Forgiveness: Is it really possible?

[richards]

I dated my wife for about 2 years before my mission. We frequently spoke about how we wanted to get married. Before I left I asked her to promise me that she wouldn't do anything immoral with another guy while I was gone, and in return I would focus on my mission and be the best I could be and I wouldn't worry about her more than the people in the state where I was serving.

I returned home about 10 years ago. She wrote me throughout the mission, so I wanted to get married soon after I returned. I came to find out that she had engaged in some inappropriate sexual behavior with another guy (she didn't go 'all the way', but it was something that required repentance). She hadn't bothered to take care of the repentance process while I was gone, and she wasn't really apologetic for what she did. She was embarrassed that I found out though, and I think she had some regrets about what she did, but not about pursuing a relationship with the person.

That led me to an irrational line of thinking that I should engage in the same immoral acts with her. The anger towards what she did would come up about once a week between us, and I am surprised that she stuck with me.

We received a lot of pressure from friends and parents to marry, and unfortunately from our bishops as well. We began attending the same ward and shortly after that bishop began pressuring us to marry. We went and confessed what we were doing and he counseled us separately, she to move on and not talk about what she did, and me to marry her and forgive her, and both of us to move on and sin no more.

After that I felt great. I didn't even think about what I saw as her betrayal of me. I really suppressed my feelings about it.

Shortly after we were married, every time I felt rejected for sex or in our relationship, feelings of anger regarding what she did while I was on my mission began to creep in. I entertained the feelings. I began to lust after other women and fantasize about hurting my wife emotionally the way she hurt me. I wished I had it in me to commit adultery so that she could understand how I felt about what she "did to me". You can see the irrational thinking that I started to entertain.

8 years later, I still have negative feelings every few months along with fantasies about being with other more "chaste" women. I bring up my feelings with her from time to time and she gets mad at me. That makes the problem worse.

It is apparent to me that I have a psychological problem, but I also have a religious problem. How do I forgive my wife? I feel like I am surrounded by darkness from time to time from which I have no escape. Should I tell her how I am feeling? What should I do?

[mightynancy]

I imagine some sessions with a counselor can help you find peace. Forgiving ourselves and others can be really hard, but it's worth the effort!

Forgiveness doesn't require that the person who wronged us do anything at all - forgiveness is something that happens inside of you. Beware of the desire to ensure she is punished (by you, by remorse, by authority)...it's very destructive to a partnership of equals. If you don't feel like your eternal companion is your equal, well, work on that, too.

Best wishes to you!

[applepansy]

My heart goes out to you. Its hard to let go sometimes but through the atonement you can do it. Forgiveness will free your heart.

Here's a great talk by Elder Faust:

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

[rameumptom]

You have now developed a habit of using your anger against your wife to justify your personal sins. You cannot fully forgive her as long as you are using that "justified anger" to justify your own sins.

First, work on your repentance. You aren't there yet. Stop focusing on your wife's weaknesses, and work on your own. Jesus taught of the mote and the beam. Well, the beam is in your own eye right now. You are using her mote (something she did a decade ago) to justify your beam.

You should see a counselor. Your bishop should be able to guide you towards one that uses LDS concepts. There are also several very good books on forgiveness and repentance available from the Church, some written by LDS marriage counselors or psychologists.

Sadly, you have a chance at a wonderful marriage with lots of happiness and joy with this woman. Instead, you are looking for ways to sabotage your own marriage.

[Roxie3]

I have been in your position. In fact it has come up recently with my spouse and his infidelity. He does not see how I can ever forgive him. This is what I told him.

"I may not be at the point of complete forgiveness but this is something that I have to do myself for myself. I made a commitment to keep my marriage together and work things out. This means that I can not dwell on the past. I don't ignore what was done by any means but I can not throw this in your face. It gains nothing but pain on both of our parts, and neither of us can heal."

Please take what I said to him to heart. Bringing up this pain that happened before your marriage will gain you nothing. Go see a counselor and deal with this issue inside yourself. I can not stress this enough. You have to be able to give forgiveness. She has dealt with her repentance with the lord. If he has forgiven her you must too.

Move forward in your marriage and try not to look back. Forgive yourself for your angry thoughts. Understand that sometimes those thoughts will creep up on you. But that means you must recognize that those thoughts are hitting you because the advisary is working on you knowing that this is a weakness for you. You have to stop those thoughts and mean feelings in their tracks when they happen. Stop and say a quick prayer for calmness. I did this so many times for a long time and it worked every single time to calm me down. In time I started to get angry at the advisary for working on me all the time and those feelings and thoughts slowed down considerably. They are still there at times when I am insecure but I now recognize them and stop them before they blow up at me.

No one is perfect. Not me, not you, not your wife. Only the savior. Let the past be the past and forgive her for yourself. You can tell how anger and pain has festered in you. It is apparent that you do not like it. You can control this if you really want to but you have to take steps to do that. Those books previously mentioned are very good. Counseling will help.

[FunkyTown]

Hey Richards,

Just thought I'd chime in on this. You're going through a rough period, since these sorts of feelings don't really get discussed much in church. You've said a few things, however, which I thought I'd address:

1) You say that you feel these feelings well up when you're rejected for sex, or that you have fantasies of being with more 'Chaste' women.

Fantasies are normal. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can get past it. A flashing thought, when fed, becomes a torrid stream. Many men have fantasies about virginal women. Many men also have fantasies about the exact opposite. Men are a remarkably easy to please bunch in this regard. With that in mind, I'd want you to think about the following:

What do you want when you discuss these fantasies with your wife? Tears? Sobbing words of contrition? Do you want her to dress up in white and have you pretend to be a pirate?

That last may seem funny, but if you're feeling guilty about your fantasies, you may be confusing that guilt/frustration about wanting a better sex life with anger towards your wife. If, on the other hand, you really want your wife to break down in to tears or to pick fights with you. then you need to figure out if it's because you're lashing out at her because you're angry at her or merely going through the inevitable growing pains of marriage.

Are you feeling bored, frustrated and complacent? Sometimes, we pick fights when we feel this way. Your wife probably does as well. In this case, you might just want to spice things up. Remember, however, that the biggest aphrodisiac for a married woman is often having the guy volunteer to do the dishes. You may have to help out, get her relaxed and then talk about the things you want to try.

2) You say that you have a psychological problem and also a religious problem.

I'd say it's more the former - And not in any bad way. We all have issues we're working through. Think about all the times when you feel angry about this 'Betrayal'. Have you noticed a pattern? Just reading your post, I have. You're showing some pretty classic signs of displaced anger. The three biggest causes of fights in marriage are sex, money and religion. Since the only the last two are really addressed at church, the first can still be a problem and we don't know how to deal with it. I think, if you search yourself, you'll find out what you're -really- angry at and then you'll be able to forgive your wife - And even realize she has nothing you need to forgive her for.

As an aside, I was baptized by an Elder Richards who got off his mission about ten years ago. While you probably aren't him, I have a lot of love for that man and he was an amazing person. I have no doubt that you are every bit as good a person as he was and you should be proud that you realize that you need to move past this rather than your wife.

You're closer than you think.