Trying to save my marriage!

[wash_ma]

Near the end of my mission in a foreign country, I had broke the law of chastity with a girl, who I found out a couple years later (and about a couple of months after I got married) that the child she bore could be mine. I kept this a secret from everyone until recently when I confessed to my wife, bishop and stake president. I am currently going through the repentance process, but nothing can be done in regards to church discipline and the future of my marriage until we complete a paternity test. My wife has expressed that she will leave if the child is mine, but if not she will stay.

We are trying to figure out what is the Church's stance on this situation and my responsibility to the child? Do I have to provide just financially for the child, or am I required to have a relationship with the child?

Please help.

[FunkyTown]

Near the end of my mission in a foreign country, I had broke the law of chastity with a girl, who I found out a couple years later (and about a couple of months after I got married) that the child she bore could be mine. I kept this a secret from everyone until recently when I confessed to my wife, bishop and stake president. I am currently going through the repentance process, but nothing can be done in regards to church discipline and the future of my marriage until we complete a paternity test. My wife has expressed that she will leave if the child is mine, but if not she will stay.

We are trying to figure out what is the Church's stance on this situation and my responsibility to the child? Do I have to provide just financially for the child, or am I required to have a relationship with the child?

Please help.

First of all... You can choose to do anything you want. You can not choose the consequences of those actions.

Secondly, as much pain as you are in right now, you are showing a remarkable lack of empathy. If this child is yours, you have created a life and are now worried about how it will affect you. That is selfish and self-centered in the extreme. Here is how what you're saying comes across:

"When I was on my mission, I slept with a girl. Now I could be a father! Do I have to actually emotionally support the little guy or can I just toss him a few bucks now and then? Would people judge me if I didn't?"

Honestly, I think you sound like you would make a terrible father. The child will desperately want to know his dad, however, so that's not up to me.

Grow up. If you're a Daddy, you need to take responsibility. If you're looking at the child as a burden, then you are acting like an emotionally stunted 8 year old with no understanding of how precious everyone is.

What I hope you will get from this is a slap in the face that wakes you up, but based upon how you've reacted to all of this so far, I suspect you'll just go in to a 'woe is me' self-defense mechanism where you're just offended.

[wash_ma]

FunkyTown,

I appreciate your insight and your blunt response to my inquiry. I am willing to and want to take full responsibility for my actions and consequences for those actions. The dilemma is that my wife wants nothing to do with this child and doesn't want our children to have anything to do with this child. So how do I balance both of these situations is my question and crossroad.

[FunkyTown]

FunkyTown,

I appreciate your insight and your blunt response to my inquiry. I am willing to and want to take full responsibility for my actions and consequences for those actions. The dilemma is that my wife wants nothing to do with this child and doesn't want our children to have anything to do with this child. So how do I balance both of these situations is my question and crossroad.

You can not. Quite simply: Your wife will do what she does.

The only thing you can do is sit her down and say, 'I love you. I want to make this marriage work, but I have to take responsibility. Would I be the type of man you would want to be with if I were the type to abandon my child?"

She will have to admit that she would not.

At that point, humility, love and understanding is the only thing that can save your marriage. Tell her that you understand. Tell her that you love her and want the marriage to work, but that if she feels she has to leave you can understand. She will yell. She will scream. You will want to defend yourself.

Don't. Meekness and humility are the order of the day. She will say you were stupid. Agree. She will say you were reckless. Agree. Let her vent. When she calms down, the only thing you can do is tell her that you can't change the past but that if you are called to, you will be both Father and Husband to the best of your ability. She will still most likely be upset.

That's okay. She'll calm down and make a decision based upon how your marriage has gone so far. If she's looking for a way out at that point, she may take it. Or she may not.

[hordak]

Personally i think your wife is being a bit, over the top on the situation.

Her decision to remain married to you should be based on whether or not she loves you, or if she can forgive you assuming you slept with this girl while you were "with" your current wife.

Hinging her marriage on whether or not you have consequences for your actions, while accepting the action itself, at least enough to stay wed, seems a bit immature.

Reminds me of, for lack of a better analogy, those mafia wives who are with the husbands though the crimes but leave them after they are caught and go to jail as if it is the consequence and not the crime that is the problem.

I think you need to explain this to her, in a better more compassionate way, that if she is going to be with you it must be because she loves you. She might be set to leave if the child is yours, because it is a reminder of the action, while without this reminder she believes she can forget, but

You don't want to find out 2 or 3 years from now that she still resents you for this action, even without the child to remind her

[FunkyTown]

I think you need to explain this to her, in a better more compassionate way, that if she is going to be with you it must be because she loves you. She might be set to leave if the child is yours, because it is a reminder of the action, while without this reminder she believes she can forget, but

You don't want to find out 2 or 3 years from now that she still resents you for this action, even without the child to remind her

This happened during his mission, before they met and married. It has only now become apparent.

It could be that she wants to be a wife and mother and isn't prepared to be a mother to a child that isn't hers.

There are many men who won't date women who already have kids and won't marry women who have kids. Why is it wrong for the woman to realize she had been lied to and put in a situation she never would have chosen?

Regardless, it isn't helpful to get him focusing on her faults. If he brings up something like that, you can practically guarantee that the conversation won't end well.

[hordak]

This happened during his mission, before they met and married. It has only now become apparent.

It could be that she wants to be a wife and mother and isn't prepared to be a mother to a child that isn't hers.

There are many men who won't date women who already have kids and won't marry women who have kids. Why is it wrong for the woman to realize she had been lied to and put in a situation she never would have chosen?

Regardless, it isn't helpful to get him focusing on her faults. If he brings up something like that, you can practically guarantee that the conversation won't end well.

There is a big difference between, a women with kids, an a man who has a kid with another women in a foreign country.

And i'm not saying it is wrong, (though i do find it immature) she has every right to feel how she feels. What i'm saying is he must know why she feels like she does.

Not wanting to have anything to do with the child indicates she doesn't want to be a mother to another child, Not wants her future kids to have anything to do with this child indicates a resentment to the consequence of the action.

[Gwen]

how many children do you have with your wife? how old is the child from your mission now? how long have you known you might have a kid and kept it a secret? why are you now all of a sudden wanting to know for sure if it's yours or not?

i do think these things matter. i'm not fully following the situation. i agree with the point that your wife needs to ponder some things. she's ok with your sin, she's ok with the secrets, etc but she's not ok with your taking responsibility for them? i agree with ft you need to ponder some things. avoiding responsibility won't help either of you. if the child is in a foreign country is several years old then it may be best not to just show up in their life. what is their life like right now? can you make it better? there may not be anything for you to do and not sure how it really effects your wife.

i just really can't relate to the logic that has been expressed for either of you. my husband was married before we met, he has a son from that marriage. i would have refused to marry him if he were being a dead beat dad. the fact that he was being a stand up dad and taking responsibility for choices is what made a lot of the past forgivable for me. i would suggest some counseling for the both of you to figure out the emotions behind the logic you are using. i would guess those emotions will come back later to hurt your marriage no matter the choice you make today. and yes i used the word guess on purpose, that's all i can do is guess, there are a lot of facts i don't know and i'm not a professional.

[Bini]

Here's a perspective from a woman's and wife's point of view..

I would be heartbroken to discover such news, as your wife has recently learned. Having said that, I would also know that I cannot hold blame on my husband for mistakes he had done in his past, especially if he were repenting of them. Yes that's easier said than done. To this day, I don't enjoy the occasional thoughts that pop-up in my head of other women that my husband has been with prior to our marriage but it is what it is. I have my own flaws. In regards to this out of wedlock child, I too would not want anything to do with it. Those emotions and feelings are just as valid as yours in feeling obligated to do something. As pointed out, you cannot choose your consequences to your actions. If the child is yours, it would seem responsible to aide it financially to some degree. However, I don't think that you MUST or are required to be apart of this child's life. If you choose to be (and the biological mother agrees), then that is your decision but you cannot expect your wife to also be apart of this. If she chooses to keep herself distant and protect your children from this outside affair — that is absolutely reasonable in my opinion. I would do the exact same thing. But I would never leave my husband because of it. I would know that my husband LOVES me. He loves OUR children. I would do my best to understand the situation and accept my husband's decision to remain in contact with his illegitimate child but we (me and our kids) would remain out of the picture.

[Bini]

I agree with some of the points Gwen has made.

Sometimes it's better to NOT get involved in a child's life depending on the circumstances. Of course, if you are obligated through certain legal terms etc etc, you'll have to abide by those. But waltzing into a life that has been abandoned for X amount of years is not always the best decision either. Also, sometimes women will seek after biological father's when they decide they need money. That sounds harsh but it's true.

[Bini]

Sorry I keep adding comments but I just thought of yet another thing..

I was abandoned by BOTH my biological father and mother as an infant. I had NO financial aide of ANY kind or love even. I was fortunate to be rescued by some locals in a small town (yes I sound like an abandoned dog) and eventually I was taken in by some church members who helped me get adopted. This happened in one of the most poverty stricken countries in the world, the Philippines. I was so BLESSED that this happened because I was taken in by a wonderful family that gave me a wonderful life. God may have a different plan all together. There may be a family unit out there that can provide all the love etc etc in the world to this child. And YOU may not be apart of that picture. Just another perspective.

[Wingnut]

Secondly, as much pain as you are in right now, you are showing a remarkable lack of empathy. If this child is yours, you have created a life and are now worried about how it will affect you. That is selfish and self-centered in the extreme. Here is how what you're saying comes across:

"When I was on my mission, I slept with a girl. Now I could be a father! Do I have to actually emotionally support the little guy or can I just toss him a few bucks now and then? Would people judge me if I didn't?"

Honestly, I think you sound like you would make a terrible father. The child will desperately want to know his dad, however, so that's not up to me.

The OP's situation involves an ocean between him and his child, though. That changes things. He can't just expect his current family to move to wherever his illegitimate child lives, so that he can be a daddy. And he may not be in a position to travel frequently to visit the child either.

Her decision to remain married to you should be based on whether or not she loves you, or if she can forgive you assuming you slept with this girl while you were "with" your current wife.

Hinging her marriage on whether or not you have consequences for your actions, while accepting the action itself, at least enough to stay wed, seems a bit immature.

Agreed. I couldn't figure this out when reading the OP, either. There's an inconsistency. It's almost as though she's expecting the OP to choose between her and his child.

I'm curious, to the OP, how did you "find out" about the child? Did the woman look you up on Facebook and suddenly say, "I had your kid, pay up!"? What's her motivation?

[wash_ma]

Gwen,

Thanks so much for your insight and opinions. To answer your questions, I have two children with my wife, the child from my mission is about 8. I've known for about 5 years about the child (during those years I have sent money each month to the child). I have been asked, for church disciplinary reasons I am guessing, by my stake president to find out for sure. Hope you can give me more of a wife, or woman perspective with this information.

[wash_ma]

I'm curious, to the OP, how did you "find out" about the child? Did the woman look you up on Facebook and suddenly say, "I had your kid, pay up!"? What's her motivation?

I was contacted by phone by her bishop saying that she had told him who the father is and they contacted me asking to financially support the child. I am not sure what her motivation is, for this reason my stake president has asked to find out paternity.

[Gwen]

Gwen,

Thanks so much for your insight and opinions. To answer your questions, I have two children with my wife, the child from my mission is about 8. I've known for about 5 years about the child (during those years I have sent money each month to the child). I have been asked, for church disciplinary reasons I am guessing, by my stake president to find out for sure. Hope you can give me more of a wife, or woman perspective with this information.

did your wife know from the get go about the kid and that you were sending money or did she just find out? does the mother want you to know if it's yours or not? is this a very poor country? and i hate to ask but how many other men has she said "might be dad"... is she also getting money from them to help out with their "maybe" kid? have you seen this child, do you know it really exists? have you ever had any kind of contact with the kid?

from a wife's perspective i'd be worried this is a scam. sorry. if so, i would not be happy about sharing my life or finances with this family till some things were verified. at 8, if you have had no contact, it could possibly be more traumatizing to have someone show up and say "i'm your dad, but i have this other life. i'll visit once a yr as money permits." and disappear again. i say let the kid grow up and once they are old enough to say "who is my dad" give permission for the mom to let them contact you. or if anything happens to the mom and there is no family the child is familiar with to take them in then you may be contacted for the child to come live with you. (yes your wife would have a lot of say in that one)

assuming you just told your wife and you have been sending money for (i'm guessing you've been married at least 5 yrs) all this time i would be most upset about the deception. can deal with the kid aspect of it later.

[Sitamoia]

Has your wife known for five years that you were sending money to another woman to support a child you thought might be yours but you weren't sure?

You have managed to set up a step family situation without even trying and now your wife is going to have to deal with another woman being involved in your lives to one extent or another for at least the next 21 years and after that for a wedding, grandchildren etc. It is a big thing to ask her to take that on when she certainly didn't sign up for that. She didn't sign up for your family's income to be shared with another person because of a foolish decision you made. I really hope that this sending of money abroad is not something you have kept from her or lied about.

This child is going to impact on her life regardless of where the child and it's mother live. She needs to be able to make choices about her life without being made to feel as though she is the bad guy. She needs to be able to do this without pressure - you have had time to get used to this. She hasn't.