What does it mean to preside at home?

[Blocky]

I think men are to preside in the home to help them develop God like attributes, not because they necessarily already posses those attributes. The same for the woman. Women are called to do certain things not because they are automatically better at them than their husband but because developing and improving those skills of nurturing and creating are attributes they need to start to develop for their eternal lives. We can tap into gifts that we have or will have by practicing these things.

My husband is not a natural born leader, a take charge kind of guy, or too concerned with the details it takes to get things done. But, when he actively presides in the home, it provides a way for him to become involved, even if he's only delegating/encouraging things to be done by other family members. When he does this, even though it's not always an automatic personality trait in him, I see that he feels good about himself, he feels important and involved and connected to his family. It isn't him bossing us around but more encouraging everyone to do what they need, and helping them do it. So, I suppose to me, to preside over the home and family means to be involved in what's going on, making sure everything is on course, and being willing to pick up the slack when needed if he's over delegated, thus creating an atmosphere of team work and gratitude.

[MrShorty]

I think men are to preside in the home to help them develop God like attributes, not because they necessarily already posses those attributes.

Interesting statement. Another coincidence related to this thread: I came across a book on Google called The Superior Wife Syndrome by Carin Rubenstein. I have only been able to read small bits of the book (and some of it sounds like she has an axe to grind), but she claims that in about 2 of 3 marriages, the wife is the "de facto master of the marital domain." She is the one who, "develops expertise in nearly all aspects of modern life," manages and organizes the household, makes sure the kids get to where they need to be, and so on. The husband may bring home a paycheck and pitch in a few chores, but the household would fall apart without the wife/mom. So, this might be a possible reason why men are "called" to preside -- so they can develop skills they otherwise would not.

[ztodd]

To me, the word preside as defined in the dictionary has many negative connotations, which have already been discussed. So I would like to redine it to mean (thanks to those who have already mentioned some of these):

shepherd

initiate

organize

oversee

guide

lead

teach

assist

help

bless

I think this is more what the Lord had in mind when He gave men the responsibility to preside. This is not weak or spineless. In fact, I daresay it takes far more courage and self-control to do these things than to control and dominate.

Men, what do you say? If you were to preside in this manner, would you feel emasculated, spineless, weak? Or do you prefer to preside in this manner?

Women, would you sustain someone who presides in this manner? Would you feel controlled/dominated? Or would you feel like an equal partner, respected and valued?

As a side note: I consider equality as regarding my opinions, thoughts, feelings, agency, hopes and dreams with the same respect as the man's and given the same weight as the man's.

It takes a lot of patience to preside in this manner. It's may be not as easy. But just like everything else taught by Jesus Christ, although it may not always be easy, it will always be worth it in the end.

Why is it not as easy? Because the husband and wife are different people, so they will sometimes disagree. The objective when this happens should not be for one of them to come out victorious in a debate, or for one to automatically take precedence over the other. The objective should be for them to come together, to compromise as much as necessary, to talk it through as much as necessary, to express love and appreciation as much as necessary (or more), until they both feel valued; until they feel like they have both been able to contribute, and that they are both willing to go along with the joint decision.

[crashdown]

It takes a lot of patience to preside in this manner. It's may be not as easy. But just like everything else taught by Jesus Christ, although it may not always be easy, it will always be worth it in the end.

Why is it not as easy? Because the husband and wife are different people, so they will sometimes disagree. The objective when this happens should not be for one of them to come out victorious in a debate, or for one to automatically take precedence over the other. The objective should be for them to come together, to compromise as much as necessary, to talk it through as much as necessary, to express love and appreciation as much as necessary (or more), until they both feel valued; until they feel like they have both been able to contribute, and that they are both willing to go along with the joint decision.

I agree completely. In my mind though, I have to redefine it because the word "preside" carries such negative memories/experiences. The words I used are idealistic and are what I hear being taught by the prophet and apostles and read about in the scriptures. However, what is taught and what is practiced are two entirely different things.

And, of course, we are taught the ideal for a reason: to use it as the example, the pattern we are to follow. Again, what we do is much different from what we are taught. I see so many women in my area who are controlled/domineered. Their husbands preside with a tight fist and with little to no regard for their wives. These women have no self-esteem, no self-worth, and many are in denial about it. These women have told me numerous times that my husband is far more important than me, and my hopes and dreams don't matter, only his matter. When I have mentioned that this seems wrong to me, they have shrugged it off saying, "That's celestial marriage. What did you expect it to be?"

And I also know of many women who refuse to take the lead in their home when their husband is not present. They will not have family prayer or FHE or even call on someone to bless the food. They say it's his responsibility and they will not even attempt to do it. I know of men who will not allow their wives to step in and hold FHE or family prayer when they are out of town or at work.

All of these things seem wrong to me. Yes, I know I tend to be an idealist, but these practices are completely off the mark. These practices have been addressed by our stake president several times, but the message isn't getting through.

So this discussion has been a curious one for me. I'm glad to see that there are many men who are presiding in a righteous manner. And there are many in my area who are fantastic presiders, my stake president being one of them. I just wish the rest of the knuckleheads would get it together.