Law of Chastity Issues..

[TANNY]

This is going to be a little lengthy I apologize but I really need some advice on how to fix this..

My boyfriend and I have been together for awhile now. Our relationship at first was a little shaky, before even becoming official we had broken the law of chastity. Before we became official or even started dating he had told me a little about his past and how he had been intimate with his last girlfriend and how he had messed up. He wasn't able to take the sacrament because of this and he was talking regularly with our bishop. I didn't really think that it would be an issue if we started dating because I had never had any problems with Chastity before. So we started dating and before we became official it happened. After it had happened the first time we both decided that it would be better if we were just friends. I talked to my bishop and had begun my repenting process. Months later it happened again. The just friends thing wasn't working either. We both still wanted to be together and so we started officially dating and had set up rules so it couldn't happen. We were doing so well at first for a really long time but it ended up happening again. It's becoming a lot more frequent then I want it too and it's becoming a lot harder to overcome. We're both college students and want to make it to the temple. His past with past girlfriends and some issues with pornography make this a lot harder to avoid then I thought. I don't want to break up with him because I love him and I know that it wouldn't really help the problem only help me not be tempted.. I need some help please?

[Dravin]

Options:

1. Keep what you are doing. This one is obviously understandable (Edit: I meant undesirable).

2. Break all contact with him. This doesn't mean be just friends, this means both of you excise each other from your lives.

3. Get a civil marriage and work towards the temple together (getting married just because you can't keep from getting horizontal together isn't recommended, so make sure it's a path you'd want to take).

4. Somehow do what you're doing but experience different results, this one is highly unlikely, sounds like you have gotten yourselves into a pattern.

As a side note as long as you are violating the Law of Chastity together you are retarding each other's spiritual growth and causing each other harm. If you truly do love each other what you may have to do is say goodbye to each other.

Edited May 24, 2011 by Dravin

[TANNY]

Thanks for your input... I know that we're both interfering with each others spiritual growth and that the best option for ME and my spiritual growth is to break up with him and not see him anymore. That isn't going to do anything for him though. He's going to keep going down this path where he does really good for awhile and then he gives into temptation the only difference is it won't be with me. Not only do I want to stop this from happening and get to the temple I want to help him do the same and I know that's all he wants to do. He really wants to be temple worthy and I want to help him.

So how do I do that??

[beefche]

It is not your responsibility to save him, though. You are your own adult and he is his own person. He needs to take care of his own spiritual needs. And that is true whether you are friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, or married.

Honestly, the best thing (from what you have shared) is to break it off with him completely. COMPLETELY. No contact. Let him work with his bishop on getting right. You work with your bishop on your spiritual path.

If you decide to not break it off with him, then I suggest that you NEVER, EVER, EVER be alone with him. Ever.

[pam]

At some point you need to worry about YOU only. You can't help him unti he wants to make the change.

[JudoMinja]

You are responsible for your own salvation. He is responsible for his. The only way you can be of help to him is to not be the one he is "tempted" by. If he goes and gives into other temptations, that is not under your control. I started a relationship because I wanted to "help" the other person, and it went horribly wrong. Don't fool yourself into believing that you can "save" him. Right now, you are pulling each other down. If he really wants to be lifted up and overcome his temptations, you stepping away may be the example he needs. If he doesn't follow that example, it is not your fault.

[Dravin]

That isn't going to do anything for him though.

So for him somehow engaging in sexual relations with you is not a spiritual harm? If you're referencing his pornography issue just because one is engaging in one sin doesn't mean you can pile on others without consequence. So yes, his not engaging in sexual relationship with you will do something for him.

He's going to keep going down this path where he does really good for awhile and then he gives into temptation the only difference is it won't be with me.

Question, would you give a drug addict drugs because if you don't give them to him he'll just seek it out elsewhere? If you did would you deny contributing to the problem?

He really wants to be temple worthy and I want to help him.

So how do I do that??

To be perfectly blunt stop violating the Law of Chastity with him. Until you do that you are not a help, you are a hindrance to him achieving that goal. As is the case from the other direction. If what it takes is to break off contact and say goodbye to each other so be it.

Edited May 24, 2011 by Dravin

[beefche]

Tanny, it sounds like we are being really harsh on you. But, I fear you are stuck in the mindset of "but, I love him! I want to help him! I am not sure he can do it without me!"

The thing is, this is a problem he has obviously had before you. He needs to work with his bishop and himself to get control of whatever his issues are.

You have to be responsible for yourself. You two are not married, so you are not under a covenant with him. The scriptures from Jesus explaining that it is better to cut off your hand that allow it to offend is applicable, IMO.

You obviously want to do the right thing. You obviously care for this guy. Please know that the best thing you can do for him, is allow him to resolve these issues. It sounds to us that he isn't going to be able to do that with temptation in front of him. You being there and loving him isn't helping him right now. He needs to be able to stand on his own.

[TANNY]

Thank you for the all the replies. I don't think I explained myself very well when I replied.. I'm in love with this boy and I want to help him. I'm not trying to give him what he wants so he doesn't try and find it somewhere else. I know I'm pushing him farther away from where he needs to go and I really really hate that. I feel guilty and mad at myself all the time for it. I have been doing the opposite of what I've wanted to do from the beginning. He's been in this hole for a really long time and I didn't know that when I had gotten myself into this. But I would really like to help him..

I understand that he needs to do this alone with the bishops help but I'm not sure if he can... and I know that a big portion of this mess is because of me and I would really like to correct it.

[Dravin]

Thank you for the all the replies. I don't think I explained myself very well when I replied.. I'm in love with this boy and I want to help him. I'm not trying to give him what he wants so he doesn't try and find it somewhere else. I know I'm pushing him farther away from where he needs to go and I really really hate that. I feel guilty and mad at myself all the time for it. I have been doing the opposite of what I've wanted to do from the beginning. He's been in this hole for a really long time and I didn't know that when I had gotten myself into this. But I would really like to help him..

Then you need to be open to the possibility that what might help him (and you) best is to part ways. We're not telling you (at least I'm not) that it is required, but it might be and you need to not reflexively close that off. Have you two prayed to the Lord about what it is each of you should do? Counseled with your Bishop(s)?* Both are much better sources than this forum.

* I know you've said you're working on repenting and have talked with the Bishop in that regard, but it doesn't mean you've necessarily counseled with him beyond a "I need to stop this."

Edited May 24, 2011 by Dravin

[TANNY]

Beefche - I didn't see that you replied when I wrote this but I guess that is my mindset.. And I agree with everything you've said. It's easier said then done though. What I haven't mentioned is that besides our mess ups and things we are really good together. We make each other happy but the decisions we make together aren't good ones. I guess I'm confused as to why something so good can be the basis of such bad decision making..? I don't know.

[JudoMinja]

Tanny, you've explained yourself very well. Many of the people on this board have been through situations similar to yours, and many have been on this board long enough to see a number of these people come asking for the same kind of advice. You love him. You want to help him. You also want to be with him and do things the right way. The problem is you are both too heavily tempted by one another's prescence. By actively trying to help him, you are not helping.

I know it's hard, but right now you need to worry about JUST yourself. Don't worry about him. He IS capable of repenting on his own, in fact he NEEDS to repent ON HIS OWN. His salvation and his repentance process is completely between him and the Lord, and if he relies on outside sources to get him through it, he will find himself still struggling later down the road. If he does not have the strength of will to do it on his own, he will never do it. No matter how much you try to help him.

Cut off your relationship with him. Work on your own repentance. When you are spiritually healthy, you can pursue a relationship again. Most likely with someone else, but you can always check in on him now and then (by saying hi at church or something like that, NOT by going out on a date ALONE with him) to see how he's working though his own repentance. If he gets spiritually healthy too, then you can think about restarting a relationship with him, if you are both still interested.

[TANNY]

Dravin - Yes I've considered that and I've thought many times about cutting all ties with him because it would be best... I guess I'm just stubborn in that sense..

and I have talked to the bishop many times and it has been more than "I need to stop this." He has counseled me about what to do and has given me advice on the matter and it has never been to break all ties with him..

We have the same bishop because we were in the same student ward and so he knows both of us and has talked with us individually. I guess I feel that if he felt that it would be best to break it off he'd tell me, but then again our bishop is an amazing man and would trust me with making my own decision.

[beefche]

Ahh, what a great learning experience for you. There are many good people out there. I've dated men that are good, wonderful men. But, they weren't right for me. I remember one in particular, he is so good. I really admire him and enjoyed being with him. But, there were things about each of us that just didn't work.

It sounds to me that this is a really good guy--alot of great qualities. But, in this area, perhaps you two are good together. Now, it is YOUR decision, but think about this. Just because he is good and you love him doesn't mean that the relationship is a good one to continue. It is a truly difficult thing--not easy by far. And you will second guess yourself.

I suggest a few things. 1) do some studying of scriptures and talks by GAs about choosing a mate 2) ponder and pray about the things you are reading 3) fast and pray to make a decision and stick to it 4) counsel with your bishop about this.

I still think that breaking it off--really breaking it off might be the best course. It doesn't mean you don't love him. It doesn't mean that you will never find love again. It doesn't mean he won't survive. It means you have decided to do the hard thing. Sacrafice is never easy.

[pam]

Tanny, sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders and I trust that you will make the right decision.

I truly wish you the best in this situation.

[TANNY]

Pam - As dumb as this may sound that made me cry.. Haha. Thank you for that. I felt like I haven't been capable of making any right decisions in awhile.. So thank you.

JudoMinja - Thank you for your reply also. It's helped a lot. I agree with what you've said. I really do need to focus on getting myself spiritually healthy I think I will do a lot more help then than now..

Beefche - Thank you thank you. I think I'm just scared he's not going to find his way.. and he deserves to be happy. and I know the only way you can achieve true happiness is by being able to enter the temple and being worthy of blessings. I'm also scared that I'm going to lose him and he's means a lot to me... and no one ever wants to lose something that means everything to them. But I want to get to the temple and that means everything to me too. I'll definitely pray and read my scriptures and take into account all the advice everyone has given me here. It has helped tremendously. (:

[Dravin]

Dravin - Yes I've considered that and I've thought many times about cutting all ties with him because it would be best... I guess I'm just stubborn in that sense..

and I have talked to the bishop many times and it has been more than "I need to stop this." He has counseled me about what to do and has given me advice on the matter and it has never been to break all ties with him..

We have the same bishop because we were in the same student ward and so he knows both of us and has talked with us individually. I guess I feel that if he felt that it would be best to break it off he'd tell me, but then again our bishop is an amazing man and would trust me with making my own decision.

That's good. I suppose the question is to ask yourself about the rules and restrictions you've placed on yourself:

1. Are we actually keeping it (obviously at some point the answer to this is no)?

2. When and why are we breaking it?

3. Can I move the line further away from the edge to avoid the when and why of the breaking?

For instance (hypothetical):

Rule: Never be alone together.

When: Out on dates we spend time talking to each other in the car.

Why: The darkness and intimacy created.

Move it: Take separate cars and head straight home after the date.

Move it: Only go on double dates for now.

Move it: Only go on daylight hour dates.

Of course that's not a revolutionary approach but it is easy to just say, "We'll keep the rule next time." Also, I recommend you involve the Lord in your question and answer session. Both you and he work on your rules like above, pray about it separately (the Lord may impress you to move things further than you would on your own). Also make yourself accountable, give the rules to someone you can count on and trust and report to them if you followed or broke the rules (you Bishop may be a good choice for this) even if you didn't go over the cliff when you broke it. Also, report each week (or better night) to the Lord in prayer how well you follow the rules you came up with him.

Edit: Not saying this is some foolproof approach, but it may help.

Edited May 24, 2011 by Dravin

[pam]

Pam - As dumb as this may sound that made me cry.. Haha. Thank you for that. I felt like I haven't been capable of making any right decisions in awhile.. So thank you.

Not dumb..sometimes we are so emotionally involved we can't see the forest for the trees. All of us at some point have to just step back to get a better perspective.

[TANNY]

DRAVIN - I will definitely include the Lord in my doings everyday and report to him every night. Thank you for your advice. I believe it will definitely help. I'm going to pray about what to do with all this.

[rameumptom]

He has a long pattern. There is no guarantee that he isn't still slipping up with someone else (without your knowledge), or that he won't do so in the future. If he's struggled with porn in the past, chances are he'll have it after you marry, etc.

If you really want an eternal marriage, I suggest you tell him that the two of you need to completely part ways for one year. During that year, each of you focus on repentance and spirituality. If you are both temple ready at that point, and are still interested in each other, then consider marriage. But don't jump into a civil marriage right now, knowing he has major issues that he's dragged you into several times.