Should I Respond?

[JudoMinja]

You can put that in huge bold print, and we'll still be giving you advice

Oh, I know that. Lol. I wouldn't have posted this on here if I wasn't ready to hear whatever advice anybody might be wanting to offer me.

[Backroads]

That's just it right there, though. Even bringing that up was making me feel unforgiving and judgemental, as there is far more to the story than that. Now I'm not trying to make excuses for him or downplay his actions. However, this happened when he was only thirteen- I won't go into all the details of his life, but he was raised in pretty terrible conditions. Some other kid his age from school raped and killed his younger sister. He raped that kids sister to get revenge, felt horrible afterwards and turned himself in. He went to juvie and did his time, but that stuck on his record as an adult and he became a registered sex offender. When he told me about it, it was in tears because his girlfriend before me left him when he told her about it.

Of course I recognize now that this was just a method of manipulation, but at the time I felt that using this against him was wrong. He had been baptised into the church only five years before we met and this was all long behind him- sins that would be considered "forgotten" in the eyes of the Lord since he'd been baptised and was trying to turn his life around. The fact that I am even afraid he might do the same to me makes me feel judgmental and unforgiving because I am using that past against him.

I think that must be why I was doubting myself. A part of my "emotional brain" is still stuck in the manipulated belief that using the past to make a decision about him means I'm judging him. The thing is, I just don't believe him. I believe he has refound Christianity and that he is sorry, but I don't believe he is committed. I think that as soon as things get hard, he is going to fall right back into his old habits- that he will continue to be angry with the world and lash out at those around him. I really believe there is still vengence in his heart and he is capable of doing something like raping me. I don't believe he has changed. If I don't believe he has changed, how can I claim to believe that the gospel changes people? How can I claim to be forgiving?

That is really what is troubling me. Now don't worry everybody- I'm definitely not responding to the email he sent me. I've got my head on my shoulders about that and I'm not taking any unnecessary chances. I'm keeping my son safe, and I know my ex's path is not my concern. I'm just trying to get to the root of why I'm feeling this way.

Nothing wrong with that. It's quite healthy to analyze yourself, so to speak; you don't just want to push these feelings away and agonize over this letter.

[estradling75]

I'm just trying to get to the root of why I'm feeling this way.

Here is another thought I had directly for this. How were you train/taught to forgive?

Most likely you were taught as a child with a simple pattern. Someone did wrong, an adult made them say 'sorry' once they said sorry you were told to forgive and play nice. And you did. It worked. As you got older it became a pattern. They say sorry so you offer an olive branch. Which encourages even more sincerity on the part of the repenter, which triggers more feeling of forgiveness. Until you are both reconciled.

Its a very good pattern that helps both party's get where they need to be. The problem is that it only works when you can trust that the other side means it or is trying. Also the Lord's commandments aren't to Repent or Forgive only if the other side does there part, it is a flat always.

Its possible that by simply appearing to try to repent he is triggering a deeply ingrained habit of you extending the olive branch to match. It is not a bad habit in and of itself, just not good for this situation. And by not doing so you are getting a disconnected between what you 'feel' you should do, (A feeling trained into you) and what logic, reason, and common sense is telling you.

[Jennarator]

That's just it right there, though. Even bringing that up was making me feel unforgiving and judgemental, as there is far more to the story than that. Now I'm not trying to make excuses for him or downplay his actions. However, this happened when he was only thirteen- I won't go into all the details of his life, but he was raised in pretty terrible conditions. Some other kid his age from school raped and killed his younger sister. He raped that kids sister to get revenge, felt horrible afterwards and turned himself in. He went to juvie and did his time, but that stuck on his record as an adult and he became a registered sex offender. When he told me about it, it was in tears because his girlfriend before me left him when he told her about it.

Of course I recognize now that this was just a method of manipulation, but at the time I felt that using this against him was wrong. He had been baptised into the church only five years before we met and this was all long behind him- sins that would be considered "forgotten" in the eyes of the Lord since he'd been baptised and was trying to turn his life around. The fact that I am even afraid he might do the same to me makes me feel judgmental and unforgiving because I am using that past against him.

I think that must be why I was doubting myself. A part of my "emotional brain" is still stuck in the manipulated belief that using the past to make a decision about him means I'm judging him. The thing is, I just don't believe him. I believe he has refound Christianity and that he is sorry, but I don't believe he is committed. I think that as soon as things get hard, he is going to fall right back into his old habits- that he will continue to be angry with the world and lash out at those around him. I really believe there is still vengence in his heart and he is capable of doing something like raping me. I don't believe he has changed. If I don't believe he has changed, how can I claim to believe that the gospel changes people? How can I claim to be forgiving?

That is really what is troubling me. Now don't worry everybody- I'm definitely not responding to the email he sent me. I've got my head on my shoulders about that and I'm not taking any unnecessary chances. I'm keeping my son safe, and I know my ex's path is not my concern. I'm just trying to get to the root of why I'm feeling this way.

Glad to hear you are not responding. :)

I think there are tons of reasons you feel like you do. Only you can really answer that. I know I am told to stop letting my kids see my ex, but I do becasue they love him, and all. Also I used to love him, so I try, really hard, to see the good in him. Perhaps I am hoping he has or will change. Not sure, but pray about it, and you will find comfort in yor decsion. :)

[classylady]

I believe you can forgive someone and still not totally trust them. Part of life is making judgement calls. We can choose to forgive, choose to love someone for who they are--sons and daughters of God, our brothers and sisters, and we can still choose not to associate with them. That doesn't mean we haven't forgiven them, it just means we have no desire to be with them. Part of making a judgement call, is knowing the past, and knowing the personality of the person, etc.

We do need to be careful in our judgements. When someone is trying to repent and really turn their lives around, it's so hard for them to rid themselves of the old "label". Depending on the situation, often, only time will tell if a person has truly turned their life around. JudoMinja, you've forgiven and love your ex, for who he is--a son of God, and your eternal brother. You don't need to associate/respond with/to him to prove that you have forgiven him. You know that within your own heart.