zuko725

My husband and I are currently looking around for our first house. We're both in our early to mid twenties and he just recently landed a stable, good paying job. We were approved for a loan for up to $250,000, which is way way more than we could ever want to spend. At first we were kind of looking for a starter home.. but like you, the more I thought about it the less sense it made. We could easily afford a decent 3-4 bedroom house and chances are we'll have a kid or two before we would be moving into house #2, so why not just go ahead and buy a bigger house to grow into? I'll agree with what everyone else has been saying, don't buy more than you can afford. If you and your husband both work, I'd also advise to not put both incomes towards the house. I have a friend whose parents did that and when her dad lost his job, they couldn't afford to keep the house. I'm in school right now but I should be graduating in about a year and a half. If my husband were to lose his job for any reason, than the money I would be making should take care of the house payments. Something to think about :-) I hope you guys are having better luck finding a house than we are!

Welcome :)

Also to SpringGirl.. the couple you mentioned who was in a similiar situation.. how did they turn out?

Well thanks again everyone for all the advice. I just wanted to point out that his ultimatum is apparently off the table. When I tried to imagine what it would be like if I actually quit going to church, I started crying. My husband apparently seemed to realize how much leaving the church would hurt me and told me he was sorry for putting me in that position. He told me he realized he was being selfish and he believes the best thing to do is to "man up" and try harder to tolerate my beliefs. I'm not so sure how well that's supposed to go. It's like no matter what we choose to do.. it's going to hurt. If I were to leave the church (which I simply can't and I won't) I would hurt (he said knowing I'm unhappy would make him unhappy), if we split up we will both be hurting, if he tries harder to "tolerate" the church being a part of my life, he's unhappy and that makes me sad. There's simply no easy, pain free solution. I'm going to talk to the bishop this evening and my husband agrees that this may be a good idea. I know the bishop can't tell me to do and what not to do but I'm hoping there's something he can say that will help. I still can't shake the feeling that we'll get through this and be okay though (not sure if I'm just feeling this way out of stubborness or if I'm feeling this way for a reason.. ) We spent the entire morning talking and I think our plan (as of right now) is to just keep trying to figure a way around this. I've also decided that I will NOT be the one to enforce a divorce. I believe we can find a way to work through this. I can respect his non-belief and I'm okay with going to church alone. If he decides he can't handle being married to a "mormon" than he can be the one to file and leave. I won't be the one who gave up. Regardless, I know I have Heavenly Father on my side and I know things will somehow turn out okay. I just wish this wasn't so painful :-(

I just posted a previous thread a couple days ago about the problems we have been having. http://www.lds.net/forums/marriage-relationship-advice/52338-nonmember-husband-wants-divorce.html Basically this has come down to an ultimatum. My husband came home from work this morning and simply told me that not only does he not believe the church is true, but he really really does not like it. He said nothing about it feels right to him and that it is wrong. We were getting ready to start looking for a house and we were hoping to start a family within the next couple years and he told me that he doesn't like the idea of having mormon kids who are going to be raised to feel sorry for him and who will be raised to believe they won't be sealed to him and that our family won't be together. He doesn't believe this and he doesn't want our future kids, or me, believing this. He more or less told me I needed to choose between him or the church. I am compeletly stuck. How am I supposed to choose between the two things I love most in this world? I can't quit going to church (again). It's true, I know it's true and I want to live my life righteously. But on the other hand, my husband is the love my life. Apart from this snag, he's a great guy. We've planned a future together and he feels so right. I don't feel like leaving him would be the right thing to do either. I can't stand the idea of not going to church anymore, but I can't walk away from my marriage either. I think I'm going to try and talk to my bishop tonight and see what kind of advice he can give me. Of course I'll also be doing a lot of praying as well. Any advice or input from anyone else out there would also be hugely appreciated.

Ohh okay! That's the scripture I had read before! I guess I didn't read it thoroughly or undertand it the last time I read it! Thank you so much for finding it and clearing it up for me!

Im not sure if I'm posting this is in the right section but this is a topic that has been bugging me for me awhile. I'm not a vegetarian but I have been cutting back my consumption of meat and I'm open to the idea of someday not eating meat at all. The main thing that is holding me back from doing this is a scripture I remember reading in D&C. I don't remember what section in D&C it was or what the exact wording was but I remember it saying something about restraining from consuming meat was not of God. This led me to believe that vegetarianism is "wrong" (for lack of a better word). The thing is, I can't find where I read this scripture anywhere and I'm beginning to think I imagined it or something. Does anyone have any idea what scripture I'm talking about or if they know the official stance on vegetarianism?

Thank you so much!!

Okay so I probably sound like an idiot.. but I don't know how to pay tithing! When I was working my summer job a few years ago, I paid tithing, but my dad always took care of it for me, I just wrote the check and filled out the slip of paper that he would hand to me. That was the one and only time I ever worked and since then I've been a full time college student. However, I just started my summer job and I am finally making money again! I got my first pay check this past week and tomorrow I plan on paying tithing. The only problem is I don't know how to. I don't know where to get the little piece of paper my dad used to hand to me and I don't know who I give it to when I fill it out. Also, I pay 10% of my check BEFORE taxes were taken out.. right? I feel so silly for not knowing this Someone please help me?

Yes I have been in your position before. I was born and raised in the church but went inactive when I moved away from home and went to college. I was only "inactive" for about 3 years and I understand what you mean about it being intimidating. I had no idea where our ward was or anyone that would be there. I probably would have started going back a year sooner than I did if it weren't for these fears. I had my dad come down and visit me and my husband (who isn't a member) and he went to the ward in our area with us. It made going there after that on my own much easier. Also, don't worry about it not "feeling the same".. in my experience, it felt better than I remembered. The sooner you get over your fear and go back, the sooner you'll get to have the gospel back in your life. It is so so so worth it. It's been almost a year since I started going back and I feel at home there and the people in our ward are so amazing. I was also just recently called into the Young Women's as an advisor and I love it. Being back in church and having the gospel back in my life is so unbelievably amazing and I strongly urge you and anyone else who is inactive to head back as soon as you can :)

What I still don't understand is WHY you regret marrying her. You obviously felt something for her at one time.. otherwise you would never have asked her to marry you in the first place (and in your case, you did so twice). You were never "forced" to marry her.. you may have felt obligated or pressured.. but you still had a choice and you still chose to. So there had to have been SOMETHING there that made you want to marry her in the first place. You haven't given much information as to what your relationship is like. From what I can see.. you just don't seem to like her much. I just gotta ask.. why?? If she treats you with respects, raises your children well, doesn't abuse alcohol, drugs (etc), doesn't cheat on you, and is overall a good human being and a good wife.. then why would you regret your marriage? That's a lot more than a lot of couples could even hope to find in a spouse. Again, I have no idea what your wife is like or what your relationship is like.. but if there's no major issue or problem than I don't see why you aren't happy. The grass isn't greener on the other side... it's greener on the side you water.

Curious.. have you recieved your patriarchal (sp) blessing? If not, I highly recommend you do. It could give you some insight, guidance or some comfort. If you do have it, i suggest re-reading it :) Reading my patriarchal (sp) blessing always seems to help me when I'm feeling down and it always leaves me with a feeling of comfort.

My hubby and I share. We only have one account and that's where all the money goes into. I guess I should point out that he is the only one with a job as I'm a full time student.. BUT when I get out of school and start working, we will still be using just the one account. However, I'm basically the one who spends the money. All of the grocery shopping is done by me (he isn't allowed to go with me anymore as we end up spending way too much when he does) and I'm the one who sends out the checks to pay the bills. Come to think of it, I don't think he even knows how to write a check. Buying gifts for Christmas is especially weird because I am literally spending "his" money on his own presents haha It works for us, I'm just looking forward to having a job and being able to contribute financially.. he works too hard.

I'm so glad you posted this because I feel the same exact way!! I pray every day, go to church every Sunday, have a calling in Young Women's, read church magazines, read the scriptures etc and hang out on LDS sites such as this one but I still feel like I don't have the spirit with me and, like you, am just plodding through life. I almost feel like I'm completely on my own here. I know that's not true.. but that's how I feel. I feel like I'm searching for guidance and I'm just not getting it. I know I'm not being much help, just letting you know I feel the same way and I will be checking back to see what anyone else has to say on the matter.

Haha Nobody here offended me! You guys all gave great advice and that I plan on following! The reason I deleted my posts was because I was frustrated yesterday and I felt bad for the amount of complaining I was doing and some of the things I said and simply didn't want my posts up anymore. Since I can't delete the thread, I just deleted the things I posted. I'm convinced hubby and I will be just fine.. I feel like we're just going through a bad rough patch right now but I truly feel that we will somehow, someway get through this. Bottom line is, we're both crazy about each other and want to make it work. Another thing I realized was that maybe my birth control pills are a little too much for me and making me go on this crazy mood swings.. so that's something I think I'm going to look into. One minute I'm happy and everything's great.. the next I'm sad or angry over something small.. I never used to be like this and I can't help but wonder if my bc is to blame? Also "our" house is being inspected today and I'm a bit bummed about it. I was looking forward to doing all this house stuff but it's kind of a bummer being there during the inspection, knowing that hubby is just going to reject the house afterwards anyway Oh well. Anyway, thanks again everyone for the advice and concerns.. it truly is appreciated.

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Okay, wow.. I seriously feel like I could have written this myself.. it's almost creepy lol The one big difference between us is I was born and raised in the church (so I at least have family that are members of the church) But I understand 100% where you're coming from. I was inactive when I met and married my husband (yes we're already married lol) I started going back to church about a year ago and he showed interest in the beginning, but after a few months lost interest. Like you, I'm also 22 and will be 23 in July. Like you, I also suffered from an ED (and am in the process of recovering still), like you, I am completely dependant on my husband. Without him I would have no where to live, no car, no money etc. He works full time while I go to school and I live 3 hours from my family. I also understand what you're talking about when you say that you're spiritually unhappy. While I was inactive I felt so empty all the time. When I started going back to church I felt that old spiritual happiness again and it was wonderful.. I tried explaining this to my hubby but he was lost on it. I understand your concerns and the pain you're going through, I went through it too and I still am. As I mentioned before my husband took a big interest in the church but lost interest. After he lost interest he also started to poke fun at it a little. One time while we were out with his athiest best friend (who I couldn't stand and I still think had a part in my husband losing interest) he made a joke about how "mormons are really weird people". This really offended and he later apologized but every now and then he would crack a joke and it would be so hurtful towards me. Of course, sometimes my husband speaks highly of the church, it really depends on the mood he's in and who we're with. But bottom line, I understand. I have become much more active in the church and just recently accepted a calling in the Young Women's. I almost feel like the more active I become in the church the more problems are caused between me and my husband. Here's a theory I have though: I think our men are afraid of losing us. I don't think they really have a problem with the church or with our activity in it.. I think they're afraid that as we become more active, we'll start to not want them anymore and instead will wish we were with return missionaries instead. I think they feel threatened. As much as I hate to admit it, they are somewhat right. I love my husband dearly and we have a lot of the same problems as you and your fiance. In your post you mentioned something about how your fiance told you that he thinks you'll become unhappy with him if you come back to church... as much as it stinks... this is kind of true. I can't tell you how painful it is to get up and go to church by myself every morning and how much it hurts to see other couples sitting there together. Lessons on temple marriages are always hard to sit through.. it's almost impossible to be in a part member marriage and NOT feel upset about it. Also, his concerns for you changing are valid.. because you WILL change. You may not think you will right now.. but believe me, you will. I certainly did. Things that I was okay with before suddenly bothered me (like certain tv shows we watched.. they seemed harmless before but after being active in the church again.. I found a lot of it to be offensive) That was just one example, but your view and outlook on things will change... maybe not at first but it at some point it will. However, with that said.. I love my husband dearly and I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Yes, we have problems but I believe we will be able to somehow work through them. Also, with your concerns regarding your return to the church, don't worry so much about it. The church will gladly accept you back. As with talking to the bishop and starting the repentance process, yes he may ask you to not take the sacrament... but this will be for your own benefit! It's not a "punishment" it's a way to help you move towards repentance. However, you may not be asked to not take it. I also lived with my husband before we were married and I did a lot of stuff I'd prefer not recalling and I wasn't asked to stop taking the sacrament. Of course, by then I had long forsaken my sins and was beyond remorseful and I think my bishop saw that. It's different for everyone.. but it's so worth it! It's definitely hard talking to the bishop that first time but it is so unbelievably worth it. What you and your fiance need to do is sit down and have a serious talk about this. Whether you like it or not you'll have to address these issues sooner or later and it would be wise to do so before you tie the knot. In order for this to work, you two need to have a mutual respect for one another. He needs to accept you and your desire to return to church and you need to accept that he may never want to have anything to do with the church. If he refuses to talk to you or respect your decision to return to church then I think it would be wise to walk away and find someone who will. I know that's sooo much harder to do than it sounds (especially considering how dependant you are on him) but I believe it would be the smartest decision and better for you in the long run. Remember, the Lord wants you to come back to him and he will help you through this. You can never go wrong by being faithful. Remember, this life is only a spec of time compared to all eternity. Good luck and I hope things work out in your favor!

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Oh Pegasus, just stop lol You listed a different family as an example to each of my reasons.. if I ONLY had school to worry about, no problem. If I ONLY had the full time job thing to worry about.. no problem etc. But I have ALL of these reaons keeping me from wanting to start a family right now. If you can give me an example of a family who fits in with every reason I have listed (keep in mind that we would NOT be able to live on our own, esp with a baby, if he got laid off) then I will take my hat off to them. Yes, I know there are people out there who have had children under less favorable circumstances and have done fine, but that doesn't mean I WANT to try for children just because it could work out fine. I'd rather wait until we are more secure. There are teenage girls out there who have had babies and "everything turned out ok".. that doesn't mean teenagers should go out and get pregnant. That may not be the best example, but hopefully you get my point. I felt our reasons for wanting to wait were very reasonable and responsible, but then I heard that young married couples shouldn't wait it made me curious to know if waiting, given our reasons, was a bad thing. As to everyone else, I really appreciate your answers! I was feeling pretty guilty about not starting a family yet because it almost seemed like I was supposed to. As many people have suggested, I will take it up with the Lord and let him let us know when the time is right. Thanks again everyone :)

Lol you still weren't / aren't understanding my point. That was ONE of my reasons for wanting to wait. If that were my only reason to wait, I wouldn't be concerned about it, but I had a few other reasons for waiting as well. We have a lot that's going to be going on for the next few years that are making me want to wait, his last years in the army being one of them. If I have to wait 1-2 years to be done with school, get a house and for him to get hired as a full time employee, I may as well wait for him to be out of the reserves so he wont miss the first years of his child's life. I feel we would be a lot more prepared to start a family after all of this stuff is out of the way, which is why I am choosing to wait, despite what everyone else keeps trying to tell me :)

I'm very well aware of what I signed up for by marrying a man who is in the army. I consider myself to be very independant and would do just fine if he got deployed, baby or no baby. If you read my orignal post I plainly stated that my concern of having a baby with him deployed was NOT that I didn't think I could do it, it was because I didn't want him to have to miss out on things like first steps, first words, etc. If he had another 5 to 8 years or so left I wouldn't even bother with wanting to wait, but considering he doesn't have much longer and I still have a year or two left of school I figure I may as well wait until he is out so that we don't have to deal with him missing out on those types of things.

Ahh such good answers so far! I agree that it isn't anybody's business when we start a family but ours. JudoMinja you bring up good points and they make sense! I guess you're right in saying that there would always be a reason to wait and there's never a "perfect time". Thanks a lot everyone for helping me put this into perspective :) I guess I will continue waiting until I feel the time is right!

Thanks to the both of you! And acutally, he is signed up for 8 years - 6 years active and 2 inactive. This February will be his 5th year active. So technically he can still get deployed within the next 3 years, however since he has yet to be deployed in the 5 years he has been in I guess I was "forgetting" about the 2 years he could still get sent out. It's comforting to know that it is our choice (and the Lord's of course). I was starting to freak out thinking I should get started with having kids! Thanks again! :)