Advice For Friends Parents.

[Panos04]

Hello LDS.net Forums! I am new here and am basically looking for some advice.

I am not Mormon, but my friend Michelle is. Her parents are both faithful active LDS as well, but there is a problem.

Michelle's mother has been growing distant from her father... She has been spending far more time learning about the gospel than she has just talking to her husband. Whenever anyone tries to talk to her about how "removed" she has been she will either ignore them or walk away...

My thoughts are that since she seems to be infatuated with her faith, is there anything that could be cited from LDS theology that would stress the importance of the family? Specifically husband and wife relationships? Or what priority that relationship should take in light of the gospel?

That might be a horrible way to approach this, but that is why I am here. Looking for good advice to ease the tension and discord in their present home.

Thank you,

-Paul

[Panos04]

Oops, this might need to move to the Marriage and relationship advice sub-forum. Apologies.

[ryanh]

1) If it truly is a fanaticism level as you seem to be thinking it is, then any advice is moot. Professional help is the necessary route.

2) How can strangers on a forum possibly offer sound advice based on third person recounting of an undefined problem?

3) Honestly, nyob. Couples have to sort out issues on their own. There likely exists many factors and pressures in their relationship that you have no clue about and will never be privy to. Meddling in other people's relationships is a good way to stir up trouble for yourself and others.

4) The intent to help is admirable, but if people want help, they generally will seek it out, and if they don't want help, than help offered is likely to be refused anyway.

[Panos04]

1) If it truly is a fanaticism level as you seem to be thinking it is, then any advice is moot. Professional help is the necessary route.

- I was not trying to imply fanaticism, but it seems to be what she is busying herself with instead of facing the problem (She does know there is a problem, just does not want to talk about it).

2) How can strangers on a forum possibly offer sound advice based on third person recounting of an undefined problem?

- Well so far you have offered at least one bit of advice, I am not looking for an indisputable answer to all of their problems, just looking for a few good ideas, or possibly people who have had similar stories and how they dealt with it.

3) Honestly, nyob. Couples have to sort out issues on their own. There likely exists many factors and pressures in their relationship that you have no clue about and will never be privy to. Meddling in other people's relationships is a good way to stir up trouble for yourself and others.

- As I mentioned in the OP, My friend is the daughter. She actually came to me in confidence to seek advice... Seeing as I am not a Mormon, things are entirely different when speaking of religion and even marital business. I will not be in contact with either of the parents, I will simply be relaying information to Michelle as a way to help.

4) The intent to help is admirable, but if people want help, they generally will seek it out, and if they don't want help, than help offered is likely to be refused anyway.

- Michelle would like to do more than stand by and watch her parents grow cold. I would agree with her that at least talking about ways to help is a start. I was actually involved in confronting my own father about his substance abuse issues. It is true that people can not help others without their consent, but I have seen where just a little consideration goes a long way.

Thank you for your input tho. :)

[slamjet]

This issue is more than just a "Mormon" thing. This may be symptomatic of something else that's wrong in the relationship. So if the mom is really spending time to the point of neglect, then the issue may be deeper than just studying too much. I can think of many things that it could be, all of which needs to be hashed out by mom and dad.

So both you and the daughter should step back and leave it alone. If she (daughter) really must, then she should mention it to her father, understand that she most likely doesn't know all the stuff happening behind the scenes, keep loving mom and dad and drop it.

[rameumptom]

Try the Proclamation on the Family by the LDS First Presidency:

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

[Guest]

This is something all active Mormons are familiar with:

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Is this what you're looking for?

[Panos04]

Try the Proclamation on the Family by the LDS First Presidency:

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

This is something all active Mormons are familiar with:

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Is this what you're looking for?

Yes This is great! Thank you both!

I was a bit confused at the suggestions to just leave them in the dust, problems do not always solve themselves...

A great admonition in that link was this:

We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

Thank you both!

[ryanh]

Panos . . . Do you even know what the real issue is? From what little you have shared, for all we can tell, mother's response is a perfectly healthy and normal coping mechanism allowing the relationship to survive while the issues are sorted out with the passage of time necessary to do so. It would be foolish of anyone here to jump in and offer advice not having any more details, esp any first-hand details of what actually is at issue.

If she is as involved in studying her faith as you indicated, than she is well aware of LDS theological foundations for, and focus on, families, esp marriage.

Meddling in the relationship, either by you or Michelle is a bad idea. How would you like Michelle parents being critical of aspects of your relationship with Michelle that they feel are less than ideal from their perspective? That is in essence what Michelle is doing.

What you can do is help Michelle understand there are situations in life we can't control, can't do anything about. Help her as an (mostly) emotionally uninvested party to be a sounding board, a voice of reason, etc. And help her to keep from making her relationship with her parents, or her parents' relationship worse with meddling in other people's business.

[Guest]

Try the Proclamation on the Family by the LDS First Presidency:

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

You are waaayyy too good. You beat me to it!

[Panos04]

ryanh,

I do not know the real issue, I do not even know her parents at all... Michelle's father has talked to her about it and neither of them can figure it out. So I guess in a way, she was invited by at least one half of the party in question.

It does seem strange to me that a person can be so engrossed in a faith that places such importance on family and marriage to be struggling in that very area! You say she is well aware of the importance of family? I can only trust that you are right... I am still left wondering how a person can flee facing marital issues by going to a faith such as Mormonism is all I am saying. Does where I am coming from make any sense?

Meddling does sound like a bad thing to do. However, offering a helping hand seems like a great thing to do, the only difference would be in the perspective of the individual. I would certainly welcome any questions/concerns that Michelle's parents would have for my relationship with her! I would welcome conversation on the matter as well as offering my views and/or listening to possible solutions if there are problems.

I highly doubt Michelle wants to make her parent's relationship worse, so I am not sure why you continue to have such a negative attitude to a daughter trying to help a situation she sees to be problematic. If you really ascribe to the view of letting others alone to do whatever they wish that is your call... I however would like to encourage you to see the good in lending someone a hand in a time of need where they feel too ashamed to ask for it. I am not suggesting Michelle go in and start shouting scripture at her parents but rather making herself available if either wants to discuss it.

[ryanh]

It does seem strange to me that a person can be so engrossed in a faith that places such importance on family and marriage to be struggling in that very area! You say she is well aware of the importance of family? I can only trust that you are right... I am still left wondering how a person can flee facing marital issues by going to a faith such as Mormonism is all I am saying. Does where I am coming from make any sense?

Perhaps a potential scenario could flesh out possibilities for you. Let's pretend the issue is that Michelle's father was caught in adultery. Now . . . would Mom's distance make any sense? Would it make any sense that perhaps she is delving deeply into resources from the church on how to keep a marriage together despite the huge emotional wounds? Would it make any sense why, being such a private and senitive matter she might not want to discuss it? Mom's reaction could be very good thing - she could be sticking around trying to find a way to make it work.

The problem is though, there is such a multitude of possibilities that to presume the mother is the issue is . . . well . . . presumptuous!!!

For all you and we know, this may be the established patter of how mom and dad have dealt with major issues all their marriage - give it time and space, and let healing take place. Who are we to say that forcing two emotionally upset people into close contact is a good idea?

However, offering a helping hand seems like a great thing to do, the only difference would be in the perspective of the individual.

[sarcasm]I just detest giving help or advice. That's why I never stray onto advice forums like this. [/sarcasm]

I would certainly welcome any questions/concerns that Michelle's parents would have for my relationship with her!

Ha ha! Then you have never truly dealt with a stereotypical mother-in-law then. There is a reason for all those mother-in-law jokes.

so I am not sure why you continue to have such a negative attitude to a daughter trying to help a situation she sees to be problematic.

Perspective. Experience. You may think it's negative, but to me it's realistic. Some people may enjoy other's poking their nose into private business, but I'm of the belief that most people don't enjoy it at all. Hence again, the mother-in-law jokes.

I however would like to encourage you to see the good in lending someone a hand in a time of need where they feel too ashamed to ask for it.

LOL. Yep. We don't know a thing about each other at all! Guess what Panos, I am lending a hand to you in what I feel is the best way (based on my paradigms) to go about this. You don't like the advice, so you see it as negative. So, how is that any different than mom walking away when someone tries to push something in her face she doesn't want to hear? Can you now see a tiny sliver of why offering unwanted advice is unproductive? It is so hard for the target to even hear it's value.

Again, I think Michelle should stay out of trying to be a "solution". I think that is best for her, and best for her parents.

[Iggy]

In your profile you state you are 25 years old. How old is the daughter? Why have you not met the parents? How do you know the daughter.

I'm just curious.

[Panos04]

@ryanh I apologize, I guess I mistook your objective realism as a negatively charged personal attack on myself.

I have already forwarded the "Family" link a few users posted to Michelle and she said she loves it! She told me that she and her dad had already been reading it and discussing it together.

@Iggy I am 25, Michelle is 20. I live in another state, met Michelle through a mutual friend. The relationship is strictly platonic (if you were wondering) as the mutual friend is interested in her. Plus it would never work, I am an orthodox Christian, and she a faithful Mormon.

[Gwen]

i agree with ryan that if there are deeper issues her immersion in the faith may be her way of staying.

look at some of the marriage advise threads. i can't count the number of times someone comes and says something along the lines of "i'm doing x,y,z and working on things but the spouse isn't/won't. i don't want my marriage to end" the advise that follows is "keep doing what you should, you can't control others, you might have to leave that to god. so pray more, read your scriptures more, seek the counsel from the prophets, etc" if she has been talking to the bishop that is exactly the advise she is getting.

there are always 2 sides to every story. and yes unfortunately sometimes parents elicit the advise and help of a child (close family member) in finding the "solution" because they are really trying to paint the picture in their favor cause they know crap is about to hit the fan and they want to be the "good" guy. it's sad but it happens. not saying i know that is what is happening for your friend, just that it's an alternate perspective.

in the event that you won't "let it be" lol i just don't see it happening based on your posts. i would suggest looking at this thread http://www.lds.net/forums/marriage-relationship-advice/25622-resources-links-your-marriage.html (there are a couple lds authorized links provided)

some to start with that may have relevance to this situation based on what you said (even if just dad and daughter read them together and work on the principles it could effect mom) would be (all of these have links to them in the thread above)

5 love languages (applies to more than marriages).

for all eternity by john l lund, it's about communication, so applies to more than marriages as well.

the dad might try applying the principles in the "love dare"

there is also one about questions a couple can ask to open up important conversations. that might help since the complaint is they don't talk about things.

[ryanh]

@ryanh I apologize, I guess I mistook your objective realism as a negatively charged personal attack on myself.

No apology necesary from my perspective. I know I am at times I am less than desirable with presentation. You're a good man Paul.