More eternal companions in the sea

[jayanna]

I have dreams that teach me. When I was asingle lds mom, I dreamt that I was married to Jesus, yes Jesus. Weirded me out a little, so I prayed and asked abou t it. NO, I was not marrying Jesus, but He was representing the person I needed to look for to marry. My potential spouse needed to be like Jesus, that was the kind of person I was supposed to look for.

The dream taught me that 1. I needed to prepare myself to be married to someone who is like Jesus and 2. the person that I should marry will have qualities like his.

You need to work on you. I think this feeling you have experienced with this girl is something that you will not only run into once.

I also was able to know things between my first husband and myself. He knew things without me telling him all the time. For example, our car broke down. He did not know anything about cars I mean nothing, not even how to change the oil, but I called him and told him what happened, that the car had broken down. After I spoke with him, Someone offered to fix it for me, and started to work on it. The only part he had, though, was the wrong part. I had no way to go to the local car parts store to get a different one. My husband showed up...with the correct part...when he didn't even know what was being fixed or that I didn't have the correct part...or who was working on it. He just knew. I asked him, "How did you know?" and he tapped the side of his head, what we always did when we could just 'sense' the other.

I still know when he is in trouble or about to call, or anything major is going on with him, even though I have spoken with him about 3 times in the last 5 years, oddly there is still a connection. I know when he is in pain or in trouble. I knew when he got remarried and when his recent child was born, I know when he tries to call me...he wrote me 2 letters lately (that my new hubby opened and read b/c I wouldn't) about when he called and I already knew. I stood staring at the phone knowing who it was and chose not to pick it up. I knew it was because he finally got the son he wanted. He was happy and I could feel it...and I don't want anything to do with him...so I don't answer.

He, however, was extremely abusive to me during our marriage, in the absolute most terrifying way, and I left him. He has made his life choices, and chose not to value me as a human being, and has chosen a life without me. There is nothing I can do about it, and oddly when I left and got divorced I didn't shed a single tear, no not one. You can't force someone to feel the same way you do, no matter how bad you want it.

I am now happily, very happily married. My hubby is wonderful to me, and has adopted my 2 children, and we have been sealed in the temple. I couldn't be happier with him.

[seanroberts]

Slamjet:

I dreamed a girl loved me, and made me feel love for the first time. I felt whole. That is what I looked for all my life. I feel like I failed in rescuing her, and saving her from the turmoil that followed after I foresook her as "the girl of my dreams". My under-aged cousin that admires me most of her childhood I was around, told my mom she wishes her parents were more like me (my mom was so proud of me), grows older, and wants to get closer to me, and I turn her away. That was the first time, and other times I turned her away because I just didn't want it to be the case I guess.

Loudmouth:

I don't just want to get over her. Two ways this could be fully resolved. We either work things out between us, which is probably never going to happen, or one of us gets married in the temple. Seriously, I'm pretty sure that is thee only way to turn it off. I don't simply, only want to get over her. I still have feelings for her, and memories of my whole life that do not feel the same without that context. For years I did not feel the weight of loneliness, because i'd hoped Id see her again.

Jayanna:

I hope you are wrong. If you have a connection with someone like that, I hope it shuts off at one point if it is doing no good. I ran into a former "girl of my dreams status" high school crush on facebook, and we became friends! I was so stoked! I thought the girl I saw in 87 was her, but it wasn't. close, but the other girl had short hair. I dreamed about her like I did when we went to school together, but it was way different. Roxanne got temple married, and she is spiritually off the market like that. When she actually got married years after HS, I had a dream I went running to find her like my life depended on it, and I didn't, and I woke up and it was too late. I later learned she got temple married right around the same month I had that random dream about her. -On a similar note, I had a similar dream of looking for the girl I saw in 87 when she got engaged, but instead of waking up and feeling like it was too late, I was relieved because it's not too late. She's not getting even an LDS wedding, so it's till death do they part. Like I'm some how relieved that she is going to spend the rest of her life with this guy and then suddenly be available in the next life. whatever.

Rameumptum:

Thanks for that. I have to wonder however, if it is possible that they all might have been right, and plural marriage would have been the way for them to go? who knows? Yeah I'm sure there is someone else out there that might be able to make it work, but the history and significance of this particular girl of my dream and what it meant to me can never be replaced. Testimony is the spirit of prophecy, and seeing the future was a huge deal to me. I feel like I failed future seeing class 101, and let down my cousin, and lost the girl I was with before I was born. For years I had a sense of same-ness, and one-ness with the future, past and present. I felt a level of comfort and inner peace that sheltered me through every life storm, and made me press through the challenges I had un-daunted. I was over-confident perhaps at times, I dare say, foolish. I don't feel at all the same with all the changes in my life. I'll feel the same again, and get it back together, and by then I wonder if that is when the flood will hit. The flood hit when I was more together, at peak spirituality, or whatever that means. I'm doing everything right, my mind, spirit, heart are all in the right place, and I'm with the spirit. I'm a freaking mess right now obviously. I don't think it is set in stone that I will only get it together to experience the flood only just after getting my life together. I think and believe it's possible to get back with the spirit and actually get a life before then. I hope anyways. Just because I didn't once foresee anything between the end of the last dream and the end of the City in flood does not mean nothing is there. I haven't had visions of the future in a long time. I've just been realizing them, maybe I have to start having them again. I've had a scant few short term ones, but nothing like the massive data dump I had when I was a kid and naturally more spiritual. I woke up with white hairs on my head that grew spontaneously overnight. That was freaky.

[seanroberts]

Watching the news one night, the show I recorded was replaced with live coverage of the Tsunami in Japan. That was freaky too, because they had footage from a Helicopter of a wall of dirty water plowing over every inch of land. That's pretty much what I saw in my dream. When I moved to this town in 95 I didn't know what direction was east, or west, or where the inlet is, and the direction of the wall of dirty water came from the direction of the inlet I later learned. Last night local news had a recording of a fly over of this town from a Helicopter and it was easy to see a similar scenario. It's kinda retarded how one of the main power plants in this town is at one of the lowest locations, and so close to the inlet. It's not nuclear, so no reason it needs to be at that spot. If a Tsunami hits like it has in times past, that thing is toast. The last major Earthquake and Tsunami that hit put the edge of town under the inlet, and the road to the inlet just goes down sharply at an angle where it once went straight.

Judo:

There is LDS social services, that offers counseling, but I asked for that once, and was not able to get any. I haven't tried lately, but that is probably the only counseling I'd be receptive to. I wouldn't be able to get a fraction of this story out before my mouth would be taped shut, and someone would come out and put a rubber stamp on my forehead that said "crazy". My bishop was kind and understanding and offered real advice that was applicable, and helpful, and even though he is a judge in Isreal did not judge me.

[JudoMinja]

Judo:

There is LDS social services, that offers counseling, but I asked for that once, and was not able to get any. I haven't tried lately, but that is probably the only counseling I'd be receptive to. I wouldn't be able to get a fraction of this story out before my mouth would be taped shut, and someone would come out and put a rubber stamp on my forehead that said "crazy". My bishop was kind and understanding and offered real advice that was applicable, and helpful, and even though he is a judge in Isreal did not judge me.

Professional counselors do not "label" people. They help them. I sought professional counseling when I was in a terrible emotional state and seriously needed the help. The extreme nature of your dreams, feelings, emotions, thoughts, etc suggest that trying to get back into a healthy state of mind on your own will be too difficult.

I was not trying to be mean when I said I find this all scary. I am simply speaking from the perspective of someone who has been through both being abused and stalked. You may be a wonderful person and not actually physically stalking this girl, but your obsession is frightening. A professional should also be capable of helping you better understand your dreams and making them more manageable- as dreams is a topic covered in psychology.

[NeuroTypical]

There is LDS social services, that offers counseling, but I asked for that once, and was not able to get any.

I'm confused - why were you not able to get counseling from LDSSS? You call them up and make an appointment - what's the issue? Is it that the church declined to pay for it?

[slamjet]

Nor are referrals from the Bishop required anymore.

[FunkyTown]

I wish u were her dad and had a shotgun. Hef dad is a neglectful piece if crap that lets his nephew rape his daughters

Sean:

It's good you've lost this girl. That's a positive thing. This just got real.

Now, you can go get the professional counselling you need to get past this event. You'll be able to sleep again. You'll be able to move forward. She can make her decisions and live with the consequences and so can you.

I congratulate you on losing this girl as realizing this is probably the best thing to have happened to you in a while. Go. Speak to a professional. Get past this.

[seanroberts]

I fell in love that loved me. Thats what i felt and wanted all my life. She made me feel whole and complete. I wasnt looking for anyone. I was waiting for this cute girl to come out of nowhere and withou saying or doing anything make me feel heaven when looking in here eyes. My dreams of the futre have been litteral unmistakable and an experience. Im "there". Im living exactly where i dreamed i dreamed i would be living years ag. If u asked me 10 years ago if i would one day be living where i am id say its not possible.

[seanroberts]

Loud:

last time i asked about ldsss my bishop just looked at me and said no and i dont know why. That was 93. Havent tried lately

[NeuroTypical]

Yep - things are much easier now. No talking to any Bishops required (unless you are trying to get the church to pay for it).

Here's the website - give them a try. Note: If the nearest office isn't close to you, call them anyway. They often have counselors available in other cities, and just do the appointments and billing and whatnot through the main office.

[seanroberts]

Thanks Funky Town for the sentiment. Yes, it does "get real" from time to time. The dreams I mean. The dreams of the future came true, including the one I was looking forward to the most, and it was more complicated than I understood. Always more to the story, and definitely so in this case.

Yes I lost her, by my fault, dis-belief, by choice, by doing what I thought was right, by abstaining from sin, by protecting an under-aged girl from the exposure to complexities of a relationship. I often wondered what it meant when people took the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil and felt ashamed, and wandered off and fell into sin. What was there to be ashamed of? I was ashamed that the I would feel that way about my under-aged cousin, and that she'd feel that way about me (taking a liking to), and acted like nothing happened, and look for someone else. Anyway, the existential truths can wait.

I'm on here, because the suffering continues on my part. I can still feel her. She literally seems like my other half. I didn't know what she liked about these cars she liked, then I drove one last week, and it hit home, and it was like driving a car for the first time. My jaw dropped. Lots of little things this week, and last that have been pulling, tugging, and punching my heart. It's agony.

Nice little silver lining for today though: "and after the lord shall restore you after the days of tribulation", or something. Bible trivia app. Just made me think one day i'll know what love is again, and feel loved. I feel a lot of things I wish I wasn't right now. My eyes water up and I feel like crying when I think I'm feeling her during the day at work, or something.

Everything sucks right now, but I try to remember that if I make it through the temple with someone else, then this will be over. My relationship with my cousin seems like it was made in heaven and earth however, and she is the only one with all the keys to my heart, and then some. Reminds me of Old Testament times when people were forbidden to marry outside their race, or country in the church, and had to marry someone very specific, or something. I just remember something like that in the bible.

[slamjet]

oh... my... word.

[seanroberts]

Thanks Loudmouth, I think I will get some help now. I don't want to keep feeling worse and worse.

I've gotten help before, but I didn't know for what. My mom broke my nose when I was 3 years old, and that is long before some people's earliest memories. My life experiences, and memories have been punctuated by bleeding, pain, suffering, fear, and anxiety that I would be assaulted again. people have no idea what that specifically is like, even if I try to tell them. I told my friend once, and his own personal defense mechanisms kicked in, and he tried joking about it in his own way. It wasn't discovered or diagnosed with a broken nose till I was 18 and tried going out for the Army National guard. I passed everything, then in the physical the doc looked at my nose and asked me why I said I lied about that on my application saying I don't have any broken bones. I stood there in my underwear confused as to why he'd say that about my nose, or that I was lying, when I could not recall exactly when it was broken off the top of my head. The memory was not diminished, but she broke my nose because she thought I told on her to my aunt and made her complain, when it was clear to everyone in the village she was drinking too much, and my aunt wanted my mom to tone it down. so i learned not to talk about it on the spot, and since.

[seanroberts]

yes slamjet. Reading your posts, I did not think you actually read everything I wrote. Whats the surprise here?

I stated I fell in love with this face I saw in my dream when I was 10 years old. I wait all my life for this girl to come out of no where and make me feel heaven looking in her eyes, and turns out it was my cousin who was 14 or 15 at the time I realized it was her. I actually moved away for 8 months to get away from the city, threw myself at work, kept looking for someone else perhaps, then 2010 the last dream came true, and no one else made me feel like that, and I accepted that she is the girl of my dreams and the one I waited all my life for. I try talking to her, but turns out she has been molested by her 1st cousin, -my other 2nd cousin, and had sexual relations with him, mostly in the form of re-living the original rape, she tolerates living with him, her parents do nothing to stop him because he is a drug dealer, and a source of their drugs, and meanwhile I've already gone to the COPS, FBI, and office of children services. Yeah, turns out he molested her early 2000s when she was a little girl. Then moved back in to rape her 2008. he still lives there....

[slamjet]

Because you are doing the damaging and destructive thing by being in a co-dependent relationship with a person you are not even with, but you put on yourself this huge bag of misery because you think that all you had to do was whisk her away and she would be saved. Life is more complex than that, and you are fooling, diluting, and huberousing yourself that you could, can, or will save her.

The surprise? No surprise, disappointment. That you most likely read all the posts answering yours, but ignored them all because you like living with this guilt because it makes you feel good.

You're definitely not the first person I've run into with this issue, you won't be the last. But every time, the first thing they learn is that they need to live their own life, not someone else. Once they get that, then they start to get much better.

[seanroberts]

The General thesis of your comment is flawed. I never thought I had to wisk her away or save her. All I knew in 1987 is that this girl made me feel eternal peace and heaven when we looked at each other. "A peace that surpaseth all understanding", is how I would later recognize this feeling I had with her.

That said, the peace I sought after and felt for at church, or life was tied directly into this core feeling. This was my inner strength. My love for her, her's for me, this promise of an eternal love together, made me exceedingly confident my whole life, and was my citadel and shelter from all the various woes in my life. She was my goal in Heaven and in Earth. Losing that dream was like losing my goal in the afterlife as well. I would have killed myself if I thought my suffering would end. Dreams and visions of the future were what I thought were God's promises to me. That is how deep the concept of an eternal companion meant to me. That love was worth waiting for, not having sex all my life for, doing everything I could I thought I knew was right for. I sacrificed chances with wonderful, worthy girls that liked me because they did not resemble the girl i saw in my dream. I sacrificed chances with hot slutty girls that wanted to bang me, but they too did not sufficiently remind me of her, so I threw those chances away too. The time came I found out who the girl of my dreams was, and I also threw away my chances with her initially, then tried to save it, almost did, but decided against it because of my rigid flawed sense of absolute right and wrong. Yes she had become an "alt", "sorta goth", 3 time high school drop out, possible drug user, but the war between good and evil in my heart was over and peace was there when i saw her, and the "good" in my heart wanted to dominate, and scuttled my own chances with her, shooting myself proverbally in the foot when I didn't need to, and consigning her to mingle more with the bad influences in her life, and not me. I turned her away, when i could have drawn her close. too many times. once is too many. then I tried to get her back, did, became friends again, and turned her away again when we could have gotten closer. i'm really conflicted, and didn't want it to be her, but it was, and is.

No actually, she'll probably save herself, or pull herself out of her own turmoil. Or not. I'm not worried about her like that either way, because there is nothing I can do, and I'm shut out of her contact at her request, yet I still feel what is going on in her life if I like it or not, because of the promises we made before we were born, or something. That is the only way I can imagine a connection of some supernatural nature can still be there even though we've both passed through the veil of forgetfulness, yet we still know each other, and are connected.

What I struggle with now is pangs of sadness at what might have been, and seeing how well matched up we could have been if she stayed in school, away from drug dealers, away from her child hood molester/rapist 1st cousin. I am saddened and reminded of what could have been, should have been, and would have been.

The rest of your point makes no sense honestly, but I do appreciate your thoughts/effort.

Edited April 30, 2011 by seanroberts

[slamjet]

The General thesis of your comment is flawed. I never thought I had to wisk her away or save her. All I knew in 1987 is that this girl made me feel eternal peace and heaven when we looked at each other. "A peace that surpaseth all understanding", is how I would later recognize this feeling I had with her.

That said, the peace I sought after and felt for at church, or life was tied directly into this core feeling. This was my inner strength. My love for her, her's for me, this promise of an eternal love together, made me exceedingly confident my whole life, and was my citadel and shelter from all the various woes in my life. She was my goal in Heaven and in Earth. Losing that dream was like losing my goal in the afterlife as well. I would have killed myself if I thought my suffering would end. Dreams and visions of the future were what I thought were God's promises to me. That is how deep the concept of an eternal companion meant to me. That love was worth waiting for, not having sex all my life for, doing everything I could I thought I knew was right for. I sacrificed chances with wonderful, worthy girls that liked me because they did not resemble the girl i saw in my dream. I sacrificed chances with hot slutty girls that wanted to bang me, but they too did not sufficiently remind me of her, so I threw those chances away too. The time came I found out who the girl of my dreams was, and I also threw away my chances with her initially, then tried to save it, almost did, but decided against it because of my rigid flawed sense of absolute right and wrong. Yes she had become an "alt", "sorta goth", 3 time high school drop out, possible drug user, but the war between good and evil in my heart was over and peace was there when i saw her, and the "good" in my heart wanted to dominate, and scuttled my own chances with her, shooting myself proverbally in the foot when I didn't need to, and consigning her to mingle more with the bad influences in her life, and not me. I turned her away, when i could have drawn her close. too many times. once is too many. then I tried to get her back, did, became friends again, and turned her away again when we could have gotten closer. i'm really conflicted, and didn't want it to be her, but it was, and is.

No actually, she'll probably save herself, or pull herself out of her own turmoil. Or not. I'm not worried about her like that either way, because there is nothing I can do, and I'm shut out of her contact at her request, yet I still feel what is going on in her life if I like it or not, because of the promises we made before we were born, or something. That is the only way I can imagine a connection of some supernatural nature can still be there even though we've both passed through the veil of forgetfulness, yet we still know each other, and are connected.

What I struggle with now is pangs of sadness at what might have been, and seeing how well matched up we could have been if she stayed in school, away from drug dealers, away from her child hood molester/rapist 1st cousin. I am saddened and reminded of what could have been, should have been, and would have been.

The rest of your point makes no sense honestly, but I do appreciate your thoughts/effort.

Among other things, classic Co-Dependency issues as well as living by the "what-if" even though the "what ifs" don't exist. I said my piece, good luck.

[Idora]

Along with what many others have said, it's time to get out of dreamland and back to reality. Dreams are just dreams. Obsessing the way you are is WAY unhealthy! You're over-analyzing every thought, dream, and feeling you get about this girl. Snap out of it! You're going to spiral yourself out of control with all these dreams and connections you keep claiming to have.

I've always been a dreamer myself and have always been fascinated with the mind and how it works. I've always thought about experiences and thoughts beyond earthly abilities. Not that I've been into psychics or anything like that, but the idea of having more spiritual power than possible has always jumped to my mind out of pure fascination. However, I know it's only thoughts and curiosities and I try not to think too deeply into it. In fact, indulging too deeply into these things can be dangerous. It can destroy relationships, create questions against the church and place us into a false reality where we slowly lose ourselves; not to mention a vulnerability to Satan and his army.

We are unable to see beyond a veil, any veil for that matter. You felt a connection with this girl-but it doesn't mean you're destined to be with her. You've convinced yourself by obsessively thinking and dreaming about her she's supposed to be with you. You've dived too deeply into that false reality and you seem to be swimming in a mind-made dreamland. The only advice I can really offer is to seek help. This doesn't mean you're crazy or weird because many people have found themselves in similar situations. Stop worrying about saving her and realize she's a grown woman who can make her own decisions. She's independent and strong on her own, especially if she had a hard life.

Please, seek help and recognize this problem. You're damaging yourself and missing out on the opportunity to have a great life and a great relationship with someone else. Stop wasting your life on this- you have so much to live for! Happiness is achieved by YOU yourself. If you cannot be happy by yourself you definitely cannot be happy with anyone else, regardless. Seek your own independence and freedom and break free of this unhealthy pattern. Get your mind back to the real world and start living. Tell yourself you're moving on and you're getting past it and hold your head up high. Reach out to your father in heaven for guidance and allow Him to help you get back on your feet as an independent man. I will be praying for you.

[FunkyTown]

I'm glad you're getting help as you said in this thread.

Not getting help will result in tragedy for you and maybe others.

Go. Get help.