How do you know when you are in love?

[texas1992]

I was in a loveless marriage for 21 years. I don't know if I have ever been in love with any woman I have been involved with. I not sure that I know what love is.

I have been with my girlfriend for a year and we have talked seriously about getting married. How do I know that I am in love with her? I don't want to make the same mistake that I made the first time.

I get along with this lady better than I did with my wife. I think about her all the time. Most of my goals involve her. We really click and I can't think of my future without her but I know that if we broke up I would find someone else...it may take some time but it would happen.

So, how do I know that I am in love with this great woman?

Thanks.

[Guest Godless]

If she makes you happier than you've ever been in your life, then you're probably in love with her.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I think time is one indicator. At first it's hard to tell between infatuation and love. But after you spend a lot of time with the person, if you still feel drawn to her, knowing all her quirks and rough spots, that's one indication there is love.

However, I think there is more to a happy marriage than just love. You need to understand each other's emotional needs, and how well you are able to meet those needs without really trying.

I suggest you read over Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice -- Willard Harley Junior, a marriage counsellor, describes 10 common emotional needs. He even has an emotional needs questionnaire you and your intended can work through to uncover each other's emotional needs.

If I was you, I would look over his site and really understand his theory. it's pretty simple and immensely practical. I would reflect on your past relationship in the context of his approach to love and marriage until you understand why love was not present. I would also look at two things:

a) The needs your new woman has, and how well you can meet those needs naturally, without really trying

b) Identifying your own needs and assessing whether this new woman can meet them naturally and sustainably.

I can tell you exactly why my marriage ticks now. My wife has needs for Conversation, Affection, Financial Support and Family Commitment. I do all those things well except conversation, which I work at. It makes a difference.

I have several needs as well, but my wife has had to learn to meet most of them them. They don't come naturally to her, and it has made my marriage very hard, but she has learned to meet them adequately. They involve family commitment, domestic support, and others. But I find her attractive, so that has helped the marriage survive.

I know now, from Harley's theory, that I need to be married to someone who has naturally good parenting skills, shares in the work of running the household with me, and is attractive. They need to have an absence of angry outbursts from my spouse, and a spouse who doesn't act without consulting me on major decisions. I think people contemplating marriage should be able to articulate their own needs, their spouse's needs, and how well each person meets the others needs -- just as I have above. Ideally, each person should meet the top 3 needs without having to change their personality or habits.

In my view, I would assess your marriage from within his Harley's framework, and see how well your new woman is able to meet your own brand of needs and vice versa. Good marriages chug along really well when people meet each other's emotional needs naturally.

Also, one friend suggested going on a vacation with her family -- you will REALLY get to know their family culture and the habits she is likely to bring to your own family as time progresses. We are often carbon copies of our parents -- see it in advance by really spending time with her and her family. You'll be amazed at what you'll learn if you haven't already done this.

Edited September 17, 2011 by mormonmusic

[Dravin]

If she makes you happier than you've ever been in your life, then you're probably in love with her.

The probably being that infatuation can result in the same kind of feeling.

Edited September 17, 2011 by Dravin

[texas1992]

Thanks MormonMusic for your reply. I like the link that you provided. I have gone through my previous marriage and with an open mind analyzed my actions and contributions or lack thereof. I was far from perfect and I didn't want to participate in the marriage for many years. I didn't want to save the marriage. However, I know that was wrong but it is what it is. My girlfriend and I have discussed my actions in depth and she has seen so much improvement since the first time we met. I have not changed for her but for me. I have read a ton of books and articles on the internet that have helped me evaluate myself and make changes.

I think the thing that has helped me the most is that I started going to the temple on a weekly basis. This has allowed me to calmly look inside what I have been and what I can become. I will use this website that you presented and take what I can from it.

My problem is that I just don't understand if I love her. I think I do but I don't think I have ever been in love before and am not sure I would recognize the feeling. I just don't want to marry her and then lose interest in her because I am not in love with her. I think the fact that we are still together after a year is a good sign. Also, she and I have talked about and done things that I never wanted to do with my wife. I hated talking to my wife but I love talking with my girlfriend.

Anyway, thanks for your post.

[Blocky]

This post makes me think a little about how we have lots of different people in our lives that we love, but that 'being in love' is viewed in a different way. I suppose 'do you love her?' and 'are you in love with her?' are two different things. I would guess that you do love her, you know her very well and like who she is and like spending time with her and are willing to sacrifice for her. In a lot of ways we get to choose what we love. As far as 'being in love' I would venture to guess you do have romantic feelings for her, combined with a family/friend type love.

I don't think being in love is some mystic, ethereal thing that magically descends on two people. When you're in a long term relationship, there will be a lot of times when you'll need to choose to love that other person because there will be rough times. You will get to know the person, good and bad and sometimes the bad, immature, or issues come up from the other person and it's not easy. If you're willing to keep focusing on the good, have faith in that person and are willing to sacrifice a little of your own ease and enjoyment to help that person and the relationship along, I think that is love and the foundation for a good marriage.

[texas1992]

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense in that there is not one definition of "love". She has told me some things about her past that would and has made many men run away but I feel that if the lord has forgiven her then I have no right to hold them against her. Those things happened before I ever knew her. We have been very honest with each other and I feel that you have to be honest if you are going to have a good marriage.

After the responses I think that I am in love with her and that my love for her will grow as we spend more and more time together. Thanks for y'alls help.

[Guest Godless]

The probably being that infatuation can result in the same kind of feeling.

True. That's why courtship should never be rushed. Infatuation can be deceptive, but it's usually short-lived.

[Guest mormonmusic]

My problem is that I just don't understand if I love her. I think I do but I don't think I have ever been in love before and am not sure I would recognize the feeling. I just don't want to marry her and then lose interest in her because I am not in love with her. I think the fact that we are still together after a year is a good sign. Also, she and I have talked about and done things that I never wanted to do with my wife. I hated talking to my wife but I love talking with my girlfriend.

Anyway, thanks for your post.

Well, if you follow Willard Harley Junior's thinking, when you love someone, you are willing to serve them. You WANT to do things for them, you WANT to be with them, you look forward to seeing the etcetera. You suggest this is the case to some extent because you like talking to her.

People who are not in love go into withdrawal - they no longer want to be part of the relationship. When people have love, but are not happy -- wanting more from their spouse/girlfriend they go into conflict where they are "at" the other person to change.

For me, I knew I was in love because:

1. I couldn't stop looking at my wife's picture when she wasn't around! I just loved to look at it and reflect on her qualities.

2. I loved talking to her on the phone.

3. I was always thinking of things to do for her.

4. I felt proud to be with her with other people.

5. I felt very comfortable around her, and I felt good about myself when I was with her.

This happened for a long time -- several months, even after I got to know her when she was cranky.

Then I got married and learned about my emotional needs and her ability to satisfy them, and that's where things took a turn for the worse, for both of us....it's almost like it was two different things -- love before marriage based on looks, time spent together in largely unmarriage-like situations, and then the REAL state of affairs after we got married.

I think the key is to try to simulate as much as possible the experience of being married, or at least, deducing what it will be like from the person's family, and spending lots of time with them.

But back to the dating part -- with people you don't love, there comes a point when:

1. You feel like you don't know them anymore -- they are no longer the person you thought they were.

2. You have no interest in spending spare time with them.

3. You don't feel proud to be with them when you go places.

I have felt these things with different women I dated or was engaged to...

[Guest]

When her happiness is at least as important to you as your own, and the thought of not spending forever with her makes your heart ache.

[Soulsearcher]

I tend to agree with mormonmusic.

I don't think there's any sure fire way to tell, but there are things that speak to each of us that seem to tell us when a feeling is stronger, more genuine or unique.

Musics list reminds me of similar thoughts in the one relationship i really look upon as being in love. Willingness to put the person you love and your relationship as a top priority no matter what you come against is a huge indicator for me. Facing possible risk and adversity with eyes wide open and still not letting it get in the way. Looking at the world and knowing that if it came to a choice between your love and other parts of your life that matter a great deal, your love would matter more. However that's just my view.

lol of course if we are going for the less dramatic ways to tell then going to pick up your boyfriend after work a few times a week and taking him home on the bus after he got off work and not getting home til after midnight when you have to be up at 330 for work was a sure sign i was just a lil in love for me lol.

[zuko725]

When you don't have to ask. You just know.

[texas1992]

When you don't have to ask. You just know.

I disagree with that statement. If you have never been love before how do you know? Your statement says that there is noway I am in love with my girlfriend.

As I have read the previous posts I have come to realize that I am in love with my girlfriend. I care about her. I think about her constantly. I do things for her without being asked to do them. I can't wait to talk to her when we are apart. She will text me at 3am and it doesn't bother me even though I have to get up in about an hour. There is very little that she can do to make me mad.

So as you can see just because I had to ask doesn't mean I do not love her. I do love her. Maybe not as much as I would like but that will change over time. Thanks for your response though.

[BenRaines]

One of my favorite quotes is by President Spencer W. Kimball. It was about love and marriage. He said, the best I can recall, "When you have two people who are totally unselfish. Willing to give all to the other, you will have love."

It is when one person becomes selfish that it doesn't work. After more than 30 years of trying to give, give, give I chose to be selfish. Now I have found someone who is willing to give as much as I do and I have never been happier.

Ben Raines

[Jennarator]

I can't tell you how I know. But I can tell you I am very in love with my husband. I can look at him and just kinda forget what I was just thinking about. Hearing him reassure me about something can calm my nervousness. His arm around me can warm my whole body. Been married almost two years and it just wasn't like this with my first marriage. There is a big difference.

[Guest pogi]

In a healthy relationship, love is not something that just happens to you, that is infatuation. Love is something that you create with your own hands. It is a verb. You will recognize it because you created it.

zuko725 is absolutely right.

Texas 1992, did somebody have to tell you how to know if you love your mother? Let me know how that, texting at 3am just to say hi when you have to be up in an hour, thing goes for you after you have been married a few years. That, my friend, is infatuation, it won't last, trust me, it won't last! I'm not saying that you don't love her for asking, but it does say to me that you are questioning your love for her, or her's for you. That, to me, says that either you don't trust yourself, or you don't trust her. Either way, that will lead to major problems in a marriage. Let the infatuation wear off, then do a re-assessment.

Just know this, you know better than any of us if you love her. There is no equation that anybody can give you to figure that out.

Edited September 30, 2011 by pogi

[Guest mormonmusic]

See, when I read the responses above like "I just know" it reminds me a bit of Plato's allusion to the "unexamined life". People who say "they just know" have been lucky. They've been lucky to have met someone who meets their unconscious emotional needs so they are happy. They don't know why, it just worked due to the luck of the draw -- to me this is like just letting life's lucky stars happen to you.

I honestly think it's better to do the necessary analysis and figure out WHY it will work so you can make it stay. You need to know the other person's needs, and how you naturally meet them, and you have to know your own needs, and what the other person does that keeps those needs satisfied. Otherwise, you're just lucky and can't help others, or even avoid previously negative relationship dynamics -- or know what to keep doing, or stop doing to keep love alive through the challenges of the coming decades.

When I was contemplating marriage, I asked A LOT of people to help me understand the dynamics of marriage. NO ONE could tell me. Some said it was luck, some said it was an absence of things which cause you to no longer respect the other person, but no one could articulate the true drivers of love and happy marriages. It was only after experiencing my own needs unmet for very very long periods of time in my own marriage that I was able to diagnose why my own marriage was failing, and why the marriages of others seemed to chug along so well.

I am still married, but my marriage is only slightly above tolerable in the "reasonably happy" category. I've survived by lowering my standards for a clean house is, occasionally pay people to clean it when I'm ready to divorce my wife over her lack of help. I also have a daughter who helps clean the house and cares about it, mitigating my wife's inability to meet my need for domestic support. My daughter helps me, keeping that need for help with basic household tasks somewhat satisfied.

But my wife to this day has little interest in meeting my emotional needs regularly, even though she is fully aware of them. She gets no energy from it, but still says she loves me deeply -- which at times, I have found hard to believe because her actions don't show it.

I encourage you to understand the dynamics of love and marriage before you get married so you can avoid the mistakes that will make your life difficult.

[sister_in_faith]

I loved reading this thread... Made me think about how I know I love MY honey.

When he is at work I am constantly listening for sirens, worrying about, and missing him. When we walk past each other in the house and I see his face, my heart jumps a little, like "Oh! There he is!". I am constantly trying to think of ways to make HIS life better. I scratch his back whenever he wants and I don't mind, in fact I like doing it because he likes it so much. If I think about life without him I feel like someone is tearing out my heart. It is like we are just drawn to each other. I don't know how else to explain it...

But texas 1992, if you have discovered that you DO love her, you have found a very wonderful thing. Congrats!!!

Remember: True love doesn't hurt. I have learned that the hard way.

[cew03]

will if you have to ask .....then i'm sure your not in love

[texas1992]

I loved reading this thread... Made me think about how I know I love MY honey.

When he is at work I am constantly listening for sirens, worrying about, and missing him. When we walk past each other in the house and I see his face, my heart jumps a little, like "Oh! There he is!". I am constantly trying to think of ways to make HIS life better. I scratch his back whenever he wants and I don't mind, in fact I like doing it because he likes it so much. If I think about life without him I feel like someone is tearing out my heart. It is like we are just drawn to each other. I don't know how else to explain it...

But texas 1992, if you have discovered that you DO love her, you have found a very wonderful thing. Congrats!!!

Remember: True love doesn't hurt. I have learned that the hard way.

Yes, I have come to realize that I really can and do loveher vet much. Infact we are more engaged. Thanks for all your help.