Sometimes I feel too guilty...

[claygirl]

Hi

My wife, Tina loves so much and I loveher to the ends of the earth....But she loves me to much.

What I mean by that is she always puts me first. But she is also a very strong and independent women. Which I enjoy and support. (I would not like a puppy dog if you know what I mean.)

I just feel gulity and I dont feel I deserve this kind of love that I treasure....well thats what is on my mind Ron

[slamjet]

Claygirl and you sign your name Ron? There has to be a story here.

[claygirl]

Hi Just a joke. I teach cerramics at a HS in SD-it is also my user name for chesscom-where most of the players are male, so it my little joke on them-good site if you like chess Ron

[pam]

Hi Just a joke. I teach cerramics at a HS in SD-it is also my user name for chesscom-where most of the players are male, so it my little joke on them-good site if you like chess Ron

SD as in San Diego or South Dakota?

[claygirl]

hi Pam,

I teach with my wife, Tina -at Patrick Henry in San Diego-S.D. ack!! cold

Ron

[slamjet]

Rule #1, never say it's cold if you live anywhere in SoCal. The Utahans will not be pleased. They will break out their voodoo doll on us

As for your OP, what comes to mind is one of two things, more the former, I think, than the latter.

1) Due to issues of self esteem, guilt, self unworthiness, or childhood trauma, you are uncomfortable with the amount of love she is giving you. This is something you need to speak to a professional about as well as possibly couples counseling.

2) She feel a certain co-dependency on you. She feels that she needs to show you an overabundance of love to compensate and make sure you don't leave her and/or to fix what may be wrong in the marriage.

However, by the sound of your post, I'd go with #1. Either way, you need to do some strong self-evaluation and talk to someone. This can ultimately turn into resentment and feelings of being controlled on your part. This may lead to you lashing out at her and ruining a friendship and relationship that seems to have a great chance to succeeded.

Give it some thought, pray about it and see how you feel.

[claygirl]

Hi

Kind words. -I think about those issues all the time

#1 is the winner-childhood trauma-I was 16 -but who does not have some?

R

[slamjet]

Hi

Kind words. -I think about those issues all the time

#1 is the winner-childhood trauma-I was 16 -but who does not have some?

R

Everyone has them. Question is, have they been fully vetted and dealt with. The huge issue with childhood trauma is that the emotional development stops because it has hit a wall that it can't jump over. It's not until that wall is dealt with, vetted, and incorporated that progress can continue. Notice I didn't say ejected, gotten rid of, kicked out, etc. Because it never is. It's a matter of learning to put it into it's proper context and how it makes you, YOU. Then you can relearn and/or reset boundaries and begin to have a healthy emotional state of mind once again.

It can take weeks, months or years. It all depends on the trauma, your willingness to confront it and the support system that is surrounding you.

[pam]

hi Pam,

I teach with my wife, Tina -at Patrick Henry in San Diego-S.D. ack!! cold

Ron

Ahhh the Patriots.

[claygirl]

hi Pam

Yes indeed. Football well...But I have some baseball players in my classes. Great group of mature and smart young men. I am going to attend the first game.this year. Why? I have told them they have made a difference in my classes and I will be there for them.

And the ladies. They have really been the champs at henry for the last several years. Again most of them know where they are going, These young women are going to make a difference in the world.

We live in the mountains had a lot of rain today. My bike ride 10 miles out had to turn around

Take Care Ron and Tina, sorry for the lengh of the post, but I thought you would some news about PHHS -but times are tough, but I always tell the kids we will make this work

I teach ceramics with a spiritual approch. Right now clay is hard to come by. wow-the most common thing on the earth-clay, that is why i like it

[pam]

I grew up in San Diego. Went to high school down in the Sweetwater Union High School District. But that was many years ago. But will always be a San Diego girl at heart.

[prospectmom]

My daughter lives in San Marcos and spends a lot of time in San Diego I get to go in a few months. Any suggestions as to what she should take me to see??

[Guest]

Hi Ron,

This might be too simplistic especially with the presence of trauma that you hinted on... but, the advice stands in all cases, I think... accept the love, let it wash over you, and love her right back.

Roses are cool, but those orchids... they're the best.

[skippy740]

Hi

My wife, Tina loves so much and I love her to the ends of the earth....But she loves me to much.

What I mean by that is she always puts me first. But she is also a very strong and independent women. Which I enjoy and support. (I would not like a puppy dog if you know what I mean.)

I just feel gulity and I dont feel I deserve this kind of love that I treasure....well thats what is on my mind Ron

She loves you too much... compared to what? (That's usually a good question to ask yourself when you're making a comparative statement.)

MY GUESS is that when you compare what she does for you to what you do for her... that you're feeling inadequate?

YOUR FEAR may be that she'll sense the disparity and she might become unhappy?

Aside from counseling, you might want to just have a romantic dinner out sometime. Tell her how wonderful she is and all that she does... and how you wonder how you got such a great lady in your life. (Hopefully this is the time where she says how much she loves YOU and everything you do, but often forget how helpful it may be for her.) You might want to consider telling her how you've been feeling in how helpful you are for her? You may get some reassurance from her... &/or some ideas on what to work on.

P.S. My wife's name is Tina too!

[claygirl]

Hi

I have found all of the support helpful. The one I like- the getting over the walls comment as we mature. I have pondered that concept lots of times. But I have been block at 16 on several levels. for all of my life.

Tina and I are perfect for each other. We are both artists and share the same values. It is just my sense of insecurity. etc. that makes me feel-how could anyone .... I have been in therapy lots of times. I could really act the part.

But I now know, western therapy is really quite toxic to me. Want nothing to do with it anymore. During the lawsuit against the TSA the treatment by a pych. almost proved fatal Gave me some nasty drugs that destroyed my ability to sleep well to this day..- and of course the lawyer only cared about herself. I settled, but I wonder if it was worth it. Justice is hard to come by.-I hope this did not come off as a rant. It just still really hurts. Tears

Ron

[slamjet]

If you are LDS, see about getting counseling at Family Services. There you will find help in a Gospel center way. I did and it is most helpful. Also, you may want to check out this book (the link on the right column). It's the Addiction Recovery Manual put out by the Church in a Gospel-centric manner. It's 12 step addiction manual, yea, but the principles in there are applicable to every day life. Hey, what could it hurt? At a minimum, you may learn more about yourself and have a clearer picture on how you need to proceed.

Quite frankly, I believe this booklet needs to be taught in Church on a quarterly basis.

[claygirl]

Hi-Watch lawn bowing. in Balboa park:) But you proably would rather see the zoo, art galleries -great place the park-And SD downtown has really become an interesting to walk around.:) We live in the mountains so we dont get to see much of SD City proper these days.

Have a good time and Hillcreast is an interesting place here as well.

Ron and Tina, Potrero

[pam]

And you should try Old Town which is also where the Mormon Battalion monument and visitors center is. And you have to drive over the Coronado Bridge just for the experience. Though those not used to it find it rather scary.

[Guest jengilbrat]

Yay SAn Diego!! Lived there all my life, until I moved to IDaho a year and a half ago to marry my husband.

I hear you with the whole guilt thing. I came from a horrible marriage and feel like I'm not good enough to have a loving husband. I feel like I should take care of everything myself and shouldn't ever be a burden to him. He is working with me to get over this.

I think talking to your wife is a good start. I bet she'll list lots of things you do for her and you don't even realize it.

If you are not ready for that, keep a little list of things you do for others, and include your wife. I bet you will see that you do things for her.

But the main thing is to talk with her, perhaps there are a few reasons for this guilt and both of you can work it out. I think seeing a counsler is a great idea.

[claygirl]

Hi- never been to Idaho-I think it would be nice to visit.

Tina and I talk all the time. She listens so well. And payment is easy,back rubs.

Sometimes people come up to us and think we have been married for years. And we tell them 12, they are touch.-Because they see that we are so close they assume we have been married much longer. I am getting over this self worthlessness, less then 0 etc feelings.

But I have found over the years, pychs to be toxic to my spirit. After the suit, I will never

r see one again. The Dali Lama? maybe:)

You folks have helped me to get over that wall- I know that I am no longer a abused teen by a minister who I trusted and looked to. Until... the repeated attacks came. (2yrs)

The Lawsuit is over..time to move on and make with Tina the best clay objects we have ever made together. I form and construct the objects. Tina adds the surface magic. We just finished a black widow teapot series. Tea anyone?

thx Ron

[slamjet]

Why does the movie Ghost suddenly come to mind

That's great. One never moves past that type of abuse, they can only learn where to file it away. Having the legal stuff be over with is a huge step in the right direction. Just don't forget to forgive. Sounds corny, but you will have such a better life once you jettison the negativity and hatred and find compassion and forgiveness. It's hard but so worth it.

[claygirl]

Forgiveness. Thought about that a lot. I would only do that if it would make me feel better. My intellect says it makes sense of course. My heart says forget it.

To forgive a "man of God" that hurt me, could care less about his "family" , and my parents. Well?

But what I would like to work on is detachment. But having over the line PTSD. That may be tricky.

Because one reaction to having PTSD-is just that -one detaches so you dont feel anything. But what I mean by detachment is just. --To move on and feel. (think with ur heart and feel with ur brain)

I had a bad ptsd attack this morning. What got me to school was Tinas Love and my love for teaching the kids clay. It is one of few real experienecs HS kids can have in school now.. I am bit of a legend at Henry. The kids love me and the adminstrators are scared of me. so they leave me alone. Perfect.

thx for the kind words Ron

[slamjet]

I can tell you from personal experience from PTSD, and all that is bad, detachment is destructive. Don't consider it an answer to anything. What you are really saying is that you don't want to, and are afraid of going through the hurt.

PTSD is a strange beast. You can be going along just fine then BAM! movie, feelings, and enough of this, you begin to loose your mind. I know it personally. There is only one way to stop it, and detachment is not the answer. It will only make it worse. The only way of dealing with it is to hit it head on.

Go to a therapist and talk about it all. You will still have PTSD. But the more you talk about it, the more you work it out, the less and less it will hit you. This is a process, there is no panacea. You will need to forgive to free yourself from the burden of hatred. But it will not be immediate. Process, it's going to be the word you're going to live with for a long time.

Hang in there.

[claygirl]

a very complex ans :) like that

By detachment a hot button word for people with ptsd. What I meant was not disassociation (a ptsd coping skill) but embracing the Now. I have a wonderful life for lots of reasons. I have a most wonderful women, we live in a log home in the mountaiins, we teach next door to each other, cats,dogs,chickens fruit trees a huge garden.and the frogs are singing right now (tears) What more could I have. nothing..The past is the ..... as they like say.

Western approaches are toxic to me. I have found them to be to simple.

But let me share with you what does help the ptsd. I am cyclist. I use to race. Given my cycling style.. I know if I dont focus I could crash. (not fun ) So the focus checks it. And a good endurance ride puts away in it box I need to build more boxes for better thinking. As you know , one thing that ptsd does is to hinder the brains ability to file. Information is just all over the place unprocessed in a ptsd damaged brain.

How to burn the box is my next goal. :)