what to do when the ex and her new man destroy your desire to find someone?

[shdwlkr]

No I don't expect any real answers more just needed to get this off my mind and let it go.

The ex and her new man and I had a real issue yesterday and I walked away beaten up and thinking I can never bring another person into my world and expect them to deal with this mess and not have it destroy a new relationship for me.

So I am thinking that it is far better for me to remain single and that way save some one new in my life having to put up with the stuff I am.

I am not perfect and I know this but after yesterday I really don't want a new love to ever deal with the stuff I am dealing with and just wonder how to accept being alone for the rest of my life and not feel really alone?

No needs to answer this post as I said it was just something I needed to let go of and now I can well sort of as looking ahead to decades of being alone is not a fun thing but at least I will be able to do and go where I want when I want.

The one question I would love to ask them but know how they would answer already is," what is worse to kill someone or to kill their desire to find someone new" sort of like which is worse to kill the body or to kill the soul of another but not really if you know what I am even getting at here.

[Spartan117]

Everybody has baggage my friend. The trick is finding a matched set.

Fortune cookie advice aside, It's obvious you are very hurt right now. I don't mean to trivialize what happened with your ex, but you wont always feel this way. I know you needed to vent and I get that, just thought I'd pass along my 2 cents worth and let you know I think this whole thing sucks but one day all will be well :-)

It Is Not Good for Man or Woman to Be Alone

[skippy740]

Do you have kids with this woman?

[shdwlkr]

Spartan

thanks, but you do realize that many will never remarry or marry period because of issues like this in this life don't you? There is nothing that says we will all enjoy the love of another person in this life and many of us will never be able to accept that anyone would want to share our challenges in this life.

Skippy

Yep so will be an issue for decades maybe life, It is kind of funny and kind of sad to think about how much they enjoyed attacking me and even how they felt justified in doing so. Guess I am just the dirt bag they think I am and have to get used to that.

Oh well life is full of challenges and we all get what we are needed to test us now if I can only figure out why being alone which I hate more than being shot at is a challenge I need to learn? We are taught we will never be given a challenge we can't deal with but I can tell you some cut deeper than others and in doing so the scar left is much harder to accept.

Do I blame them nope, hold hard feelings toward them nope, just not in me anymore to feel negative towards anyone but me as I am the only one I can control sort of anyways.

Sometimes we have to accept the hard choice that some things are better left to us and us alone no matter what that means to us as a person.

[Spartan117]

Spartan

thanks, but you do realize that many will never remarry or marry period because of issues like this in this life don't you? There is nothing that says we will all enjoy the love of another person in this life and many of us will never be able to accept that anyone would want to share our challenges in this life.

I do understand that many will not marry in this life for a variety of reasons, your situation probably being one of them. Like I said I don't mean to trivialize how you feel or what has happened, I can't even imagine what you're going through. I just don't think this will end up defining you, and those people wont always have the influence and effect on you that they do now. I'm not trying to blow sunshine up your ***, it just seems like you're being rather hard on yourself is all. And it also seems there are plenty of people in your life who can handle that for you right now. Just trying to offer a kind word and maybe a different perspective.

[HiJolly]

I hear a 'victim' mentality. You could probably benefit from counseling.

HiJolly

[shdwlkr]

No just ticked I let them get to me that much and how it has left me feeling.

You know we are our own worst enemies and I realize this and in time I will not care what they think.

But I do wonder if I should ever force another to deal with this crap and all the issues it creates.

I don't like how it leaves me and why would someone who has no real connection to the issues want to jump into this mess?

the feelings will pass most likely but you know some times we do others kindness but not letting them into a bad situation that will maybe improve over the decades.

Tell me would any of you want to jump into a mess that you have no control over, be treated like dirt, and realize if you say anything it could stress your relationship because the issue is so toxic.

As to the counseling statement, nope don't feel like the victim more of the one who has no real rights and that is the real case courts see dads as the enemy even when they try not too it is just to ingrained in them from all the dead beat dads who cut and run in the past.

I am just at the point of wondering why in any way would I allow someone else to come into my life and put up with what I am and feel good about that. I have friends that it far worse than I do and I wonder sometimes what it gains the one who does the belittling of another. I could have brought up many of the things she did to me but you know it would only have reduced me to her and her man's level and I am not going there no matter how much it hurts me to keep my mouth shut.

It is also funny how she is still stuck in how terrible I am and how holy she is and yet she it the one who abandoned me, found a new man while still married to me and even carried on an affair while we were married and yet I am the dirt bag.

HiJolly

Please don't think I am attacking or blowing off your statement but sometimes you need to know of the story and no you will never know all the story but be careful making such quick judgment calls about what is posted. I said right from the first post I didn't care if anyone responded it did what it was intended and that was allow me to let out my frustrations with my situation that I can not change and it will go on for decades and I have to find my peace in this and also to accept that just maybe for me what I must learn is to live alone in this life. I blame no one if this is the way it turns out, none of us know until they happen what challenges we must face in this life it is what it does to us and how we deal with them that accounts for how good or bad we did in this life.

I am looking for this to be a growing challenge it is just now it cuts a little deeper than I had expected and has left me wondering just how painful this phase of my life is going to be and what I will be like on the other side if I make it that far. Some of us will be consumed by the challenge and that is just how it works out. Do I want that to be what happens to me, not really one reason to post here. It is easier to be beat up, supported and yes put down by people who don't really know you then to allow people you know to do it sometimes, see you don't really care how what you say will help or hurt me and for the most part you shouldn't care as I opened the door for you to use me as a floor mat or a chance to be a listening ear and offer some good ideas.

Later folks I thank all of your for your posts it has helped and even given me some ideas of how to look at this and as to it one day being in the past yep it will be and by then if I still am alone it will be the way I end life as once you have gone for so many years there just is no way to change. That is not where I would like to end but like I said we all have challenges in this life and this could be mine, accepting that I am to be alone for the rest of my life and how much I hate being alone.

[Suzie]

Do you have any children with your ex? If you do, then I understand the fact that you probably have to see her when you need to pick up your kids for visitation, etc. If you do NOT have any kids with her, what the heck are you doing?

[classylady]

Shdwlkr, I'm sorry you're experiencing such a "down" time right now. What you're going through is hard. I can relate in that I married a man who has had some of the same trials as you. His ex cheated on him, and after the third guy that he knew of, he finally filed for divorce. There were a lot of bitter feelings after the divorce. And, yes I was dragged into it. There really isn't a way to avoid the ex when there are children involved. I can tell you this, in my husbands case, it has gotten better over the years. Things seemed to mellow as the years went on. So, there is hope. Maybe youll meet someone in the future who will love you, baggage and all. I love my husband, though I won't sugarcoat it and say it's been a piece-of-cake, for it was hard for me to deal with it all. We still have some issues that we deal with, but because of our commitment and love for each other, we are able to overcome most problems.

I hope things will start getting better for you. Have faith that they will!

[shdwlkr]

Suzie

Yes there are kids two are really young and one is older and then there are some others that agree with mom that dad is a no good guy.

Classylady

I am glad things worked for you but for me I just don't have the courage to get involved with anyone any more and I hate being alone. Will it change in a few years, at my age a few years will be a deal closer if I am alone that long I will be to set in my ways and will not be able to allow some one in.

As I said I am more mad at myself for letting them get to me and yes I know it is all show so the kids can see dad is a bad guy and also to reaffirm to the ex mother in law what a scumbag I am. Oh yea it was planned out well.

Yes she did things and she filed for the divorce and was remarried 24 hours after the final divorce decree and it has screwed up the kids as to what a relationship really is.

My little guys are scared for dad as they don't like me being alone and it upsets them a lot. They have asked me why I am not remarried like mommy, she did it right after the divorce and they knew the new guy for months before the divorce as mom used to go visit him and stay over, but you know nothing went on it was all platonic until the divorce was final. If you believe that one I have a lake to sell you in the Gobi desert.

She found a new guy while we were still married, when I needed her love and support most she just washed her hands of me and went looking for someone new.

Oh well just my luck to be one of the ones who needs to travel this life journey alone. I really don't know if I can ever trust a woman again in this life to be telling me the truth about caring about me, wanting to be with me, or even that I am a good guy. It is sad that someone we love so much can destroy us so well and not even care or realize what they have done to us.

She feels nothing towards me; well nothing positive unless she wants or needs something from me, doesn't see where she did anything wrong and I am just a very bad person.

Thanks again to all who have answered this thread you have given me some hope but the fear factor is just getting worse and