How To's

[crashdown]

I understand the importance of many of the church's doctrines. I understand how they can better my life. What frustrates me is the lack of "how to" when these topics are discussed. Specifically, I want to know HOW TO forgive. Are there specific steps involved? How does one "let it go?" How do I apply the Atonement? Again, what are the specific steps?

Answering with a simple ""prayer, scripture study, go to church" doesn't cut it for me. I agree they are essential, but I have a sneaking suspicion there is more to it. Besides, I don't always know what to pray for. Nor do I know what to look for when I study the scriptures. Most of the scriptures on forgiveness seem to focus on the importance of doing it but don't mention the HOW part. I also realize that the impressions received from the Holy Ghost are key in all of this. I

I guess what I want is someone to give me a step-by-step, detailed checklist and maybe I'm asking for something that doesn't exist. I just want specifics, not the usual "pat" answers. Does any of this make sense?

[MarginOfError]

I understand the importance of many of the church's doctrines. I understand how they can better my life. What frustrates me is the lack of "how to" when these topics are discussed. Specifically, I want to know HOW TO forgive. Are there specific steps involved? How does one "let it go?" How do I apply the Atonement? Again, what are the specific steps?

Answering with a simple ""prayer, scripture study, go to church" doesn't cut it for me. I agree they are essential, but I have a sneaking suspicion there is more to it. Besides, I don't always know what to pray for. Nor do I know what to look for when I study the scriptures. Most of the scriptures on forgiveness seem to focus on the importance of doing it but don't mention the HOW part. I also realize that the impressions received from the Holy Ghost are key in all of this. I

I guess what I want is someone to give me a step-by-step, detailed checklist and maybe I'm asking for something that doesn't exist. I just want specifics, not the usual "pat" answers. Does any of this make sense?

Using forgiveness as the example, the steps are somewhat like this

• try to forgive
• if you are unable, try to focus on some other aspect of your life. Do something else to make you more Christlike
• try to forgive again
• if you are unable, set it aside and try to improve yourself in some other way
• repeat repeat repeat

You really touched on it when you said that impressions received from the Holy Ghost are key in this. If you increase your ability to feel the Spirit, improve your relationship with the Lord, and become more like Him, it becomes easier to forgive.

I won't go so far as to say it will ever be easy, or that you'll be able to do it on a time frame that people might consider "reasonable." Try not to get so caught up in one aspect of improvement that it becomes a detriment to the other aspects of your improvement.

Eternal progression has about 30,000 dimensions.

If you find you can't make progress on one, move to another. As you improve other dimensions, it will become easier to improve the one.

[sister_in_faith]

Crashdown... you are asking a very good question, and I am looking forward to seeing everyone else's answers. I'll share the things I have learned... It's not a check list, but maybe it will help a little...

Forgiveness is such a hard thing to do. Especially when the person who you are forgiving doesn't really think they need forgiveness!!!

I have to remember that forgiveness doesn't mean that you are saying what they did is okay. You are just 'letting it go'. Forgiveness is for you, not them. I have to remember that God is going to take care of everything in the end. That fact gives me great comfort. It allows me to just let go of my anger and hurt and give it over to God to handle. He will do a better job of handling it then I will!

The last thing that helps me forgive is trying to 'see people as God sees them'. When I am able to see them thru His eyes, then I have compassion for them, and forgiveness comes more easily.

Hope that helps a little...

[LittleWyvern]

I understand the importance of many of the church's doctrines. I understand how they can better my life. What frustrates me is the lack of "how to" when these topics are discussed. Specifically, I want to know HOW TO forgive. Are there specific steps involved? How does one "let it go?" How do I apply the Atonement? Again, what are the specific steps?

I guess what I want is someone to give me a step-by-step, detailed checklist and maybe I'm asking for something that doesn't exist. I just want specifics, not the usual "pat" answers. Does any of this make sense?

The weakness of having a one-size-fits-all list of steps for something so complex as applying the Atonement is that it becomes a checklist that everybody thinks they have to do. This can be more easily seen with something like keeping the sabbath day holy: if everybody comes up with a list of things you have to do to keep the sabbath day holy, all of a sudden you have a million things you now "have" to do. Keeping the sabbath day holy would become forbiddingly difficult.

The problem with having a list of steps for the Atonement is that the process is incredibly different from person to person. Everyone's journey through the atonement is unique based on their spiritual maturity, sins they have committed, and their understanding of Jesus Christ. All we can do is give things that appear to be in common with all experiences (what you call "pat" answers). The majority of applying the Atonement is mostly an experience of self-discovery, personal revelation, and study. We have many resources to help us on this journey, but ultimately the only person that can determine what you need to do to apply the Atonement is you. Nobody else can decide that for you.

[Dravin]

Besides, I don't always know what to pray for.

For what you need. In the case of forgiving pray for help in learning how to do it. All else fails pray to know what you need to pray for.

Nor do I know what to look for when I study the scriptures.

Look for what you need. Once again in the case of forgiving look for how to forgive, which admittedly may not be found in the scriptures listed under the topic in the Topical Guide.

I also realize that the impressions received from the Holy Ghost are key in all of this.

Yep, and it's centrality is the reasoning behind the 'pat' answers. All of those activities should be (not that they always do) drawing you closer to the spirit and providing opportunities for the revelatory insight and personal guidance that a checklist cannot.

The problem with having a list of steps for the Atonement is that the process is incredibly different from person to person.

Also, it's easy for a checklist to overshadow the fact that something is a process . For instance you get something like the common forgiveness checklist (paraphrased from Gospel Principles, I know there are others):

• Recognize
• Feel Sorrow
• Forsake
• Confess
• Restitution
• Forgive others
• Keep Commandments

While true they overshadow that repentance is not simply a list of step you do but rather a process through which you become. Some forget and (operating off a shorter list like: Stop, Feel Sorry, Confess, Don't repeat) will 'repent' without having truly repented by just checking things off the list which is, in my opinion, looking beyond the mark (in this case the true nature of repentance).

[Snow]

I guess what I want is someone to give me a step-by-step, detailed checklist and maybe I'm asking for something that doesn't exist. I just want specifics, not the usual "pat" answers. Does any of this make sense?

There's no checklist, there's no steps.

It's about being self-centered and selfish... or not.

The world doesn't revolve around you and stay awake at nights worrying about whether it has offended you. If you love your fellowman as much as you love yourself, you'll start to get it.

[mnn727]

The "How to's" are usually different for everyone.

For some, saying "Get over it" works well, for others it may take years of therapy.

There is no 'one size fits all'

If you have something specific that is troubling you (how to forgive someone in a soecific case) try talking to your Bishop, if he can't help ask him if a referral to LDS Social Services might help - different areas have differebnt resources..

[RipplecutBuddha]

I'll just address the forgiveness part.

To me, forgiving means accepting the results of someone else's harmful actions towards me. The acceptance doesn't mean I agree or like them but rather I accept that those consequences are present, and I must deal with them.

Next I look at the consequences and try to determine how long they will, or should, affect me. This includes emotional, physical, religious, or social consequences. For example one of my first questions to myself is 'What part of me or my life is impacted?' and then I ask 'How long will this impact me?' and then 'How long should I let this impact me?'

If whatever wrong was merely emotional in impact, I typically forgive in a few hours and forget by the next day. I just can't hold a grudge at all...it's too much effort and I forget easily, thus I just don't worry about it.

However, if the impact is in other areas, such as friendship, financial, etc. then the effects will last longer, but it is still urgent to work through the consequences and resolve them as much as you can.

For example, if a friend needed $200 and I lent it to them only to have them never repay me, I might be upset for a few weeks while I wait to be repaid. If I realize they aren't going to repay me, I begin the process of forgetting about the whole issue with the one lesson learned from the experience to not lend money to them again until they pay back what they owe. I would rather lose 200 dollars than a friendship any day.

That's the final part of forgiveness. Prioritize what is most important in the situation, and sacrifice whatever else is needed to keep the important things. Typically this is friendship and familial bonds. Keeping a long-term or even eternal perspective also helps along with the primary answers, prayer, fasting, scripture study, etc.

[ConvinceTheWorld]

The ABCD's of REPENTANCE & FORGIVENESS

A=Admit what you are doing is wrong

B=Be Sorry

C=Correct it

D=Dont do it again

When you are forgiven by yourself and of God, it is easier to extend the arm of Mercy and grace to anybody who has done you wrong. Even seventy times seven.

Literally you must stand guard in your mind CONSTANTLY for Satan will come whispering things, pray for discernment and try to memorize scripture, then when any outside influence tries to tempt you (in your own head or out), you can compare it to the WORD OF GOD to see if it entices you to do GOOD or entices you to do BAD. This is the path to eternal life. It is a constant battle. I said guard your thoughts for this is the direction of sin...

Thought>Temptation>Action>Misery>Death

or here is the direction of Righteousness

Thought>Temptation>Decline>Endure>Happiness>Eternal life

Edited October 16, 2011 by ConvinceTheWorld

[Guest mormonmusic]

If you're having trouble forgiving, then it's unlikely the "get over it" advice will help, or a simple reading of the parable of the man who was forgiven a huge debt, but then beat up a debtor over a small amount. I had trouble like this when I was younger, and I read everything about forgiveness I could get my hands on.

None of it helped much other than to shut off conversation with others who would simply quote the scriptures and condemn me for not forgiving.

So,you need to then lean on "seek learning out of the best books". There are books that involve changing the way you think. One is called The Feeling Good Handbook. The author provides written exercises to help you change your thinking. They are based on a form of therapy called Cognitive Based Therapy (CBT).

For example, the author guides you into thinking about your problem by listing the costs of the lack of forgiveness, as opposed to the benefits of not forgiving. This is all done through written templates. This may or may not work for you, but its an example of the kinds of thinking exercises he puts you through in the book -- and there are many.

My own CBT technique is where writie out a script, as I call it, of the thinking I want to adopt. I list all the reasons to forgive. Included are attitude conditioners which I have carefully crafted, and I put them on my e-reader. When I have a spare moment, I read the script. It's amazing the peace you can bring yourself simply by changing your thoughts through reading this carefully crafted script. I have used it to help me forgive a former boss who did something cruel to me on her last day on the job, for example.

Coupled with prayer, this can help you forgive. And you can weave the atonement into your script as well, citing whatever parts of the atonement are meaningful to you in helping you forgive others.

I would suggest getting that book from Amazon or the library, and reading the author's practical suggestions about how to change your thoughts. Church stuff only points you in the right direction, and occasionally gives some good advice that works for the individual. When this is insufficient, one has to read the best books on the subject, or talk to an expert.

[rameumptom]

Focus on prayer and scripture study. As you do so, you will be filled with the Spirit, which will guide you in the things you should do. Forgiveness is a gift of God, and with all gifts the best way to obtain them is to ask fervently and constantly. For example, Moroni teaches that we must pray with all the energy of our heart for charity, and the Lord will provide it (Moro 7:48). It works with forgiveness, also. Often it isn't an instant or one time event, but something we must work at daily.

But there is the answer.

[Vort]

I understand the importance of many of the church's doctrines. I understand how they can better my life. What frustrates me is the lack of "how to" when these topics are discussed. Specifically, I want to know HOW TO forgive. Are there specific steps involved? How does one "let it go?" How do I apply the Atonement? Again, what are the specific steps?

Answering with a simple ""prayer, scripture study, go to church" doesn't cut it for me. I agree they are essential, but I have a sneaking suspicion there is more to it. Besides, I don't always know what to pray for. Nor do I know what to look for when I study the scriptures. Most of the scriptures on forgiveness seem to focus on the importance of doing it but don't mention the HOW part. I also realize that the impressions received from the Holy Ghost are key in all of this. I

I guess what I want is someone to give me a step-by-step, detailed checklist and maybe I'm asking for something that doesn't exist. I just want specifics, not the usual "pat" answers. Does any of this make sense?

When we first moved into our present stake almost exactly sixteen years ago, we soon attended a stake conference where the stake president lectured at length on the importance of forgiveness and the futility of holding grudges. After several minutes, I whispered to my wife, "Okay, I'm sold! Now tell us how to do it!"

I think perhaps more instruction on the specifics of "how" are not given because it's too individual a thing. It may be that a hundred people have a hundred and one ways of letting go of past hurts or offenses or slights. Possibly, constant prayer and attention to one's duty, coupled with scripture study and sincere striving, is the surest way to discover how best to forgive others.