Crying in the dark

[ANNIE_HERE]

Hi - this is my 2nd marraige. My first husband died from cancer almost 20 years ago. He was lds. I don't really feel like it was a good marriage. My second marriage - we have been married 4 1/2 years. My husband is a good man. I love him very much. He is not lds. I am active & he is fine w/my activity. My grown children "can't stand him". They encourage me to get a divorce.

What can i do?

[Guest Sachi001]

Are your children running your life? You live how HF guides you and not them. If you were Eve would you have listen to Cain too? Your married to him. If you love him, and are happy with such. Then tough for them. Tell them to learn to be more forgiving and not judge. The Savior mandates.

[mimi]

do your kids give any reasons for hating him? are they around him often/do they still live with you or something like that?

really i don't see where it is any of your kids' business. and being the southern mouth that i am i would tell them so. but maybe that wouldn't be your approach...if it isn't, then i would suggest just sitting them down and talking to them about him. asking them what it is he does or is or whatever that they don't like. maybe they just don't understand him or know him well enough?

sometimes kids hate to think that their father might be being "replaced". if that is the case then maybe it is time for you to sit them down and tell them exactly what you told us. that your marriage to their father wasn't that great. they may see their father through rose colored glasses but they don't really understand the reality of the situation. maybe he was a good father to them but it's what he meant to them. and it doesn't mean that he meant a good husband to you.

[Guest Sachi001]

do your kids give any reasons for hating him? are they around him often/do they still live with you or something like that?

really i don't see where it is any of your kids' business. and being the southern mouth that i am i would tell them so. but maybe that wouldn't be your approach...if it isn't, then i would suggest just sitting them down and talking to them about him. asking them what it is he does or is or whatever that they don't like. maybe they just don't understand him or know him well enough?

sometimes kids hate to think that their father might be being "replaced". if that is the case then maybe it is time for you to sit them down and tell them exactly what you told us. that your marriage to their father wasn't that great. they may see their father through rose colored glasses but they don't really understand the reality of the situation. maybe he was a good father to them but it's what he meant to them. and it doesn't mean that he meant a good husband to you.

That can be a double edge sword. It could lead the children toward being resentful to their mother as well even though honest as it may seem. Tact is more called for. The children just need to understand that their mom has a right to her happiness, and the children just need to take a chill pill. Just as my wife did with my step daughters. They soon learned after time I was not so bad after all. Time heals if the new dad leads properly and shows he loves his wife.

[john doe]

Hi - this is my 2nd marraige. My first husband died from cancer almost 20 years ago. He was lds. I don't really feel like it was a good marriage. My second marriage - we have been married 4 1/2 years. My husband is a good man. I love him very much. He is not lds. I am active & he is fine w/my activity. My grown children "can't stand him". They encourage me to get a divorce.

What can i do?

Do you interfere with your childrens' marriages or relationships? If not, then remind them of that. You are a grown woman who is able to make her own decisions. If this man is a good man, treats you well, lets you attend church without arguments, and you love him, then I fail to see the problem.

Seems to me the problem is your children want you all to themselves and don't want to share you with another man. It's a bit selfish of them to expect you to be single and miserable for the rest of your life. Sometimes children who have had only one parent for 15 years find it difficult to let go of that parent and let them have a life of their own, just as it was probably hard for you as a parent to let them stretch their wings and leave the nest. It's likely that they 'can't stand him' because now your life doesn't revolve around theirs.

[pam]

do your kids give any reasons for hating him? are they around him often/do they still live with you or something like that?

really i don't see where it is any of your kids' business. and being the southern mouth that i am i would tell them so. but maybe that wouldn't be your approach...if it isn't, then i would suggest just sitting them down and talking to them about him. asking them what it is he does or is or whatever that they don't like. maybe they just don't understand him or know him well enough?

sometimes kids hate to think that their father might be being "replaced". if that is the case then maybe it is time for you to sit them down and tell them exactly what you told us. that your marriage to their father wasn't that great. they may see their father through rose colored glasses but they don't really understand the reality of the situation. maybe he was a good father to them but it's what he meant to them. and it doesn't mean that he meant a good husband to you.

I rather disagree with telling them anything negative about their father you might be feeling. It is their father after all. That was 20 years ago.

I agree with those that state, it's your time and your decision. Your kids just need to get over it.

[LDSJewess]

Hi - this is my 2nd marraige. My first husband died from cancer almost 20 years ago. He was lds. I don't really feel like it was a good marriage. My second marriage - we have been married 4 1/2 years. My husband is a good man. I love him very much. He is not lds. I am active & he is fine w/my activity. My grown children "can't stand him". They encourage me to get a divorce.

What can i do?

Hi Annie,

I'm in my second marriage but we have been married over 20 years. We joined the church together a few years after our marriage. At the time our kids were teens and young adults and frankly my kids although accepting of my new husband at the time, did not think of him as much more than "my husband." My husbands children didn't like me at all because they were hoping that their dad would perhpas go back to their mom (although they had been divorced 6 years before we met).

As time went by and our kids matured and had families of their own, we don't have any of the discord that we had in the beginning, but unfortunately our kids (his an mine all adults) co exist in friendly but cool terms at best. In addition we don't seem to have the close bonding with our children that other families appear to have which makes us sad, especially since we want closer conds with our grown children and our grandchildren. Not having that causes some feelings of emptiness.

I have some melencholy days over it and I am sure my husband does as well. I think we have come to the point that we must accept that which we cannot change.

Our children, (and yours) are indeed grown and we have good men so we nedd to count our blessings. But I too wish that everyone could be one big happy family.

[JudoMinja]

I rather disagree with telling them anything negative about their father you might be feeling. It is their father after all. That was 20 years ago.

I agree with those that state, it's your time and your decision. Your kids just need to get over it.

I agree with this point, however I also agree with mimi's initial suggestion- Talk to your kids about what they dislike about your current husband. Find out if they have good reasons for disliking him or are just trying to cling to you and/or their father. The best way to help them understand and get along with your current husband is to address their concerns.

If they don't like him because they think he is replacing their father, assure them that he is not. If they don't like him because he is taking your time away from them, reiterate that you chose to marry him because he brings you happiness and you love him, and that such love does not lessen any love you have for them or their father.

As long as their concerns are not something serious that you are just not seeing, then they are just going to have to get over this. But you can help them get over it by talking to them about him and addressing what it is they don't like.

I would also suggest talking to your current husband, as he is probably very aware of your children's dislike of him. It may be causing him to feel insecure and afraid that you may give in to the "pressure" of your children to divorce him. He may need some reassurance that you made this decision for yourself and not for your children- that you love him very much and are not going to get a divorce over some petty reasons that your children will have to learn to let go.

[pam]

I wasn't disagreeing with the rest of mimi's suggestion. Just the part about talking negative about their father.

[JudoMinja]

I wasn't disagreeing with the rest of mimi's suggestion. Just the part about talking negative about their father.

I know and sorry if I made it sound like you were disagreeing with the whole thing. I just saw that nobody was supporting the idea of talking about the problems with the children and wanted to make sure it wasn't being assumed that no talking was needed.

Most often, I think when children don't like a step-parent it is for those subconcious and misplaced feelings that the step-parent is somehow replacing the previous one or taking time and love away from them. However, it is possible that there is something serious going on that they are seeing, so talking about what they don't like can be important for everyone. If there is something serious, you will be made aware of it, and if it is just your typical adjustment problems, you can reassure them and explain that you will stick by your decision for yourself because you are happy.

[mimi]

For clarification, I'm not suggesting she go in bad mouthing her first husband.

I don't think it's a bad thing for a child to see a parent realistically. surely they understand that everyone has flaws, and despite being a great father to them, he had flaws in other areas. they should understand how their mother feels and why she feels that way. IMHO Idolizing our parents and seeing them as perfect is what we do when we are little children. seeing them as real people and loving them despite their shortcomings is what we do when we are adults.

Edited July 26, 2011 by mimi

[shine7]

Me and my husband are a second marriage and some of our kids have varying degrees of acceptance towards us being together. It is NOT easy, but we finally found ways to work with this.....not what we both wanted or hoped for.....but at least it works.

I sat my kids down before we married and told them: I don't care if you like my choice or not, but you WILL be kind to him no matter what because I love him. That helped tons. Now they all adore and respect him.

[Guest Sachi001]

For clarification, I'm not suggesting she go in bad mouthing her first husband.

I don't think it's a bad thing for a child to see a parent realistically. surely they understand that everyone has flaws, and despite being a great father to them, he had flaws in other areas. they should understand how their mother feels and why she feels that way. IMHO Idolizing our parents and seeing them as perfect is what we do when we are little children. seeing them as real people and loving them despite their shortcomings is what we do when we are adults.

Well it's fine you are mature enough to see it that way. However you might be surprised how others won't look at it from that perspective. It can backfire greatly. It's best to let them come toward realization on their own on their father. They may never come to realization either, but the main thing it has to be real tactful if pursuing telling them the negatives.

[ruthiechan]

For clarification, I'm not suggesting she go in bad mouthing her first husband.

I don't think it's a bad thing for a child to see a parent realistically. surely they understand that everyone has flaws, and despite being a great father to them, he had flaws in other areas. they should understand how their mother feels and why she feels that way. IMHO Idolizing our parents and seeing them as perfect is what we do when we are little children. seeing them as real people and loving them despite their shortcomings is what we do when we are adults.

Bad mouthing their dead father, no matter how realistic, is crass and uncalled for.

Back to the original question:

Annie, perhaps your children fear that if your husband joins the church you'll want to have a Temple marriage with him instead of with their father.

[shine7]

It is common when someone dies, for us humans to idealize that person.

It is not bad if the children know that Mom realizes their dad wasn't perfect. That can be done without badmouthing the deceased parent.

Maybe your children wish you'd had a better marriage with their dad, and hope that eternity will give you that opportunity.

[mimi]

Bad mouthing their dead father, no matter how realistic, is crass and uncalled for.

I totally agree which is why i said she should not do that.

[Chibihippo]

I have to agree with mimi. She should have a talk with her children and find out what their concerns are and try to resolve them. That may involve divulging some of the things that made her unhappy in her last marriage. However, I don't see that as badmouthing, they should have an open, honest and tactful dialogue.