into that pole? well some time later i got the chance to bump a pole in a bank parking lot. i stopped started to jump out and inspect and then remembered that day. i thought, getting out and inspecting won't change anything right now. will only draw attention to me. just keep driving. so i pulled out of the parking lot and went home before i looked. i was very surprised how it changed things for me. a fender bender isn't personal. it's not a personal insult. it doesn't define me. it doesn't make me stupid. it's a part of this life, it happens. just keep driving.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

Actually, I believe this to be true. We can't help what other people perceive us. Granted, on the one hand, if we behave in a certain way that causes someone to see us as we are, or even perceive and interpret as we are, then we are the one's giving them that false impression.

For instance, if we are ungrateful through our actions, people are going to perceive us as being ungrateful, and thereby judge us accordingly. Are they wrong? Not at all. The reason being is that this is consistent behavior.

Remember, the scriptures say that by their fruits you shall know them. No one can read our minds, no one can understand the depths of our feelings. Yet, what fruits we produce tells our story to others.

However, despite our behavior (whether good or bad) people will already have preconceive notions. This could be based upon what other's may say. While we are not perfect, we should not rely upon other people's perceptions. For instance, in order to get good grades, do we rely upon other people's efforts? We will never learn anything. However, if we rely upon our own intellectual understanding and perform the necessary work, then we gain knowledge, understanding, experience, and learn from our own mistakes.

By allowing ourselves to dictate our lives around what others think of us, then we are giving them authority and control in our lives. We will be ineffective as innovators, limit our ability to think critically, and place ourselves under mental enslavement to their expectations. We begin to have a miserable existence because we are too busy participating in the dog and pony show for other's pure pleasure and entertainment.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I think this advice holds when people hold a judgment against you that isn't true. I usually am open to feedback about my weaknesses, and usually seek third party reality checks when people give me really nasty judgments. Usually my wife, a close friend, and maybe someone in my Church or work circle who I trust.

Then I make a decision.....

Recently a high ranking senior manager kicked my foot while I was sitting silently in a meeting a work, and then stared, stony faced, at the front of the room when I looked at him for clarification. Totally disrespectful, even if there was something in my posture or something else that needed correcting.

I reached the conclusion that I don't give two hoots about what he thought given the manner in which he communicated the message (ambiguously or disrespectuflly). That for me, is a good time to not care what others think. To assume what he meant -- I would only be guessing.