I think I hate my husband

[Dravin]

1) why did you get lost?

Actually that one can be an extremely valid question leading to potential realization of behavior one can do to avoid becoming lost in the future. Why one is in the predicament they are in is a valid question as long as the askee realizes sometimes the answer is, "Through no fault of my own." Also it can help give the person who is providing an answer to the question some context as to the best way to help them achieve their goal. If the answer for instance was, "The directions say turn by cardinal direction and my car doesn't have a compass and I can't mentally keep north in mind." Then supplying them with more cardinal directions doesn't help, but giving them an easy way to keep cardinal directions (e.g. The Wasatch Mountains are on your east.), or by giving them direction couched in left and right could help.

Of course the tone and manner of asking matters a lot, if it's incredulous it's just a variation of:

I don't understand how you could have gotten lost because I've never been lost.

Which isn't particularly helpful. Unless of course it's to be taken as a statement of, "I don't understand your situation as I haven't been there." Then it communicates a lack of mutual reference point and possibly implies a request for helping them understand. Just reading the words though a neutral reading isn't the first one that comes to mind. It's a comment usually steeped in, once again, incredulity.

Edited April 12, 2012 by Dravin

[Guest]

One thing I've figured out is that it was easy for me to be skeptical of another person's struggle from the outside but when I found myself going through it myself and discovering the depths and darkness of the struggle I found myself much more sympathetic to how difficult a struggle can be. Hopefully you will never have to experience the struggles others have had in their relationships in order to learn how painful and lonely they can be. But even if you are that fortunate you still chose to be sympathetic and try to be understanding rather than calling struggles you haven't had to face into question.

You're kidding me. Struggle from the outside... eh. Take this: I am an LDS woman who completely believes in free agency but has always been a slave to my dark-side so much so that I threw a knife at my husband with complete knowledge of how extremely evil that is yet was completely powerless to control it. Struggle much? And, oh yeah, I have 2 small kids in this house my husband and I have to protect from my dark-side. Peachy. Understanding... hah, yeah. If abuse was a college degree, I'd have a PhD.

Edited April 12, 2012 by anatess

[JudoMinja]

I hadn't posted on this thread yet, because I never noticed the original post from over a year ago until hbgb came to add on about her similar situation. I've been reading over everything, trying to see if there was anything I could add to the discussion. I'm quoting hbgb's original post below for reference for myself, as this is what I will be adressing instead of the OP from the person who started the thread- since that person has not returned to the discussion and probably got all the help they needed already:

I have been dealing with this same issue for years and have just gotten to the point where I can't take it any more. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and have 4 children. He is a convert and I was inactive. I got pregnant and just figured that I had to marry him. I loved him at first but because of so many issues building up for so many years, I ended up cheating on him in the hopes that he would find out and want a divorce. Yes, I know, it's stupid and I pay for that mistake every day of my life. I regret it and hate that I have hurt him.

I have since reconciled the situation but still cannot stand to be around him most of the time. I'm tired of being the one who puts all the effort into everything. He also has a terrible temper and has treated me and the kids terribly for years. He does everything halfway, including his callings in the church and his duty as the patriarch of our family, but what is the worst is that he gives me grief about the way I want to have FHE and family scripture study.

How do you accept the fact that you will be with this person for eternity when you can barely make it through the weekend?

First of all, the way your marriage started off sounds exactly like how mine did. I had gone inactive, met a convert to the church who "stole my heart", broke the law of chastity, and married to do the "right thing". That marriage, however, ended inside of a year because my husband had been extremely abusive. Now, before people start jumping the gun on the abuse train, I do not use the term loosely. Several people here already know some of the details of my previous marriage and divorce, and I was committed to staying true to my covenants and seeing my marriage through thick and thin, until I felt the life of my child was threatened.

While I believe that abusive situations sometimes merit divorce, I also believe that it is possible for two people to work it out if both really have the desire to do so and the abuse is not so extreme as to put safety in jeopardy. Too many people in the world use the term abuse lightly and use it as an excuse to escape a situation they just don't want to work on anymore. So you need to ask yourself- Are you in danger? Are your children in danger? If the answer to either of those questions is "yes" then you need to make some immediate changes to get yourselves out of harms way. Whether that change means divorce or separation is up to you.

If you still feel safe, then it is time to roll up your sleeves for some serious work. You made a commitment to this man. Now you say, you feel like you hate him... This is because you have allowed a destructive cycle to continue for too long. You need to "change the dance"- to steal a quote from anatess. You need to recognize that you cannot control or change him, but you can control and change yourself. You can determine what you will and will not tolerate, set limitations, and alter how you respond to his behavior. You can seek out help from bishops, books, friends, counselors, professionals... The idea is to not give up without an extremely good reason to do so.

None of us here know enough about your situation to know which route is best for you. We can offer you advice based on what you share with us, but ultimately the choice is in your hands. You are the one with all the information. I strongly advice you to take stock of your saftey and the safety of your children first. If you feel that any of you are threatened, you need to get somewhere that you will feel safe. Once that is addressed, you can work on everything else.

However, I am with anatess in that I think many people give up on their marriages far too easily. I don't think her comments have been insensitive- she has merely shared her personal side/story and identified that it is possible to improve a marriage with someone who exibits abusive behavior, if that person is willing to work on it with you. So before giving up, you need to determine if your husband has that willingness and desire. You need to alter your "dance" and see if he follows your lead. If he puts up resistance and refuses to work to better the situation, you may be in a place where divorce is the only option for moving forward. But exhaust all other possibilities before making that decision.

And as an aside for anatess- You mentioned not understanding how abuse can be hidden for extended periods of time. I think I can explain that. In most cases, an abuser sets a "trap" of sorts to reel a person in and gain control over them. Depending on their trap-setting skill and the pliability of the one they are attempting to trap, this can happen slowly or quickly. Their first goal is to cut you off- socially, emotionally, financially etc. Secluding you from friends by monopolizing your time, convincing you those friends cannot be trusted, being possessive or overly jealous of others, etc. Convincing you you cannot even trust yourself or your own judgement and must instead rely on him/her. You get pulled in bit by bit until you have nowhere to go, nobody to turn to, and are completely reliant on the abuser. Then, they strike. Once you are under their control, they can do as they wish.

In my situation this happened quickly. I was on an emotional high and euphoria from just being in a romantic relationship and was easily manipulated. I was already far from the influence of my family and starting to feel cut off from my friends as they were splitting off, so it was easy for him to pull me under his influence and seclude me. I believe that in most cases, it would be difficult for an abuser to keep up the "reeling" with someone who was not as pliable as I was, but there are some who do this very very slowly- over years of time.

Now this is because these are people who are in complete control of themselves and their faculties. They know what they can get away with and what will cause them trouble. They know how to hold back and strike only where it will hurt most and be the easiest to cover up. Since your abusive tendancies are due to problems with anger management, you are a different thing altogether. You aren't trying to pull your husband and children into a pit where you can control them and exerting your power and dominance. You are just struggling to contain yourself and your temper. This leads you to doing things that are abusive, but you are not, per se, an "abusive person". I think this is why it is harder for you to see and understand how it could happen- because you can identify with abusers in that you find yourself doing many of the same things, but you don't have the same mindset or intent, the same control.

A truly "abusive person" is a skilled manipulator. Such a person has an image in their mind of the way things should be and then does everything in their power to MAKE it that way. They look for people who are pliable and easily subverted so that they can have control over them. While I believe many people experience abuse and many people do things that can be seen as abusive, I think there are very very few people who actually fit this criteria for a truly abusive person.

[mhsmd]

My husband and I had a friend and her husband over for dinner the other night. Our sink was PILED with dishes, so I jokingly told them that we'd been having some strife over getting my husband to do the dishes when it's his turn. My friend actually said something really awesome: The man has to respect the woman. It has been said in General Conference that men will pay for the tears that they cause women, because they do have authority and that authority can be abused. She even said that if a marriage has real respect problems from the husband, then the couple should go to the bishop about it. That's not even crossing the lines into abuse, imo, it's just a matter of respect for women. I don't know is that helps, it just came to mind as I was reading this.

[sshannonbb]

i was in the same situation!!

[Rabboni]

Do not divorce him. Honor your covenants. Endure to the end. Love him as Christ loves the church. That is the advice from the scriptures and the prophets.

[Misshalfway]

Do not divorce him. Honor your covenants. Endure to the end. Love him as Christ loves the church. That is the advice from the scriptures and the prophets.

Jesus didn't put up with abuse. What was it that he said about a millstone?

How exactly do you conceptualize love? It sounds like you are equating it with becoming a doormat. Keeping marriage covenants never requires one to put up with abuse.

It's ok to stand firm and say "no!". It's ok to move oneself out of proximity of harm at any time and within any context. If we are to truly learn the lessons of love and to "Love others as Christ loves the church" then saying NO will be part of that. God says no all the time. He says no when it in the best interest and safety of His children. He says no when his children don't obey. I see no problem with any of his children following this example.

Unbalanced advice like this worries me. It disempowers and enslaves. And that, as I recall, was Satan's plan.

Yes, we value marriage and uphold it wherever we can. No we don't advocate divorce. But God, in His tender mercies, allows marriages to end. We are not held to the highest restrictions of marriage while here in this telestial world.

[MorningStar]

Do not divorce him. Honor your covenants. Endure to the end. Love him as Christ loves the church. That is the advice from the scriptures and the prophets.

Maybe you should add this comment to the one about the husband adding canned meat to his wife's chili?

[tumbledquartz]

Maybe you should add this comment to the one about the husband adding canned meat to his wife's chili?

I'm feeling like I missed something interesting.... Maybe I need to move into my mom's basement so I have more time to read all the posts on this site.

[Guest]

My mom doesn't even have a basement, so what am I supposed to do?