I think I hate my husband

[Guest]

My cousin dated and eventually married a guy for years who turned out to be abusive. Eventually he killed her. We didn't see the signs until after her death, when we began to look back and realize that they were there all along. I don't know if my cousin saw them or not, or if she just didn't want to believe it.

We must be related! I have an aunt that did this same thing - her parents and some of her siblings told her there's something "off" about the guy but they can't pinpoint hard evidence because he was always polite, nice, charming, etc. etc., so she married him anyway. Before they got married, she confessed that there are some things that she was uncomfortable with but that she loves him and will overcome it. Come to find out he was a cocaine addict. And yes, it was a murder-suicide.

[ADoyle90815]

I know this is my second post in this thread. I just gotta say that i agree with BINI.

One thing that bini did was hit it right on the head!

Another thing that i wanted to point out is that most abusive freaks DO NOT want to see a therapist because the therapist can see right through that person. A therapist can usually see the writing on the wall and characterics (spelling?) about that person right away knowing that they are abusive. The last thing that any abuser wants is to be near a therapist.

I was in an abusive relationship with a guy once. I went to therapy for some other issue that was going on in my life. The therapist watched him and I interact in the lobby area and she knew immediately that he was an abusive freak. He didn't like her one bit after meeting her. She begged me to leave him but I didnt see it right then!

My ex-husband was abusive, and when I went to therapy myself, he came to one session and immediately hated my therapist and refused to go to joint counseling. My therapist also could see that he was abusive, and eventually helped me to realize that it was best to just get out before I became pregnant, as if there were a child, I wouldn't be able to cut off all contact completely, and the cycle of abuse would have been passed down to another generation. He started out like the OP's husband at first, then the moment we were married, he changed for the worst, and while the abuse wasn't physical at the time, if I stayed with him, it would have gotten to that point, and there's a chance he could have killed me or triggered a miscarriage if he beat me while pregnant. I haven't had any contact with him in the 9 years since I filed for divorce, and I thank God I got out alive.

[Gatekeeper]

Hello, sbg. Honey, you will always love your husband. And who said that marriage was not at some times a battlefield? I want you to go out and find the most interesting historical war book on the market, and read it cover to cover (even stop to notice the pictures). For the most part, you will find that the strength of your spirit is much like that of a courageous soldier on the battlegrounds- wounded, negleted and sometime all alone, but fighting hard and strong for a good cause. Come on. I've been there with you; I made it through the barbed wire and so can you. Shucks, at times I'm still tugging at the wires, but it is worth it. Stop thinking about yourself so much and focus on your husband's and the kids' needs for a change.

As you grow stronger and more understanding and forgiving, you will feel the sure, perfect power of love for your husband all around you. The change in your mate will come by the possitive change in your attitude of him and his weaknesses. God bless!

[Gatekeeper]

Spirit Soldier by Agathodaimon

Spirit is your fate and burden

Spirit is your destination

Once long ago on a dark night

You felt body and soul unite

In a dream of epiphany

You were given perspicuity dignity autonomy supremacy

Ancient spirits cursed through your veins

The sparks in you turned into flames

You heard battle drums thundering

Was this a dream or an awakening a destining foreshadowing offering?

The gods have marked you for your life and death

The gods will guide you up to your last breath

You will lead a secret life sheltered by darkness

Up to the day that the spirit soldiers will conquer and then

The twilight mountains you will climb

Brighter than the sun you will shine

Louder than thunder you will roar

Above the world your voice will soar

Through the universe you will fly

Expand the earth tear up the sky

Once your spirit will break free

A new spring will bring liberty

The gods blessed you with power and a vision

The gods gave you life to accomplish a mission

Being a soldier of spirit in a cold and shallow world

Will at times seem to you rather a curse than a gift

Sometimes you **** the ancient spirits

Everything seems grim and senseless

They tell you that there's no forgiveness

For the thousand sins you could confess

Then you envy the blind fools

Who thrive in mediocracies

Who love and hate as they are told

Devoted to trivialities

Spirit soldier

Spirit soldier

Spirits spirits spirits

Spirit soldier

Spirits spirits spirits

Spirit soldier

Sometimes your dreams take you to the land

Of purity silence and soul

Where you feel unchained and alive

Where fate is under your control

Then you thank the great omnipotent

Creators of life and spirit

That with the dawn of a new age

You'll be united with the infinite

Spirit soldier

Spirit soldier

Spirits spirits spirits

Spirit soldier

Spirits spirits spirits

Spirit soldier

The gods sent you to provide for enlightenment

The gods have placed you in line of their descent

You will lead a secret life sheltered by darkness

Up to the day the spirit soldiers will conquer and then

The twilight mountains you will climb

Brighter than the sun you will shine

Louder than thunder you will roar

Above the world your voice will soar

Through the universe you will fly

Expand the earth tear up the sky

Once your spirit will break free

A new spring will bring liberty

[Suzie]

Hello, sbg. Honey, you will always love your husband. And who said that marriage was not at some times a battlefield? I want you to go out and find the most interesting historical war book on the market, and read it cover to cover (even stop to notice the pictures). For the most part, you will find that the strength of your spirit is much like that of a courageous soldier on the battlegrounds- wounded, negleted and sometime all alone, but fighting hard and strong for a good cause. Come on. I've been there with you; I made it through the barbed wire and so can you. Shucks, at times I'm still tugging at the wires, but it is worth it. Stop thinking about yourself so much and focus on your husband's and the kids' needs for a change.

As you grow stronger and more understanding and forgiving, you will feel the sure, perfect power of love for your husband all around you. The change in your mate will come by the possitive (sic) change in your attitude of him and his weaknesses. God bless!

This is the type of post in where I understand the intention behind it (good one of course) however it worries me that the message given may be misinterpreted as "stop being selfish" and just be a good wife and put up with an aggressive husband or even abuse. I know it is NOT the intention but if the person who created this thread was courageous enough to express her concern, I think telling her indirectly that she is being selfish by saying she is focusing too much on herself, is worrying and may lead to someone who MAY be in abusive relationship to stay despite the signs. I know many women who support this type of thinking (just "forgive him" and "keep quiet" or "make him happy). Usually victims of abuse themselves think this way and they just don't realize it however, it is concerning if that's what we're telling this sister.

We don't know exactly the situation so really telling someone in this particular situation that their husband will change based on HER positive change in attitude, is quite naive if we're dealing with someone with some sort of mental disorder (she speaks of overwhelming anger and other issues she said she didn't tell us), and quite dangerous if this sister is seeing through some signs of possible abuse. There are kids in this whole ordeal as well.

Marriage IS a battlefield but let's not confuse the normal struggles in a marriage with what could be considered verbal abuse or signs of possible abuse. This remind me of a lady I spoke to many years ago when I was traveling. We were both watching a TV show where they were talking about spousal abuse and the case of this man beating his wife in the most horrendous way you can think of. I said to this lady "My goodness, this is just so wrong and horrible". She said "I agree, it is just so wrong...one thing is if he slaps you across the face, is super aggressive or call you names but THIS? No, that's plain wrong".

Being forgiving is one thing, tolerating possible abusive behavior is another.

[MormonMama]

We must be related! I have an aunt that did this same thing - her parents and some of her siblings told her there's something "off" about the guy but they can't pinpoint hard evidence because he was always polite, nice, charming, etc. etc., so she married him anyway. Before they got married, she confessed that there are some things that she was uncomfortable with but that she loves him and will overcome it. Come to find out he was a cocaine addict. And yes, it was a murder-suicide.

I'm so sorry about your aunt.

[ryanh]

Hello, sbg. Honey, you will always love your husband. And who said that marriage was not at some times a battlefield? I want you to go out and find the most interesting historical war book on the market, and read it cover to cover (even stop to notice the pictures). For the most part, you will find that the strength of your spirit is much like that of a courageous soldier on the battlegrounds- wounded, negleted and sometime all alone, but fighting hard and strong for a good cause. Come on. I've been there with you; I made it through the barbed wire and so can you. Shucks, at times I'm still tugging at the wires, but it is worth it. Stop thinking about yourself so much and focus on your husband's and the kids' needs for a change.

A successful marriage most certainly IS work, but . . . a "battlefield"? If our spouse, or our marriage is viewed as an 'enemy', or the relationship is viewed as a hated contest of conquering, I dare say that marriage is going to be a miserable one!

Such a relationship in no way shape or form is a marriage that is progressing towards the Celestial standard. No, that is not a marriage - that is the lowly state of roommates with financial ties and occasional 'benefits'. Such is wrong in light of the higher law, and steps should be taken to repent and change the nature of the relationship, starting with one's own view of what a marriage is supposed to be. The same goes for the OP. I think you will get some clarity over your own extreme ambivalence when you rightly view your marriage for how truly broken it is.

[Guest]

A successful marriage most certainly IS work, but . . . a "battlefield"? If our spouse, or our marriage is viewed as an 'enemy', or the relationship is viewed as a hated contest of conquering, I dare say that marriage is going to be a miserable one!

Such a relationship in no way shape or form is a marriage that is progressing towards the Celestial standard. No, that is not a marriage - that is the lowly state of roommates with financial ties and occasional 'benefits'. Such is wrong in light of the higher law, and steps should be taken to repent and change the nature of the relationship, starting with one's own view of what a marriage is supposed to be. The same goes for the OP. I think you will get some clarity over your own extreme ambivalence when you rightly view your marriage for how truly broken it is.

I understand what you are saying here Ryan and I agree with you.

But, when I read the "battlefield" comment I completely related to it too. Yes, it can sometimes be a battlefield. But, it is not a battle between you and your spouse. It is a battle between your marriage versus __________ . Such as - ego, in-laws, pornography, poverty... Satan. So that, if both of you are not supporting each other to fight against the enemy, sometimes one of you will have to fight the enemy while carrying the other on your back... and yes, this fight is difficult and you need the proper weapons and/or training.

And no, I'm not talking about room-mates. I'm talking about husband and wife.

[ryanh]

And then how does Gatekeeper's or your post in any way relate to the OP? This thread not about tackling in-laws, financial difficulties, etc. This is about direct interpersonal relations.

[Suzie]

So, I'm thinking about this and I wonder - if my husband was an abusive person, would he have been able to hide it from me in those 2 years? I don't think he can.

I don't know. Some people seem to be better at picking up the "signs". Others don't.

But, to tell you the truth, I've never really met a terribly abusive person... or... have I? If I really think about it - I'm abusive. I have a temper problem and it can be very very bad. I don't like myself when I get these episodes. But, as of today, I still haven't found the solution to that problem. I am a very lucky person to have a husband who can withstand that storm, rise above it, and help me be better.

Just throwing a different perspective into the conversation...

Maybe this is why you don't possibly comprehend the dilemma of the OP. I'm hoping (with all kindness) that you don't take that for granted...ever (the fact that your husband chooses to stay with you despite of your anger management issue)

Just because someone maybe patient, tolerate (out of love or abuse) and withstand the storm of your abuse because they did a commitment with you in marriage doesn't mean they're not hurt or they will tolerate it forever, who knows they may cry in silence or even seek help outside like this sister is doing. If you consider yourself an abusive person as you said, there is someone who you are abusing. I am really wishing you all the best and hope you can seek help, for everyone involved.

God bless.

[Guest]

I don't know. Some people seem to be better at picking up the "signs". Others don't.

Maybe this is why you don't possibly comprehend the dilemma of the OP. I'm hoping (with all kindness) that you don't take that for granted...ever (the fact that your husband chooses to stay with you despite of your anger management issue)

Just because someone maybe patient, tolerate (out of love or abuse) and withstand the storm of your abuse because they did a commitment with you in marriage doesn't mean they're not hurt or they will tolerate it forever, who knows they may cry in silence or even seek help outside like this sister is doing. If you consider yourself an abusive person as you said, there is someone who you are abusing. I am really wishing you all the best and hope you can seek help, for everyone involved.

God bless.

And this is what I am trying to say. Everyone has their cross to bear. Some are gay, some have prediliction to alcohol, some have problems with pornography, some have anger management issues, some have no legs and no arms... yet, they are all swept up in Jesus Christ's atonement.

We have the responsibility to uplift our spouses.

It bothers me that a lot of people I know personally divorce their spouses because of a weakness that their spouse have without even trying to find a way to uplift the spouse to solve the problem. The weak person might understand there is a problem but does not have the power/knowledge/ability to solve it! All they know is that they are being attacked by the person they trust the most, their lives slipping away from them, and they have to somehow defend themselves in the only way they know how. So the abuse gets worse instead of gets better.

It is not easy to solve an anger management issue. I've had it since I went through my first menstrual cycle. It is completely hormonal. I went through therapists to get it controlled and before I married, I had it pretty much on a tight reign with some help from birth control pills - which as a Catholic was a giant thorn on my back. My husband knew about it before I married him. It's one of those things you can't hide for 2 years - and I never bothered to hide it. Because, my family and close friends are part of my support system to fight the problem.

Well, after I got married, I threw out my pills...

See, my husband knows it is a problem. He is willing to fight that battle WITH me. Not AGAINST me. Yes, it is a VERY big inter-personal knife over our heads and we pull our sleeves every so often and get in the trenches to fight it.

For anybody looking in, all they see is this witch abusing her husband. For us, and especially for me, it is a very tangible reality that my husband and I have to fight TOGETHER. We decided we're going to fight it without medication. And we're winning.

If he was any one of you posting here, I would be divorced without hope of an eternal companion... because... if my husband who loves me dearly cannot help me with this weakness WHO CAN?

Edited April 5, 2011 by anatess

[Suzie]

We have the responsibility to uplift our spouses.

We do. And it goes BOTH ways.

It bothers me that a lot of people I know personally divorce their spouses because of a weakness that their spouse have without even trying to find a way to uplift the spouse to solve the problem. The weak person might understand there is a problem but does not have the power/knowledge/ability to solve it! All they know is that they are being attacked by the person they trust the most, their lives slipping away from them, and they have to somehow defend themselves in the only way they know how. So the abuse gets worse instead of gets better.

I cannot speak for the people you personally know but I think we need to realize that most people won't give up in their marriage so quickly before trying to fix it somehow. When someone has an anger management issue and has turned out to be abusive, the whole thing gets even more complicated because the other spouse is now AFRAID to approach and talk because of the reaction the person may have (they tend to be overly sensitive). Sometimes the abuser, do not wish to seek for help. What is there for the other spouse to do? Sometimes there are children involved who witness the constant verbal abuse and anger of one of the spouses towards the other spouse, it can NEVER be beneficial to them. There are many, many things to be taken into consideration and not only about just sticking with the person regardless.

It is not easy to solve an anger management issue. I've had it since I went through my first menstrual cycle. It is completely hormonal. I went through therapists to get it controlled and before I married, I had it pretty much on a tight reign with some help from birth control pills - which as a Catholic was a giant thorn on my back. My husband knew about it before I married him. It's one of those things you can't hide for 2 years - and I never bothered to hide it. Because, my family and close friends are part of my support system to fight the problem.

I'm sorry to hear that. Did you try herbal or homeopathic remedies?

He is willing to fight that battle WITH me. Not AGAINST me. Yes, it is a VERY big inter-personal knife over our heads and we pull our sleeves every so often and get in the trenches to fight it.

I don't know the details of your personal situation but let's not paint those who choose to leave their spouse because of abuse as fighting AGAINST their husbands. It is a very difficult decision I am pretty sure they have to make and most of the time they do it for the sake of their children AND their overall mental and physical well being. I don't blame them.

If he was any one of you posting here, I would be divorced without hope of an eternal companion... because... if my husband who loves me dearly cannot help me with this weakness WHO CAN?

Jesus Christ. Take into consideration the enormous weight that your husband is carrying, he's a human. I'm just trying to say that just because someone chooses to stay with an abusive husband/wife doesn't mean is the right thing to do or they are "supporting" their spouse, sometimes they do it out of fear, guilt, etc. I am NOT saying this is your case eh, just speaking generally.

[Gatekeeper]

Let us all be guided in conversation by the one posting their problems in this thread. I am here for them and so are you. And by the way, don't twist my words, please. I prayed to come on this network to do good. If you gather around my words and not your own or the one posting a concern here, we all might just confuse things and chase away the good Lord's intentions. If you have something to say about what I've posted in response to any matter in this forum talk to me one on one by private message. I intend for you all to take me with respectful warm affection and good regards as I do for you. Thanks!

[Suzie]

Let us all be guided in conversation by the one posting their problems in this thread. I am here for them and so are you. And by the way, don't twist my words, please. I prayed to come on this network to do good. If you gather around my words and not your own or the one posting a concern here, we all might just confuse things and chase away the good Lord's intentions. If you have something to say about what I've posted in response to any matter in this forum talk to me one on one by private message. I intend for you all to take me with respectful warm affection and good regards as I do for you. Thanks!

I don't think anyone meant any disrespect but I shared my opinion just like you just shared yours. I'm sorry but personally I don't send PM's to every member on this board that I may disagree with. This is a public forum, it defeats the purpose if everyone sends PM's to each other every time they disagree. :)

[Guest]

I'm sorry to hear that. Did you try herbal or homeopathic remedies?

I've tried EVERYTHING.

I don't know the details of your personal situation but let's not paint those who choose to leave their spouse because of abuse as fighting AGAINST their husbands. It is a very difficult decision I am pretty sure they have to make and most of the time they do it for the sake of their children AND their overall mental and physical well being. I don't blame them.

I'm not painting anybody. I'm MERELY giving a different perspective on the OP's problem. There's a difference between somebody who is abusive because they want to be and somebody who is abusive because they have a weakness they are trying to overcome but failed.

Here's a juxtaposition - this autistic boy in my child's school threw a metal trophy at a teacher cutting her on the cheek. Abusive? Yes. Is he trying to be better? Of course. But, he currently doesn't have the control he needs to get there. It takes years of teaching the boy how to cope and maybe it will never get there. If he gets married, then the wife accepted this weakness and is willing to work with him on it. A lot of people are in this same position except not as extreme. This is how my husband and I's relationship is. He not only learned how to deal with my weakness, he learned how to help me overcome it. He knows that I am fighting myself, not him. It is a chemical imbalance that is not something you can just "will away". My children knows this too. Completely. They had to. They live with me!

But see, my weakness does not define me. That's not who I am. I am a LOT more than that. My love for my husband and children is undeniable.

Jesus Christ. Take into consideration the enormous weight that your husband is carrying, he's a human. I'm just trying to say that just because someone chooses to stay with an abusive husband/wife doesn't mean is the right thing to do or they are "supporting" their spouse, sometimes they do it out of fear, guilt, etc. I am NOT saying this is your case eh, just speaking generally.

My husband took on that weight when he married me. It is not that he chose to stay - he chose to TAKE IT ON. It's not like he didn't know what he was getting into! And no, my husband used to be a runway model. He had the pick of girls all over the nation. He picked me. If you get to know my husband, you'll see that he's one of those larger than life people who doesn't know the meaning of doing something out of fear or guilt.

But yes, I understand what you mean by "generally speaking". Like I said - this is just another perspective on the OP's issue.

[ryanh]

Everyone has their cross to bear. Some are gay, some have prediliction to alcohol, some have problems with pornography, some have anger management issues, some have no legs and no arms... yet, they are all swept up in Jesus Christ's atonement.

And yet others have other crosses to bear - like the OP who has a person that is supposed to be a helpmeet who is undermining her in many ways. And on top of that cross is all of the judgment and prejudice thrown her way from members that simply don't understand, or won't let others have their personal weaknesses too. You have graciously exposed your weakness to us Anatess in hopes of facilitating understanding, and I sincerely don't want to say anything interpreted as attacking that. But, while your issue may be anger, perhaps the OP's personal issue is an inability to persevere in demeaning and degrading circumstances. And that is OK. Christ does not expect perfection from her any more than he expects you to never loose it.

I’m going to presume the best Anatess, and work from the position that despite your personal challenges that are an issue for your marriage, that there are many other ways that you meet your husband’s needs. Other things you do that fill his “love bank”. (were it not so, then I would conclude he is either a masochist, or slowly being worn down and on the way out) If that is correct, then that would be a fundamental difference from your position and the situation the OP paints. Love, affection, connection, meeting emotional needs, all uplift and counteract the difficult emotional issues we face in marriage. But when there is no such uplifting, but only negative, then it does cause a situation apparently you have not faced (and I hope you never do). Having experienced it, I can well see why the OP has lost love, and feels the need to get out.

I don't know the details of your personal situation but let's not paint those who choose to leave their spouse because of abuse as fighting AGAINST their husbands. It is a very difficult decision I am pretty sure they have to make and most of the time they do it for the sake of their children AND their overall mental and physical well being. I don't blame them.

Thank you. That is precisely my sentiment. Members of the Church that end up divorced get enough proverbial "sand in the eyes" from the doctrine that marriage is to be eternal, expectations of perfection, etc, that they don't need castigation from those that have never experienced it and simply don't understand.

[Guest]

And yet others have other crosses to bear - like the OP who has a person that is supposed to be a helpmeet who is undermining her in many ways. And on top of that cross is all of the judgment and prejudice thrown her way from members that simply don't understand, or won't let others have their personal weaknesses too. You have graciously exposed your weakness to us Anatess in hopes of facilitating understanding, and I sincerely don't want to say anything interpreted as attacking that. But, while your issue may be anger, perhaps the OP's personal issue is an inability to persevere in demeaning and degrading circumstances. And that is OK. Christ does not expect perfection from her any more than he expects you to never loose it.

I’m going to presume the best Anatess, and work from the position that despite your personal challenges that are an issue for your marriage, that there are many other ways that you meet your husband’s needs. Other things you do that fill his “love bank”. (were it not so, then I would conclude he is either a masochist, or slowly being worn down and on the way out) If that is correct, then that would be a fundamental difference from your position and the situation the OP paints. Love, affection, connection, meeting emotional needs, all uplift and counteract the difficult emotional issues we face in marriage. But when there is no such uplifting, but only negative, then it does cause a situation apparently you have not faced (and I hope you never do). Having experienced it, I can well see why the OP has lost love, and feels the need to get out.

Thank you. That is precisely my sentiment. Members of the Church that end up divorced get enough proverbial "sand in the eyes" from the doctrine that marriage is to be eternal, expectations of perfection, etc, that they don't need castigation from those that have never experienced it and simply don't understand.

AGREE 100%. And this is why I persevered in this thread - even exposing some raw, uncomfortable experiences. Because there is always 2 sides to the situation. I'm standing on the one side to give the OP a wider perspective. And I'm glad you are standing solid on your side as well.

Because, sometimes - I dare say most times - when we get hurt we get so caught up in the negative that we fail to see that it may just be a molehill in the big tapestry of marriage. When the husband is not here to express his side of things, we can't really know if the OP just got temporarily blinded because of all the hurt, or if this is truly a dangerous situation she is in. Giving her both perspectives will help her see the situation in its entirety so she can make the best decision on how to move forward - whether to run from the bad marriage or stay and try to make the ailing marriage survive.

[MormonMama]

And this is what I am trying to say. Everyone has their cross to bear. Some are gay, some have prediliction to alcohol, some have problems with pornography, some have anger management issues, some have no legs and no arms... yet, they are all swept up in Jesus Christ's atonement.

We have the responsibility to uplift our spouses.

It bothers me that a lot of people I know personally divorce their spouses because of a weakness that their spouse have without even trying to find a way to uplift the spouse to solve the problem. The weak person might understand there is a problem but does not have the power/knowledge/ability to solve it! All they know is that they are being attacked by the person they trust the most, their lives slipping away from them, and they have to somehow defend themselves in the only way they know how. So the abuse gets worse instead of gets better.

It is not easy to solve an anger management issue. I've had it since I went through my first menstrual cycle. It is completely hormonal. I went through therapists to get it controlled and before I married, I had it pretty much on a tight reign with some help from birth control pills - which as a Catholic was a giant thorn on my back. My husband knew about it before I married him. It's one of those things you can't hide for 2 years - and I never bothered to hide it. Because, my family and close friends are part of my support system to fight the problem.

Well, after I got married, I threw out my pills...

See, my husband knows it is a problem. He is willing to fight that battle WITH me. Not AGAINST me. Yes, it is a VERY big inter-personal knife over our heads and we pull our sleeves every so often and get in the trenches to fight it.

For anybody looking in, all they see is this witch abusing her husband. For us, and especially for me, it is a very tangible reality that my husband and I have to fight TOGETHER. We decided we're going to fight it without medication. And we're winning.

If he was any one of you posting here, I would be divorced without hope of an eternal companion... because... if my husband who loves me dearly cannot help me with this weakness WHO CAN?

You sound like me with my husband. Thanks, in part, to my bi-polar disorder, I can fly into a rage in a split-second. I can literally go from happy, going about my day, etc. and one little thing will set me off and I'll be screaming and throwing things. And whatever set me off may have NEVER set me off before! I never know what is going to cause me to lose it.

DH knew this well before he agreed to marry me. It's been hard, but he's stuck by me. However, I have gotten help for my problems and I have improved, so maybe that's why. If I didn't see what I was doing as a problem or refused to get help, then I don't see how I could blame him if he bailed on me.

And I think that's what you're trying to say: that if the spouse has a problem but is trying to fight it, then the other spouse has a responsibility to help them in their fight. But if the spouse with the problem refuses to fight the battle against it, the other spouse can't be expected to fight it for them. Speaking along those lines, my husband and I are definitely in a battle together against my bi-polar disorder, but unfortunately sometimes he gets hit by friendly fire (thankfully rarely).

I also feel a need to say that if the other spouse or the children are getting hurt, then all bets are off. I know my husband and kids love me, but because I love them if things got to the point where I was a physical danger to them I'd want them to GET OUT before I seriously hurt someone. I think when safety becomes an issue, love and support of the person with the anger management issues just has to take a back seat.

Edited April 6, 2011 by MormonMama

[AltF4Aveon]

lol.

Give him a good head everyday and you'll be fine.

trust me.

jejeje

[AltF4Aveon]

oh.

and start shaving ur "between ur legs".

[crashdown]

Regarding the phrase "cross to bear" and abuse, I must respectfully disagree. Abuse is never something that is to be tolerated or endured, as in a "cross to bear." It is evil! Enduring to the end does not mean passively accepting evil. It means to fight against evil, to do everything in our power to stop it. Abuse is evil and must be stopped because it destroys not only the victim but also the abuser. Abuse destroys trust, love, and our relationship with God. It has the potential to destroy a person's eternal life!

People who divorce their abusive spouse do so only after going to heroic lengths to save their marriage. And they agonize over it, especially if they have been married and sealed in the temple. Just because an abuse victim chooses to divorce his/her spouse, does not mean they don't take their covenants seriously. They most certainly do! And that is why they have agonized for so long over the thought of divorce. That is the reason they have tried everything they can think of to salvage their marriage.

And yes, people change! Abusers are masters of manipulation and deceit. Some say the signs are always there. However, abusers don't wear black hats to identify themselves. They are most likely charming, kind, supportive to everyone else but not to their victim. Quite often, the victim is the only one who sees the abusive side.

To the op: There are many good books which can help you. I recommend you read "Confronting Abuse: From An LDS Perspective". It can be found in most libraries and at Deseret Book. Also try reading "Smart Women Know When to Say No" by Kevin Leman. He's not LDS, but the book is very helpful and well written. Neither of these books encourage divorce nor do they insist on staying in an abusive marriage. They give you insight into why your abuser acts the way he does and things you can do to protect yourself. Seek GOOD counseling (not all counseling is created equal!) and read GOOD books on abuse (not all books are created equal either, LDS authors or not)

I say all this because I have lived in an abusive marriage for 19 years. My husband is verbally, emotionally, sometimes physically, and sometimes sexually abusive to me. I have tried counseling, talking to my bishop, reading every book on abuse I can find, confiding to family and friends, fasting, prayer, temple attendance, etc. I have taken the advice of many well meaning people and have had the abuse escalate because of it. My immediate family is dead and I am allowed very little contact with my extended family. I have no friends I can trust (they all think he is wonderful). I have nowhere to live except in my car with my children, so I have decided to stay until they get a little older. It is difficult on the best of days, and I keep praying that when I finally leave this marriage it won't be too late. Everything I have said here is knowledge I have gained from my own personal experiences with abuse. I am not a therapist. Just someone who is desperately trying to make the best of a hellish situation.

[Suzie]

I say all this because I have lived in an abusive marriage for 19 years. My husband is verbally, emotionally, sometimes physically, and sometimes sexually abusive to me. I have tried counseling, talking to my bishop, reading every book on abuse I can find, confiding to family and friends, fasting, prayer, temple attendance, etc. I have taken the advice of many well meaning people and have had the abuse escalate because of it. My immediate family is dead and I am allowed very little contact with my extended family. I have no friends I can trust (they all think he is wonderful). I have nowhere to live except in my car with my children, so I have decided to stay until they get a little older. It is difficult on the best of days, and I keep praying that when I finally leave this marriage it won't be too late. Everything I have said here is knowledge I have gained from my own personal experiences with abuse. I am not a therapist. Just someone who is desperately trying to make the best of a hellish situation.

Wow Crashdown, does your Bishop know all the details about your situation? You are describing something terrible and I think the authorities (police) should be notified immediately, I am pretty sure if you talk to your Bishop he can help you out with finding a place to live with your kids until you can recover, find a job, etc.

We're talking about SAFETY here and the safety of your kids!

[joyalgirl5298]

I think I know where you're coming from. I've been married for 30 years and I've hated my husband more than I've loved him. For the very reasons you describe. When we dated, became engaged, and were first married, his attitudes weren't apparent. He seemed like my knight in shining armor. Now, I feel I've wasted my life on someone whose selfishness has been the motivating factor in how we interacted as a couple and also how we parented. I attempted suicide. I left him. Tried counseling. I loved him so much at first that I couldn't believe I was so wrong about someone and kept trying to get that love back. It's only now that I'm waking up to my error. Don't let anybody shame or guilt you. If I had it to do over again, I'd never have married him.

[ruthiechan]

and the guilt is killing me. My husband and I have been together for only 4 years (we were sealed in the temple one year ago). The problem is that we fight a lot and he is so hostile and cold towards me, it has turned off the love I used to have for him. He has serious communication issues (can't calmly speak to me about things when he's upset) and he gives me the cold shoulder for days. He did not grow up in the church and although he seems to want to be LDS, he does the unrightious dominion thing and resists a lot of the basic rules (like going to church every Sunday, keeping the sabath day holy, etc). He also has a very agressive personality which came out after we got married. I feel so helpless b/c I don't think leaving is the right thing to do but I can't stand being around him or even hearing his voice sometimes. I talked to my bishop about this one time and he suggested counceling but when my husband found out I talked to the bishop, he got very angry and refused counceling. How can I stay with someone who makes me so unhappy? I am also trying to deal with the guilt of feeling so much hatred towards him. It is so depressing b/c I should feel love for this man but I don't. We have so many more issues than just what I've told you here, but do I really want to spend eternity with someone I hate here on Earth?

You do not have to answer these questions on the forum and some answers you will not have because it'll take some serious observation on your part to determine any patterns.

How is he hostile? Does he break things, threaten to hurt you? Or is it, I can't believe you did that?

When he gives you the cold shoulder do you allow him to walk away from the argument or do you keep harassing him about it? Sometimes the cold shoulder is, I need to walk away from this right now, but then there's the possibility of further discussion later.

What does he get angry about? Is there anything that particularly fires him up?

Is there a particular time of the day he gets angry the most?

Does he get like that if he hasn't eaten or eaten certain kinds of food?

What kind of job does he have?

Does he have a history of drug or alcohol abuse?

How long have you had these problems in the last four years? Have they intensified since you were sealed together?

How do YOU try to solve problems with him? Are you accusatory? Do you withhold sex or affection?

Have YOU become less attentive and he's acting out? Do you spend your time helping others or going out to things but don't spend the time to serve your husband? A lot of people do that, try to save the world and then forget that the most important people to save is your family.

What commandments are you not keeping? No, do not focus on your husband, focus on YOU. What are YOU doing to spiritually sustain yourself? Have you attended the Temple recently?

There is the possibility that your husband is very unhappy about something, and men are discouraged by society to be other than cool and calm or ANGRY. Boys don't cry, etc. It's crazy and counter to what women want, but there it is (and yes, I've read a lot of sound research on this, it's nuts).

There is the possibility that his working environment is toxic both emotionally and physically. Read this: The Amen Clinics

Read the book "the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", as someone suggested. I found it quite helpful.

You said yourself you do not feel that leaving is the right thing to do. You are probably right. It also means you do not hate your husband, you hate his anger and miss the sweetness.

You need to fast and pray about to do, and to pray about what YOU can do to help the situation. If you are focusing only on changing your husband in your prayers then you're doomed to failure. God is not going to take away his agency, but through YOU and the necessary changes YOU make, you can support all of your husband's righteous endeavors, and you will likely save your marriage and get the man you miss back. If do you everything within YOUR power to save your marriage, relying on the Lord and following the guidance of the Spirit, then, if things still fall flat, at least you'll know that you did everything you could and can stand spotless before God about this very issue. That is very very important.

Edited June 13, 2011 by ruthiechan

[gadget]

and the guilt is killing me. My husband and I have been together for only 4 years (we were sealed in the temple one year ago). The problem is that we fight a lot and he is so hostile and cold towards me, it has turned off the love I used to have for him. He has serious communication issues (can't calmly speak to me about things when he's upset) and he gives me the cold shoulder for days. He did not grow up in the church and although he seems to want to be LDS, he does the unrightious dominion thing and resists a lot of the basic rules (like going to church every Sunday, keeping the sabath day holy, etc). He also has a very agressive personality which came out after we got married. I feel so helpless b/c I don't think leaving is the right thing to do but I can't stand being around him or even hearing his voice sometimes. I talked to my bishop about this one time and he suggested counceling but when my husband found out I talked to the bishop, he got very angry and refused counceling. How can I stay with someone who makes me so unhappy? I am also trying to deal with the guilt of feeling so much hatred towards him. It is so depressing b/c I should feel love for this man but I don't. We have so many more issues than just what I've told you here, but do I really want to spend eternity with someone I hate here on Earth?

There is a big difference between someone with a temper problem and someone that is abusive. We all have a temper threshold. Your husband sounds like he is there and is staying there. The real question is does he ever let it go to rage? Do you ever feel unsafe? Why is he stuck at this point of frustration? Men are much more likely to express ourselves angrily then women when we get to really low or dark points in our lives. Why is he in such a low state of being?? Most men are not very good at communicating. Some are but not most.

Assuming that he is not abusive and just as frustrated as you, maybe you should both ask yourselves why you got married? You mentioned that you don't want to stay with someone that makes you so unhappy, my question to you is this - is it your husbands job to make you happy?Is it your job to make him happy? Is he angry because he is drained and can't deal with your needs and maintain his own? Are you both feeling drained?

I would not focus on the loss of feeling love right now. That feeling will always come back. You need to focus on why you got married in the first place. What did you expect from the marriage? Did you want someone to make you happy or someone to serve and be a support partner when needed? Does your husband expect you to make him happy? This feeling of hate you have, what is causing it??? Are you angry because he is not being someone you want him to be or doing what you want him to do?

I was fortunate enough to figure out how to deal with anger and frustration before I got married. My wife would not of like me if she had married me in my early twenties. I have come a long way. Problem is your husband needs to deal with these things and figure them out and you need to deal with your own problems too while being married. There is a really good book called The Celestine Prophecy I had read that helped me figure out allot of why I was so frustrated and how such a simple thing of my spirit being empty can cause much havoc.

Some of the best advice I ever got was to keep all your problems outside of your marriage and work on them together. Don't let them get between you.

Edited June 13, 2011 by gadget