I am a Non-Mormon living with a Mormon

[kjmeyers84]

Okay I am 26 years old female and dating/living with a Mormon man. I really wanted to know, do these relationships really work out? I WILL NEVER convert (no offense). But still am deeply in love with my soon to be fiance and want this relationship to work. I feel as though he sugar coats everything so I will feel okay about our religious differences. So I need to hear or read some info from outside Mormons on do these relationships really work? I need the truth. Thank you.

[Gwen]

the truth? from what you've posted here? if he's living with you and you aren't married then he's not really all that committed to the lifestyle the church expects. that would lead me to guess he's not all that active in other aspects of the church. so i wouldn't really worry about it. your relationship will work as far as the two of you work on it. won't be a fully active in the church relationship the way the church encourages but that doesn't mean it won't be successful for you.

you may want to be more concerned with the stats about how successful marriages are when there was prior cohabitation. depending on whose research you look at the odds may not be in your favor.

i would suggest doing all the same things many ppl might consider doing before getting married. make sure you really know each other, communication, pre-marriage classes, etc.

[Iggy]

What Gwen said and how does he react & interact with his parents and siblings? How do they interact with him and yourself?

How does his father treat his mother? You are not just marrying him, but marrying into his family.

Also how does your family interact & react to him?

Believe me, you may not think this is important now, but down the road it will be.

[prisonchaplain]

Your comment that he sugar coats the religion topic may be significant. As the others have said, if he is living with you, chances are that he is not currently active in his faith practice. On the other hand, do you believe he sugar coats difficult topics in general, or is he simply an optimistic, accommodating fellow? You want honessty, but someone that puts you first can be good too.

The one caveat...even if he's not active in his faith now, how might things be if his interest renews? Nobody can answer that, but if you are feeling that you need to dig deeper into this matter, you are right. Ask him. How important is your religion? If you ever get serious about it again, how will you feel towards me? Better to have these discussions now, than after the wedding bells have rung.

[curiousheathen]

Again, normally I"m a lurker but this is a personal issue for me. When I moved in with my fiance 3 yrs ago, he considered himself LDS, albeit an inactive one (he had many issues and concerns with the church at the time, which an entirely different story). I am not Mormon. His entire family on his mother's side is Catholic (though she was baptized LDS a few months ago) and his dad's side is entirely LDS. My family is Catholic. Our families addressed their concerns and advice for us, but knew that ultimately we needed to make the decision for ourselves.

I told him many times that if he wanted to go back to church or become active again I would be completely supportive of him, but that I myself would not go to church with him. We were always understanding and open. Openness is the most important thing in interfaith relationships. However, three years later my fiance no longer considers himself LDS and does not associate with the church at all. I love him and would have stayed with him whether he were LDS or not. You will have to decide how you will react if your fiance decides to become active again. Can you deal with the differences? Can you talk about the issues that come up? Can you handle church and familial pressures? These kinds of relationships can and do work. Afterall, my mother was LDS when she married my father (Catholic), my fiance's mother was Catholic when she married his father (LDS). Understanding, openness, and willingness to learn and understand is what it takes.

Just my two cents. *goes back to lurking*

[rameumptom]

One consideration will towards future children. If he chose to raise them as LDS, would you have any objections? Or if you wished to raise them in your faith, would he object? Such religious differences often raise their ugly heads once kids are involved.

Talk to him about your concerns. An open dialogue with him is the best way to work things out.

[kjmeyers84]

So.... He actually got into "trouble" for having a sexual realtionship and living with me before marriage, with his church. He sat infront of 15 men lastnight that decided his fate in the Mormon church. He used to be very active within the church and it kinda faded away until now. He came home saying how he is going to do a 360 basically and start partisipating in the church ext. I guess they were really pressuring him to marry me. Which we already previously discussed that we didnt need a piece of paper or proof of our love, but that when financially we were ready we would. So this I guess is the start of his church pressuring me to do things like get married and then convert??? Because that will never happen. He is very close with his parents and siblings. He is an amazing father, we both have children from previous relationships. I just want to know if he is going to be different now that he is back with the LDS church. It seems like a family commitment but I am not commited to it at all. UGH I just need some great advise from a full fledged Mormon holy roller. To give it to me straight what he will be like.

[Gwen]

no one here can say what he will be like. every person is different in how they approach their faith. the church has some basic rules/guidelines. if he is back doing "everything" (no one can really do everything) then you can expect he will go to about 3-4 hours (depending on calling) of church on sunday. he will participate in home teaching where he will go out to visit other families. he will want to give 10% of his income to the church for tithing. he will probably want to take his kids to church with him. you may want to read the "for strength of youth" guidelines for more on what that would bring with it. if he wants "everything the church recommends" he would want to be sealed to you in the temple one day which would require you to be a member. if there are missionaries in the area he will probably want them to come over for dinner on occasion.

i suggest you have an open conversation with him about this. and do it BEFORE you get married. find out what he will want from you. find out exactly what he intends to do, and which kids he intends to include. you need to sort out the parenting aspect NOW, not after you get married. i'm guessing with each of you having kids already and living together then you have started that on some level.

i've known ppl that pestered their spouse about church and made their spouse miserable. it's ruined marriages at the worst and made them much harder at the least.

i've also known ppl that did their thing with the church and their spouse stayed out of it. i had known them for yrs and had never seen their spouse, wouldn't know they were married except they talked about their spouse.

then i've known some that came to church with their member spouse. they supported their kids in the church. they were there for every talk and activity. i didn't know they weren't members till it was announced they were getting baptized. i remember one brother that i found out his wife was not a member because he talked about it at a youth meeting about not being able to go to the temple with her or be sealed to his kids. the only time i saw this brother cry. i remember being shocked that she wasn't a member because she was so active with the youth activities.

some ppl make it work and some will not. yall need to hash this out instead of asking us to guess at what is in your future.

[kjmeyers84]

Look I am desperate and needed some advise and thank you, you have been very kind in giving me some great tips. Thank you :)

[Gwen]

by your word choice you seem very freaked out by all this. what scares you the most? what do you think is going to happen?

[Wingnut]

I'm also curious about your antagonistic attitude toward the LDS Church. You sound like you have no problem with your boyfriend being a member of it, as long as he doesn't actively participate of course, but you are quite vehement in saying you won't ever convert. Any specific reason? Something you've heard or seen? Or just on principle?

[kjmeyers84]

Um.... That he will turn into someone i dont know and try to recruit me into it with him. I swear & drink coffee soda ext. Not a drinker so thats a plus. I am not straight edge holy person. I dont want to attend church functions or be preached to. I have my own beliefs and all that i have been reading about the Mormon ways kinda intimidates me.

[kjmeyers84]

I dont believe in Mormon beliefs period.

[Wingnut]

I dont believe in Mormon beliefs period.

How much do you actually know about them, though?

[MichaelPAGuy]

If you do not want mormons preaching to you then just tell the local bishop of your fiance's ward that you want no contact. They will respect that.

[kjmeyers84]

Ok see thats nice to know. i thought it was going to be this thing were they would all pressure me.

[Wingnut]

If you do not want mormons preaching to you then just tell the local bishop of your fiance's ward that you want no contact. They will respect that.

That gets tricky though. Typically "do not contact" members are single members or it applies to their entire family. Where the OP isn't even a member, she wouldn't even be on the records. If her boyfriend (or husband, should they marry) wants to be active in the Church, there will be LDS influences in the home. It's impractical for one partner to be actively engaged and the other to have no contact.

OP, you should know that the LDS Church is a very missionary oriented church. There may or may not be "pressure" for you to join -- that depends on the local members and leadership, and your boyfriend. But there will be conversations and curiosity. Of that, have no doubt.

[kjmeyers84]

I only know the basics like from Wikipedia. But thats enough. I respect every religion and all beliefs but I just dont want anyone pushing their religion on me as I wouldnt do that to them. That in itself is a sin. Lead by example is what I believe in. I have an ex-mormon employee and she tells me that I will more than likely be pressured and a mormon and a non mormon relationship is not one you see often. So I am scared I love my boyfriend with a love that seems to have been in me before my birth. I just cant imagine the force that brought us together may be what makes us fall apart.

[Wingnut]

Well, I wouldn't trust anything an ex-Mormon has to say about the Church.

[kjmeyers84]

What does OP mean?

[kjmeyers84]

Why is that?

[CCCC]

Um.... That he will turn into someone i dont know and try to recruit me into it with him. I swear & drink coffee soda ext. Not a drinker so thats a plus. I am not straight edge holy person. I dont want to attend church functions or be preached to. I have my own beliefs and all that i have been reading about the Mormon ways kinda intimidates me.

I'm a Mormon married to a non-Mormon so I can give you my perspective from the other side. I don't think you should worry about anyone trying to force Mormonism on you. Nobody joins the church against their will (and even then, they're free to leave if they want). If your fiance loves you for who you are and is comfortable with you having different beliefs, then you should have nothing to worry about.

Basically, the biggest question to look at is what changes your fiance plans to make in his life if he decides to be a practicing Mormon again (Gwen gave a good description in post #8), and whether you feel you can still love him if he starts doing those things.

[Wingnut]

What does OP mean?

Original post, or original poster.

Why is that?

Ex-Mormons typically have left the LDS Church because they think they know better than the prophets and other leaders, or because they've had a specific bad experience. Usually, they have an ax to grind and are anything but impartial and unbiased. The only ex-Mormons I've met that aren't actagonistic toward the Church are actually members of this site. An active member of the Church isn't exactly impartial or unbiased either, but they're usually more accurate when it comes to doctrinal or policy issues.

[curiousheathen]

I would never convert to the Mormon church also. I have my own beliefs and they are not the same as LDS. I've read my share of pro-Mormon literature and anti-Mormon literature. I suggest you read some of both. Read their holy books--I did so I could understand what my fiance believed. I also ASKED him what he believed, but I made it clear that while I respected his beliefs, they were not mine and for that I would never convert. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to convert and not wanting to be preached at, but you can still learn about the church. They have really interesting ideas, and you can never learn too much.

Other than that, I agree with Gwen and CCCC. They've got it right. Also, you cannot allow your own fears and biases to get in the way either. It's not just your fiance and his religious beliefs that can cause a rift. It's also yours too.

[Dravin]

360

Just ignore this as it's a nitpick, but a 360 would put him right back where he started. I remember a mock trial in school where the defence attorney argued his client has done a complete 360 from his checkered past. I was mightily amused. The course correction your husband (and my fake lawyer from school of years past) wants is a 180.