Teaching children about death

[JudoMinja]

This weekend my son and I were spending time at Grandma and Grandpa's house when my brother came in and said there was a bird stuck in the backyard that couldn't fly away. My dad and I are both volunteer rehabilitators and enjoy helping fix wild animals up to be released, so we went out back to look it over. Apparently, the reason it couldn't fly was because the household cat had caught it and for whatever reason decided not to finish it off. It was very badly injured, beyond our ability to help it. The only kind thing we could do was put it out of its misery.

My son and brothers had followed us outside, and I figured it would be best if my two-year-old didn't see us kill the bird. I asked my brothers to take him inside. When we were done, my son asked if he could go back in the backyard, and then he stepped away from me to pout. He acted very upset and angry with me and wouldn't let me touch him. The only reason I could think of for his behavior was that he understood what "Papa" and I had done and had wanted to keep the bird, so I asked him "Did you want the bird?" He nodded, said "yeah" and looked about to cry.

It was hard enough for my dad and me to kill the bird since we would have preferred helping it get better. It was even harder for me to face my two-year-old being mad at me for what I had done. I had to explain to him that we sent the bird to heaven because it was hurt too badly for us to help it. It was hard to do, and I didn't really feel like I could simplify it enough to explain to someone that young. He was still mad at me, but he let me comfort him.

I think that something like this will probably come up in the future, as I am sure I did not explain it adequately for a two-year-old mind, and he is sure to come across something else dying that we cannot help get better. Hopefully it won't happen until he is a little older as I think that will make it a little easier to explain, but it is still a hard topic to cover. What are some suggestions for broaching this topic with a child? Please feel free to use examples if you have already done this with your own children. I would like to be able to be prepared and treat it as tenderly and honestly as I possibly can.

[NeuroTypical]

I think you did fine. Teaching kids about death is a process, not an event. A few stories from my house:

* We've lost lots of cats, 3 dogs, random birds and stuff, and more than one human.

* We've always used the words "dead" and "died" with our kids, even though they didn't get it until they were 4-5-ish. We have never held back the truth, but we also have never made a big deal about it.

* Our kids have free reign over feeling their emotions. We don't try to modify them, so they cry or don't cry 'enough'. "You'll feel what you feel - and that's ok".

* When they show us that death is something worth crying over, then so be it. We all cry when we lose a pet or beloved critter. I think it was good for the kids to know mom & dad are feeling the same loss and crying a little.

* No really - it's worth crying over a lot. Sometimes, over and over again. Sometimes, a year goes by and our 7 yr old just out of the blue says "I miss [cat x]!" and cries a little. (This is the 7 yr old who has absolutely zero problem knowing that daddy shot the antelope that we're having for dinner.) We respect each other's sadness, and we mourn our lost loved critters.

* They've seen death. They've helped bury cats. We have let them lead the way in this - one kid was very interested and wanted to see everything, the other one was fine with just knowing what was going on.

[Spartan117]

I have no children of my own but I do have an experience I would like to share that I think is pertinent to your situation. When I was a young teenager I was living with my aunt and uncle. Also living with them were my 2 cousins who were each in their 20's, one of which had just had her first child, a baby girl. I lived there for years and watched my baby cousin grow up from an infant to a toddler. Well, as she got older her mom made the decision to get her 3 or 4 year old daughter a guinea pig. This was great! And it worked out very well and taught her about responsibility and being gentle with her pet and brought her lots of joy. Then it died. Well, mom found the guinea pig lifeless in his cage early one morning before her daughter woke up. She quickly flung the top of the cage off, opened the window in the room, grabbed the evidence and buried it at the very bottom of the outside trash container just as her daughter was waking up. Mom went back inside to find her daughter by the empty cage, groggy and confused. Her daughter asked, very concerned, where her pet was. Mom took a look around the room, saw the cage with no lid and the open window and told her "He ran away."

She used this tactic until her daughter was old enough to figure it out on her own. Like I said at the beginning, I don't have kids. But when I do, I know what approach I will not be using.

[applepansy]

Our experience in explaining death to our four children has been similar to LM's.

Don't hide it. Be honest. And its ok to feel sad and cry. Grieving is a healthy part of the process.

EDIT: With my 3yo grandson I'm a little more worried. We will be matter of fact about it but his experiences so far have changed how we need to approach things. Our dog was hit by a car last winter. We tried to explain where Shady went. We didn't allow him to see her....she was a mess. He still asks for her sometimes even though we got him a puppy.

I think I made a mistake in letting him watch "How to Train Your Dragon" because the main character uses the phrase "I'm dead" to describe being in trouble.

Edited August 23, 2011 by applepansy