Unfaith Spouse

[conair82]

I been married for 6 years, and these past 6 years have been more on the bad side than on the good side. I am under 30 and so is my spouse. Our second child was just born a little over 1 year ago and my marriage is on the brink of failure. My spouse is completely dead inside and she has been hold a dark secret from for 3 years, and she finally told me last night. Last night she told me that she committed adultery 3 years ago. She had relations with another man a few times and never repented this. We went to the temple many times after the incident but she has been hiding this all along. She feels no real remorse for what she done and she does not want to talk with the appropriate priesthood authorities. She feels that as long as she continues to do good in this life, that she will not get punished, or if she does it will not be so bad. I in the other hand knows this is not true. What should I do? She refuses to talk with the bishop and the stake president but has been going to church and the temple regularly. I am completely lost. Her parents have a high calling in the church and she does not want to ruin her family name because of gossip? Should I approach my bishop if thought I promised I would not and this will lead to the final bullet of my marriage? Just I just ask to get divorced? I love my wife dearly, and I know that I have not been the greatest husband and I was unfaithful to her before we got married. But since I got married I never cheated on her with someone else? I have no one to talk to because my family will all want me to break up. If I ask for a divorce then she will get excommunicated then her parents will basically disown her, because when she had sex before marriage, her mom did not talk with her for a long time. And now for this to happen, after everything her mom done for her, and for her to ruin her marriage and her kids, the children are going to suffer more than anything.

Please help.............

Edited October 13, 2011 by conair82

[FunkyTown]

Tough call here.

The key in this case is that you make a choice, not based on rage or fear, but based on love.

Pray about it. Put away all your personal feelings(Easier said than done, I know) and pray about it. You'll come to a decision that you know is right.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[conair82]

The worst thing is that 2 months ago she been "talking" with her ex. She was saying how much she wants to be with him and all. I asked her to delete him from the facebook. She deleted him and now after she told me she had the affair, she added him to facebook.

[FunkyTown]

All right. I assume that you manned up at that point and laid down the law on how things have to be if she wants to save the marriage?

Good for you, because letting someone walk all over you isn't attractive and will only drive someone away. You can't respect someone you walk all over and you can't love someone you don't respect.

[conair82]

well that is the thing. She does not really want to save this marriage. She is so depressed and death inside she is only seeing today. She is fighting against being humble and fighting against everything. I have to be strong for the time being for my kids. When I prove that I am back active in church, I am sure that I will be able to convince her to talk with the bishop. She has to many walls right now and she is completely blind. Until recently, she was the better spouse, and I wanted to get a divorce. I am the one that never told her I loved her or showed any affection. I know that I am the one that pushed her away, but I told her that it is NOT my fault that forced her to have an affair. She is so numb to the things of God that she is unable to have any feelings of remorse.

[FunkyTown]

You probably should tell the whole story before you get on here.

If you spent years being cold and distant to your wife and were inactive at church and she had an affair, you have no right to demand she go to the bishop. She should, but that's completely not your place to stay.

I would approach her, earnestly and honestly and ask for her forgiveness. Then, I would ask if she wants to save the marriage. If she does, then talk about how you should go forward. If she doesn't, there's nothing you can do.

well that is the thing. She does not really want to save this marriage. She is so depressed and death inside she is only seeing today. She is fighting against being humble and fighting against everything. I have to be strong for the time being for my kids. When I prove that I am back active in church, I am sure that I will be able to convince her to talk with the bishop. She has to many walls right now and she is completely blind. Until recently, she was the better spouse, and I wanted to get a divorce. I am the one that never told her I loved her or showed any affection. I know that I am the one that pushed her away, but I told her that it is NOT my fault that forced her to have an affair. She is so numb to the things of God that she is unable to have any feelings of remorse.

[conair82]

I already asked her for forgiveness, and she did accept it. I am trying to change my habits and I spoke with the bishop and I am on temporarily probation. I know that I can not demand she talk with the bishop and I have not done so. I said that one day, you will need to face the consequences of her actions. But I know that when I start to show her that I change, then I am sure that she will bring her wall down. So should I just leave as it, or do I do something else?

[FunkyTown]

I already asked her for forgiveness, and she did accept it. I am trying to change my habits and I spoke with the bishop and I am on temporarily probation. I know that I can not demand she talk with the bishop and I have not done so. I said that one day, you will need to face the consequences of her actions. But I know that when I start to show her that I change, then I am sure that she will bring her wall down. So should I just leave as it, or do I do something else?

Leave it. When you asked if she wanted to save the marriage, did she say yes or no?

You're kind of all over the place on this discussion. It's like pulling teeth trying to get details as to exactly what is happening in your marriage. Things that affect what advice would be given.

[conair82]

When I asked her if she wants to save this marriage she said that she does not know. She does not want to save it because she is not happy. In her mind, I am a symbol of unhappiness. The thing is that I never really gave this marriage a chance, and now when basically all is lost, I am trying everything I can to change so that I can be happy with my kids.

[Bini]

The bottomline is that a marriage cannot work unless both individuals want it.

It's a step in the right direction that you've come to realise that you could have been and want to be a better husband and father. But this realisation may have come too late as far as your wife is concerned. That certainly doesn't excuse her infidelity. She'll have to live with her actions and the consequences that will come with that.

Maybe I missed this. Has she said that she wants a divorce? If not, there's still time to salvage your marriage. There is. You can't control what she does or how she feels but you can continue to work on yourself. Be affection and compassionate towards her if you believe your marriage is worth saving. Encourage her to go to marriage counseling with you. If she won't go, go by yourself. That said.. you cannot allow yourself to be a doormat either. If she continues this relationship with her ex, you definitely don't want to expose your kids to a screwy situation like that, where mum and dad live under the same roof but are not "together". Pray on what to do and listen to your heart. Best of luck.

[Windseeker]

removed dup

Edited October 13, 2011 by Windseeker

[Windseeker]

From what I can make of this is sounds familiar. I bet she feels completely out of control. She probably does not think she can ever be happy with you and there is nothing she can do to change that. She probably has very strong mixed feelings of guilt, anger and despair. It's going to take time to work this out.

I think your best bet is to give her lots of space. I would recommend you stay married, give her room to work thru this and let her know your committed, not going anywhere and continue to work on yourself and being the best Father and companion you can be. If she decides to leave you then perhaps you would be better off. The only person you can change is yourself so get to work and hope for the best. You need to decide if you are willing to stay with her even though she never repents and never returns to church. If you stay with her and love her all you can I'm willing to bet this will blow over and you will have grown in ways you never thought possible and eventually she will seek forgiveness and return to church.

[conair82]

The bottomline is that a marriage cannot work unless both individuals want it.

It's a step in the right direction that you've come to realise that you could have been and want to be a better husband and father. But this realisation may have come too late as far as your wife is concerned. That certainly doesn't excuse her infidelity. She'll have to live with her actions and the consequences that will come with that.

Maybe I missed this. Has she said that she wants a divorce? If not, there's still time to salvage your marriage. There is. You can't control what she does or how she feels but you can continue to work on yourself. Be affection and compassionate towards her if you believe your marriage is worth saving. Encourage her to go to marriage counseling with you. If she won't go, go by yourself. That said.. you cannot allow yourself to be a doormat either. If she continues this relationship with her ex, you definitely don't want to expose your kids to a screwy situation like that, where mum and dad live under the same roof but are not "together". Pray on what to do and listen to your heart. Best of luck.

She never said she wants a divorce. She is imply that she wants her space and wants time to think. Basically she is tired of being alone all these years and waking up early to go to church by herself. She wants to see if I really am able to change.

[conair82]

From what I can make of this is sounds familiar. I bet she feels completely out of control. She probably does not think she can ever be happy with you and there is nothing she can do to change that. She probably has very strong mixed feelings of guilt, anger and despair. It's going to take time to work this out.

I think your best bet is to give her lots of space. I would recommend you stay married, give her room to work thru this and let her know your committed, not going anywhere and continue to work on yourself and being the best Father and companion you can be. If she decides to leave you then perhaps you would be better off. The only person you can change is yourself so get to work and hope for the best. You need to decide if you are willing to stay with her even though she never repents and never returns to church. If you stay with her and love her all you can I'm willing to bet this will blow over and you will have grown in ways you never thought possible and eventually she will seek forgiveness and return to church.

Thank you very much. She has been asking for some space. She never left the church and will never leave the church. She has a strong testimony of the gospel and it is just that she knows what she needs to do to repent. She does not want to do it now. She knows sooner or later that she will need to go through the process. The problem is that one of her mom friends, had committed adultery and is still married in the church and is very active in the church. This person is married to a worthy priesthood holder and is high in the local stake where we live. She figures that if this person can do it, and maybe she will be able to do it also. I do not have to right to point scriptures and burn her at the stake. All I can is receive her with open arms when she is ready.

[Bini]

But don't lose perspective of things.

There is a difference between remaining loving towards those that have wronged us and allowing them to pull us into a downard spiral. Turning a blind eye to your wife's continuing affair (from what I'm understanding, she does not want to repent of her actions and is still seeing this other man) is not enriching to your marriage - it is damaging. I don't know how old your children are but kids aren't nearly as clueless as parents sometimes think they are. They catch on to how daddy treats mummy and how mummy reacts to daddy.

I still stand by the notion that if there is "hope" to resolve things, do so. But like I had initially said, it takes two to tango and if one refuses to make changes, it's time to re-evaluate things. No one can tell you what to do, except for the Lord.

[conair82]

But don't lose perspective of things.

There is a difference between remaining loving towards those that have wronged us and allowing them to pull us into a downard spiral. Turning a blind eye to your wife's continuing affair (from what I'm understanding, she does not want to repent of her actions and is still seeing this other man) is not enriching to your marriage - it is damaging. I don't know how old your children are but kids aren't nearly as clueless as parents sometimes think they are. They catch on to how daddy treats mummy and how mummy reacts to daddy.

I still stand by the notion that if there is "hope" to resolve things, do so. But like I had initially said, it takes two to tango and if one refuses to make changes, it's time to re-evaluate things. No one can tell you what to do, except for the Lord.

My kids are 3 and 1. She had an affair 4 years ago. She no longer is having an affair. She is talking with her ex boyfriend from when they dated when she was 17. The problem is when something starts wrong it ends wrong. We should never gotten married. This is what I am trying to say.

[AGStacker]

well that is the thing. She does not really want to save this marriage. She is so depressed and death inside she is only seeing today. She is fighting against being humble and fighting against everything. I have to be strong for the time being for my kids. When I prove that I am back active in church, I am sure that I will be able to convince her to talk with the bishop. She has to many walls right now and she is completely blind. Until recently, she was the better spouse, and I wanted to get a divorce. I am the one that never told her I loved her or showed any affection. I know that I am the one that pushed her away, but I told her that it is NOT my fault that forced her to have an affair. She is so numb to the things of God that she is unable to have any feelings of remorse.

I am sorry for this. This is a consequence of her sins that she is unhappy even if you weren't the best husband or a great one at all. She can't blame you for her sins. Also, someone entering the temple as an adulterer will leave darkness instead of light. When Christ cleanses America it will start with His people who defiled His sacred laws and ordinances by entering or continuing to attend the temple unworthily.

Fast and pray and plead for forgiveness, mercy and strength to bear these hard times. Good luck to you.

[conair82]

I just wish I could hate her and leave her. This would make all my problems go away. For some reason I am unable to hate her.

[BenRaines]

I read through the posts. You are on temporary probation for not being loving to your wife?

She needs to talk to the Bishop and get her life straight.

You are the priesthood holder in the home and responsible for all those in your house. I would be talking to the Bishop. You, by your own statement, are allowing your wife, who you say is unworthy, by her affair, to attend the temple.

That is my two cents.

Ben Raines

[skippy740]

Thank you very much. She has been asking for some space. She never left the church and will never leave the church. She has a strong testimony of the gospel and it is just that she knows what she needs to do to repent. She does not want to do it now. She knows sooner or later that she will need to go through the process. The problem is that one of her mom friends, had committed adultery and is still married in the church and is very active in the church. This person is married to a worthy priesthood holder and is high in the local stake where we live. She figures that if this person can do it, and maybe she will be able to do it also. I do not have to right to point scriptures and burn her at the stake. All I can is receive her with open arms when she is ready.

"Comparative worthiness" is not in harmony with the gospel.

[skippy740]

well that is the thing. She does not really want to save this marriage. She is so depressed and death inside she is only seeing today. She is fighting against being humble and fighting against everything. I have to be strong for the time being for my kids. When I prove that I am back active in church, I am sure that I will be able to convince her to talk with the bishop. She has to many walls right now and she is completely blind. Until recently, she was the better spouse, and I wanted to get a divorce. I am the one that never told her I loved her or showed any affection. I know that I am the one that pushed her away, but I told her that it is NOT my fault that forced her to have an affair. She is so numb to the things of God that she is unable to have any feelings of remorse.

Let's do an "integrity" check, shall we?

You've been inactive for a while, while your wife shows activity, correct?

But you haven't gone to the temple unworthily, while your wife did attend with unresolved sins?

To me, you are living a higher level of integrity than your wife is.

I've been there. I got my divorce papers a month ago. As I've been semi-active or inactive during my marriage, I never attended the temple. Yet, it's not like I ever lied to get a temple recommend or to perform a priesthood ordinance. Never did those things. I could never bring myself to doing it either unworthily or while being inactive in the church.

This may be the 'saving grace' you need to hear... because, in regards to the church (and per your posts), you haven't done anything that you were unworthy to participate in... and therefore are showing integrity towards honoring the covenants you have.

On this basis alone... gives you 'the right' to talk to your (dare I say) hypocritical wife who is more concerned about her image in the church than her worthiness.

[conair82]

I read through the posts. You are on temporary probation for not being loving to your wife?

She needs to talk to the Bishop and get her life straight.

You are the priesthood holder in the home and responsible for all those in your house. I would be talking to the Bishop. You, by your own statement, are allowing your wife, who you say is unworthy, by her affair, to attend the temple.

That is my two cents.

Ben Raines

I was not aware of this transgression until last night. First I plan to fix my self, and hopefully fix my marriage or get it solid grounds, then talk with the bishop.

[conair82]

Let's do an "integrity" check, shall we?

You've been inactive for a while, while your wife shows activity, correct?

But you haven't gone to the temple unworthily, while your wife did attend with unresolved sins?

To me, you are living a higher level of integrity than your wife is.

I've been there. I got my divorce papers a month ago. As I've been semi-active or inactive during my marriage, I never attended the temple. Yet, it's not like I ever lied to get a temple recommend or to perform a priesthood ordinance. Never did those things. I could never bring myself to doing it either unworthily or while being inactive in the church.

This may be the 'saving grace' you need to hear... because, in regards to the church (and per your posts), you haven't done anything that you were unworthy to participate in... and therefore are showing integrity towards honoring the covenants you have.

On this basis alone... gives you 'the right' to talk to your (dare I say) hypocritical wife who is more concerned about her image in the church than her worthiness.

This is true. I never really thought it of this way. I was inactive and did not attend the temple because I knew I was not living a faithful life.

[Windseeker]

Skippy makes a good point. Don't be too hard on yourself but it's obvious you want to save your marriage. Simply put you can't control her decisions only yours. So I'd focus on what you can control which is being a good Father and Companion despite what she may choose or what's happening around you.

[conair82]

Good news, my wife is going to talk with the stake president hopefully this weekend. She finally understand that without fixing this she will never be happy with no one.