Thoughts?

[jiujitsu47]

Here's my situation.

I've been a member of the church for a little over a year now. Born and raised atheist until I was 19 when I chose to be baptized. Since then I've had a tonne of ups and downs. The first girl I met from the church wasn't exactly conducive to my growth; her and I managed to shatter the law of chastity. We broke up and I went to my bishop, repented, and have since been in another relationship. This time we made a lot of the same mistakes, she is still a virgin, but we weren't exactly good up until this point.

For the last couple of months we have been seeing our bishop regularly trying to work things out. We're engaged to be married in 5 months and want to make it to the temple. Because of that, we've finally managed to stop doing things with each other. Now, my problem is trying to control myself. At this point I honestly don't know what to do. I'll be alright for about 2 weeks at a time then I'll masturbate again. It's something I have been doing since I was a young kid and I have managed to control it much better, but it just seems impossible to overcome.

Any thoughts?

Oh, and I know this whole thing makes me look like the bad guy.. maybe I am... but don't judge me without knowing the whole story, obviously things about my fiance have been excluded. Really, I'm a saint now compared to where I was 2 years ago. So this is really the last huge problem I'm having.

[FunkyTown]

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Any thoughts?

Oh, and I know this whole thing makes me look like the bad guy.. maybe I am... but don't judge me without knowing the whole story, obviously things about my fiance have been excluded. Really, I'm a saint now compared to where I was 2 years ago. So this is really the last huge problem I'm having.

I love this post, Jiujitsu. I love it and think you are amazing to have made it.

My bishop, when I was first brought in to the church, listened to me when I told him about some of the difficulty in striving to be the man I knew I could, put his arm around my shoulder and said "Are you better than you were six months ago? If the answer is yes, then you're where God wants you to be."

You aren't the bad guy because you're having difficulties.

Now, on to the question: How do you overcome that? Tricky. Oftentimes, we return to habits because we are scared or alone or bored. There will always be those times. How can you break free? Ultimately, any advice that someone gives you will be useless without knowing what your triggers are, and once you know what your triggers are, you probably will know what you have to do.

[Guest mormonmusic]

When you start thinking about prior situations that are arousing, or future situations with your fiancee, take a deep breath, and then move to a different position -- stand up and start doing something that occupies your mind.

If you get really tempted, or wake up in the morning with desires to MB, put a cold facecloth on your burning body parts until the feeling subsides. Be really militant with yourself for a couple weeks until you get some solid history of self-control on the books, and then reflect on that positive history every time you're tempted. It can be motivating to realize you've been successful in overcoming and don't want to blow your track record.

Also, try a technique called anchoring in which you replace sexual thoughts with reflection on situations where you beat the temptation. Reflect on the strength you felt at that time, and let it take over your mind and will.

In strong moments, when driving or fully occupied, visualize situations in which you are about to be tempted, and then visualize what you will do in that situation if it happens again, such as moving to a new room, or doing something productive.

Last of all, list the situations where it happens, and then try to avoid them or shorten the time you dedicate to them if avoidance is impossible.

Hang in there -- at least you have an end in sight!

[Guest]

Play soccer, tennis, football, basketball, mixed martial arts every single day then go help a neighbor cut his yard, volunteer at the fire station, the homeless shelter, and then take up scrapbooking, etc. etc. etc.

Activities, my friend. Something to take you out of the I-Me-Mine moments and into productive service.

[ryanh]

It's tough! Isn't it? Especially for a new convert. I joined at 16, and was basically an atheist before that. I had my own patterns and struggles to overcome too. And now, divorced and dating after 14 years of marriage, I'm strongly reminded of how tough remaining chaste can be!

I agree ith FT - it's about progression, not perfection. When you kick the current problem, don't forget to identify the next to rid yourself of, or to improve upon. :)

If you two are truly committed to getting to the temple, you can do it!!! But, it will take both of you working together as a team to make it happen. You being strong when she is weak, she being strong when you are weak, and beginning now to practice those behaviors that will make for a strong marriage - teamwork towards a common goal. Talk about it, be frank, make specific plans together, do walk-throughs (but not role playing! ) of how you each will gently but appropriately correct the other when one begins to be aroused.

Five months is hardly a blink of an eye in the perspectives of the eternities. You CAN do anything for five months. It isn't that long.

FT and MM have some good suggestions. I would like to add a couple other thoughts.

A pattern than will serve you and her well in marriage, which you can start right now, is to approach any problem as if it is a third party. The issue isn't "you", the issue isn't "her" - frame the issue (remaining chaste) as a third individual/party in your relationship. Then, you two discuss together how to solve this 'problem' mutually. Together discuss how to defeat this common problem. Even if you feel it it you that is the only one slipping up (masturbation), still treat it as if a third entity. Seek her help, her advice, and her input. She can help hold you accountable, and help you be strong when you need it.

There are some threads you might peruse here on .net. Do an advanced search for "masturbation", or other related terms. One recent thread that may be of use to you is:

Physical affection while engaged: how far is too far? (remember, you two have already made the marriage decision - now it is no longer time to 'feel each other out' for whether or not physical spark is there. Quite frankly, minimizing interaction might be advisable.)

[jellybelly]

You are NOT a bad guy! And I don't think any sincere person on here would think that of you. I agree with FunkyTown, as long as you are better than you were before, you are doing great. Maybe not where you want to be, but sometimes you have to take baby steps.

If you want to be married in the Temple, maybe it would help to imagine your fiancée and yourself standing outside the temple on your wedding day when you have those tough moments. I'm not sure if you read the scriptures and pray together, but if you are not maybe that would be helpful, too.

[Lisa-marie]

My suggestion is in those moments pray... It works for me, you pray for god to remove it trust he will and even if its still there thank him for removing it... it sounds silly but it might work for you too

[LDSVALLEY]

When we diet we find it hard because we are constantly having to think about not eating which makes us aware of not eating which makes us want to eat.

You have the same problem, the more you try to not do it the more you are forced to think about not doing it which means you think about it more.

Our brains require stimulation in many forms. When we condition our brain to focus on short term quick stimuli then that is what our minds concentrate on and ignore the longer term, more sustaining ones.

The suggestions made are very good ones I find that visual or verbal reminders are helpful to keep on the straight and narrow. This works no matter what the "issue or trial" is.

Try stimulating your brain in other ways. In the rooms where you 'stray' put up pictures of the temple or Christ or your fiancee, add a note like " am what I doing or thinking at this moment making me worthy to marry(her name) in the temple under the eye of Christ?"

I have found when the ways of the world are creeping in that playing spiritual music more often, turning to the scriptures or church publications help remind me of my obligation to the Lord to live righteously.

A friend of mine who had this issue, wasn't a member, took steps to remove the temptation from him. His wife worked nights and his child was young and in bed early so he had too much opportunity to slip. He had another friend lock his computer on safe search only, he wiped his hard drive and destroyed any disks of material he had. And he had the movie stations removed from his cable subscription. His wife never knew his issue but he started telling her he missed her at night and got her to call him every lunch to help him remember what he stood to loose when he did wrong.

And he talked to me and a couple others about his trials which helped him get a release and gave him a venue for reporting on slips or pride in his achievements. Turn to someone you can trust and or make use of the Lord.

[Backroads]

I've been through a very similar thing.

Advice from bishop back in the day that really really really works:

Find your trigger (what that trigger is). Avoid the trigger.

Also... set up a reward system. I have a bad habit iphone app I now use, though you could even just keep marking on a calendar all your successful days. If you can go so long... give yourself a reward, a pat on the back, and thank God for the help of getting that far.

[jiujitsu47]

I was really busy for awhile with work, just getting back to this now...

Thanks for all of the advice. Things have been up and down I guess. We were solid for almost a month, then one day we made the mistake of going to my house late at night to help somebody unload some furniture. Well, my house is where we tend to mess up, being from a non-lds family myself. As a result of that I missed out on my chance to be given the Melchezidek priesthood. Hopefully I'll be worthy again by April when we have a priesthood conference or whatever it is. We've recomitted to it, this time we'll avoid my house.

I really like the analogy of a diet. The problem for me is that, as arrogant as the proceeding my sound, I am a very disciplined person. I work at a gym, do cardio every morning, eat incredibly well, and train until I nearly puke/pass out. I've spent time in other parts of the world training with monks and trained here with professional fighters and coaches. My entire life I have prided myself on having a solid work ethic and the discipline to accomplish whatever I decide to do. Discipline is the basis of who I am. Yet, I continue to fail at this one thing, and that tends to invoke my 'all or nothing' mentality. Once I fail I beat myself up over it and have trouble going back to it, which is why my discipline is seeming to be a problem. It really is an issue of my ego.

Right now I need to do a couple of things. One is to follow some of the excellent advice that you have all given to me. The other is to work on getting back to the part of my life which brought me to the church in the first place. Working at the gym has stopped me from doing martial arts because of the schedule... the job isn't quite worth the stress of it anyway. Basically, I was baptized by my martial arts instructor, so I feel like if I want to continue to progress as a son of God should, I need to get back to walking my own path.

Hopefully I can find a steady day job so I can train again.

[Madriglace]

This may sound like I am making light of your situation but that couldn't be farther from the truth ... been there done that.

When you said " Yet, I continue to fail at this one thing, and that tends to invoke my 'all or nothing' mentality. Once I fail I beat myself up over it and have trouble going back to it," the red flags fly.

Realize who knows you as well as your Savior and what he will do to make you fall. The adversary knows us, he knows our weakness and knows just how to push our buttons and then when we do fall he makes us feel like the lowest forms of life that shouldn't be loved by anyone. And then he tells us we are so bad that it is no good to not go back or try to do better.

The answer here is to work ... and I mean really work at bending yourself to the will of the Father. We are not expected to be perfect however we are expected to be trying and growing. Your Bishop was very wise to ask if you were better than you were six months ago. That's the clue line upon line, precept upon precept, one step at a time. If you slip, get up, dust yourself off and move forward. The more we work at this the easier it gets and the better we get. Helaman 3:35 really shows what we get for our work ....

"Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God."

You have been given wonderful ideas here to help you out ... just remember where your greatest help comes from. Good Luck. Work as if everything depended on you and pray as if everything dpends on the Lord ... what a fabulous partnership.

[jackmormon]

Congratulations on popping your bubble to do something like join the church, that says a lot about your character. I work in an industry where immorality abounds, I am frequently tempted to say and do things that are inappropriate. I have layed some ground rules for myself, I will never allow others to see me say or do anything inappropriate, and when I'm by myself, all I have to do is imagine explaining my actions to one of my kids and I instantly lose the desire to do whatever I thought of. I realize you may not have kids or even a wife yet, but you will someday. Keep up the good work, you're doing way better than you think you are.