try to work it out or move on?

[nejifer]

I (member) married a non-member from another country who is in the US to take the US medical licensing exams and eventually get into a residency program.

We had met in Sept. 2010 and after hearing how much he needed residency status, and talking about our possible future together, I decided to marry him on Oct. 30.

Lo and behold, as soon as we were married all sorts of inconveniences came into our lives.

1. I lost my job

2. My house got flooded; insurance wouldn't cover all the costs. I'm being taken to court.

3. I got pregnant Jan 1.

Well, all of this happened between the Nov. 19 and Jan 1. Needless to say, we were under major amounts of stress. He started telling me how unhappy he was, that he had married me b/c I was stable with a good job (I was released due to no fault of my own). He started criticizing everything I did. He thought I was too fat. He thought I wasn't a good wife. I didn't cook and clean enough for him, and he REPEATEDLY mentioned that in his home country this would not be happening.

After I told him I was pregnant, he begged and badgered me for an abortion for about 2 weeks. This is something we had discussed prior to being married, and I reminded him that I am very anti-abortion. He told me that he didn't think I was so serious and that my religion was too strict. He told me I was too fat to have a baby and he wasn't ready to be a father. I offered that we put the baby up for adoption. He said no to that as well. According to him, abortion would fix "the problem."

Then - I got hyperemesis gravidarum which is a rare complication to pregnancy that basically makes you feel like you are experiencing the worst food poisoning of your life and the most exteme motion sickness at the same time. I was unable to hold any fluids or food and ended up in the hospital for a week because I was starving myself (not on purpose!) His response was that he didn't want to be involved in helping me b/c he warned me to get the abortion in the first place. He knew something bad might happen so he has no responsibility in helping me.

So...I had to move in with my mom for a little bit so she could take care of me. I wasn't able to do anything for myself for about 2 months. I'm slowly getting better.

Back to the part where I need advice. During all of this he kept saying he didn't want the baby and I was ruining his life with my decision. He said he was unhappy with everything. When I needed his help around the house with cleaning he refused because in his country the men don't do that.

I finally kicked him out of my house about a month ago. Now he keeps texting me saying he wants to work it out and he's not a monster. At this point, I don't trust him. I think he's worried I'll try to get his citizenship revoked.

He says he wants to be involved with my daugther (due in September 2011) but only when she is older because he doesn't know how to take care of a baby.

QUESTION: I feel very strongly to move on. If we stay together, What if I get sick again? What if my daugther gets sick? Does he ignore it all because he's a man and men don't do that in his country?

Any advice or opinions are welcome. Thanks!

[MorningStar]

Did you marry him planning on staying with him forever or did you feel sorry for him? Definitely sounds like he is using you.

[applepansy]

Did he marry you just to stay in the US?

People don't change unless of course they want to. From what you've posted you have said nothing about his expressing a desire to change. So what happens when you need help again. You could get the flu and need help around the house. Children need fathers at every age, not just when they get older because "dad" doesn't know anything about babies. Not many men go into fatherhood knowing anything about babies. They love them and learn along the way. From what you've said so far he doesn't sound like he's willing to be a husband and father except when its convenient for him.

I think you should talk to your bishop. Make this a matter of fasting and prayer. And then protect yourself and your daughter.

Good Luck and Best Wishes

EDIT: I'm baffled. Why did you marry him? For love or because he needed to be here in the US for his education goals?

Edited May 30, 2011 by applepansy

[Elphaba]

If things are as you describe, this man is emotionally abusive, and the likelihood of him changing is very small. If you were to take him back you would expose your daughter to a father who basically wants nothing to do with her. Harsh as this sounds, the fact is you don't have the right to do that to her. You must do whatever is within your power to make sure she is safe. With him around, she would not be safe.

I've seen women think that they can change an abusive husband into a loving one. I've also seen women who think once the baby is born he'll fall in love with it and everything will be fine. The truth is, the chances of that happening are miniscule.

You sound like you've been through hell, and I suspect you are exhausted, both physically and emotionally. In that state it's very difficult to make good choices. But I know you want to, for the sake of your daughter, you have to. So, at the very least, you should tell him that now is not a good time to let him back into your heart and home, and that he has to prove to you he's willing to do whatever necessary to be a good wife and father before you'll ever consider doing so, something that, by definition, would take a very long time. If he does not agree to this, then you should have nothing more to do with him. You're daughter will not be safe around him.

I think you must feel very lost and desperate, and it's only natural to want him to come back and be a good father, and to help you through all of this. But, again, if everything you described is accurate, that's not going to happen. He's going to make your life, and your daughter's, more miserable, not less.

Elphaba

[Guest mirancs8]

Ahh this sounds ow so familiar...

My family being from the middle east AND marrying then divorcing a man who was also from there I can relate to the "...in his home country this would not be happening." High probability he's right, it wouldn't. You know why? OK, let me tell you.

In his neighborhood alone he probably has 10 cousins living a walking distance away. If he's the the only son there is a 99% probability that his parents live with his new and growing family. He may have a nice amount of siblings that usually live a short distance away. Ow and most of the women are home, you know... where they belong So literally men don't ever have to worry about this stuff because over there if you need help there's tons of it all around you.

Each of these countries might be the size of one of our states loaded with millions of people. It's not as spread out as we are here. Sure he misses it. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. He has stepped into a very different culture as to why what he says seems so off the wall and mean to many of us. It is not uncommon for them to make comments about your weight, looks, cooking, maintenance of the house, and how you raise the children.

With that said how he is speaking to you IS unacceptable. Just because "...in his home country this would not be happening" doesn't mean it's right.

Some advice. He will use a great amount of manipulation because you are making him feel abandoned, and these men have been raised from babies not knowing that feeling. Many of them live at home until they get married. Anytime someone expresses an urgency/eagerness to get his "...residency status" take that as a bit red flag. My ex's friend did the same thing to an American girl and it's painful to see the life she's been living all these years. Put the residency in the forefront of your mind, because I can say with much certainty that this was 90% of his motive to get married. Think about it... if he misses his country so much don't you think he would have rather married from his own culture/country? Sure he would.

Now he's freaking out. He's going to do a lot of drama trust me. Lots and lots of drama. This is the calm before the storm. He'll say he doesn't care about the child but once you hand those divorce papers OMG you wait and see. It will feel like your going through a drawn out exorcism

To answer your question I can only say that you need to do what is right for you and your child. You fortunately have family support and that is critical for you right now. In the end this is a decision you need to make. It has to be 100% what you want... not based on what we may think is right.

May God be with you. I'll pray for you.

[nejifer]

Morning star - I planned on staying with him for this lifetime. We had a conversation after marriage and he told me he didn't believe in life after death. Before marriage he did... A part of me also did feel sorry for him and wanted to help him out.

applepansy - I honestly don't know why he married me. He made it so clear right after the marriage that I was a lousy wife. Probably for the visa and I was too stupid to realize it. I married him b/c I was lonely and he presented himself as a different person, a person who would love me. I thought he was going to be a good partner. I was obviously wrong.

Elphaba - ty for your kind words. I am going through a really rough time.

miran - I'm so worried he's going to make this rough. Sigh. He had his mom call me from Nigeria yesterday. Thanks for the prayers.

[slamjet]

Congratulations, you fell into the gravity well of a most manipulative male person.

I knew of a person who was going through the exact same thing. She dropped him, he stalked her because it's a "how dare she dishonor me." So is he going to make this rough? Most likely yes. Can you get through it? Definitely yes. But you need to do a bit of growing up and a whole lot of self analysis and discover that you are better than being with a person who only want's to marry his mother and a servant. Because that's what you and the children are going to be.

Advice: forget about what's good for him. You have you and a most important child to think about and take care of. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. If he can't, then tough. You concentrate on what's good for you and your child. If he looses his Visa, then that's his fail. He played the game, he snagged you and did his macho routine and demoralization to keep you in line. He knew all the risks, but thought he could beat them by beating you. And he's going to keep doing it. I can promise you that once you cut him off, he'll find someone else to give him foot rubs.

Get an attorney, get this chapter closed and get on with your life.

[nejifer]

ty slamjet! i like people who are blunt and to the point. :)

[blackjacks]

I apolgoize for being so bold but why the heck would you marry someone for anything other than being madly in love with someone? Did you not know how much trouble you can get in if the government was to find out the circumstances of your marriage? The only reason that he wants to get together is to keep himself in the country and continue his education he could not get in his country and he sounds like he is a muslim. He is right this would not be happening in his country because if you refuse an abortion he would beat you until you gave in and aborted your child, or beat you until you spontaneously aborted the child.

People get married because they are in love not because they feel sorry for someone who can't stay in the country. He can get in line with the rest of people that want to come into the country and do it just like everyone else. It's obvious he has no intentions of being with you after he gets his citizenship and graduates his program, and there are men in this country who will treat you with the love and respect you and your daughter deserve.

I work in law enforcement and trust me you don't want to go down the road of being investigated for immigration fraud. Wash your hands of this situation and move on before it really gets bad for you.

You are worth WAY more!

[nejifer]

I thought I was in love with him. I thought he was what I wanted. Then he changed after we were married.

Yes, I was stupid. I'm now aware of how dumb I am and can only hope I don't do anything this stupid ever again.

[blackjacks]

I thought I was in love with him. I thought he was what I wanted. Then he changed after we were married.

Yes, I was stupid. I'm now aware of how dumb I am and can only hope I don't do anything this stupid ever again.

You're not stupid at all, in fact you are very smart to have your eyes open to who he really is and not get back into a situation like that again with him. I am so sorry that he felt the need to decieve you the way he did and portray himself as something he is not. Sounds like he was using you for citizenship and to go to school and thank heavens he showed his true colors early and you were smart enough to catch on to it.

Be strong no matter how many sob stories he will tell you and being sent home, he should have thought about that before he lied to you and said such hurful things to you.

The only stupid thing would be to get back together with him.

Edited June 1, 2011 by blackjacks

[Jennarator]

I feel for you. SOme of these things sound so familiar, I lived some of it.

I hate to even say this, but I would drop him. I normally give the "work it out advice." Divorce is horrible, but in some cases very worth it. WHen I divorced, I wondered why I waited 11 years to do it. Time won't make him better, trust me. I waited and did everything in hopes things would get better. He only said those things to get you back out of panic. Chances are he'll go right back to his old ways. Seen it happen many times.

Pray about it. Hope all works out for the best.

[ruthiechan]

I'm with Jennarator. Trust your instincts. Your instincts tell you to get away. So do it. You have support, you are fortunate in this. I will pray for you.

Normally, I, too, am in the "work it out" camp, however, there are times when that is truly not an option. Not a good one anyway.

*hugs*

[Guest Chouchou]

honey, get away from him. you deserve better. your daughter deserves better.

i think this was probably a marriage that just never should have happened. there definitely seemed to be some red flags popping up before you got married....

[JudoMinja]

I'm going to highlight some very important parts in what you've said:

He started telling me how unhappy he was, that he had married me b/c I was stable with a good job (I was released due to no fault of my own). He started criticizing everything I did. He thought I was too fat. He thought I wasn't a good wife. I didn't cook and clean enough for him, and he REPEATEDLY mentioned that in his home country this would not be happening.

After I told him I was pregnant, he begged and badgered me for an abortion for about 2 weeks. This is something we had discussed prior to being married, and I reminded him that I am very anti-abortion. He told me that he didn't think I was so serious and that my religion was too strict. He told me I was too fat to have a baby and he wasn't ready to be a father. I offered that we put the baby up for adoption. He said no to that as well. According to him, abortion would fix "the problem."

Then - I got hyperemesis gravidarum which is a rare complication to pregnancy that basically makes you feel like you are experiencing the worst food poisoning of your life and the most exteme motion sickness at the same time. I was unable to hold any fluids or food and ended up in the hospital for a week because I was starving myself (not on purpose!) His response was that he didn't want to be involved in helping me b/c he warned me to get the abortion in the first place. He knew something bad might happen so he has no responsibility in helping me.

During all of this he kept saying he didn't want the baby and I was ruining his life with my decision. He said he was unhappy with everything. When I needed his help around the house with cleaning he refused because in his country the men don't do that.

I finally kicked him out of my house about a month ago. Now he keeps texting me saying he wants to work it out and he's not a monster. At this point, I don't trust him. I think he's worried I'll try to get his citizenship revoked.

He says he wants to be involved with my daugther (due in September 2011) but only when she is older because he doesn't know how to take care of a baby.

I planned on staying with him for this lifetime. We had a conversation after marriage and he told me he didn't believe in life after death. Before marriage he did... A part of me also did feel sorry for him and wanted to help him out.

I honestly don't know why he married me. He made it so clear right after the marriage that I was a lousy wife. Probably for the visa and I was too stupid to realize it. I married him b/c I was lonely and he presented himself as a different person, a person who would love me. I thought he was going to be a good partner. I was obviously wrong

Everything I have bolded above just rings of a manipulative, abusive individual. These people will put on an "act" and appear however you want them to appear to get you hooked. Then they turn on you. He is concerned only about himself and manipulating you into his control. He wants to do things his way, and will not listen to anything you say that is different from his view of things.

The fact that he didn't think you were "serious" about not getting an abortion means he didn't really care what you thought. He did not take it into consideration. He thought things would work out the way he wanted, and it didn't matter if you said something different because he would be in control. His refusal to help you through your illness based on your refusal to get an abortion and thus do it "his way" is a manipulative tactic to make you feel like you are in the wrong. He wants you to feel like you should have just listened to him, so that he can exert more control over you.

Now that you have kicked him out, he has lost his position of control and he will do whatever he can to get it back. He will beg, he will plead, he will make promises, he will say what you want to hear, but as soon as you give in and give him what he wants, it will all go back to his way. DON'T let him back into your life. Yes, he is not a monster, but he IS abusive and manipulative. You cannot trust him.

You are not stupid for falling victim to this. It happens to many people. You just did not know what to look for to avoid it. I suggest you read Emotional Blackmail and Dangerous Relationships. I read many books after getting out of my own terrible situation, and these two were the most helpful. The first helps you identify manipulative tactics and learn how to constructively counter them. The second helps you recognize and identify the warning signs of a potentially dangerous relationships in the early stages (before it gets bad).