Please Help!

[JAR28]

I dated a man for 4 months. It was perfect and I felt all the feelings that I never thought existed. I've been married and dated a lot so this isn't altogether new territory. However, out of the blue he broke it off saying that, "It's not right"

Fast forward. We run in to each other and things pick up again. This time it's much closer and more intense. Meanwhile I have the small revelations that are simple and quiet and indicate that I am where I am meant to be, in his arms.

Then I push a DTR and he says again that he feels like we should not be dating.

It doesn't make sense. I felt a different reveal than he did. Maybe it's because I don't hold the priesthood, but it doesn't feel right to end it. That aside from my heartbreak. Any ideas? Could it be timing? He has never been in a serious relationship and says I am the only person on earth he identifies with besides his best friend. What should I do???

[Guest]

I dated a man for 4 months. It was perfect and I felt all the feelings that I never thought existed. I've been married and dated a lot so this isn't altogether new territory. However, out of the blue he broke it off saying that, "It's not right"

Fast forward. We run in to each other and things pick up again. This time it's much closer and more intense. Meanwhile I have the small revelations that are simple and quiet and indicate that I am where I am meant to be, in his arms.

Then I push a DTR and he says again that he feels like we should not be dating.

It doesn't make sense. I felt a different reveal than he did. Maybe it's because I don't hold the priesthood, but it doesn't feel right to end it. That aside from my heartbreak. Any ideas? Could it be timing? He has never been in a serious relationship and says I am the only person on earth he identifies with besides his best friend. What should I do???

I'm confused too... are you male? You mentioned about you not holding the priesthood... and he is male too?

What's a DTR?

[Wingnut]

I'm confused too... are you male? You mentioned about you not holding the priesthood... and he is male too?

Agreed -- confusing.

What's a DTR?

DTR = Define the relationship

I dated a man for over a year, and we seriously talked about getting married. We both wanted to, and it made sense to us. Whenever I prayed about it, I didn't get an answer. When he prayed about it, he didn't get an answer at first either. After several attempts, he received an answer that we could be happy together. When he shared that with me, he emphasized that he felt that we could be happy together, but not necessarily that we would be. Around the time that we broke up, he shared with me that he thought that the answer he received was because he was pushing the Lord and was hearing what he wanted to hear. He still thought that we could be happy together, but that we needed time apart to grow separately first (I broke up with him, though, but he agreed it was for the best). Years later, I recognized my lack of an answer as being a stupor of thought.

Sometimes we get the answer that we want to hear, especially if we pester the Lord enough about it. Think of Joseph Smith and sharing the 116 pages with Martin Harris. Sure, the Lord said Joseph could share them, but was that really the best thing to do in that situation?

[pam]

I'm confused too... are you male? You mentioned about you not holding the priesthood... and he is male too?

What's a DTR?

The profile states female.

[Guest]

The profile states female.

Ok. In that case, my advice is simple. Go to him and ask him, "Why?".

[Gwen]

i took the not holding the priesthood comment as an insinuation that she lacks confidence in her ability or stewardship to receive an answer in this situation.

op, if that is correct you are not ready for marriage. i suggest, from what you put here, to take a step back from this guy, he doesn't know what he wants anyway. take some time to work on your relationship with the lord. learn how to feel the spirit without question. his holding the priesthood does not make him more worthy or able to hear inspiration or personal revelation. you have stewardship in this situation because it is for and about you. you are entitled to an answer no matter what he says he has or hasn't gotten.

also even if this is "right", if that is the inspiration you are getting that does not negate the need for approaching things with wisdom. he is uncertain, there are some apparent communication issues between you. you need to work those things out before you head down a marriage path. learn to talk about things, learn to open up and be honest. give yourself the right foundation to be successful.

[rameumptom]

When I was attending a single's ward 30 years ago and was ward clerk, the bishop noted to me something about revelation: we don't always read it correctly. He had 4 young ladies talk with him, each having a revelation they were to marry the same man, but it didn't seem to be working out for them.

He explained to them that the Lord was revealing to them that this is a good and righteous man, and would make a good husband, NOT that this is THE marriage.

I've found that sometimes we also need to wait on a revelation to come to pass. I once had revealed to me that I was going to receive a specific calling. It ended up not occurring for over a year later.

So, sometimes we misread revelations, read too much into the revelation, or sometimes the timing is not yet. Also, there is the issue of agency. While we may receive a revelation for something, the other person involved may not be ready, may not choose to receive the same revelation, or may reject it altogether. Events can sometimes overcome things.

[JAR28]

When I asked why, he said he didn't know why. That I have been in or the subject of his prayers every night since the first break up a year ago. That seems to be more of an answer to me, but I could be entirely misinterpreting that. He just doesn't know. It's hard not to feel like it's a reason he's using because he is afraid of ANY commitment. Obviously, he has some things to work out, and maybe I can't be around while he does that. I don't know. Maybe it will never be. But I will always wonder why my promptings have been so different. In fact I prayed and studied last night. My dream was about him and, like, a future snapshot of one of those running hugs. A lot of my messages coming from all directions are of patience, timing, surrendering control, and will to God as he knows best. I have faith in that. I just won't keep my hopes up with this guy. I can't sit and stew, it just breaks my heart.

[JAR28]

thank you so much, that was helpful. I actually teared up a little. What in the world?! Thanks again :)

[Backroads]

I've always wondered what one is to do when parties in the relationship are having different answers. Is he praying about, or is he just going with first-time relationship nerves? Have you told him that you have had these little revelations? Both of you need to kneel down (separately) and pray about this and decide what is nerves, what is hormones, and what is revelation.

But sometimes those little moments of revelation are vital. A few months back when I started coming here I was very nervous about my engagement. I wasn't sure if it were right, I wasn't sure what were red flags and what weren't... it takes prayer, observing the relationship, and even just going with your gut instinct.

I also had a pair of friends who broke off their engagement this past summer. Everything had seemed right, but the girl stopped being happy. After lots of praying, she finally received a distinct answer. She told me a month or so back that she thinks she was supposed to be in the relationship for a time, but not supposed to marry this guy. It was all a matter of asking the right question at the right time.

Oops, posted at the same time as everyone else. I'm glad you got information from him. Maybe it will work out, but it might not be the right time for him.

I really appreciated Rammy's post. When I was praying, I sometimes had mixed answers. I really had to search to see what was revelation and peace and what was my super-paranoid mind. And a lot of other revelation came at times when I wasn't even praying, and I had to pray to see if that was legitimate. It can be confusing to our mortal understanding, but I think sometimes in the end we just need to take a leap of faith.

Yes, don't feel you need to wait around for possibly nothing. Think of Jane Austen's "Persuasion". Things might happen in the right time.

Edited February 25, 2011 by Backroads

[Wingnut]

also even if this is "right", if that is the inspiration you are getting that does not negate the need for approaching things with wisdom. he is uncertain, there are some apparent communication issues between you. you need to work those things out before you head down a marriage path. learn to talk about things, learn to open up and be honest. give yourself the right foundation to be successful.

I definitely agree with this. Timing is important, too. I knew another man, with whom I was friends, but never dated. Well, we went out once or twice and had a lot of fun together. We knew each other briefly, but had an instant and very strong connection. It turns out that from the time we met, he'd been praying about me as a potential spouse. The answer he received was that he wasn't the right man for me, at that time. He interpreted that as meaning that we both had growing to do still, and that perhaps in the future we might be better matched, but at that time, we weren't.

It's possible that the OP is ready, but her boyfriend is not. Personally, I don't think this is the case, as the OP seems to have a distorted view of marriage and "happily ever after," but that's just my opinion.

I also had a pair of friends who broke off their engagement this past summer. Everything had seemed right, but the girl stopped being happy. After lots of praying, she finally received a distinct answer. She told me a month or so back that she thinks she was supposed to be in the relationship for a time, but not supposed to marry this guy. It was all a matter of asking the right question at the right time.

That last part is very important.

[Guest]

Personally, I don't think this is the case, as the OP seems to have a distorted view of marriage and "happily ever after," but that's just my opinion.

Did I miss a post?

[JAR28]

K, I have no idea what "op" is, but know it refers to me. Wingnut, I think you are right in that I am not quite ready. I need to develop what someone mentioned before and that is developing my spirituality. But, I don't believe in the "Happily Ever After". It may sound pessimistic but, everyone has their bag of crap and personal challenges that become inherent when you marry.

I was married for 7 years to the wrong person and it's extremely difficult. The hardest part for me was the dissection of my internal thought processes, values, tolerance for compromise, and understanding (at least trying) us both. It didn't work out but we learned a lot.

When the guy I dated prays, he asks if he should date me. I don't know if that's the right question but he feels that we should not.

I thank you all for your support and advice, it is so helpful. Timing keeps coming up for me in all kinds of places.. patience is not my strong suit. Thank you all again.

[Guest DeborahC]

If he acts as though he just isn't into you... assume he is not.

When the "right" partner comes along, there will be no question.

That's my 2 cents.

[Wingnut]

Did I miss a post?

The comment about having dreams with "running jump hugs" (or whatever the phrase was) sounded pretty immature and unaware to me.

K, I have no idea what "op" is, but know it refers to me.

OP = Original Post, or Original Poster

[JAR28]

The comment about having dreams with "running jump hugs" (or whatever the phrase was) sounded pretty immature and unaware to me.

It was a dream!! Not any indication of what I am as a person on a daily basis. Come on! People have dreams about purple dragons too, doesn't mean they are crazy. Why are you so bitter and degrading?

[Wingnut]

Not bitter and not intentionally degrading -- just wary, and rarely idealistic.

[NobodysFool]

What should I do???

Since it's him calling it off, I don't see that you have many options at this point. Maybe you are supposed to be together and he's afraid of commitment. Even so, there's nothing you can do. Move on.

You can remain friends if you want, but stay a bit distant. Give him room to miss you. And start dating others. It will either wake him up or help you move on. Either way is good for you.

If you continue to anguish over something you have no control, you will continue to anguish. It's okay to morn, but don't wallow in it. As much as it hurts, keep moving.